RisingSun

Hi all...
From time to time i post on here and have talked about my mom but haven't in abt a year bc we haven't talked in that long.... I didn't know she was an addict till i was about 19 and then began drinking which that led to pills and then crack.. she went on a downward path with her addict boyfriend for about a year who would beat the crap outta her. at the time she completely ruined my credit without me knowing, stole from everyone and a bunch of other crappy things. I confronted her like an intervention and told her i couldn't have her in my life. she moved to flordia. last year at christmas she came up and we got her into a rehab which she only stayed 2 weeks before her boyfriend came from flordia to get her. Out christmas was ruined.. i haven't spoken to her since. At the end of August her boyfriend got arrested and he is going to be away a long time. she is now living with my uncle and is sober. My family is all talking to her, and my grandmother has been pushing me to see her. Thanksgiving is coming up and my birthday.. i know i'm going to have to see her because i cant tell my family not to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. My grandmom even convinced me to let her invite her to my birthday party tomorrow night. My mom has written me letters and says she's so sorry.. i just feel like i can't get over it. I don't know how to move on from here. She isn't even in a program and my grandmom said "she has a beer once and awhile." My family still doesn't understand addiction no matter how much i explain it. So tonight my stomach is in knots about seeing her tomorrow, and i don't know how i'm going to deal. I'm regreting saying yes but know it is just inevitable. So i was wondering if anyone has any advice on getting threw tomorrow? Has anyone had any similar experiences?

CatsPajamas

Hi RisingSun,

This is a difficult situation for you, and maybe for your mom too. It might help to remember that you can be yourself, and you can choose to have a serious/deep conversation or choose NOT to. Since it's your birthday, I imagine other people will be there too. I've had people at my parties whom I didn't really want to talk to, so I made sure that I was cordial and pleasant to them but I didn't spend too much time with them. I spent more time talking to my friends and the people who cared about me.

You don't have to have a confrontation or an argument if you don't want to. It was a great relief to me when I learned that just because someone threw harsh words at me, I didn't have to catch them or hold onto them. These days I am better in situations like that. I know I can always pull out the big five:

Oh
Wow
Really
Huh and
You don't say

and my friend Hangin's addition is "how 'bout that?"

I hope you're able to have a wonderful birthday party. Happy birthday, by the way!

Cats

RisingSun

Thanks so much Cats. I really appreciate the advice. I guess the whole not having to have a deep conversation is exactly what i want bc i know she's going to be all huggy and crying... i just have to remember that i can still say no to that and avoid that situation if that is what i want. thanks so much for reminding me of that.
-R

denny57

I haven't had your experience, but wanted to send you best wishes for a happy birthday!

RisingSun

thanks denny

GiveLove

Hang in there, RisingSun. Remember Cats' "big five" -- they work for me too

Try to stay emotionally neutral if you can...at least that often works for me in these kinds of stressful visits (and I have a LOT of alcoholic relatives!) There's one writer who talks about "...pretending their voices are like white laundry flapping on a clothesline somewhere". You have the power in this situation, and based on how well it goes this time, you'll know to say 'yes' or 'no' next time. I have avoided family gatherings altogether - even Xmas/Thanksgiving celebrations - because the stress of being with alcoholics was greater than any pleasure I would've gotten out of it. And it didn't kill me

Hugs,
GL

Ago

Heya Risingsun

Good luck

I know how hard it can be

you have gotten some great experience strength and hope

For me, I actually had to put some "distance" between me and my parents/siblings, both physically and mentally, they are like "concentrates" in that a little went a long way.

When I lowered my boundaries after nearly twenty years of recovery and allowed them to get "too close" I got very ill.

I needed to protect me, I still do today, I am sorry but I absolutely come first.

Years ago I ran into my old therapist, she was very close friends with my grandmother (Endora from Bewitched) and she started asking me about seeing my Gmother, then when I was evasive, she started "pushing"

I stopped right then and there and said "I don't talk to my grandmother any more and here's why" very firmly setting my boundary and explaining why. This womans jaw dropped (my grandmother is VERY charming to "outsiders)

She gave me a hug and said she absolutely agreed with my decision to take care of myself and boundary I had set.

If I don't feel "safe" I don't have to see or talk to any member of my family, I don't have to let my family manipulate me into situations I am uncomfortable with, These are the people who "got" me sick in the first place (dysfunctional childhood) so I don't need to listen to their solutions or ideas, no drama, no spite, just a very real look at what I need to do in order to take care of myself.

I don't "have" to see anybody I don't want to any more, that includes my mother today, my job isn't to take care of her any more, it never was, my job is to take care of me, no matter what that looks like.

You are in my prayers

Tarheel

Brilliant.