Red Flag or Just Me?

Old 11-11-2008, 03:14 AM
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Red Flag or Just Me?

Hi everyone, well things have been going really well here. I've maintained my no contact and have been working on me steadily now for months.

So, here is my latest development that I'd like to share and get some input. I met a man, last week, we've been talking for hours on the phone each night and really enjoy his company. He is a widower, has a lovely family that are very close (healthy relations, no A or drugs), financially independent, owns his own home, great sense of humour, caring and considerate.

We had dinner the other night and he came across a bit strong in the "physical" side, I was ok with cuddling on the couch but didn't want to get into a heavy necking situation. I explained this to him and he stopped immediately, apologized, said absolutely no problem, he understood where I was coming from, understood the hurt/pain that I went thru with my XAH and would not pressure me. He was a gentleman about it 100%. So I'm good with this and thinking ok he respects me, I was clear on communicating what I wanted and felt good about being to express these thoughts.

We were talking on the phone last night and I made a totally innocent comment about sleeping in the nude now that I have an electric blanket. Didn't go any further both of us just kept chatting.

This morning I get my morning email from him and this is part of it:

Thoughts of you, well now you naughty girl, giving me visions of you crawling naked into that warm bed, shall I tell you what we did together last night,,,,
Or did you dream to?
I will if you tell me I can, naughty and nice thing where sent your way last night.

I think he is asking me in a roundabout way to start writing about sex stuff. I'm definitely not ready for any of that stuff, I have (had in the long past) a healthy attitude towards sex and see nothing wrong with stuff like that. But, I'm not ready for any of that now, hell I wasn't comfortable with a french kiss and now this. Am I over reacting here? I'm not sure what my inner voice is really saying. Half of me is yelling run run run away and other is yelling take some time to think about this. Now I'm confused.

Thoughts from you all would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:20 AM
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To me it's a red flag. He seems very pushy in the fact that you don't want to get into having sex with him, but he seems to be trying to push you into it in a round about way. And you've only known him a week! Red flag because he is not respecting your boundries already and remember: Actions speak lounder then words.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:27 AM
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I'm going to have to respond from "his" side, as a male, as that's what I am and what I have experience with.

If I were him, and I heard you talk about "sleeping in the nude" it's quite possible my mind would have "slipped it's leash" as well, it's happened before in the past, where I have interest in someone, and my interest is "on the table" and they make, to them, an innocent remark but one that gets my wheels turning such as nudity in bed or gee CIS was good last night and my mind is GONE phoop and the next thing you know I am penning an email just like that one (edit; OK I reread his email...maybe not quite so "heavy petting"ish this early and I have delusions of taste, comportment and decorum but still....).

In the past I have done just that, and I have REALLY appreciated an email that's just states "how you feel" as in I am not comfortable or ready for this, basically just state what you stated in this post without explaining yourself too much or apologizing. State your truth and move on.

I can't convey what a relief it is to have someone be honest and forthright in a situation like this, from what you said about how he behaved when you asked him to stop with the necking
I explained this to him and he stopped immediately, apologized, said absolutely no problem, he understood where I was coming from, understood the hurt/pain that I went thru with my XAH and would not pressure me. He was a gentleman about it 100%
leads me to believe he will continue to respect your boundaries.

For me, when I was dealt with in a respectful manner in a similar situation it only made me have more respect for that person.

I don't think he is "asking you in a roundabout way to start writing about sex stuff" so much as his mind just "went there" when you talked about sleeping nude and he is writing about sex stuff. Men just that subtle generally speaking, we are more like great dumb dogs when it comes to sex.

Something someone once said comes to mind, "If I tell the truth it's no longer my problem". If after setting this boundary he continues to assail it, it's time to reassess IMO, as then he is "just after one thing" and has no interest "being your friend".

just my .02 along with some similar experiences, I hope that was helpful

Last edited by Ago; 11-11-2008 at 03:43 AM.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:39 AM
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I understand your concerns here. I think we would all agree that men and women treat sex completely different. I would think that he has taken your remark about sleeping naked as an open door to begin sex chat with you.

In my experience, men react to the mention of nudity or any reference to your naked self as a come on.

So I think there has been a crossed communication. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt I would say that he respected you when you asked for a slow down on the physical side of things, but when you mentioned your sleeping habits, his mind has gone to that place and he has thought to himself ''well she is telling me about her being naked, she must be interested'' and thought it was alright with you to have phone/email sex.

Guys see you talking about yourself naked as a tease. You think your just mentioning that your quilt makes you very hot so you have to sleep naked. For a sexually interested male this brings on images, and if you mention you get hot, well there's a whole innuendo right there! I believe he thinks you have intiated sex chatting.

