OMG the nerve!
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
OMG the nerve!
After complaining about rah finding a job and just cleaning the house I finally flipped my lid. I let him know that cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry was a waste of time. It's something I have done for eight years and I did not need a wife.
I needed a sober husband trying to help provide for his family. I've been the one working and going on interviews to get a second job. So what does he do??????
He tells me he's getting on the phone to call his sponsor. So yes I did go to the inside door and listen in.
I heard him whining to his sponsor and telling him a load of crap! Ohhhhhhh I am so mad. He made me sound like an abusive wife. Telling him MY business that has nothing to do with either of them. I wanted to ring his neck after I heard all the bullshat he told that poor man.
So then I tell him "I heard everything you said and all I have to say is you are full of shat and I see that you are still playing the victim and white knuckling it"
He has yet to take blame for his own stuff. The bottom line is.........he needs to get a job! Every day he does nothing but he eats our food. I don't eat so the kids can. He waits for me to leave to work and I come home and the fridge has been raided.
I'm angry and back to ignoring him. I learned by that one phone call not to discuss anything about myself to him, so now he's shut me down. I told him I will quit going to our church so that he can invade that and play victim to that as well.
Yea I'm glad he's sober (still has alcoholic thinking) but as time goes on he's going back to his pathedic self. I don't have time for that. I'm moving on.
Two weeks of him being here, doing nothing is enough for me. OVER IT!
I needed a sober husband trying to help provide for his family. I've been the one working and going on interviews to get a second job. So what does he do??????
He tells me he's getting on the phone to call his sponsor. So yes I did go to the inside door and listen in.
I heard him whining to his sponsor and telling him a load of crap! Ohhhhhhh I am so mad. He made me sound like an abusive wife. Telling him MY business that has nothing to do with either of them. I wanted to ring his neck after I heard all the bullshat he told that poor man.
So then I tell him "I heard everything you said and all I have to say is you are full of shat and I see that you are still playing the victim and white knuckling it"
He has yet to take blame for his own stuff. The bottom line is.........he needs to get a job! Every day he does nothing but he eats our food. I don't eat so the kids can. He waits for me to leave to work and I come home and the fridge has been raided.
I'm angry and back to ignoring him. I learned by that one phone call not to discuss anything about myself to him, so now he's shut me down. I told him I will quit going to our church so that he can invade that and play victim to that as well.
Yea I'm glad he's sober (still has alcoholic thinking) but as time goes on he's going back to his pathedic self. I don't have time for that. I'm moving on.
Two weeks of him being here, doing nothing is enough for me. OVER IT!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you had this moment of awakening (I guess I can call it that). I know what it's like to have a husband sit around and contribute nothing. My was out of work for 2 yrs when I left him. He's still outta work, now living off his 87 yr old mother.
So, what do you want to do about your situation? Where would you like to be?
So, what do you want to do about your situation? Where would you like to be?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I'm right there with you stubborn. I have been working 6 days a week since the middle of June without any significant contributions from my AH since May.
As much as I miss my husband these days, I read here and know that reconciling would be hard even if my AH chooses recovery. He is not choosing that path but it's a tough road we have to hoe no matter what.
Please do something that relaxes you tonight. All you can do is take care of your side of the street, babe.
I'm truly sorry that things are not going as well as you'd hoped.
((((( Stubborn )))))
As much as I miss my husband these days, I read here and know that reconciling would be hard even if my AH chooses recovery. He is not choosing that path but it's a tough road we have to hoe no matter what.
Please do something that relaxes you tonight. All you can do is take care of your side of the street, babe.
I'm truly sorry that things are not going as well as you'd hoped.
((((( Stubborn )))))
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You invited this man back into your life knowing full well who he is, how he behaves, and what his problems were. And now that he's once again behaving like he always did, somehow he's to blame for your misery.
He's an addict. He drinks and mooches off of others and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or to support his family. When are you going to stop being surprised? This is what addicts do.
He's an addict. He drinks and mooches off of others and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or to support his family. When are you going to stop being surprised? This is what addicts do.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
JUST a reminder, please share experience, strength and hope.
In MY experience, it was best for me to leave my A and his ranting to his sponsor. What was said between them was none of my business, even if it was about me. Most sponsors will listen to the ranting and raving for a few minutes and will then get the focus back where it belongs. It was all part of the recovery process.
S1, are you able to talk to your sponsor or get to a meeting? When I was frustrated beyond belief and sick and tired of him and his whining, that's what helped me get myself back on track.
In MY experience, it was best for me to leave my A and his ranting to his sponsor. What was said between them was none of my business, even if it was about me. Most sponsors will listen to the ranting and raving for a few minutes and will then get the focus back where it belongs. It was all part of the recovery process.
