if a tree falls in the forest...

Old 11-11-2008, 09:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
if a tree falls in the forest...

Hey all,

Sometimes there is nothing to do but complain, and I think this is one of those situations.

My ex has, evidently, been telling everyone that I abused him.

I say there is nothing to do but complain, because I am no longer in contact with him, and I know it doesn't really matter. It's not important, really.

But it is so frustrating!

My ex had a real hold on me, for a long time, despite the way that he treated me. And one of the reasons I kept returning to him, and kept him close, was that he was so good at playing the victim. I see that as manipulation now, but at the time I really believed that he had a rougher go of it than me.

He kept me close by calling me up crying. Threatening suicide. Saying he was a horrible person, and he wanted to change. That I was the only one who ever supported him. That he loved me, and didn't deserve me.

Now, months of no contact and a new girlfriend later, I am something to cry to other people about.

It just seems so fundamentally unfair. I have long given up the notion that I would be seen, by him, as anything that resembles the real me. But to have people I have never met angry with me? When he is the one that was abusive towards me? Sweet heaven, this is too much.

I have a nice little world that is all my own, that he cannot touch. I am happy, and glad to be away from his awfulness. I know these things, and I know that I do not care what a sick man thinks of me.

I am posting this, I guess, to look for some insight. Or comraderie? Has this happened to you? Is it weird?

And I guess I am also posting this so that people can see that there really isn't anything you can do to have a nice ending sometimes. That it isn't about you, or reality. Sometimes it just goes on and on, and you just have to walk away from the carnival ride and let it keep spinning on its own.

Thanks everyone. I feel better for having written this out.
good_luck is offline  
Old 11-11-2008, 09:47 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by good_luck View Post
Has this happened to you?
Yes


Is it weird?
Yes, and sick.

Thanks everyone. I feel better for having written this out.
I love how that works:bounce
denny57 is offline  
Old 11-11-2008, 11:38 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Trying to find a path
 
sslusser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
My AW tells our (read hers) friends that she had to kick me out because I was abusive.

It is frustrating. My very wise mother asked me why I cared that a bunch of drunks think I was abusive.
sslusser is offline  
Old 11-11-2008, 12:35 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sick is right.

And yes, it happened to me.

And I had to keep remembering the great line I learned on this forum: What other people think of me is none of my business.

In two cases, I cared enough about maintaining a friendship with the people who were lied to to talk to them and explain they'd been told lies.

In all the other instances I figured, if they choose to believe it despite what they know about me and my character, then I have little use for that kind of person in my life anyway.

Hugs, good_luck -- we believe in you, and we KNOW how terrific you are.

GL
GiveLove is offline  
Old 11-11-2008, 01:06 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Ago
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
been there done that got the T-shirt ended up a raving lunatic.

I was looking at my old posts today and found one from a few months ago right after I had broke up with my ex describing how I didn't miss her but was going insane from the very same issues, I was obsessed with the idea that she was telling people how I had "abused" her and was obsessed with the idea that she needed to "see my point of view", and was telling anybody who would listen (which began dwindling after some months which is why I found this website) what she was "doing" to me.

They already knew.

They had been advising me for a year to stop going back.

They were sick to death of me whining about it.

Nobody believed her "stories" that either really knew me or was present in the relationship and knew us, but I have to tell you people got sick to F'ing death of me going back to her over and over and then reeling back out of the relationship within a month or two just reeling, obsessed and insane, describing yet again "what she had done to me"

They explained at that point, "she hadn't "done" anything to me, I was "doing it to myself" by going back again and again and again. At some point I had to take some personal responsibility for my own actions.

As in Despairs Case, the only people she got to "buy her product" were some people in the program where she went "answer shopping" until she found some people who would "be supportive". Anyone who actually "pulled her covers" was considered "abusive" and "not supportive" as well. The women I had introduced her to with long and strong sobriety lasted about a week with her because they started asking her "the hard questions" and started making "you are in fact accountable for your own actions" kind of noises.

She ran from them faster then the Road Runner from Wile E Coyote on those old cartoons. Beepbeep ->poof<-

When I had left she had even found a little old man to sponsor her in AA......

Today, I'm in a place of "God bless her, God bless her far away from me, but God bless her" and I really truly hope she finds and gets healing.

She, like myself, was/is a very sick person, and she too is a child of God and deserves nothing but the best of what the World has to offer in the way of mental health, healing, recovery, and Love, and I truly hopes she finds it, I just can't be part of that process in any way shape or form as when I do get involved, phoop, there I go again, I slip my leash and go crashing into mental "illness" (the opposite of mental health, not psycho mind you)

So for me, it was part of the process, but I sure was glad it ended, and pray I never go "there" again, it made me walk funny.
Ago is offline  
Old 11-11-2008, 01:11 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
freeflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
After years of begging him to get help, and sticking with him, of helping pay for dui's, super high risk insurance, telling him I wanted out months before I left, saving my own money to do so, asking him to leave, taking all my bills and not asking for one cent in our 29 year marrage, he still tells people that I left him with all the bills etc!!! For 21 years of our marrage, I worked in a factory so we could have good insurance and a weekly check, he had his "own" business and bartended. I raised our 3 children practically alone and kept the house up, did all the special celebrations alone and also had to sometimes rob peter to pay paul but........I left him with all the bills!!!!!!!Totally PIS*&^%&^%'s me off! AHH I feel better now too!
freeflower is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:22 AM.