Powerless Over Others

Old 11-12-2008, 11:49 AM
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Powerless Over Others

Reading a little last night got me thinking....

I bought the whole "powerless over his drinking" thing a while back, but I didn't realize how hard I'd been trying to exert some power over pretty much everything and everyone else. I'd been attempting mind control on a daily basis and feeling disappointed when my efforts failed.

Man oh man, did I ever try to control how OTHER people are perceived (not to mention how I was perceived) and how OTHER people feel!

I spend a lot of energy working to make sure that the people I care about are not misunderstood and trying to soothe their hurt feelings - even if I wasn't the one who hurt them.

Say, for instance, that one of my friends speaks tersely to another friend, resulting in injured feelings. There I am - explaining what Friend #1 "must have meant." Reassuring that she cares and she didn't intend to cause pain.

Does my AH "forget" to call my son to say goodnight? There I am - jumping to the rescue - making sure that kiddo and I call AH so that DS doesn't feel abandoned, so that he doesn't feel like his dad doesn't love him.

But I'm not responsible for making sure that DS feels like his dad loves him! I'm only responsible for ensuring that I behave in a loving manner toward him! AH didn't call - I don't know why. If DS is upset, he has a legit reason to be. I'm not doing anyone any favors by putting a band-aid (calling AH) on an open, infected wound (self-centered alcoholism).

I'm starting to realize that engaging in these type of behaviors feeds my "I'm in charge, I'm important" need when I am able to achieve my goal (change minds, make others happy, etc...), but it brings me deep and abiding sorrow when I fail to elicit the desired effect.

Knowledge is power, right?

Have a great day, all!
-TC
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Old 11-12-2008, 12:01 PM
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Great topic.

It reminded me that after I had been going to Al Anon for maybe 6 months I noticed my 'control tatics' had changed.

Pre Al Anon, I'd ask my xA things like 'When was the last time you spoke to your sponsor?' This was my way of checking up on him of course.

But then I changed my tatics so rather than ask the obvious I'd casual say, 'So how's that sponsor of yours?' Lol.

Different approach BUT SAME INTENTION = control him.

It was awful to realise it. Lol.
My own denial astounds me sometimes.

And if my memory serves me correctly, my approach after that when I felt like checking up on him was to leave the room or go sit in the bathroom, just put a bit of distance between us, and wait for 'the need to know' to pass.
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Old 11-12-2008, 12:16 PM
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That's true. I try to have less "need to know" and more "more will be revealed" in my life.
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Old 11-12-2008, 12:21 PM
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ToughChoices, It's so timely that you posted this because I had that same a-ha moment last night. After reading lots of SR, I was reading Melody Beattie's Co-Dependents 12 steps & realized I hadn't conquered the first step yet "We admit that we are powerless over others (or the alcoholic) in our life; that our lives had become unmanageable.” I see now how controlling I have been & haven't been giving up that power. By going drinking with my AH, I was actually trying to control how much he drank b/c I figured he'd drink less if I was there. I also ran to his rescue & gave him money for a Campral prescription (which he has yet to fill yet has spent the money I gave him) b/c he said he didn't have the money for it - - another attempt by me to control his drinking. I see how all the times I blamed him for "making me" save him had nothing to do with him - he didn't ask - I just barged on in. I see, too, now that the drinking is just a small part of the problem in our relationship. Granted, it looms huge for me because my father was an A so it's a major hot button for me. But, I see that's just one part of the puzzle ... I think our problems stem from me not accepting that he's one of those people who shuns responsibility & taking action. He's fine with his drinking, his smoking, his job-hopping, his lack of money management (including no savings or retirement fund), etc. It's ME who has the problem & keeps trying to control things to fix it. He has no problem with me, as long as I'm not trying to control him, which is fair enough, as I sure wouldn't want someone controlling me. So, now I just have to figure out where that leaves us & what I'm willing to accept.
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Old 11-12-2008, 12:34 PM
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Aaah, yes I am a recovering mender of all fences. . .

well maybe I should say I am attempting to be a recovering mender of all fences

Pre-Al-anon (and sometimes prone to relapes) Every part of my being has those urges to smooth over the bumps in everyone else's relationships - cause I really need you to be ok - cause if you're not then I'm not ok -
But I'm sure none of you have every experienced anything like that right?

So here I go - trudging the road to a happy destiny reminding myself to MYOB (mind your own business) and allow others the dignity to work out their own issues. Cause after all I really do have so much of my own stuff to work on.

Thanks this is a great thread and a wonderful reminder.

Rita
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:50 PM
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I have always been the family peace-maker and smooth-over-er as well.

I realized today, at school, that I am not yet free of this tendency. The professor was passing a roll sheet around the class, and I signed it and passed it along. But then I found my self wondering if the person I passed it to, who was in a row of desks all by herself, was going to have to get up to give it to the next person. For seconds, I actually worried about that.