S1, are you able to talk to your sponsor or get to a meeting? When I was frustrated beyond belief and sick and tired of him and his whining, that's what helped me get myself back on track.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
You invited this man back into your life knowing full well who he is, how he behaves, and what his problems were. And now that he's once again behaving like he always did, somehow he's to blame for your misery.
He's an addict. He drinks and mooches off of others and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or to support his family. When are you going to stop being surprised? This is what addicts do.
He's an addict. He drinks and mooches off of others and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or to support his family. When are you going to stop being surprised? This is what addicts do.
Former, why is it that you can never say anything that pertains? Please skip my posts if you have a hard time doing that. I understand if your jaded. I know I have asked you this prior. You should consider the "ignore" button. Thanks
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
JUST a reminder, please share experience, strength and hope.
In MY experience, it was best for me to leave my A and his ranting to his sponsor. What was said between them was none of my business, even if it was about me. Most sponsors will listen to the ranting and raving for a few minutes and will then get the focus back where it belongs. It was all part of the recovery process.
S1, are you able to talk to your sponsor or get to a meeting? When I was frustrated beyond belief and sick and tired of him and his whining, that's what helped me get myself back on track.
In MY experience, it was best for me to leave my A and his ranting to his sponsor. What was said between them was none of my business, even if it was about me. Most sponsors will listen to the ranting and raving for a few minutes and will then get the focus back where it belongs. It was all part of the recovery process.
S1, are you able to talk to your sponsor or get to a meeting? When I was frustrated beyond belief and sick and tired of him and his whining, that's what helped me get myself back on track.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
He's worked up until he came here and all of a sudden thinks this is a vacation. He's not drinking and he is only mooching from me. I'm not in misery hun, I want him to get a job.
When I suggested he take a job at the local (and successful) Lexus dealership, he yelled at me, "I AM A SALES PROFESSIONAL!!" Oh, so selling anything other than high-tech crap was beneath him, like cars and copiers. Jeesh!
Well, if you're not in misery over your AH "mooching" off of you (your words, not mine), it does sound as if you're angry and frustrated that he's just laying around without any motivation.
You mentioned he still has "alcoholic thinking." I would guess it takes a long time for that thinking pattern to be reversed. He's only been home for two weeks. I guess I'm wondering if you think his scrambled-egg brains should be working better.
I don't know ... I'm just making conjectures here. Maybe he could get a job that isn't too challenging. I know for a fact, having spoken to an addictions counselor, that the cognitive functions of the brain (frontal lobe) are pretty trashed when an A has been drinking for a long time. You or I are capable of saying, "I'm not working. I need to contribute. Let me call an employment agency or see what the classifieds have to offer." That is basic cognition. Maybe he's still a bit fried ....
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Prodigal, He is over qualified. Nothing wrong with his brain as for working. He treats cancer so any job should be a piece of cake. Jobs are hard to find here so he should be trying extra hard. We only have five jobs available but still.......
I did not call him a mooch. A different poster called him that.
He's extremely book smart so there is no excuse.
I did not call him a mooch. A different poster called him that.
He's extremely book smart so there is no excuse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
He's not drinking and he is only mooching from me.
Perhaps he should be trying hard and he may very well have no excuse for going out and getting a job in the medical field. Sounds as if he's qualified. But he's not. So, stubborn, what do you think you should do about this?
It sounds as if telling him he needs to do something isn't getting him to move in the direction of finding a job. What else do you suggest? I'm really interested in what you plan to do for yourself.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
No he hasn't always been this way. He used to work! He's worked up until he came here and all of a sudden thinks this is a vacation. He's not drinking and he is not mooching from me. I'm not in misery hun, I want him to get a job.
Former, why is it that you can never say anything that pertains? Please skip my posts if you have a hard time doing that. I understand if your jaded. I know I have asked you this prior. You should consider the "ignore" button. Thanks
Former, why is it that you can never say anything that pertains? Please skip my posts if you have a hard time doing that. I understand if your jaded. I know I have asked you this prior. You should consider the "ignore" button. Thanks
Corrected due to mistype. Confused prodigal
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
I tried to find the thread on expectations and I couldn't find it so I'll paste it here. It really helped me when I was trying to work through my expectations.
Serenity and Expectations - intimately interrelated
Expectations
By Robert Burney M.A.
I had to learn to be honest with myself about my expectations - so I could let go of the ones that were insane (like, everyone is going to drive the way I want them to), and own my choices - so I could take responsibility for how I was setting myself up to be a victim in order to change my patterns. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.
