pembroke9

Hello, I'd appreciate it if someone can give me some advice. This is long overdue.

My father is a pretty bad alcoholic, he is 45 years old and still married to my mother who is also 45 years old. I am a 22 year old male and I have 2 sisters. One is 20, the other is 25. To say the least... we are all pretty screwed up from are childhood. I'm suprised how "normal" we ended up but we all have difficulty trusting people.

My father has gotten so bad within the last 10 years that im finally getting concerned for his well-being. He use to have a rule that he would never drink before 12. Now he has crushed that rule and often we find him drinking a can of budweiser 9am in the morning. My father is the greatest guy in the world up until 3pm. He's funny, nice, and great guy to be around. That's part of the reason that I still love him. But that person is slowly fading away and i'm losing more and more respect for my dad. When he gets drunk he becomes the most annoying meanest person you have ever met in your life and its now 7 days a week. I'm sure alot of you know exactly what I am talking about.

Growing up my father was extremely hard on my sisters. He has never said one positive thing to them. He would called them sluts,whores,cunts,losers, even at the age of 13 and still goes on till this day. I'm suprised they still have anything to do with him, But for some reason I think his alcoholism has always made all of us strive for his attention even until this day. Anything that would hert them REALLY bad he would say. Yet everyone of us always forgive him.

My mother is the main reason I am on this forum. I am concerned for her health as well. She is the one who tries keeping the peace. She hides and denies stuff to keep are family looking good. My father is obsessed with my mother. If she is out past 5pm, he calls her phone ever 10 minutes. I cant remember the last time my mom was out of the house past 8pm alone. Because she knows when she gets home she's getting yelled at. She has taken the worst mental abuse out of all of us. Even know it seems like it doesn't effect her, i know it mentally drains her. She's dealt with his disease for 26 years and my mom does not deserve it. She is still a beautiful women with the greatest heart in the world, and she could honestly get any man she wanted. Yet she stays with my father who has made her feel like garbage for 26 years. Everytime she has tried leaving, the next day my "nice" dad begs for her forgiveness and says things will change. It's a vicious cycle that has never ended. He has never hit my mom. He's probably pushed her 3 times total which caused fist fights between me and my dad everytime.

On top of all this, I think if my mom ever left my dad he would commit suicide. That's how sick my father is. His world revolves around my mother. If she died my dad would be dead. Literally. It's a thought I have been fearing for the last couple years. I do not want to lose both my parents.


Now by now you guys are probably saying, wtf is wrong with this family lol. yeah, were pretty bad. Please keep reading.

Growing up I was the "golden child". Mainly because I played a sport (hockey) and I was very good at it. He planned on me making the family rich one day... alot to live up too eh? I never got cut down until i started reaching a competitive level. That's when I first realized my father was an alcoholic. On the way home from the games if I didn't score a goal or impress everyone at the game my father would cuss me out and tell me that I was going to be a loser and I should just quit the sport. Finally I turned 15 and my dad didn't have to drive home from games anymore, I was able to drive him with a permit. So I drove home hearing him scream in my ear every game. Finally at 17 I got to move away from home to play and I have only been back during the summers ever since. My dad still expects me to repay him for the level "HE" has gotten me at since he's the one who paid all the money for it. Yet he has never once said he was proud of me. But I do play for myself, not my father.

So thats are life in a short story lol. It's 20 times worst than what I have written here today and im sure alot of you can relate. I believe my father is going to die soon. I've asked him to quit drinking more than a few times or I would stop seeing him, he chose alcohol. My father is the most stubborn man ever, and I know in my heart I could NEVER get him to AA. I know he will drink himself to death. He use to be successful hard working man. He runs his own business that just went under, and he and my mom just filed for bankruptcy. He blew his back out and now he can barley work, so he sits at home all day and drinks while my mom works. His back has been herting for a year and its getting worst. I told him with all the alcohol it's never going to heal and doctors have told him the same thing. Yet he uses it as an excuse to why he drinks so much and he wont get surgery. My parents are going to lose their house pretty soon, they have NO money, NO retirement, no nothing.

