Why are recovering alcoholics emotionally/physically distant?
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Why are recovering alcoholics emotionally/physically distant?
i am new to this site and am feeling at a loss with my abf who is 20 days recovering and doing the AA program. he is doing very well thinks he is on top of the problem but in the past 2 weeks he has distanced himself from me physically and emotionally. he no longer tells me he loves me, doesnt call like he used to, doesnt really make plans or holds my hand. i feel like we are only friends. i think he forgets i exist sometimes because his focus is now work. its another addictive behavior perhaps?
he apologizes for being distant but says that he doesnt want to establish patterns and does not want the responsibility of my feelings being hurt again like when he binged and dissapeared for a week before he decided to finally get sober. he wont even come over or sleep over my home anymore.
now that he feels better he is trying to reconnect with his kids to repair the situation but is dealing with his ex-wife's angry rants. her voice used to send him to the bottle. he is finally standing up to her and not allowing the demise of their relationship 4 years ago effect him and sobriety when she angrily calls.
i am a strong independent person but i dont know how to regain my boyfriend back. i have just attended my first 2 alanon mtgs. he doesnt know ive gone and i feel like its my secret in seeking some sort of guidence or inside information on what is happening between he and i.
i am now facing the fact that we may not get married one day like we said, we wont go on vacations like we said when he was drunk, that maybe he doesnt truly love me and that there are no children for us in the future especially if he remains a drunk. its hard enough at the fact he is a divorcee and the children are a priority and all he ever talks about is his sobriety, the kids and the ex-wife feeling miserable. so i really feel i am now 3rd, 4th and 5th in line in his life.
in aa, recovering alcoholics are to take it one day at a time but does that mean not to discuss the future we already planned? to wipe the slate clean and only live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute? how have others handled this because i feel like this is no longer a relationship and trying so hard to understand recovery on top of his divorcee status of 4 years and the anger pain ex and kids feel that he struggles with. his only focus day to day is work work work...and then aa...kids and dealing with ex..then i fall somewhere last if i am lucky.
i dont understand how to continue with him. i know people say to focus on me and be patient but i just feel frustrated and empty.
he apologizes for being distant but says that he doesnt want to establish patterns and does not want the responsibility of my feelings being hurt again like when he binged and dissapeared for a week before he decided to finally get sober. he wont even come over or sleep over my home anymore.
now that he feels better he is trying to reconnect with his kids to repair the situation but is dealing with his ex-wife's angry rants. her voice used to send him to the bottle. he is finally standing up to her and not allowing the demise of their relationship 4 years ago effect him and sobriety when she angrily calls.
i am a strong independent person but i dont know how to regain my boyfriend back. i have just attended my first 2 alanon mtgs. he doesnt know ive gone and i feel like its my secret in seeking some sort of guidence or inside information on what is happening between he and i.
i am now facing the fact that we may not get married one day like we said, we wont go on vacations like we said when he was drunk, that maybe he doesnt truly love me and that there are no children for us in the future especially if he remains a drunk. its hard enough at the fact he is a divorcee and the children are a priority and all he ever talks about is his sobriety, the kids and the ex-wife feeling miserable. so i really feel i am now 3rd, 4th and 5th in line in his life.
in aa, recovering alcoholics are to take it one day at a time but does that mean not to discuss the future we already planned? to wipe the slate clean and only live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute? how have others handled this because i feel like this is no longer a relationship and trying so hard to understand recovery on top of his divorcee status of 4 years and the anger pain ex and kids feel that he struggles with. his only focus day to day is work work work...and then aa...kids and dealing with ex..then i fall somewhere last if i am lucky.
i dont understand how to continue with him. i know people say to focus on me and be patient but i just feel frustrated and empty.
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hi and welcome to SR spda,
i am both a recovering A and a member of AlAnon, and my experience is from both sides of the emotional fence. first off, i am glad you are really looking at the patterns in your relationship before marriage rather than remaining unaware of the landscape.
your fellow has quite alot of repair work to do, and it sounds like a bit of an availability issue coupled with other problems. its great that you are attending aloanon and remembering YOURSELF in this equation. Keep focussing on your needs and you will be guided, one day at a time, to the happy harmonious outcome you deserve.
in answer to your questions about AA and its principles: you are welcome to post a thread over in the 12 step recovery forum asking the members there the same question. Many of us will be happy to share how it is for us.
