genrs123

thats a lie. i havent met one person since the first time i fell in love with my AXBF when i as 15 or so.

I have however, met:
guys that have used me
guys that have flirted with me like they were-then later revealed they were not interested
guys that lived in other cities who MAYBE couldve liked me, but just ended up using me as well.
coworkers, who also didnt really want to date me.
a guy who dated me a few weeks until he finally told me he was seeing someone else
g

i am so bitter tonight.

i am one drink myself and a text from trying to see if theres anyay we could try to make it work.

my alcoholic xbf maybe did use me, for a place to stay, but he never took advantage of me sexually or use me for sex. he always respected my boundaries which is one of the first things i really liked about him.
and, despite all "his" problems, he made it very clear in his own words and even actions that he cared about me and loved me.

its HARD for me to think we shoudnt be together when i feel like there were a lot of cons but there were more PROS. ive never been so sad or depressed the entire time we were together.

i am so miserable tonight. i know it is SO petty when i am blessed to be thinking of how my life sucks because i have only met one guy, who is an addict and ancoholic (and a heartbreaker among other things) who has actually taken the time to get to know me and like me. and then the other part thinks maybe HE didnt even like me, and it WAS just his alkie behavior that needed someone stable and caring in his life.

now i feel like even if he were sober he wouldnt try to date me, as i was mean and bitter and depressed in our relationship.

regardless, im bitter. i am codependent and what i mean is that when i dont feel other people see me as beautiful or fun i just have no fun and feel like ****. i feel unattractive since i can never attract a normal guy- physically or otherwise.

i finally met someone i thought was interested. he talks to me all the time, messages and texts. he has a normal job, plays in bands i really love (as i do), runs a small business aside from his job, has similar interests but also plays sports, eats well, treats his friends and family REALLY REALLY well.

anyway, i thought he was interested EVEN THOUGH he lives in ANOTHER city. all the attention and some of the flirtations, AND because im just not used to that or a nice guy, i guess i just didnt know he was just that. NICE. not interested, and CERTAINLY not interested to move here. what i think he likes is that i show him attention, respect, and adoration (i watched this oprah on how guys want that, and i wanted to make sure i never dont do those things as i did not for AXBF). anyway, tonight i realized that there would never be anything more than friendship, if even that.
BUMMER. finally a guy i did think might be interested who i have good chemistry with, who is a GREAT catch, that i like too. NO SUCH LUCK.

CNMC2C

genrs123,
Your post brought so many crazy feelings in me to light tonight. I'm sorry that you are having a rough night! As I'm working on my recovery, I'm finding out that in my past I was your typical codependant, people pleaser. What I really didn't get until a few weeks ago, is that I grew up in an environment in which my parents taught me that I was never good enough, never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never smart enough, etc. Being raised to believe all of those things about myself did a number on my self esteem and has led to me allowing really crummy people (AKA..EXABF) into my life, but not being able to see that they were not so nice people. It is no wonder that I allowed my EXABF to be in my life, from the moment I met him, he was telling me how pretty I was and how smart I was, along with a lot of other things. I was so dependant on what other people thought of me, that I couldnt see the forest for the trees. I'm now into 3 months of not seeing and speaking to my EXABF and working on my own recovery program. I now understand that the one person that I will spend the rest of my life with is me, and I want to love and adore that person(me). My psychologist has told me that I need to focus on myself and not worry about trying to get into another relationship with a man right now. I need to focus on figuring myself out and that when I get to a point where I am heatlhy in my recovery, healthy people will come into my life. It is sort of like what someone posted on SR a while back....."healthy people want to be in relationships with healthy people and sick people want to be in relationships with sick people". I'm trying to find and learn how to be the healthy version of my old self.

Be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break. You are doing the best that you can do at this time.

Take Care.......

endzoner

very well said CNMC, I dont think much more can be said then that!

