I Just Realized My Life is Different
 

I started reading the book Codepenent No More yesterday. Pretty insightful read, but I really hate how it identifies me.

Today I woke up and realizied that Thanksgiving is in two weeks and my plans were to spend it with my EXABF in CO. He is taking his new fiance there in my place, and this morning the reality of that hit me. I feel angry, hurt and sick to my stomach. Trying to follow the advice of Beattie's book, but my head is clouded right now and I feel like I have been hit by a truck all over again. I don't have to make a decsion today about what to do (a good thing), but I am angry and hurt that he is doing this, getting away with doing this and gets to continue doing the things we did together without any negative ramifications. I feel alone in this pain and it is awful.

youre not alone. keep gettng get it out. i feel for you.

sometimes i go to borders, and sit in self help (there are a lot of books about recovery actually) and i read that one there. eventually i bought it... but keep reading and reaching out if it helps you.

Sorry :( You're feeling down. Here...have a hug or two :ghug2 Reality sux sometimes, I agree. You feel like YOU should be going there with your xabf, instead of this NEW woman. Ouch. He's an X, right? Right? It's painful, I know.

Here...have another hug :ghug3

He is an ex as of Oct 20, whe he left me a voicemail telling me he was seeing someone new. I found out from friends that he had been seeing her since the summer and lying about it to me and my family. I have been away busting my hump in grad school, while he was living the high life with her. (I will work on the bitterness soon).

I know it hurts. Cheaters always cheat. They may not always cheat with other people, but they cheat in general. For some reason they feel they don't have to live by the rules.

It just takes time.

Take the alcohol away from a drunken dirty, rotten scoundrel...and you have what...? A dry & dirty, rotten scoundrel. *points finger at self*

Why are you wasting your time on even thinking about him?
Walk in his shoes. Is he bothered? Is he tormenting himself by worrying about what might have been. Is he heck! He's getting on with it and so should you.

Use your energy to plan a truely magnificent day for you. Do your favourite things. Help others less fortunate than you. You've got choices, use them well.

I guess I have wasted time thinking about him, because we were together for almost 4 years and were friends for 11. He was my best friend and I told him everything. He knew me and still chooses to act as he does. I cannot switch my emotions off and on and although I am continuing to move forward (i.e. got to classes and apply for jobs), I find myself in a depression.

Continuing moving is the way through depression. I didn't realize it at the time, but I did get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, attending work, kid stuff, keeping things running around the house and all. Eventually I learned to live life in a different way, like a "new normal" that wound up being so very peaceful. Keep walking the walk. You will find yourself on the other side of depression eventually. Sorry there is no light switch to fix it instantly :)

"Just put one foot in front of the other, and pretty soon you'll be walkin' out that door..." -- from the Rudolph the Reindeer special.

Miss,

My ex was pretty much the same way. She just seemed to be able to 'turn it off' and I was envious of that ability to not feel so deeply. She wasn't seeing anyone, but her secret life of pills was about to be exposed and she 'ran'. Once gone, of course she wanted to portray herself as happy and "getting her life together." (though she never explained what that meant)

I remembered something my best friend says about relationships, however, and I believe it holds great truth, not only in a relationship where the dynamics of addiction exist, but relationships in general.

"Compatibility can not be determined until pathology has been exposed."

New relationships are exciting and 'feel good'... and isn't 'feel good' that addicts seek anyway? Any mechanism that 'feels good' relieves guilt, shame, etc and distance gets you out of his face. Regardless, our pathology and individual dynamics have to be addressed or we continue the same patterns... addiction or not.

'Feel good' goes away and pathology is ALWAYS exposed. And, in my opinion, we can only determine the quality of our relationships and the amount of investment we should risk in them once we have been exposed to another's 'true self'. 'Feel good' fades and the honeymoon is over, but pathology is forever unless a conscious, sustained, focused, invested effort to change exists... without a desire to change, it's one constant pursuit of diverse mechanisms that lead to 'feel good'.

An addicts decision to pursue 'feel good' isn't a statement about who I am as a person... it's a statement about who they are as a person, living out their own pathology. "... and the wisdom to know the difference." It's freeing when I can take responsibility for what is mine and allow others to own what is theirs.

It takes time, but it does get better.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

You are not alone.

Al Anon and my therapist helped me understand two things. First, a great lesson learned in the rooms of Al Anon was "not in my time." Meaning things will not happen on the timetable I have decided upon or wish for.

My therapist has helped me understand that when people live a life of deceit and cruelty there are always negative ramifications. Again, not in my time, but as sure as the sun rises, it is so. I choose to believe her because I've seen it happen.

Of course, I would like to see some things happen NOW, but so be it.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will work out, I promise.