prairiegirl

I know it's hard what you're going through; I was there many, many times. But as others have said and several addictions counsellors told me, physical changes happen in the brain of an addict that changes their ability to think clearly they way we do. That's why they call this a disease. Simple concepts like get a job, provide for your family, don't let me carry all the weight is what we expect them to "get" but I had this argument with my xah on many occasions. I couldn't understand why he would just quit his job or allow long gaps between jobs without seeming to worry too much about my feelings and how it was affecting my stress level. I called him selfish and lazy because that is how it appeared to me. Any person with a normally functioning brain would have some shame or sense of responsibility but he didn't seem to have that during these periods. And yet at other times he was the most sensitive, loving, caring man, who was very concerned about my welfare. So, you see, the fact that their brain is temporarily messed up is the only explanation here. My guy would clean house or do the dishes and would be so proud of himself because that was a huge accomplishment for him. The alcohol has done some real damage physically, mentally and emotionally on the addict and it is very difficult for us to understand. That is why, if we choose to live with them, we have to learn detachment and how to take care of ourselves.

CatsPajamas

I'm going to step in AGAIN and ask everyone to please share their own experience, strength and hope. No more accusations, retaliations, pointing out flaws. JUST STOP IT.There is no reason for anyone to launch a personal attack, just as there is no reason to take things personally. If someone's posts bother you, don't read them. During the transition, I'm not sure if the "ignore" function is active, but in the meantime, just IGNORE a person if he or she is bothering you.

Most of us on SR live or have lived with someone in active alcoholism or addiction or both. We arrive here at SR frustrated, broken, despairing, having tried everything we know to try to get our loved ones to see the light. Remember what it was like when you first got here? I had a number of years of Al Anon when I arrived at SR. I already knew the concepts of recovery and how they applied to me. I was looking for someone/anyone to talk to at 3 am when I couldn't sleep. Others come here first - having stumbled upon us in a google search etc, before they know anything of Al Anon or Nar Anon. They come here looking for answers. And, as we all know, many of us are resistant to the answers we get! We don't hear how to "get him sober" or "make him change". We hear foreign concepts such as let go, concentrate on yourself, look at your part, etc etc.

The answer , the harsh reality, is that each person is in charge of his/her own recovery. EACH person- addict, alcoholic, sober spouse/loved one/parent/child. Some get it right away, embrace the program and change their lives forever. Others are "smarter" and think they can figure out another way to get the other person to change. Still others are willing but for some reason aren't able to put the amount of work and dedication and commitment into the necessary changes. It's not that they aren't willing, they just can't seem to do it. Go to an open meeting. Hear what they have to say. No one needs to beat up a person who has relapsed because he is doing a fine job of beating himself up already. We Anon's relapse too. Again, no one really needs to beat us up about that. We know we messed up and all we truly need is someone to pick us up, brush us off, and get us back on our own path.

We are here to support one another as we learn about this horrible disease of relationships. We are all in different places in our journey. Some of us have lost loved ones thru divorce and even death. Sometimes, the pain is almost too much to bear.

These are deadly diseases, no doubt about it. What some people don't realize is that you can love someone to death as well. If you cushion another's fall, if you get in the way of the natural consequences of their actions - you deny the person the dignity of dealing with those consequences and can be delaying their journey to recovery.

If you can share your experience, strength and hope, please do so. There's a time and a place for "tough love". If a person is ready for those types of responses, s/he can say so in the post with an "OK guys - tell me the truth as you see it". All I would say is make sure your own side of the street is clean before you go out and point out how nasty someone else's looks.

This can be such a wonderful and supportive place. Please help me keep it that way. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss further.

Cats
Forum Mod

Ago

I like Pie







and coffee





















I like Pie and coffee




(hang in there stubborn, it'll be aight)

LaTeeDa

I convinced myself for a long time that my husband was a good man, if only he would stop drinking. And the truth is, he is a good man. But, what I wasn't willing to admit, was that he wasn't the right partner for me. I had ideas about what a marriage "should" be. Nothing wrong with that. What made me miserable was trying to make him into the husband I though he "should" be. Mine quit drinking, also. It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make to end my marriage. He is still sober, he's just not the right partner for me.

I second the suggestion to really take a good look at what MG posted. Robert Burney has some very powerful wisdom. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but definitely what I need to hear.

Also, here is a link to a post I wrote after one of those big AHA moments. I think it applies here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ill-happy.html

L

laurie6781

Stubborn I'm going to put my 'alkie hat' on and share with you that I went to a Recovery Home for Alcoholic Women after I got out of the hospital. It was a requirement there that we had to get a job, but even back in '81 they understood that it would take time, so the first 4 weeks were only $50 a week room and board. Then it went to $60 a week and we had better have some kind of job, even if it was at McDonald's to be paying something on our bill.

Now for me, at the end of those first two weeks, I still didn't know if I was coming or going. Was really only able to do 'my assigned chores' at the house and go to meetings. I did get some 'temp work' through some agencies and was doing a couple of days a week, then 3, 4, and finally 5 but no great shakes on money.

I was just not able to get back into my chosen field. My brain felt like MUSH. I was unsure of myself, I was always second guessing myself on the simplest things. At a little over 90 days I was holding down a pretty good job but still was very fearful.

It takes a person a while in early recovery to start to be able to function. When the DOC has been taken away, it seems the whole body, not just the mind goes through many changes, and now the person has to deal with ALL of it, without their former friend.

Now, putting my 'codie hat' back on, lol I married my 2nd husband when I was 1 1/2 years sober and he was 4 years sober. A lot of our problems were 'my expectations' after all he was sober longer than me, he SHOULD be able to hold a job, he SHOULD be further along in his program, he SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. At 3 years sober, my AA sponsor sent me to Alanon in addition to my AA meetings. It was then that I was able to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. It was there I learned how to figure out what was best for me. It was there I learned to set my boundaries. Oh and btw, he never drank again, just became a compulsive gambler instead, lol.