I come back home every summer. But I have to live in an apartment because I cant live with my father. I'm in a situation right now where I am going to play over-sea's so I had to come home for 2 weeks. I had to see the way he treats my mom again and yet again, it started another fight between us. My little sister just moved back home with my parents (she moved out because of my dad) and just moved out again tonight. My older sister has her own house with her husband and kid.

I feel like I need to shut my dad out of my life, yet I always give in to his sober phone calls a few weeks down the road. My dad was my best friend growing up as a little kid and I guess thats the reason we still talk. I am mentally drained, and I cant even begin to imagine how my mother feels. I can see it in her face. I dont know what to do. My father is ruining are family and I am sick of it. He is the most negative person and all he does is drink.

But he is my father, and I am the type of person that would feel extremely ****** if I shut my dad out. What would any of you advise me to do? I've talked my dad while he was sober and he will not quit drinking. He knows he is an alcoholic and enjoys drinking and wont stop....I'm leaving next week, and my mom will be alone with him and it scares me. Every year i come back they both look worst and worst. Any advice?

Mair

Hi Pembroke, welcome i am so so glad you found SR. You will find many people here that have been and still are in the same situation. The first thing i did when i found this site was read the stickies at the top, get yourself educated about alcoholism "under the influence" and "Codependant no More" helped me so much, and also if you can find an alanon meeting in your area go and check it out.

I realised in time that the alcoholic in my life would not change until he was ready, he sounds very much like your Dad, he too was a fantastic man in his younger days but his drinking got worse as the years went by, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is devestating to watch and it can ruin families.

You will find that a lot of people here will advice you to take care of yourself, and you will read a lot about codependency. For me it was difficult to understand at first because my mission in life was to save my alcoholic, in time i realised that i didn't cause it, cant control it, and certainly cant cure it.

Please take care of you and keep posting it really does help, more will be online later with a lot more support.

Big hugs to you

Gill

blessed4x

pembroke.......thank you for sharing your story. You sound like an incredible young man. Being raised in a "sports family" and having one of my own I am glad to hear you are in hockey for yourself and not to please your dad! I think the above advice is a great place to start.

It helped me to hear your story from your point of view, as I am "mom" in a similar situation. It breaks my heart to think my kids are feeling the way you do, but also gives me encouragement that I am on the right path for all of us for getting out. Being married to an alcoholic for that many years can really wear down your self-esteem. I think all you can really do now is focus on you, but if you are inclined, and you think they would be open to the idea, could share the site with your sibs and mom, or give them info for their local alanon meetings.......but do take care of you first.

((((hugs))))

DII

Pembroke, from my experience your Dad and Mom are sick. Can you encourage your Mom to attend Al-Anon so she can understand your Dad's disease and her co-dependency? Have you or your sisters been to Al-Anon? Until you, you siblings and your Mom understands the disease and what YOU can do to help yourselves the cycle will continue. I am so sorry for your pain. None of your family can control what your Dad does but you all have control of what you do.

As many have said on this site:

1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't cure it.

Knowledge is power! Keep posting!

pembroke9

Thanks for the responses everyone! I have encouraged my mother to attend some sort of meeting to learn about her disease as well. Everytime I mention my fathers drinking to her, she listens but then she sorta blows it off? She always tries acting like it isn't that bad. She is so use to the arguments and the verbal cut downs that she thinks its normal. I'm afraid she is just as sick as him. She will threaten leaving him and he will tell her to get out, but she never ends up leaving. I think she is afraid she has no where else to go, and everytime she tries leaving my dad will bug her until she comes back and he has threatened suicide a few times.

I've talked to a few people about this including my friends aunt who went through the same thing. She gave me books for my mother to read. I gave them to my mom and she acted interested, but I have ask her if she read them and she told me "a few pages". She hasn't had time lol? My father found the books and started cussing her out one day saying I was putting **** in her head. I looked for them last night and cannot find them now.