When I first started realizing how much my expectations were dictating my emotional reactions to life, I tried not to have any expectations. I soon came to realize that it was impossible to live in society and not have expectations. If I have electricity in my home I am going to expect the lights to come on - and if they don't, I am going to have feelings about it. If I own that having electricity is a choice I make, then I realize that I am not being the victim of the electric company I am just experiencing a life event. And life events occur for me to learn from - not to punish me.
The more I owned that I was making choices that caused me to give away some power over my feelings and that those feelings were ultimately my responsibility - the less I reacted out of a victim place - the more serenity I had about events that occurred. To believe that unpleasant stuff should never happen to me was a truly insane, dysfunctional notion. The reality of life is that 'stuff' happens.
Of course, getting to the place where I could accept life on life's terms was only possible because I was working on letting go of the belief that it was happening to me because I was unworthy and bad - which I learned growing up in a shame-based society. It was essential for me to stop blaming myself and feeling ashamed of being human so that I could stop blaming others and always feeling like a victim. In other words, it was necessary to start seeing life as a Spiritual growth process that I couldn't control in order to get out of the blame them or blame me cycle.
I found that there were layers of expectations I had to look at. I wanted to feel that I could be a righteous victim if someone told me they were going to do something and didn't. But then I had to own that I was the one who chose to believe them. I had to also realize that falling in love was a choice and not a trap that I accidentally stepped into. Loving is a choice that I make and the consequences of that choice are my responsibility not the other persons. As long as I kept buying into the belief that I was being victimized by the person I loved there was no chance of having a healthy relationship.
The most insidious level of expectations for me had to do with my expectations of myself. The "critical parent" voice in my head has always berated me for not being perfect, for being human. My expectations, the "shoulds," my disease piled on me were a way in which I victimized myself. I was always judging, shaming and beating myself up because as a little child I got the message that something was wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me - or you. It is our relationship with ourselves and life that is dysfunctional. We are Spiritual beings who came into body in an emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environment where everyone was trying to do human according to false belief systems. We were taught to expect life to be something that it isn't. It isn't our fault that things are so screwed up - it is however our responsibility to change the things we can within ourself.
Serenity and Expectations - intimately interrelated
Expectations
By Robert Burney M.A.
I had to learn to be honest with myself about my expectations - so I could let go of the ones that were insane (like, everyone is going to drive the way I want them to), and own my choices - so I could take responsibility for how I was setting myself up to be a victim in order to change my patterns. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.
When I first started realizing how much my expectations were dictating my emotional reactions to life, I tried not to have any expectations. I soon came to realize that it was impossible to live in society and not have expectations. If I have electricity in my home I am going to expect the lights to come on - and if they don't, I am going to have feelings about it. If I own that having electricity is a choice I make, then I realize that I am not being the victim of the electric company I am just experiencing a life event. And life events occur for me to learn from - not to punish me.
The more I owned that I was making choices that caused me to give away some power over my feelings and that those feelings were ultimately my responsibility - the less I reacted out of a victim place - the more serenity I had about events that occurred. To believe that unpleasant stuff should never happen to me was a truly insane, dysfunctional notion. The reality of life is that 'stuff' happens.
Of course, getting to the place where I could accept life on life's terms was only possible because I was working on letting go of the belief that it was happening to me because I was unworthy and bad - which I learned growing up in a shame-based society. It was essential for me to stop blaming myself and feeling ashamed of being human so that I could stop blaming others and always feeling like a victim. In other words, it was necessary to start seeing life as a Spiritual growth process that I couldn't control in order to get out of the blame them or blame me cycle.
I found that there were layers of expectations I had to look at. I wanted to feel that I could be a righteous victim if someone told me they were going to do something and didn't. But then I had to own that I was the one who chose to believe them. I had to also realize that falling in love was a choice and not a trap that I accidentally stepped into. Loving is a choice that I make and the consequences of that choice are my responsibility not the other persons. As long as I kept buying into the belief that I was being victimized by the person I loved there was no chance of having a healthy relationship.
The most insidious level of expectations for me had to do with my expectations of myself. The "critical parent" voice in my head has always berated me for not being perfect, for being human. My expectations, the "shoulds," my disease piled on me were a way in which I victimized myself. I was always judging, shaming and beating myself up because as a little child I got the message that something was wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me - or you. It is our relationship with ourselves and life that is dysfunctional. We are Spiritual beings who came into body in an emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environment where everyone was trying to do human according to false belief systems. We were taught to expect life to be something that it isn't. It isn't our fault that things are so screwed up - it is however our responsibility to change the things we can within ourself.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by prodigal
These are the words you posted.
Perhaps he should be trying hard and he may very well have no excuse for going out and getting a job in the medical field. Sounds as if he's qualified. But he's not. So, stubborn, what do you think you should do about this?