I don't know what will work for you, only you know that. I do know, that 'my expectations' can still to this day really screw me up if I let them get out of hand.

J M H O Hope it helps a teeny bit.

Love and hugs,

Kimmieh

I hope you can get some peace of mind, either way, soon!

Hang in there!

FormerDoormat

It's not the state of the economy that frustrated me. It was the economic hardship I brought on myself by choosing to live with an active alcoholic (and later a recovering alcoholic). That hardship didn't come in the form of unemployment since Richard always held down a job (although his alcoholism certainly prevented him from earning decent wages). It came in the form of constant rehab, doctor, hospital, medication, and therapy bills as a result of his drinking.

Ultimately I came to realize that Richard, his drinking (and even in sobriety the results of his previous drinking), his expenses related to alcoholism and recovery, and his reduced ability to contribute his fair share to the household income was not the root of my economic and emotional hardships. I was the root of my problems. Richard didn't force himself on me. I invited him and all the troubles he brought with him into my life.

I was not a victim of the economy, or Richard's drinking, or his medical, rehab, and therapy bills, or his reduced ability to earn a decent income. I was a victim of my own choices.

Today I stop and think before I act. I ask myself will the action or decision I'm about to make invite trouble, frustration, or emotional or economic hardship into my life? If the answer is yes or possibly, I walk away.

My life is a reflection of the choices I make. I am in control of my life and my choices. Happiness, serenity, emotional fulfillment, and financial stability are just some of the choices I make along the way.

I may be powerless over someone else's drinking but I am NOT powerless. I took back my power the moment I decided to stop giving it away.

Stubborn1

Thank you Laurie. I found that helpful.

Thank you to everyone else as well. Former, it's definitly the times. I don't own credit cards and my vehicle is paid for. Having three children isn't cheap. I wish I could blame that on my husband. Even if I wanted to get on govt assistance I couldn't. There isn't anything available in my area. I've researched all my routes.

I've talked with morning glory. She's a sweetheart.

I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. Life has a way of just happening. I guess I don't look out for me me me because of my children. Him being their father is difficult to make certain moves.

He will not go into a rehab house. I will not throw him out. He's lazy not abusive. Hopefully his mush brain will form into something of substance soon and find it a job.

Thanks again to everyone. xo

prodigal

I imagine most of the people living in the U.S. are frustrated by this economy to some degree. It has impacted most of us. And not in a positive way.

I believe Abraham Lincoln said, "A man is about as happy as he chooses to be." Situations can be difficult. Life certainly is difficult, but nobody promised us it would be a picnic. People can be difficult.

Situations, life, and people don't do what I think is best for them. And that used to get me very angry. I was driving to the mall one afternoon and I suddenly just said out loud, "Why am I so flippin' angry?"

Life wasn't doing what I wanted it to do. The alkie in my life was beyond doing much of anything, let alone doing what I wanted him to do. And I was ticked off. I know what it's like to get up each weekday mornning to go make a living while my exAH slept away. He was the "sales professional" who wouldn't lower his standards to go sell cars. And I was very, very angry.

I found that the hard shell of anger around me had to do with some very deep and very old hurts. My anger helped me to stay "strong" and forge ahead in order to survive.

But inside me there was a lot of hurt, tears, frustration, and "stuff" that I'd shoved down for years. I didn't like letting down my guard to let all of it out, but when I started releasing it, that anger that had dogged me for so long began to dissipate.

Stubborn1

Like I told my husband. I don't know what "bad" is or what "starvation" is like and I never want to so this is why I want him to make some moves if he is going to be here. He doesn't understand it's extra everything.
Today was a good day though. He fixed the soffits on the house that blew off recently. All by hiimself. I didn't have to ask......PROGRESS! He spoke with his sponsor and was offered a turkey from wal-mart.....huge progress. At least we'll have food. We took the kids to the park and sat together and had small talk and laughed at our kids doing goofy things. We didn't argue or talk about money, bills, etc. Now he's at a meeting that he called and got a ride to so we don't take gas out of the car. I can't say he's not trying.

He told his sponsor that he didn't want to talk about me because I was not the problem that HE was his own problem and his sponsor said "I was wondering when you were going to figure that out for yourself". I can't tell you what a weight that was just to hear that. I'm glad he told me. I already knew that but to hear it from his lips was a nice change of pace.

I dont' want to say I'm angry.......more frustrated. I'm learning. I'm trying and so is he.
For today......it was good.

blessed4x

Take it one good day at a time!

veryrestless722

i hope things get better for you!!:ghug3

Stubborn1

Thanks....xoxo..

Oh and I have a sponsor as of last night!!!! She's so kick butt and I just adore her. She has been through exactly the same things. We are meeting tomorrow for coffee to go over step one. So I'm actually working the steps. Coolness. I"m just liking having something to look forward to do and new friends!

Ago

Dude!!!! (loud)

Doooooood (smooth)

Dude!

coolness

hang on bub, it just gets better from here on out

Grats

Freedom1990

I am so glad you found a sponsor!!!!!!!!! :ghug

Sorry I haven't responded sooner, but it's crunch time with college classes and I'm like a chicken running around with its head cut off!

I have been reading you!

CatsPajamas

There's an outline of the steps and the step study questions from the Al Anon book Paths to Recovery: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependents.html

I'm not sure what happened to Steps 11 and 12 but I'll find out.

FormerDoormat

That's great news, Stubborn1! Can't wait to hear all about it.