"But I have to stay for the kids" long
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
"But I have to stay for the kids" long
hello all. I have lurked for a month or so and would like to thank everyone for their posts. It has encouraged me that I am not crazy in finding my alcoholic husband's behaviour unacceptable.
I have been with my AH for 8 years. He has shown alcoholic behaviour for the whole length of time I have been with him but I only realised that he had a problem when he physically abused me while I was pregnant with my first child. I was shocked and sought counselling where I learnt about my role in it as an enabler. I worked on myself and stopped enabling and started setting boundaries.
He improved to a point. He never gave up the alcohol but there was a big line between his drinking time and our together time. I thought things had improved so much that we had a second child.
Somehow over time, things have slid downhill again. The line between his drinking and family time got blurred. I was once again doing the driving while he was in the passenger seat drinking, kids in the backseat as we all went off for 'a lovely time'. He was drinking daily again and treating me like cr*p. About as bad as the worst time but minus the physical abuse. (Lots of passive aggressive behaviour, verbal abuse, emotional abuse.)
I woke up again to what the situation had turned into and laid down a boundary "Treat me with respect." He did for a day and that was all he could manage. The next day was the usual awful stuff. By that time I decided to go to Al-Anon.
I didn't even talk during the meeting. I just sobbed and sobbed. There was a 20year old who had been raised by alcoholics and he had been so damaged by his upbringing. It removed the last barrier I had for leaving the marriage "But I have to stay for the kids".
I told him I would make arrangements to leave. Then and there he said he would attend counselling and give up drinking. I think he is buying himself some time. I don't believe him. He still hasn't admitted his problem. His words were "There is a difference between an addiction and a habit." He has been sober for 5 days now but I don't care. I know to recover, he has to want recovery and I will support him in that but right now, I feel it is fake. I'm not making any further movements until we see the counsellor.
Thank you for reading this far.
I have been with my AH for 8 years. He has shown alcoholic behaviour for the whole length of time I have been with him but I only realised that he had a problem when he physically abused me while I was pregnant with my first child. I was shocked and sought counselling where I learnt about my role in it as an enabler. I worked on myself and stopped enabling and started setting boundaries.
He improved to a point. He never gave up the alcohol but there was a big line between his drinking time and our together time. I thought things had improved so much that we had a second child.
Somehow over time, things have slid downhill again. The line between his drinking and family time got blurred. I was once again doing the driving while he was in the passenger seat drinking, kids in the backseat as we all went off for 'a lovely time'. He was drinking daily again and treating me like cr*p. About as bad as the worst time but minus the physical abuse. (Lots of passive aggressive behaviour, verbal abuse, emotional abuse.)
I woke up again to what the situation had turned into and laid down a boundary "Treat me with respect." He did for a day and that was all he could manage. The next day was the usual awful stuff. By that time I decided to go to Al-Anon.
I didn't even talk during the meeting. I just sobbed and sobbed. There was a 20year old who had been raised by alcoholics and he had been so damaged by his upbringing. It removed the last barrier I had for leaving the marriage "But I have to stay for the kids".
I told him I would make arrangements to leave. Then and there he said he would attend counselling and give up drinking. I think he is buying himself some time. I don't believe him. He still hasn't admitted his problem. His words were "There is a difference between an addiction and a habit." He has been sober for 5 days now but I don't care. I know to recover, he has to want recovery and I will support him in that but right now, I feel it is fake. I'm not making any further movements until we see the counsellor.
Thank you for reading this far.
I told him I would make arrangements to leave. Then and there he said he would attend counselling and give up drinking. I think he is buying himself some time. I don't believe him. He still hasn't admitted his problem. His words were "There is a difference between an addiction and a habit." He has been sober for 5 days now but I don't care. I know to recover, he has to want recovery and I will support him in that but right now, I feel it is fake. I'm not making any further movements until we see the counsellor.
Glad you posted! But sorry for your circumstances. You sound like you are emerging from a foggy cave- into the light of reality and ready to do what's right for you and your kids - regardless of his next move. Pay attention to behaviors not talk (quack quack) and try to just keep doing the next right thing for YOU.
Glad you found AlAnon. Is it helping you?
(((hugs)))
B.
Glad you posted! But sorry for your circumstances. You sound like you are emerging from a foggy cave- into the light of reality and ready to do what's right for you and your kids - regardless of his next move. Pay attention to behaviors not talk (quack quack) and try to just keep doing the next right thing for YOU.
Glad you found AlAnon. Is it helping you?
(((hugs)))
B.
Welcome. . . I also remember saying the same thing to myself- I have to keep trying for our dd. I now realize one person can't make everything better. For my own sanity and for dd I am no longer with STBXAH. I believe her life is much more peaceful. She is not witnessing unhealthy behavior between her parents, and as much as I'd like to think we hid that from her, we didn't hide everything. All of the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse and just being disengaged spills over into everyday life until it's all there is. It was so subtle sometimes that I didn't realize how much a part of life it was until I got out and started to see how sick it all was. I was becoming someone I didn't like. It took drastic measures for me to find myself again. Through it all counseling, al-anon, friends and family and this forum have helped me immensely. As far as what your husband is doing, I would say actions speak louder than words. I remember once in counseling with STBXAH he was complaining that I didn't trust him- the counselor- who is an expert in chemical dependency said to both of us, "You can't trust him, and you should not." It was a revelation to me after so many years of being told by STBXAH that there was something wrong with me. Words mean nothing anymore. Action is what I look for. Take care.
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