The D Word
 

It's been a long time since I posted here. I now wish that I had resolved to do then what I have resolved to do now.

I think I'm absolutely insane given the number of chances I've given her and the times I've thought about doing this....or even started but then backed off. Somehow I couldn't just bring myself to it.

I hope this time I'll have the strength to carry through.

My AW and I have been married for 7 years. We have a 6 year old son with mild autism. When I met my wife, she had 7 years of sobriety and seemed very strong in her sobriety.... she could have alcohol in the house, be around people who were drinking... didn't phase her in the least.

That all changed 5 years ago when she started drinking. It's been a nightmare roller-coaster ride ever since then. My life savings are nearly exhausted..... my sanity is frayed and I won't even talk about my emotions.
Thank god my son has been spared alot of this.....as he doesn't fully understand whats going on with his mom... just that she acts crazy sometimes.

I tried putting her through rehab.... it failed miserably.

I tried Mediation with her..... it was a colossal waste.

I'm finally ready for divorce...I'm speaking to the lawyer on Thursday.

I'm scared as heck about the next few months of my life.....and about being a single parent of an autistic child.

I thought about staying....whether it would be easier to raise our son...even if she were still drinking..... but I know that's just a pipe-dream on my part. The simple fact of the matter is that the times she has been away (rehab, mental health evaluation).... life was MUCH easier in many ways....although it certainly was scary.

Some-one please tell me there is a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel!

None of us knows how life will pan out but yours will probably be far more peaceful. :Val004:

Leaving my alcoholic boyfriend was the best decision I've ever made. My life improved dramatically. I should have done it years ago. I just wanted to chime in that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I got to the point where anything was better than the life I had, so that was light enough for me.

The scary stuff that I've had to do so far -
the "I want to separate" speech that I had to write down on tear-soaked paper and shakingly read,
the phone calls I've had to make to lawyers and family and school,
the appointments that I've had to set up with counselors,
the Al-Anon meetings I had to swallow my pride and walk into -
have all made my life better.

Not a little better. A lot better.

It's hard to go outside our comfort zone - to change things up.
Trust your gut, GrumpyMel. If you're doing what seems to be in your best interest, just keep doing it.

Know that, hard as it gets, tough as it feels, it will get better.

I'm glad you're here. Keep posting!
-TC

Ask for help. It was hard but that's what I did. I was scared too...at least you don't have giant man fingers and have to do a poney every day. I tell you...that's fear.

My dd's 7 and I'm 56...but I'm sort of sane and at least I'm sober.

If you are logged on and click on our names you can read our stories. I learned that from JanetW!

Also read the stickies athe top of the page. Learn everything you can about alcoholism. I guarentee you I was the expert in the room at my custody trials...both of them. You must tell the truth about your wifes drinking under oath. If you expect them to believe you.....you must also tell the truth on yourself.

I looked at like it was time to protect my kid, not my adult AW.

God be with you and your son. You are finally a man, and you make me proud! :You_Rock_

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug3
Coyote

The simple fact of the matter is that the times she has been away (rehab, mental health evaluation).... life was MUCH easier in many ways....although it certainly was scary.

That's God testing you....making sure you can do it. He did that to me too!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug3

Coyote21

P.S. I believe your Hp is gonna take FINE care of you and DS. He does us.

GrumpyMel, I'm right there with you. Married 16 years and AW for the last 5 years. 15 year old son at home an an 18 year old away at college. I've done the same as you, try again, inpatient, outpatient, therapy, AA and nothing changes. I decided for a Divorce after an August relapse and she was at the hospital toady with her Mom detoxing. She blew a .40 BAC. I know she'll blame this latest on me because I've mad the decision to divorce. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and and I didn't cause it. Stick to your guns and keep posting. I could use the support as well from someone close to my situation!

When I made the decision to divorce, it allowed me to really detach... which has taken a huge amount of stress off me. It also allowed me to dream about MY future, a good future that I could accomplish depending on no one but me. Very empowering.

Trust yourself. Listen to yourself. And then reach down to the bottom of your boots and find the strength - that you clearly have - to discover the other/better life that is out there for you and your son.

As a another guy on these forums, I can relate. The AW went to detox, and then refused to work a program. She is now back to where she started from, and its slowly driving me crazy. I just want the courage and the faith to go forward with my life. This is a change that will affect me in so many ways. Guys, if you need someone to talk to that understands, just send me a pm and I'll be more than happy to talk. God knows I need someone to talk to that understands.

Redd

hi grumpy-
you will be fine!!
i am in the same general boat-20 year old son in college, 16 year old son at home, 51 year old AH who i've been with for 30 years.
did all the above--detox, rehab, hospital, etc.etc.ad nauseum.
finally, it is enough and i am done.
sounds like you are there too.
just keep your focus on the light- you will reach it, with your child at your side.
many hugs to you, and prayers coming your way!

Maybe the toughest part
 

Thanks for the support all. I talked to work today, and they were very supportive which was a big relief. It's a small company and I've been with them since pretty much the begining, so I felt safe enough to broach it. Still I was very nervous, and wasn't 100 percent sure how it would go... went alot better then I thought.

I came home tonight and the wife was sober. Not remorseful, just sad and very depressed. Civil though. This is where I've always gotten myself in trouble in the past. Part of me just wants to reach out and hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok. That's the protective streak I guess. Part of me tries to rationalize and think that "Well if things could just keep going on like they are tonight, that wouldn't be so bad...maybe I could do this... maybe we could make it". That's the most dangerous part for me, I think, not when the AW is drunk and raving...if she were like that ALL the time... it'd be alot easier in many ways as there would be no second guessing. You'd KNOW what you had to do. The big step wouldn't seem so drastic with that staring you in the face.

It's when they are sober and you see little hints of the person you married that things become difficult. This time I'm not going to let myself fool me out of it. I know that if she is sober for day or a week, the next episode is only a heartbeat away. That's what I have to keep telling myself. Maybe it'd be different if it was a year (not even sure if I'd let myself in for it even then)... but this, no way. This pattern has repeated too many times. This time I'm not going to waver.