personally, as an A myself, when i did not have healthy recovery going on, i used to withdraw, retreat and use distancing as a way to feel comfortable in close relationships.
i've come to understand that this alcohloc is just about as "hard-wired" to escapism as she is to alcohlism. That means I will try to run away when my emotions get intense. emotions such as fear, anger, frustration, insecurity, jealousy, doubt, you get the picture: the whole range of feelings that any relationship fosters.
so, when i started to get squirrelly inside, the natural thing for me to do when active in alcoholism would have been to escape it with alcohol. In early recovery, I used to do a poor job of being honest about my motives and often would hide behind endeavours that looked good on the outside but were escapes noentheless, because, what I lacked were true communication skills.
Today (years sober later) when i start to get uncomfortable inside, the natural thing for me to do is to notice that I am feeling like escaping it with diversions (this requires that I can effectively communicate with myself and have the perspective and honesty to catch myself): i might overwork, i might want to withdraw and isolate and i might want to shut down totally. Or I might need rest, food and water.
this is where the 12 steps programs have helped immensely. they have given a guide to living life in a healthy way. And yes, it IS one day at a time, but it does not mean we never make plans or build upon them.
Recovery is a lifelong path. Again, welcome. Let us know how things go for you.
i am both a recovering A and a member of AlAnon, and my experience is from both sides of the emotional fence. first off, i am glad you are really looking at the patterns in your relationship before marriage rather than remaining unaware of the landscape.
your fellow has quite alot of repair work to do, and it sounds like a bit of an availability issue coupled with other problems. its great that you are attending aloanon and remembering YOURSELF in this equation. Keep focussing on your needs and you will be guided, one day at a time, to the happy harmonious outcome you deserve.
in answer to your questions about AA and its principles: you are welcome to post a thread over in the 12 step recovery forum asking the members there the same question. Many of us will be happy to share how it is for us.
personally, as an A myself, when i did not have healthy recovery going on, i used to withdraw, retreat and use distancing as a way to feel comfortable in close relationships.
i've come to understand that this alcohloc is just about as "hard-wired" to escapism as she is to alcohlism. That means I will try to run away when my emotions get intense. emotions such as fear, anger, frustration, insecurity, jealousy, doubt, you get the picture: the whole range of feelings that any relationship fosters.
so, when i started to get squirrelly inside, the natural thing for me to do when active in alcoholism would have been to escape it with alcohol. In early recovery, I used to do a poor job of being honest about my motives and often would hide behind endeavours that looked good on the outside but were escapes noentheless, because, what I lacked were true communication skills.
Today (years sober later) when i start to get uncomfortable inside, the natural thing for me to do is to notice that I am feeling like escaping it with diversions (this requires that I can effectively communicate with myself and have the perspective and honesty to catch myself): i might overwork, i might want to withdraw and isolate and i might want to shut down totally. Or I might need rest, food and water.
this is where the 12 steps programs have helped immensely. they have given a guide to living life in a healthy way. And yes, it IS one day at a time, but it does not mean we never make plans or build upon them.
Recovery is a lifelong path. Again, welcome. Let us know how things go for you.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Early recovery was a crazy time for me. It was very difficult for me to handle my own emotions.
I don't know that I distanced myself from loved ones or not. I may have, though no one said this to me outright.
All I knew then was that being sober was uncomfortable. My default setting was drunk. I had a million and one things to deal with just with myself, let alone worrying about someone else.
I don't know that I distanced myself from loved ones or not. I may have, though no one said this to me outright.
All I knew then was that being sober was uncomfortable. My default setting was drunk. I had a million and one things to deal with just with myself, let alone worrying about someone else.
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well, i have an answer...
i asked and he responded with... he has a lot on his plate and that he has to fix the situations that he has ignored for way too long..work, the kids and now the ex wife sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown! things in his life that he has ignored way too long. stating that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me or still not want me to be his girlfriend and that im not a pattern -he is.
he says he is sorry if i have to take a back seat to this but he has to do this right or he's going to end up where he was which is no where & he doesn't have any more strikes left in him. "If I fail again I don't think I will be able to come back from it."
i told him i get it but it still hurts me. naturally, he cant respond because he can only be selfish and i never want him to go back to the bottle so i have to do as he asks for him to save himself. my mind understands his rationalization but my heart doesnt. we have been in a committed relationship because he wanted it and now im back burner girl. i think i need alanon today for sure!!!