It sounds as if telling him he needs to do something isn't getting him to move in the direction of finding a job. What else do you suggest? I'm really interested in what you plan to do for yourself.
Perhaps he should be trying hard and he may very well have no excuse for going out and getting a job in the medical field. Sounds as if he's qualified. But he's not. So, stubborn, what do you think you should do about this?
It sounds as if telling him he needs to do something isn't getting him to move in the direction of finding a job. What else do you suggest? I'm really interested in what you plan to do for yourself.
If he doesn't get a job to contribute then I will move into a house for just me and the children. No sweat, just annoying. He's more gung ho on sobriety this time. I figured he would want to get the ball rolling and start providing as well. Get into the father/husband roll.
There's just no excuse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I seem to remember earlier posts which said he worked under the table so he didn't have to pay child support to another woman. Maybe it's just hard finding something like that in your area.
I'm the only one who knows what I can and cannot live with. I also can only steer my own recovery, no one else's. I always wanted things to happen in my time, but I've learned it doesn't work that way.
I'm the only one who knows what I can and cannot live with. I also can only steer my own recovery, no one else's. I always wanted things to happen in my time, but I've learned it doesn't work that way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Thank you for letting me know what you plan to do. Stubborn, just a suggestion ... perhaps you should very carefully read Morning Glory's post. She's the administrator here. She has a lot of recovery. What she has posted contains a lot of wisdom.
It's your right to decide whether or not you think what she has posted applies to your situation. Nobody is here to cram their opinions down your throat, and I think Morning Glory exemplifies that with her post.
It's your life. You have every right to choose how you will handle your own situation as it pertains to your job, your children, your AH and your life in general.
I hope you will take a moment to chew on Morning Glory's post. But, again, it's your right to do as you wish.
It's your right to decide whether or not you think what she has posted applies to your situation. Nobody is here to cram their opinions down your throat, and I think Morning Glory exemplifies that with her post.
It's your life. You have every right to choose how you will handle your own situation as it pertains to your job, your children, your AH and your life in general.
I hope you will take a moment to chew on Morning Glory's post. But, again, it's your right to do as you wish.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
I let him know that cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry was a waste of time. It's something I have done for eight years and I did not need a wife.
So then I tell him "I heard everything you said and all I have to say is you are full of shat and I see that you are still playing the victim and white knuckling it"
I told him I will quit going to our church so that he can invade that and play victim to that as well.
You know better than I do, of course. It just seems to me that this situation is not healthy for you AND him.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by denny57
I seem to remember earlier posts which said he worked under the table so he didn't have to pay child support to another woman. Maybe it's just hard finding something like that in your area.
I'm the only one who knows what I can and cannot live with. I also can only steer my own recovery, no one else's. I always wanted things to happen in my time, but I've learned it doesn't work that way.
I'm the only one who knows what I can and cannot live with. I also can only steer my own recovery, no one else's. I always wanted things to happen in my time, but I've learned it doesn't work that way.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by Kimmieh
I can understand your anger and frustration, but I can also see that being confronted with the statements above can be very painful and humiliating. You think that cleaning the house and doing the laundry is a waste of time, but for him it might be a contribution that he feels good about. Perhaps he just not mentally ready to work? Maybe so but it's not really an option at this time. Times are hard.I have heard recovering addicts say that they did not feel like they were thinking straight during the initial stages of recovery.I don't know what goes on in the mind of a recovering alcoholic so it's hard for me to understand. Alanon tells me it's me me me and I've only been to one AA meeting with him. I'm kinda back to not knowing what to do. I don't know how to support him and keep me me me in mind.
You know better than I do, of course. It just seems to me that this situation is not healthy for you AND him.You are so right and I know this. We've talked about him going some place else to recover but he doesn't want to do that. I'm lost.
You know better than I do, of course. It just seems to me that this situation is not healthy for you AND him.You are so right and I know this. We've talked about him going some place else to recover but he doesn't want to do that. I'm lost.
I'm frustrated during this economy.Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What's your boundary? When does he need to have a job, and what will you do if he doesn't?
If he were your best-best friend in the world, and you had to be compassionate and list the reasons why he might not have yet been able to find suitable work, what would they be?
And if he were a friend, what would you suggest to him, specific 1-2-3 actions, so he could better balance his attempts at sobriety and his responsibilities?
MG your post was right on, btw.
If he were your best-best friend in the world, and you had to be compassionate and list the reasons why he might not have yet been able to find suitable work, what would they be?
And if he were a friend, what would you suggest to him, specific 1-2-3 actions, so he could better balance his attempts at sobriety and his responsibilities?
MG your post was right on, btw.
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