Not Sure What My Boundaries Are...

Old 11-12-2008, 12:00 AM
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Not Sure What My Boundaries Are...

Ok, so my husband is in the military, soon to get out (3 months). The problem is now he drinks a lot in my eyes, I mean at least 2 forties of beer a night, at least 3/4 times a week. He has a high tolerance from being in the military for so long, and drinking so much over the years, however this is enough to give him at least a buzz and as I try to tell him "change who he is".
I grew up with an alcoholic father and as a result I'm worried that I may just be too hurt from him to view my husband's drinking objectively. We've been married for a year and a half now, are both still young, and we don't have any kids. His points are that we are still young and I shouldn't try to take his fun away, and that everyone else does the same as him (although they don't, not even close). I think he's just making excuses for himself, convincing himself.
The majority of the time when he drinks we end up in a fight, and I just don't want to live like this anymore. He knows how much it bothers me, yet still drinks. His claim is he's not perfect and neither am I (and I will admit my faults and am trying to work on them--cleaning)
Anyways, I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, however I don't like how much he drinks and what it is doing to my feelings and our relationship. I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know the best way to start the conversation, what to say, and where to draw the line. I don't want to be unfair and tell him he can't drink anymore, but I'm not sure if I need to draw that harsh line in order to solve our problems.
Any help/advice?
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:26 AM
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I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, however I don't like how much he drinks and what it is doing to my feelings and our relationship.
So whether the label "alcoholic" is accepted by him or not YOU are unhappy with his drinking. Trust yourself.

He knows how much it bothers me, yet still drinks.
In a healthy relationship it is never unfair to ask something of your partner if something is bothering you. Rational adults then talk it out - sometimes one or the other has an A-Ha moment and realizes they need to change - sometimes both people come to a compromise. It involves honesty and acceptance. And our partner's actions tell us ALL we need to know.

He is still in a place where he says he doesn't have a problem. Over the years that often progresses to the "I know I have a problem" stage but they still don't stop drinking. It may even get to the "I need you, you're the only one who believes in me" stage but still they continue to drink. So - not very healthy right? Try to imagine what years of this behavior in your romantic partner will do to YOU!!!

I've found I have to accept what people actually "show" me - behavior only and not "talk."

Can you accept him just the way he is, right now, today?

His points are that we are still young and I shouldn't try to take his fun away, and that everyone else does the same as him
He doesn't sound like HE has a problem with his drinking at all. In fact he sounds EXACTLY like my alcoholic brothers did in the early stages of their drinking careers. Denial, denial, denial, and a raft of excuses for their drinking that from the outside simply were not true!!

I think he's just making excuses for himself, convincing himself.
I believe YOU!!! You are spot-on here!!!! Trust yourself.

I'm not sure if I need to draw that harsh line in order to solve our problems.
Sadly justme, you can draw all the lines in the sand you want it will not make a darn bit of difference. Believe it. Read around here on SR and educate yourself about alcoholism. There is nothing you can do or say to "make" him stop. Nothing. In fact, you can end up making yourself very very sick in the head and lose yourself if you continue to believe you can change him, or that things will be awesome when he finally stops drinking!

He is an adult and he is making his choices VERY CLEAR. You can only accept what he is showing you and decide what YOUR choices are.

You mention your father was an alcoholic - mine was too. I went on to recreate the same sick dynamic of my parents marriage with my now ExH. AlAnon set me on a path of changing my habits of mind so I could break the patterns I was so locked into following. Can you try AlAnon?

Keep posting! And reading around SR, lots of great info here.
Peace-
B.
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Old 11-12-2008, 07:26 AM
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I grew up with an alcoholic father and as a result I'm worried that I may just be too hurt from him to view my husband's drinking objectively.
You know, that's a huge awareness in itself!

There is a long line of alcoholism/addiction on both sides of my family. My father is an adult child of two alcoholics, and my mother had alcoholic siblings.

Even though neither of my parents drank/drink, all the rest of the family dynamics from alcoholism were/are there.

I had no concept of boundaries when I left home because there were none.

My codependency and alcoholism were always intertwined, and when I finally got sober, I refused to address my codependency issues, and still had no boundaries and sold myself horribly short in relationships.

It took what turned out to be a 'too good to be true' engagement to a dry drunk, and the subsequent loss of that relationship when he flat walked out on us for me to hit my codependent bottom.

I have two ADs, the oldest one is no longer welcome in my home. I gave her a chance to start her life over after a lengthy jail sentence, and in less than 30 days, she had broken every rule I had set in place (looking for a job, not bringing alcohol into the house, etc).

She is no longer welcome in my home. My youngest AD, now 20, lives with me, and my home is an alcohol free zone. She is a binge drinker, and can go months without popping off, but during those times she engages in typical codependent behavior by getting involved with unhealthy men. She does not come home when she's been drinking, but will spend the night elsewhere.

Alanon has been a tremendous help for me in focusing on myself, working on my codependency issues, and learning to establish healthy boundaries for myself.

I just know for me, I can not have active drinking in my home, nor will I be disrespected.
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Old 11-12-2008, 08:42 AM
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Welcome to SR. You have received some good replies and I can't share beyond what has been written. I attend Al-Anon and can't imagine how my life would be without it.
I suggest you take a look at our sticky threads, especially the reading material. A good place to learn about boundary setting is the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
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