i asked and he responded with... he has a lot on his plate and that he has to fix the situations that he has ignored for way too long..work, the kids and now the ex wife sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown! things in his life that he has ignored way too long. stating that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me or still not want me to be his girlfriend and that im not a pattern -he is.
he says he is sorry if i have to take a back seat to this but he has to do this right or he's going to end up where he was which is no where & he doesn't have any more strikes left in him. "If I fail again I don't think I will be able to come back from it."
i told him i get it but it still hurts me. naturally, he cant respond because he can only be selfish and i never want him to go back to the bottle so i have to do as he asks for him to save himself. my mind understands his rationalization but my heart doesnt. we have been in a committed relationship because he wanted it and now im back burner girl. i think i need alanon today for sure!!!
Last edited by spda; 11-12-2008 at 10:44 AM. Reason: forgot quotes
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SPDA
I am a recovering alcoholic (FYI).
I think it is premature and dangerous to generalize or even predict anything at this point. We alcoholics have some things in common, but we are also unique individuals. If your man had shown the complete opposite set of behaviors, I don't think it would be "odd."
It is so very early, SPD. He is just beginning to see some things clearly. He is just (like Obama) realizing the enormity of the task. He is, for good reason, "under the influence" of AA and recovery. He realizes that he has not weeded life's garden for a long time and it is staring him in the face.
You are the one choosing to look at yourself as 4th or 5th. Is it wise to "rank" people.
My SO and I are engaged in the opposite scenario. It is I who am seeking intimacy, talk of the future, of wanting to confront things *now.* It is she who is uncertain and has had her trust level severely scorched.
Are our scenario's so different? I don't think so. I suspect we are significantly older than you. Both our families (w/children) are grown. But, I suspect that both my SO and you could learn a bit from each other. You may benefit by taking a few steps back and contempating what life with him will be like, and my lady might benefit by taking a few steps forward and contemplating what life without me will be like.
This is very early in the diagnosis, SPDA. It is impossible to predict the course of the disease. 20+ days? He is still a neonate. Using my comparison, it may be wise for all four of us to work on our respective "stuff." Regardless of the outcome, it must be for the best, and we must all emerge healthy.
Best to you,
warren
I am a recovering alcoholic (FYI).
I think it is premature and dangerous to generalize or even predict anything at this point. We alcoholics have some things in common, but we are also unique individuals. If your man had shown the complete opposite set of behaviors, I don't think it would be "odd."
It is so very early, SPD. He is just beginning to see some things clearly. He is just (like Obama) realizing the enormity of the task. He is, for good reason, "under the influence" of AA and recovery. He realizes that he has not weeded life's garden for a long time and it is staring him in the face.
You are the one choosing to look at yourself as 4th or 5th. Is it wise to "rank" people.
My SO and I are engaged in the opposite scenario. It is I who am seeking intimacy, talk of the future, of wanting to confront things *now.* It is she who is uncertain and has had her trust level severely scorched.
Are our scenario's so different? I don't think so. I suspect we are significantly older than you. Both our families (w/children) are grown. But, I suspect that both my SO and you could learn a bit from each other. You may benefit by taking a few steps back and contempating what life with him will be like, and my lady might benefit by taking a few steps forward and contemplating what life without me will be like.
This is very early in the diagnosis, SPDA. It is impossible to predict the course of the disease. 20+ days? He is still a neonate. Using my comparison, it may be wise for all four of us to work on our respective "stuff." Regardless of the outcome, it must be for the best, and we must all emerge healthy.
Best to you,
warren
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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I would highly recommend attending Alanon for yourself.
As others have said, 20 days is a mere drop in the bucket.
I was bat crazy the first year I was sober!
It sounds like he is doing the right thing for his sobriety and setting things straight right now.
As others have said, 20 days is a mere drop in the bucket.
I was bat crazy the first year I was sober!