GiveLove

What is it you're hoping for from a relationship, genrs? If you list the qualities of a great partner for you, what does it look like? (and by the way: no fair just listing everything about your X so it looks like you guys are a perfect fit)

Honestly, there are two reasons why I didn't meet good, healthy people:

• I was sending out a huge vibe of defensiveness, self-protection, and victimhood, and
• I was only attracted to unhealthy people, and ONLY found unhealthy/damaged people attractive

Do you think it's possible you're doing the same?

brundle

CNMC2C really is wise!

For now I'm still with my AH and I feel anger, bitterness and resentment have been my constant friends lately. But that stuff is due to stuff I need to forgive him or myself over.

It sounds to me like your just getting started on working on yourself. It takes years for us (or others to help) mess us up, so it takes time for us to get better. I think if you keep on pressing on with your recovery you'll find those "healthy" guys will want you.

I know personally I wish I had gotten into Al-anon after my xAH and worked on recovery. I am way healthier now (even with my problems) then I was when I fell for the second AH.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Just because I know it's all really hard!

veryrestless722

im with you, i want to smack people when they tell me im gonna meet someone better, its just so annoying but the truth is once you reallly open yourself up to it then you will, anytime ive tried to date i subcousily pick guys that i know wont ever work or i just end up with another addict, i think the best thing is just to be single for a while, no matter how hard that is, right now i wouldnt want to be in a relationship with me so i cant expect a guy to want to either, i just have too much baggage right now and not in a good place for a relationship

i know its hard, being single sucks, and you start getting in your head how many your A wasnt so bad after all, and you forget the reasons you werent happy to begin with , i dont really want my husband i just want what he should be

just take it a day at a time and hang in there your not alone, there are many of us struggling to get through these same situations

Ago

For me, what has absolutely happened in my life is I attract "my mirror" I attract someone to "validate" my view of myself, if I felt good about myself, I "attract" people that felt good about themselves and feel good about me.

It's like my xragf said, for fifteen years she "attracted" "emotionally unavailable" men when in fact she was the one "emotionally unavailable" but she could "point the finger" at them and say "see? they are all emotionally unavailable" therefore "validating" her "view of the world" I have another friend who deep down never feels "part of" and always feels "less then" and so he picks women that make him feel "less then" in order to "validate" his "self image".

This is and was absolutely my experience as well, when I was feeling awful about myself, I went right out and found a girl who made sure I knew what an awful human being I was on nearly a daily basis.

First I had to separate myself from toxic relationships, then I found working the steps absolutely indispensable, and when I got to step four, I had to write out a "relationship ideal" as in what was I looking for in a mate, my sponsor said, OK, nice ideal, stop looking right now and become that ideal.

what?????

WTF???

but but but

I did it and it worked.

The moment I "became what I was looking for" what I was looking for appeared in my life.

This has happened consistently enough in my life as to be an "absolute"

That's my experience

laurie6781

You know your post has brought back a lot of memories and some very painful.

I had just divorced my 2nd husband a man who oh yes was sober, but changed his addiction to gambling. Here I was sober, just over 6 years and still couldn't get it right. I was still a 'failure.' Couldn't have a decent relationship all those years I drank and didn't seem to be able to have one sober.

I'm not saying you are, but I was on the PITTY POT BIG TIME.

Both my AA sponsor, and my Alanon sponsor, STRONGLY suggested that I take at least ONE YEAR and live by myself. Don't look for anyone. Just LIVE WITH ME. Get to know me. Find out about ME. Didn't want to hear that, but figured, what the heck it was only a year, lol I'd TRY it.

Well that year turned into 4+ years, and I finally was liking myself. I was comfortable with me. And you know what I found out......................all those years I had been attracting folks to my insides (and boy was I a mess). My "picker" was BROKE. As my attitudes about myself changed, I started attracting a different type of person. Really 'nice' folks. My picker's not broke today, lol

Once I realized I didn't need a 'him' on my arm to fix me, things started to change. Yep, I did find not only a 'special' person but today have serveral near and dear good friends, both male and female.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time to take a break and just get to know you. Get to like you. Take the time and make the effort to be honest with yourself and see what about you you would like to change and work on it. Change, not to 'attract' someone, but change to make you more the person you WANT to be.