My sisters will not go to these meetings to help my father. They hate him. They still talk to him when he is sober but the only reason they still come around is to talk to my mother. My little sister moved back awhile ago because shouldnt couldnt afford living on her own. Now she's back out. We cant come to are parents for financial help, that is another thing that has been extremely hard on us kids. We have nobody else except are selfs. I am really proud of my sisters because they manage to pay for their own schooling. One is going to be a nurse, the other a cop, go figure.. lol. Luckily they have found good boyfriends who treat them right and help them out. They both moved out very young. 16 and 17 and my dad had no problem with it.

I dont see anyone of my family members helping his problem, unless my father broke down one day and said he needed help. But I never see that happening, he loves drinking to much. He cannot have fun in life without a beer.

I am stuck because I feel like I am the only one who cares about what is going to happen. It's draining me and I need to worry about my own life. If I cut my father out of my life, i have to cut my mother out was well. I cant see myself doing that. If i did and one of them were to die, i would feel horrible. I dont know how I would get over that.

GiveLove

Pembroke,

It's so hard to watch when people make choices that we KNOW aren't good for them, we KNOW might hurt them, but we can't control what they do.

You do not have to cut your father out of your life.

My boundary was that I would no longer talk to my alcoholic family members when they were drunk, and I would no longer hang around them if they GOT drunk. So if they phoned and were drunk, I forced myself to say, "I don't want to talk to you drunk ever again. Call me when you're sober." And hang up. And if it was a family gathering, and a relative got drunk, I removed myself from the situation.

I found ways to stay in contact with people for most of that time, just by making sure they were sober when I talked with them. That was the boundary, and in time after a lot of practice I got good at protecting it. So it's not all-or-nothing for you........you might just make it clear what you're willing to do: When you're sober, you can have a relationship with me. When you're drunk, you're on your own. You have every right to do that, and it will help you stay sane.

I'm sorry your mother, sisters, and you had to suffer so much damage from your father. He doesn't sound like a swell guy to me, forgive me. He sounds like a controlling, abusive alcoholic who has a few good moments here and there, like a tiger that occasionally won't bite you if you tiptoe around him. It's obvious he still exerts a lot of control over all of you.

You may consider some counseling for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA -- of which I am one too), going to something like Al-Anon meetings with your mom (if she'll go), and perhaps giving her a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie on the sly. But again: If she won't go, won't read it, doesn't want help, and won't get help, you cannot force her. These are her choices, and as sad as they are you cannot control them.

You will have your chance to be there for her if your father continues his drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disorder and it breaks down the body eventually. If she refuses to protect herself NOW, maybe she will be able to move on later. It's a sad, sad disease.

All you can do is save yourself.......that's what the counseling was good for, for me. Breaking free from the grip of alcoholic family madness didn't cure THEM, but it made me able to stop the cycle in my generation - the alcoholic buck stops with me and goes no further. Plus, life is a lot better.

Hugs,
GL

laurie6781

Pembrooke, welcome to SR you have found a great place.

The meetings are NOT to help your father. The meetings are for EACH of you to HELP yourselves.

Not only am I a recovering Alcoholic/Addict for many years. I am the Adult Child of An Alcoholic and I am Co-dependent.

Now I could have attended ACOA meetings too, but my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober literally ordered me to start attending Alanon and I did. So I have been in both AA and Alanon for years and years now.

Alanon helped me in so MANY MANY WAYS. Alanon helped me to FIX me. To see where I enabled the alcoholics in my life, to see where I stayed in 'denial' for so long about their actions, etc

Tell your sisters that 'those meetings' are for them not for their father.

As to your mother, unfortunately, until she gets 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' I am afraid she will stay in denial.

Your father is a manipulative man and is doing a great 'number' on your mom. Unfortunately, until she is ready for help there is nothing you can do but be there for her.

As to your father, he may have to get much worse yet before he will seek treatment and he may never seek treatment.

If it is as bad as you say and I am sure it is, you might seek out some professional help for an INTERVENTION that will help him to hit his bottom sooner. Those types of interventions work sometimes, however the rest of the family, your mom, your sisters and yourself MUST keep a UNITED FRONT. This would all be explained to you by the professionals.

Just like on the show "Intervention" boundaries are set.....................if you do not go to treatment today, then this, this, and this will happen. An INTERVENTION is actually VERY HARD on the family.