It sounds like he is doing the right thing for his sobriety and setting things straight right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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i am attending an alanon meeting tonight, thank you all for your perspectives! its just hard because we have a long history (15 years). love of my life kinda thing and we got a second chance. we met again after 5 years of no communication this year. i had no idea he had been an alcoholic for 10. it took me a month to realize he was a 5 day binge drinker. he looked to me to save him and maybe in a weird way me being in his life pushed him as he says to get sober (he has relapsed once before after 20 days) because i offered him a future with me. now he is recovering and those talks of future are gone. i feel i got the broken toy after divorce, kids, etc. i cant help that his past is messed up and the ex-wife is a worm so she's now claiming nervous breakdown so he is stressed over the kids and feels he's to blame. with all this drama from the past does it mean that any talks of the future we had our wiped out? i suppose i am just trying to find solice and not feel non-existent. he is a wonderful man and our relationship was enviable except for the bingeing and drinking times. maybe it was all a lie and now my perception of it is all messed up. i dont know. i am trying is all i can say. i want him to stay focused and be a recovered life long sober alcoholic. its just hard to feel disconnected. i thought about all your posts and wrote him an email saying that I get it, it is what is has to be for now. I want him to know I love him and I am here for him. That I have no idea what's gonna happen with us but I care more about him being in a healthy place and being sober for life. He's right he cant fail there are no more strikes and he responded with thanks. One word -plain and simple. I really hope I have the strength to get through this...
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the ex wife wants my number but i dont want to deal with her. we have history in regards to him. she doesnt want him but doesnt want him to be with anyone else and any woman who gets pregnant to keep a man just blows my mind. her breakdown right now is attention because he sounds better and was very happy regarding me. she said "its no fair that he has moved on and she cant meet any one. he destroyed her life and she is now miserable" thankfully, he acknowledges that that is her situation to deal with and he has to deal with his. i just feel its a bunch of drama and her way to keep the manipulation/control going as it has for years. im bothered that her "illness" had taken priority of where i stand in his life.
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Originally Posted by spda 
she said "its no fair that he has moved on and she cant meet any one. he destroyed her life and she is now miserable"
I'm not saying that is your situation, but did she say these words to you?
A long time ago a friend of mine was having an affair with a married man. Went on for 7 years before the wife got pregnant again. My friend was so upset - said the man told her his wife forced him to have sex, what could he do? Give me a break.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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SPDA, good luck in your situation. I know it must be hard. I feel your pain.
I got together with my EXABF after being friends with him for 7 years losing touch and reconnecting. That was 4 years ago. He and his ex-wife split 2 years prior to that. She is well known for being "tough" as nails and he made every effort to blame divorce on her nagging/controlling/hating his friends. He now uses the exact same terms to describe ME. I put my foot down with drinking. I have also found out in the last couple of weeks that she moved out because of his drinking. She gave him an ultimatum regarding drinking. They were together for 13 years, he and I were together for almost 4. I wanted to call her early on just to tell her that I was going to date him and he HIGHLY objected, saying that she didn't like me (although we had been friends years before), so I didn't. Perhaps, had I spoken with her, I would have seen things from another side and not taken waht he said as gospel.
Not remotely trying to tell you what to do, but I wish I had been more objective in dealing with him early on, even though I thought I was doing the "right" thing by completely believing the man I loved. I am really just learning this, but since they are alcoholics, I think that has to be added into the equation.
I got together with my EXABF after being friends with him for 7 years losing touch and reconnecting. That was 4 years ago. He and his ex-wife split 2 years prior to that. She is well known for being "tough" as nails and he made every effort to blame divorce on her nagging/controlling/hating his friends. He now uses the exact same terms to describe ME. I put my foot down with drinking. I have also found out in the last couple of weeks that she moved out because of his drinking. She gave him an ultimatum regarding drinking. They were together for 13 years, he and I were together for almost 4. I wanted to call her early on just to tell her that I was going to date him and he HIGHLY objected, saying that she didn't like me (although we had been friends years before), so I didn't. Perhaps, had I spoken with her, I would have seen things from another side and not taken waht he said as gospel.
Not remotely trying to tell you what to do, but I wish I had been more objective in dealing with him early on, even though I thought I was doing the "right" thing by completely believing the man I loved. I am really just learning this, but since they are alcoholics, I think that has to be added into the equation.
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i heard her voicemail. its like a parrot repeating over and over how unhappy they are. this used to make him drink. now i think he really is scared she is having a breakdown. of course its only natural for me to be uncomfortable because i am dealing with a loss in my relationship of intimacy, promises and all the emotional baggage plus be supportive of him and him reaching for complete sobriety.
and yes ...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! i believe that and only until now his actions have spoken highly now the action is distance and that is hard to grin and bear.
and yes ...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! i believe that and only until now his actions have spoken highly now the action is distance and that is hard to grin and bear.