It sure helped me a lot and I know it has helped others to do what I do.

Hope you will give it some thought.

Love and hugs,

Mair

I have to learn to love myself, before i can love someone else. xx take care

Gill

ToughChoices

Wow. That sounds like a lot of hard work.

I did a lot of hard work to make sure that the men I dated/loved felt respected, adored and attended to.
I didn't realize it at the time, but today I can see that many of the "wonderful girlfriend" qualities that I cultivated so carefully, that I read books about and found advice from celebrities on, were acquired in order to ensure that I was acceptable. Because, deep down, I didn't believe that I was acceptable "as is." I had to work for it.

I had to cook their favorite meals, write them loving poetry, help them with errands/homework, attend ALL of their events, look beautiful, exhibit incredible sexual prowess, and always be grateful and appreciative of them.
If the relationship faltered, I thought it was because I had failed to be as appealing or as understanding as I should have been. I should have worked harder.

I've come to realize that expressions of love, given out of genuine affection, are entirely different from expressions of love given in the hope that someone else will love me for giving them.

When I began to fall in love with myself I found the freedom to truly love others. Until that happened, I ran around in a circle looking for someone else to validate me.

I won't tell you that you'll meet someone else (though that may be true) - someone else never solved the problem for me.


-TC

genrs123

Thanks- everyone's posts are great. i am going to start printing posts so i remember these words of wisdom offline.

i know the problem is me but i really just dont love myself. i dont know how? how to learn to like or live yourself. it seem simple. but it doesnt seem like there is a simple solution.

i also want to point out in regard to the giving respect and admiration, i never give it under false pretense, i just make sure i have a more conscious awareness and expression when it is there.

however, regardless of that i am in a constant state of hope other will love me. (not necessarily for that). i do need others validations.

it seems even if i work on myself, i have an underlying hope that working onmyself will then *payoff* so i meet someone else (so basically still a hope i will become good enough).

its not even that my opinion doesnt count- its that my opinion of myself is awful.


i appreciate all the support and i will be re-reading this as i can learn a lot, and appreciate everyones feedback and ideas, sharing, and experience GREATLY.

ToughChoices

Where does this come from, Genna?
What's so awful?

What did the 5 year-old, sweet little girl who lives inside you do that is so terrible, so undeserving of love?

I try to keep in mind the little girl that I still am. I read on this board that Pajarito keeps a picture of herself as a little girl in a locket around her neck. I love that!

My little girl is sweet.
She is kind.
She is full of love and hope.
She is fine, just as she is.
She does not deserve to be treated harshly.
She does not deserve constant criticism.

I believe that the same is true for you.

I worked with my counselor on identifying where some of the negative voices that were persistent (if not loud) in my head, came from.
After they were identified, I worked on assessing the truth/falsehood of the voices.
Most of them were false. Some of them were true, some of the time.
I worked on being okay with that.

Sometimes I am lazy. Sometimes I am harsh. Sometimes I am weak.
We all are. It's okay!

I'm sort of rambling here. I just want you to know that I can really identify with feeling, 'if I can just be good enough, I will find someone to love me."

I love you now, Genna.
Just as you are.
The higher power of my understanding loves you, too.

Take care.
-TC

Rainbowsend

I'm finding quite the opposite. Yep there are lots of men out there that will use you but you have to LET them. I've dated a few where it's been pretty obvious from the off that all they are interested in is getting me horizontal but they don't get a second date.

Dating a variety of men has been quite an eye opener and a good exercise in getting the picker sorted.

Taking the focus off of dating to find a boyfriend/partner and focusing on having a good evening with intelligent conversation has been liberating. If they don't stimulate my mind and treat me right there are plenty more to try on for size.