Hubby Starting 1st Detox Sunday (long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
Hubby Starting 1st Detox Sunday (long)
Hi -
After quite some time of working toward it (too many details to go into) hubby is finally ready to turn his life around and will be starting detox Sunday - for himself and not me according to him.
Background: We have been married 8 yrs (no kids) and together a lot longer than that. Heavy drinking started for him while having career problems 5 yrs. ago and became a constant thing when he was laid off (along with almost everyone else in town in his industry) almost 3 years ago. I have been dealing with him in evey way I could come up with since then. For the last week, I have been reading everything I could get my hands on, both here and elsewhere on the web. Between the co-dependency and enabling definitions I have been reading about, I have obviously not been helping (either him or me)!
I have so many questions for you who have been through this, but for now just the 3 most urgent ones on my mind -
How often does detox and the counseling he will receive really stick after he get's back home? He will still not have a job and nothing to do all day and I will be at work with no way to keep an eye on him (I know - that's not my responsibility but...). More specifically - what do I do if (I'm trying to stay positive here and not say when) I catch him drinking - how do I react to do the least damage to his state of mind and sobriety?
Is the depression and guilt (over the lack of a job among other things) that had him "paralized" going to get better when he isn't drinking or is it a completely separate issue?
Lastly - is the beginning of a new life for both of us just a couple of weeks away or am I seriously deluding myself? I realize it will be a lifelong process - but just how much immediate change should I expect?
I know from my reading that I am supposed to detach and let him handle his problem, however pretty much all the problems in my life stem from his so I have a real complusion to try and solve them (in addition to the fact that he's not a strong person by nature and I am). Before the alcohol problem started, he was a great guy and we were good together - just want that guy and that life back again!!!
Enough for now - thanks in advance for any guidence you can offer. I have a copy of "Getting Them Sober" on hold at the library and will read it as soon as it is in.
... and I know - go to an Al-Anon meeting
After quite some time of working toward it (too many details to go into) hubby is finally ready to turn his life around and will be starting detox Sunday - for himself and not me according to him.
Background: We have been married 8 yrs (no kids) and together a lot longer than that. Heavy drinking started for him while having career problems 5 yrs. ago and became a constant thing when he was laid off (along with almost everyone else in town in his industry) almost 3 years ago. I have been dealing with him in evey way I could come up with since then. For the last week, I have been reading everything I could get my hands on, both here and elsewhere on the web. Between the co-dependency and enabling definitions I have been reading about, I have obviously not been helping (either him or me)!
I have so many questions for you who have been through this, but for now just the 3 most urgent ones on my mind -
How often does detox and the counseling he will receive really stick after he get's back home? He will still not have a job and nothing to do all day and I will be at work with no way to keep an eye on him (I know - that's not my responsibility but...). More specifically - what do I do if (I'm trying to stay positive here and not say when) I catch him drinking - how do I react to do the least damage to his state of mind and sobriety?
Is the depression and guilt (over the lack of a job among other things) that had him "paralized" going to get better when he isn't drinking or is it a completely separate issue?
Lastly - is the beginning of a new life for both of us just a couple of weeks away or am I seriously deluding myself? I realize it will be a lifelong process - but just how much immediate change should I expect?
I know from my reading that I am supposed to detach and let him handle his problem, however pretty much all the problems in my life stem from his so I have a real complusion to try and solve them (in addition to the fact that he's not a strong person by nature and I am). Before the alcohol problem started, he was a great guy and we were good together - just want that guy and that life back again!!!
Enough for now - thanks in advance for any guidence you can offer. I have a copy of "Getting Them Sober" on hold at the library and will read it as soon as it is in.
... and I know - go to an Al-Anon meeting
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Looking.
Woof! You brain is twirling about 90 mph, huh?
Support after rehab is an issue they should address when he is in treatment. There's not much use looking at statistics of how many make it on the first round. Your husband is not a statistic. It's totally up to him.
Most people who are addicted to substances get there because of some emotional issue. His counseling may address that and if not, they should be able to recommend counseling that will.
The beginning of your new life as a couple doesn't even have to be weeks away. It can start today, as you start to let go of your urges to help him fix himself. Let the responsibility for his recovery rest on him. That's new, isn't it? There is so much more to restoring a relationship than just getting the alcohol out of the picture. But you don't have to wait for him to be all cleaned up to start. His getting clean is not all of the picture... it will take work from both of you. And the first few months he's sober he may be cranky or unfocused. That's why you need a program for yourself. It takes as long as it takes. People are different. But it will be easier on you if you keep your expectations a bit on the low side. Then if he turns into Mr. Perfect almost immediately it will be a nice surprise.
Hugs!
Smoke
Woof! You brain is twirling about 90 mph, huh?
Support after rehab is an issue they should address when he is in treatment. There's not much use looking at statistics of how many make it on the first round. Your husband is not a statistic. It's totally up to him.
Most people who are addicted to substances get there because of some emotional issue. His counseling may address that and if not, they should be able to recommend counseling that will.
The beginning of your new life as a couple doesn't even have to be weeks away. It can start today, as you start to let go of your urges to help him fix himself. Let the responsibility for his recovery rest on him. That's new, isn't it? There is so much more to restoring a relationship than just getting the alcohol out of the picture. But you don't have to wait for him to be all cleaned up to start. His getting clean is not all of the picture... it will take work from both of you. And the first few months he's sober he may be cranky or unfocused. That's why you need a program for yourself. It takes as long as it takes. People are different. But it will be easier on you if you keep your expectations a bit on the low side. Then if he turns into Mr. Perfect almost immediately it will be a nice surprise.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
Thanks for the thoughful reply Smoke!
Yup - 90+MPH (I've had months to be thinking about this)!
Had to delay one day (he can't stand to waste / dump booze so he insists on being "out" before starting) - is going in this evening.
Thanks
Yup - 90+MPH (I've had months to be thinking about this)!
Had to delay one day (he can't stand to waste / dump booze so he insists on being "out" before starting) - is going in this evening.
Thanks
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hello Lookin
we dont have to tackle everything all at once.One day at a time, small steps in the right direction , focusing on ourself. Part of my problem was trying to solve the whirlwinds around me and I got caught up in it ! I also saw myself as a strong person but somethings (like alcohol) are just too big to handle.
so...we let go and we begin to let our Higher Power handle it.
It becomes a very freeing feeling-not being responsible for what others are doing.
Check out an alanon meeting,it only takes a couple of meetings to know that it offers a new way of thinking about our life and how we are living it.
Be easy on yourself right now and do something good for you,he'll be alright-you can use the rest !
Hugs
liddy
we dont have to tackle everything all at once.One day at a time, small steps in the right direction , focusing on ourself. Part of my problem was trying to solve the whirlwinds around me and I got caught up in it ! I also saw myself as a strong person but somethings (like alcohol) are just too big to handle.
so...we let go and we begin to let our Higher Power handle it.
It becomes a very freeing feeling-not being responsible for what others are doing.
Check out an alanon meeting,it only takes a couple of meetings to know that it offers a new way of thinking about our life and how we are living it.
Be easy on yourself right now and do something good for you,he'll be alright-you can use the rest !
Hugs
liddy
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