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i woke up angry today. it makes me angry that i have (had??) a relationship and i cannot vent to my so called partner. that it is all about him and his needs always. i am angry that i feel cast aside. our plans diminished! how can i want to still remain close to him when his illness and recovery now make me feel abandoned. my mind tells me all these rational thoughts but my heart is so pissed off by it all!
he wants space in order to get better but why does he dwell and dwell on the past. cant he fix the past and work a little on the future at the same time? it doesnt make sense to me???!! feedback?
btw, i went to alanon like i said i would and the people who approached me after said that they have gone through the same when their A went into recovery. i still feel frustration so i guess this is where i am venting. if i tell my friends and family they would tell me to dump him so i dont go to them-it makes me feel isolated.
he wants space in order to get better but why does he dwell and dwell on the past. cant he fix the past and work a little on the future at the same time? it doesnt make sense to me???!! feedback?
btw, i went to alanon like i said i would and the people who approached me after said that they have gone through the same when their A went into recovery. i still feel frustration so i guess this is where i am venting. if i tell my friends and family they would tell me to dump him so i dont go to them-it makes me feel isolated.
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I am not a fortune teller by any means but I swear the way he's acting and the way she is acting (the ex) it's like they are trying to work on things. He's sober and focusing on the kids and is dealing with her. He doesn't have to deal with her in recovery but for some reason he is chosing to do so.
I don't know why she is involved at all. There should be an arrangement where he see's his kids all by himself.......even if she has to sit in a car.
It's almost like by leaving you on the back burner he can use that as an excuse to say "we were apart" so he wanted to see what would happen with her and him.
She may want him sober. If she were over him she wouldn't be calling his phone p.o'd. Things are totally off here.
If I were you I would find someone else. It sounds like he's had you on a leash for a very long time and he's only getting better at his excuses.
Am I the only one that sees this?
I don't know why she is involved at all. There should be an arrangement where he see's his kids all by himself.......even if she has to sit in a car.
It's almost like by leaving you on the back burner he can use that as an excuse to say "we were apart" so he wanted to see what would happen with her and him.
She may want him sober. If she were over him she wouldn't be calling his phone p.o'd. Things are totally off here.
If I were you I would find someone else. It sounds like he's had you on a leash for a very long time and he's only getting better at his excuses.
Am I the only one that sees this?
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Originally Posted by spda
he wants space in order to get better but why does he dwell and dwell on the past. cant he fix the past and work a little on the future at the same time? it doesnt make sense to me???!! feedback?
I've wanted to go back and rewrite the past, but it can't be done. Yesterday is history. It's gone. Tomorrow is a mystery. It's not here yet. Today is a gift--that's why it's called the present.
In the Big Book, there's a chapter called The Family Afterward. I would recommend reading it.
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he wants space in order to get better but why does he dwell and dwell on the past. cant he fix the past and work a little on the future at the same time? it doesnt make sense to me???!! feedback?
That first year my emotions were all over the place. I was doing the best that I could at the given time. I was having a hard time even identifying what I was feeling from moment to moment, let alone trying to stretch myself out amongst family members/loved ones/my support system in AA.
I had to walk away from certain people in my life who were not willing to allow me to work my own recovery.
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thank you midas...these sentences from that chapter you sent blew me away...
"Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise."
all he talks about is ...work, work, work, kids, kids, kids (ex wife fighting him on seeing the kids and her anger), himself, himself, feeling like he's working himself hard, and going to the gym. he's flat broke. i have been paying for us when we are out. that really bothers his pride -he has told me on several occasions.
i decided to not call or text or email today and waited to see if he would. low and behold nonstop texts since 5pm going all night til 11pm just chit chatting. i have decided this weekend to bail town for a spa peace of mind retreat for me.which he thought was good but was confused that i was leaving town with a drop of a hat. what did he expect? he called tonight and told me how tired he felt because its work work work and how his ex is letting him see his kids- he gets to pick them up for the weekend. which is good for him and them to have time.i support that wholeheartedly always!
i think its my ego crushed the past few days because he says her name more than he has ever in our relationship. what bothers me is because he told me he couldnt focus on me and that makes me feel insecure. i feel hurt that he may consider me an added pressure when all i've done since discovering his disease is stand by him with support and love. i detached when he drank and listened when he cried and binged. i tried not to enable when he begged me to force him to stop, to save him...all i said was i will stand by you but your the one who has to do it. i will love you and be here. i was scared to death by this all!! but now to detach from our commitment/relationship is painful. he cant even say if we are broken up or still together. only that i am on the back burner. ugh!
