cyclelady

First let me say that my 3 boys and I moved out last weekend and moved into an empty rental that my mom is fixing up 30 minutes away from our house, school, etc…We don’t have things (beds, stove, fridge, table, etc) but we are making the best of it. I put them in latch key and am driving them everyday to and from school and going to work. I’m tired of them hearing him cussing/name calling/etc… drinking and driving, dropping his motorcycle, you get the pic. So I couldn’t take it anymore and I didn’t want to make an empty threat so I followed through.

In September my AH’s sister was saying that the kids don’t need to hear the names, cussing, etc… and if AH wasn’t going to leave then something needs to happen. She didn’t think her nephews deserved to live like this (I AGREE). She knows AH (her brother) needs help. He needs to quit, bla blah, blah, then now – it is a totally different story - WTF

My AH’s sister is blaming me for (it feels like) everything. I know I should just let it go and not respond but it is eating at me like bugs on a rotten piece of hotdog!

I took my 9 year old to an al ateen meeting last night. And THEY (AH, MIL, SIL) say I should have never done such a thing! I didn’t make him go. I was going to a meeting and asked him if he wanted to go. I am putting things into his head.

It is my fault that AH got a DUI. If I wouldn’t have given him the keys HE wouldn’t have drove that way!! It was my 30th Birthday party (2 years ago) and we were both drinking. We had a driver. He said he wanted to go lay down, which he has done before. What about now? He is still drinking and driving, is that my fault also?

It is my fault that the kids are in the middle. I shouldn’t fight with him. They are there when he calls me names/cusses me and such, and funny thing is since Al-anon I don’t engage. I am not the one fighting. This is one reason we left. He will call me names for READING! AA lit. WTF?

Apparently AH is telling her that I have been saying things about her and my brother (has no reason to) has been also. WTF? The only thing that I have said was that if she would get a job she wouldn’t be boo hooing all the time about money. I have said this to her though. Not a surprise.

I have an appt. tomorrow am to start my separation paperwork.

Why does it bother me so much that she (they her and MIL) are blaming me? The mom smokes weed but the sister doesn’t drink or do drugs. The whole family (dad, grandpa, aunts, cousins, uncles) drinks all the time.

I want to email her back and just rip her a new one, but I know that won’t get me anywhere. How do I overcome the feelings of being SO upset/hurt/betrayed? Why does this get me so upset or hurt?
Thanks for your input sorry to have such a long vent!!

denny57

I got over it by continuing to live my life the way I thought best for me, not someone else. As I gained confidence in doing that - and seeing the results - it became much easier to distance myself from people who thought they knew better.

Congratulations on taking the steps to create a happier, healthier family for you and your children.

((( )))

Barbara52

Be patient with yourself. You are going thru a whole lto and it takes time for your new reality to sink in. I found that I did better with letting go the longer I was out of the situation. A week ain't nothing! Try ignoring/not opeing emails, not answering the phone. Even a short period of detaching that way can be very empowering.

tommyk

I would stop talking to her, with her, whatever.

Your husband's sister is not part of the family equation.

Imagine her as some bum in a doorway who looks up and insults you, do you care? Hell no, we just shake our heads and walk on by.

Still Waters

Because we want people to think well of us? Because you know that you can't control another person and it's unfair of them to place the blame on you?

I think many of us want (or wanted) the validation of others telling us we were right, but we have to do what we feel is right for us, regardless of what others think.

blessed4x

If we're looking at "putting your money where your mouth is" so to speak, you are the one who is protecting and educating the kids. It takes A LOT of energy (both physical and emotional) to keep up with 3 boys, and I know that because I've got 3 of 'em.....(and my little drama queen). You are the one investing the time and love and energy. Everyone else in the picture is putting their efforts into keeping the elephant in your life invisible.

I rooting for you!!!

Fluxion

You made an important, and scary move, and are emotionally vulnerable right now. Criticism is especially painful at a times like this. Try and surround yourself with people who will support you in your choices, and will bolster your new beginning, not try and tear it down.

You made a smart brave move here. "Don't entertain doubt, or he will be your guest"!

(((())))) Fluxion

Tarheel

CL,

I think you answered your own question within your post...
You clearly described a very sick family. Each of them depends on the other ones staying sick - you included.
Now you are making a different decision. That disrupts a system that they have spent a lot of energy to create and continue. That is their choice. And you are making a different one for you and your children.
To me you sound strong, convicted and clear. You have determined you must get distance from your husband. Maybe the distance should be from *all* the sick family members, including your husband?
TH

coyote21

I went thru the EXACT same BS with my XAW and her "clan". Bunch of drunken misfits, screw 'em! Ha!

Just keep doing the next right thing and remember Catspj's tag line, it helped me immensely...."What someone thinks of me is really none of my business". Too true.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

cyclelady

Thank you all so very much! It really does help me when "sane" people tell me I'm ok to feel this way and I AM doing the RIGHT thing!!!

I went to the attorney's office this am and he advised that I can get a protection order to get AH out of the residentail home. I am planning on CALLING not seeing him in the am Saturday and explaining that this can be easy or hard, his choice. I told the attorney that I WILL be contacting him Monday and we will go from there. Once I'm back in the home I can get a temp. order to stay there.

Am I asking for trouble "talking" to AH bout this first? I dont want to hit him with deputies at the door.
Thanks for your input :O)

Rella927

Cyclelady-

Congrats on protecting your family!

As was stated above "blood is thicker" and sorry that you are dealing with that
ramification of things!

I believe you are trying to do what is right for you and your children and that is what is important right now! So kudos for that! Allowing others to see things the way we do it just not going to happen-and if they make the choice to squack, quack, bully, yell whatever the case maybe that is their choice....and we can make the choice to tune them out or shut them off! I found in my past turning the switch to off i.e. as stated do not answer emails, phone calls etc....made my life much easier and PEACEFUL!

IMHO if you feel that it will make the situation different by contacting him and preparing him for what is going to happen that is your choice. I would not if it was me because there was no preparation when the abuse began-Just my thoughts....that choice is for you to decide.

Breathe ....keep moving forward and doing what you are doing for you and your children! it will get easier...

blessed4x

I'm so glad that it looks like you are getting back to your home. The attorney I consulted said it would be very important for my kids, and easier for me if they were left where they are familiar. I've also heard it the other way, that a new start is good, but I think when your dealing with 3 of them, and the ages that they are it is unfair to uproot them. It would be hard on my boys because they have such close friends in the neighborhood......good people that would take my boys in for the night to watch movies or get away from all the crud going on.

Good luck with the protection order. You may be surprised that he complies without much of a fuss. Your AH and mine are alot alike, and I never can guess how things will go, but usually the times when I think he logically would be pi$$ed, he doesn't seem to get worked up at all. It's the stupid little things (like someone forgetting to flush the toilet) that really put him over the edge......go figure!

Freedom1990

If it were me, I wouldn't contact him first, but that's me.

brundle

Just wanted to say how brave I think you are! Good Luck! I'll be praying for you and your kids... Your post does remind me why I really don't tell anyone anything...