So, my suggestion to you is to go to Alanon, let your sisters and mom see how much it is helping you and they may follow.

Unfortunately, in the long run, the only person we can change and really help is OURSELF. However, by changing ourselves, changing our actions and reactions to the alcoholic in our lives, can have a positive affect on the alcoholic down the line...........................................som etimes. But even when it doesn't it certainly has a positive affect on ones self.

So.............................................ple ase keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

bluejay6

Welcome, Pembroke. What a tragic life your family is living.

You didn't mention that you have ever seen a professional counselor, and since you asked for advice, that would be my advice. I think you will need more than Al-Anon or reading to help you deal with the effects of your father's addiction, and his psychic violence which has battered your mother, you, and your sisters.

I agree with you that change needs to happen, and I think you will need the close support and guidance of a counselor to effect the change you seek...whatever form it takes. Your father has tremendous power in your family. You'll need support to break free and also to make decisions regarding your relationship with your mother, who seems lost in battered-wife-syndrome, even though she has not been physically assaulted (i assume from your post).

Please do find some professional help. You have more pain ahead of you, as your father's addiction worsens. I'm really sorry all of you have suffered so much. Take very good care.

peaceteach

Pembroke9,

I divorced my Alcoholic Husband (AH) 4 years ago after a year long separation. I think I worried a lot about suicide and his survival, but he was miserable with me and miserable without me (he's still alive, by the way). I think most people who have an alcoholic family member worry about them and their survival like you do--it's very "normal" in our abnormal way. We grow up thinking a little differently than kids whose parents are dependable and loving. I read a book that really helped me to see how to stop putting myself through such anquish. It was called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also have offered it to my grown kids to read. I found it extremely eye-opening and shocking. It showed me just how badly I had been affected growing up in an alcoholic home and then marrying an alcoholic. There are also some really helpful stickies, classic readings about alcoholism and being the family member, at the top of this page. It's really important for you to realize that all the anquish and concern you are feeling is what brought us to this forum in the first place, and that there is a better way to live, even if our alcoholic never quits drinking. I encourage you to stick around, keep posting and asking, read a lot, and make an effort to change yourself, not your dad, mom, or sisters. It sometimes winds up having a good effect on others, but meanwhile you get to have your own life back and it feels so great.

pembroke9

Thanks for your replys everyone!

It helps hearing other stories, even know I wouldn't want anyone else living like they are walking on egg-shells everyday. I know my family and I are not alone. I am taking everybodys advice in with great thanks! I have not received any professional help, yet I plan to learn about the effects of this abuse from this website and more. I'll have to wait till next summer to join an alon. I am moving to a country that speaks mostly finnish so I think it's going to be hard lol. Im back around may.

I never knew I actually had a problem that needs curing as well. I've already learned alot from this site. I pray my father gets fixed before he dies, but I am going to start concentrating more on myself. I liked the post about only talking to him when he is sober. Now I just need to stick with my guns.

Please post more if you have any more advice! thank you.

Bernadette

It's draining me and I need to worry about my own life. If I cut my father out of my life, i have to cut my mother out was well. I cant see myself doing that. If i did and one of them were to die, i would feel horrible. I dont know how I would get over that.

Hiiya Pembroke- My father was an alcoholic too. He got into AA when I was 15 and really changed his life. My mom actually has stayed very sick with her codependency issues, transferring them now in all their glory to dealing with my alcoholic brothers.

Try to keep an open mind about the future. You don't necessarily have to "cut" your parents completely out of your life, although, no question, if that's what you need to do to be a healthy whole person it is your right. And sometimes we need to do something for an interval of time just to give ourselves a fresh perspective on reality.

I found by changing my expectations and maintaining my boundaries in dealing with my alcoholic brothers that I am able to still feel some compassion for them and love them but not let them drag me down and make me sick. It took practice and I needed the help and guidance I got from AlAnon and individual counseling.

AlAnon taught me how to use so many new tools and gave me ideas that I never would have thought of on my own -- sometimes they were small shifts in my thinking or little things I could "do" that ended up making a huge difference in the quality of my life.

Glad you're here-- keep posting--you're not alone!
Peace-
B