on his last binge he just took off with nothing -no cell, no bag of clothes, nothing like he used to. normally, family and i could track him. last binge vanished. i was really scared he was gonna hurt himself because he verbally told me he wanted to die days before. no phone to even hear a drunken whimper. terrified! i wrote him letters telling him how scared, hurt, etc i was and that i wanted him to come home everyday that whole week. he said after he read them he felt responsible and didnt know if he could handle the rsponsibility of our relationship which now i look back is probably the cause of him distancing 2 weeks ago. He just didnt state my position until this week.
i am having a hard time that emotionally/physically he pushed me into the back burner. he said to me 2 weeks ago he cant stand how he hurt me on that binge. i get his fear now with that. but for me to hear another women's name who never mattered before in our relationship is hard to bear. she has a huge problem with me because he told her i was the love of his life and she said that wasnt fair he moved on- that he never pays the consequences and he ruined her life and she is suffering because she is supposed to have this, that and this by now and all she has is zero. she calls his family (sisters,brothers, father&mother) who besides my abf have told me this. she wants my number asking them for it!! i want no part with her unless i had to deal with the kids (which we chose to wait on mtg after a year-was supposed to meet kids this holiday). his family feel/stated she drove/drives him to drink. his last binge was after a visit with the kids. i think she really needs therapy and needs to get over hate and set new goals.
abf said again tonight when he called me that she is not his problem her dating woes and her issues are her own and that she has to fix it herself. he has to deal with his thing.. the kids. he listens to her because he feels part to blame for the past but cant do anything about it. if she is not well, it makes it worse for the kids so he says that he has to step into that with her. i dont have kids and i am not a divorcee so trying to understand it is sometimes frustrating. trust me i have fears with all this that she is trying to get him back now because she uses the kids as a manipulation tool. the other day their eldest called because my abf wasnt picking up her calls and the child said "can you please talk to mom?" another call was "she is upset over spda (me)" no 12 year old should be telling that to his dad. her doing all this scares me that he will drink. i pray only that he wont.
this is all so complicated...its sad. i wish i could break off. its hard when its the love of your life thing! we were BF/GF 15 years ago before ex wife & 1st child. we didnt stay together because i was really young. he is 10years older and wanted to marry. i didnt at 20. he said to me...i wish i had married you 15 years ago life would be differnt. shoulda woulda coulda-we're here now! ..instead exwife got pregnant and they married a year after we broke up. he began drinking two years into their marriage. he's been drinking for over a decade. binging alone the last 4 since they divorced.
i am so thankful he wants to stop and i pray makes a complete recovery. i love him. i am hurt i cant talk to him about any of this. instead i have this forum and alanon! thanks for all the responses and sorry this is like a long sordid novel. never in my life have i had to do this. please everyone keep your words coming because i am sure on a daily basis i will have some frustration with this situation and need to see other views. who knows as of today i am here in love, hurt, wanna be with him....tommorrow i may wanna say screw this and get out and never look back. i dont know. who knows what the heart wants which drives the mind to be irrational.
"Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise."
all he talks about is ...work, work, work, kids, kids, kids (ex wife fighting him on seeing the kids and her anger), himself, himself, feeling like he's working himself hard, and going to the gym. he's flat broke. i have been paying for us when we are out. that really bothers his pride -he has told me on several occasions.
i decided to not call or text or email today and waited to see if he would. low and behold nonstop texts since 5pm going all night til 11pm just chit chatting. i have decided this weekend to bail town for a spa peace of mind retreat for me.which he thought was good but was confused that i was leaving town with a drop of a hat. what did he expect? he called tonight and told me how tired he felt because its work work work and how his ex is letting him see his kids- he gets to pick them up for the weekend. which is good for him and them to have time.i support that wholeheartedly always!
i think its my ego crushed the past few days because he says her name more than he has ever in our relationship. what bothers me is because he told me he couldnt focus on me and that makes me feel insecure. i feel hurt that he may consider me an added pressure when all i've done since discovering his disease is stand by him with support and love. i detached when he drank and listened when he cried and binged. i tried not to enable when he begged me to force him to stop, to save him...all i said was i will stand by you but your the one who has to do it. i will love you and be here. i was scared to death by this all!! but now to detach from our commitment/relationship is painful. he cant even say if we are broken up or still together. only that i am on the back burner. ugh!