I worry about other people toasting their toast too long, whether the person I hold the door open for, holds it open for the next person, etc. etc. I don't obsess, but these thoughts just don't seem to ever truly go away.

I have just shortened the length of time they're allowed to hang around in my head, from hours to minutes to seconds.

Letting go of other peoples' choices, it seems, will be a lifelong learning process.

Thanks, TC
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:57 PM
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Control is a funny thing.

I am in business school and here controlling and manipluating people into doing what is needed for the big picture is an IDEAL characteristic. Not manipulating in a selfish way, but for the group/business/collective goal. Shrewd businessmen come to mind.

What is ironic to me is that a trait that is so negative in our personal lives can be revered and admired professionally. Weird huh?
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by ToughChoices View Post
Reading a little last night got me thinking....

I bought the whole "powerless over his drinking" thing a while back, but I didn't realize how hard I'd been trying to exert some power over pretty much everything and everyone else.
Hi ToughChoices:

For me, the key to understanding step one was embodied in the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. My insanity has been to put tremendous energy into controlling the uncontrollable. There are some things in this life, no matter how hard I try to control them, I will not succeed. I simply have to accept it. It is what it is.

On the other hand, there are situations in life where one's power over others may be severly limited, but that may change in the future. Barak Obama would be a good example of that. His power over others now is limited, but that is going to change when he is sworn in as President. Also, there are other situations where one may have had power over others, but no longer does. A good example of that would be my son. When he was very young, I had power over him. Now that he has moved out and is on his own making his own decisions in life, I no longer have power over him.

Step one for me was about performing a power assessment. Admitting my powerlessness over someone or something is about aligning my thinking with reality. It took me a long, long time to admit that I was powerless over something or someone because in my mind I was telling myself that I was in control.

Peace.
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by CatsnDogs4Me View Post
After reading lots of SR, I was reading Melody Beattie's Co-Dependents 12 steps & realized I hadn't conquered the first step yet "We admit that we are powerless over others (or the alcoholic) in our life; that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Ha ha! I was reading the EXACT same thing - it was time for me to get some steps going!

I love to come here and meet people who are on their own similar journey, making similar discoveries and teaching me along the way.

Good for us and our unmanageable lives!

-TC
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Control is a funny thing.

I am in business school and here controlling and manipluating people into doing what is needed for the big picture is an IDEAL characteristic. Not manipulating in a selfish way, but for the group/business/collective goal. Shrewd businessmen come to mind.

What is ironic to me is that a trait that is so negative in our personal lives can be revered and admired professionally. Weird huh?
Hi MissFixit:

The difference is in the business world savvy people know how to control people without making them feel like they are being controlled. Control without domination is something that few people master.

Peace.
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
I don't obsess, but these thoughts just don't seem to ever truly go away.

I have just shortened the length of time they're allowed to hang around in my head, from hours to minutes to seconds.

Letting go of other peoples' choices, it seems, will be a lifelong learning process.
Are you telling me that I'm never going to be able to entirely let go of my burnt toast concern?!! My desire to hold doors open WAY longer than is appropriate?!!

Now I'm upset.

-TC
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:22 PM
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The best managers are those who don't overtly control, but instead harness everyone's unique gifts and strengths in a way that both empowers THEM and creates a bundle of forward-moving energy for whatever venture it is.

I have my own company, and if I didn't exert a certain degree of control over my destiny, everyone else (clients, vendors, etc.) would try to do it for me But I always try to remember that we're all in this together, I love and believe in the people who work for me, and it's better for everyone to have the same goals rather than having to "control" them into doing what I want. Much more effortless that way, like leading a horse toward the stable rather than away...
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by ToughChoices View Post
Are you telling me that I'm never going to be able to entirely let go of my burnt toast concern?!! My desire to hold doors open WAY longer than is appropriate?!!
You, TC, are relatively superhuman and so I am sure you will overcome what I have not

The good news is it's just a tiny blip on the radar now, and not a big battleship bearing down on me, the USS Codie about to plow me under....
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Old 11-12-2008, 08:01 PM
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I'm still struggling with the first step too. Every time I look at it I get angry - that alone should tell me I really need to spend time thinking about it!

I too am a fence mender and since finding an alcoholic and then finding al-anon I have really learned a lot about my co-dependency.

I don't want anyone's feelings to hurt, I don't want anyone to suffer, etc so I have always tried to make peace. What I never thought about was my own hurt feelings and my own suffering.

If I put half the energy into taking care of myself that I put into taking care of others I'd be just fine.

Even though I'm not actively working the steps that is one place where al-anon has helped me tremendously - learning that I shouldn't be taking care of people who are old enough to take care of themselves and the problems they create.
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