on his last binge he just took off with nothing -no cell, no bag of clothes, nothing like he used to. normally, family and i could track him. last binge vanished. i was really scared he was gonna hurt himself because he verbally told me he wanted to die days before. no phone to even hear a drunken whimper. terrified! i wrote him letters telling him how scared, hurt, etc i was and that i wanted him to come home everyday that whole week. he said after he read them he felt responsible and didnt know if he could handle the rsponsibility of our relationship which now i look back is probably the cause of him distancing 2 weeks ago. He just didnt state my position until this week.
i am having a hard time that emotionally/physically he pushed me into the back burner. he said to me 2 weeks ago he cant stand how he hurt me on that binge. i get his fear now with that. but for me to hear another women's name who never mattered before in our relationship is hard to bear. she has a huge problem with me because he told her i was the love of his life and she said that wasnt fair he moved on- that he never pays the consequences and he ruined her life and she is suffering because she is supposed to have this, that and this by now and all she has is zero. she calls his family (sisters,brothers, father&mother) who besides my abf have told me this. she wants my number asking them for it!! i want no part with her unless i had to deal with the kids (which we chose to wait on mtg after a year-was supposed to meet kids this holiday). his family feel/stated she drove/drives him to drink. his last binge was after a visit with the kids. i think she really needs therapy and needs to get over hate and set new goals.
abf said again tonight when he called me that she is not his problem her dating woes and her issues are her own and that she has to fix it herself. he has to deal with his thing.. the kids. he listens to her because he feels part to blame for the past but cant do anything about it. if she is not well, it makes it worse for the kids so he says that he has to step into that with her. i dont have kids and i am not a divorcee so trying to understand it is sometimes frustrating. trust me i have fears with all this that she is trying to get him back now because she uses the kids as a manipulation tool. the other day their eldest called because my abf wasnt picking up her calls and the child said "can you please talk to mom?" another call was "she is upset over spda (me)" no 12 year old should be telling that to his dad. her doing all this scares me that he will drink. i pray only that he wont.
this is all so complicated...its sad. i wish i could break off. its hard when its the love of your life thing! we were BF/GF 15 years ago before ex wife & 1st child. we didnt stay together because i was really young. he is 10years older and wanted to marry. i didnt at 20. he said to me...i wish i had married you 15 years ago life would be differnt. shoulda woulda coulda-we're here now! ..instead exwife got pregnant and they married a year after we broke up. he began drinking two years into their marriage. he's been drinking for over a decade. binging alone the last 4 since they divorced.
i am so thankful he wants to stop and i pray makes a complete recovery. i love him. i am hurt i cant talk to him about any of this. instead i have this forum and alanon! thanks for all the responses and sorry this is like a long sordid novel. never in my life have i had to do this. please everyone keep your words coming because i am sure on a daily basis i will have some frustration with this situation and need to see other views. who knows as of today i am here in love, hurt, wanna be with him....tommorrow i may wanna say screw this and get out and never look back. i dont know. who knows what the heart wants which drives the mind to be irrational.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
That first year my emotions were all over the place. I was doing the best that I could at the given time. I was having a hard time even identifying what I was feeling from moment to moment, let alone trying to stretch myself out amongst family members/loved ones/my support system in AA.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by spda
PS. i dont expect push or pull him, i only hope he will. all i want is where i have stood and our closeness to remain the same since day 1. how can i be the one pushed aside? i'm the good girl-love of his life as he told me from day one and now that he is sobering up i gotta go stand in line? doesnt make sense..is that fear?
control maybe?
I can really only respond from the viewpoint of the sober male on this whole dynamic, and for me, If I don't put my sobriety first I'm not really a very good boyfriend, so, ..... anyone I was seeing.....if they didn't want me to put my sobriety first...or wanted me to "rate" her above my sobriety, I would be baffled, and that would soon be followed by frustration, which in turn would turn to anger if I kept getting "pushed".
One of the biggest reasons I got sober in the first place was to be able to have a relationship and relationships with those around me, I don't know if that's the case for him, but early sobriety is a lot of work, it's exhausting, it's an emotional roller coaster, and for me, when I got sober just having some stability "behind" or "beside" me was a godsend.
How is your recovery going? how are you? (without mentioning him or the relationship in the answer)
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