No problem though! just reply and tell him you didn't mean to give him the wrong impression by saying what you did and there has been a misunderstanding, you don't wish for any phone/email sex!

I think it's all innocent cross wires IMO

Good luck to you!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:23 AM
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(I can't think of a polite way to say this, so I'm just going to say it.) He seems to be a bit horny and you are not. He also seems to like to be the initiator. These are not bad things, especially if you don't like being turned down. However you may be a little more laid back about sex/kissing/etc and his actions may turn you off. I wouldn't call it a red flag per se, but you may have mis-matched libidos. He has already shown that he respected your boundaries once.

If you like spending time with him, I might say "I think I lead you on the other day. I'm new to the dating thing, and I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not ready for phone or email sex." Then you might make a deal where you are the initiator for "new stuff", just to keep it from happening again. If he gets mad or ignores the boundary, THAT'S a red flag.
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:35 AM
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Or next time you talk to him, maybe say you have to sleep nude because at night, you sweat like a fricken pig....ya know hormones. Sorry this was probably as inappropriate as his email. I would say this is a red flagg, especially if you are not ready for it. I think people in knew relationships need to put some stuff out on the table right away...boundrys..yes
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:58 AM
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I guess I will have to agree with ago. Guys do think differently then women, so I wasn't thinking about it from that perspective. Maybe he did think you were ready for sex talk because you mentioned sleeping naked. Just be clear of your boundries and take your time in a new relationship. Then, if he does not respect your boundries it is a huge red flag.
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:15 AM
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Here's what I believe:

MEN NEED SEX TO FEEL EMOTIONS AND WOMAN NEED EMOTIONS TO FEEL SEXUAL

You did initiate the conversation by mentioning sleeping in the nude. I personally would not have said that to a man I've only known a week unless I was wanting him to think of me in that way.
I think what he did was normal.
If you two like each other I don't see the big deal of being two adults and having fun.
But if you are not ready for any sex talk or touching then you need to be straight forward and tell him. That means.....you do not mention it either. Not even in the slightest.
This poor man has cobwebs. Can you blame him?
Be flattered and maybe keep it innocent and playful. Let him know not to be rude or distasteful. Sounds cute and innocent to me.

My mother is a prude and she's probably missed out on a lot of good men just because she was never comfortable enough to explore herself sexually. Not saying thats you but don't shut yourself off. You are a woman........lets hear you ROAR!!!! hehehe
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:00 AM
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In my experience, men react to the mention of nudity or any reference to your naked self as a come on.
Or the wind blowing or the sun coming up. As a man, this would lead me to believe you were interested in that way. Our brains are wired differently than yours. Once you said "naked" tat was probably the last thing he heard!

I think that he respected your boundaries then later it seemed like you crack the door just a bit for him. As a man, he had to see if that door was cracked for him or just left ajar accidentally.

Give him a chance to respect the boundaries again.
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
Or the wind blowing or the sun coming up. As a man, this would lead me to believe you were interested in that way. Our brains are wired differently than yours. Once you said "naked" tat was probably the last thing he heard!
This is what I was going to say LOL. Most guys I know would hear the word "naked" and all the blood would leave their brain right then and there!
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:11 AM
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I'd give him another chance, too, kingston. I'm not even a guy, but if someone mentioned sleeping in the nude, I might (might) interpret that as an invitation to begin conversing about sex.

Are you comfortable enough to tell him how you feel? To be honest without blaming? I look at all events like this as opportunities to figure things out and open up ALL the channels of communication, if we have the courage. If he continues to pressure, you'll know your answer and can go on your merry way.
No problemo.

Just my two cents' He sounds like a sweet man who reacted improperly to what he thought were signals from you.
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:18 AM
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Kingston,

Not a red flag, but an opportunity...

I think this is totally a gender thing. At least, that's what I think at this point. I would be totally honest with him - just like you were in person. If he responds now as he did then, you both will have done something really good for your relationship. (true intimacy! wow - what a concept!) If he doesn't respond well, that's good info for you.

I'd give him a pass on being clumsy and give him the chance to reconnect with you in a way that feels comfortable to both of you.

Good luck and awesome move on your part to give yourself some time to think/ask & respond well!

TH
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:48 AM
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Thanks everyone for your great sharing and input, I really appreciate it. I sent off this email to him:

I think we have had a cross communication. I asked you to slow down on the physical side of things, which you respected and when I mentioned my sleeping habits your mind conjured up visions of this, all pretty normal. And perhaps you thought it was ok to have phone/email sex talk, again normal in my books – I'm just not ready for that yet.

I have trust issues and it's my problem, I'm working on resolving it. Like everything else it takes time and I'm not prepared to jeopardize my emotional health and well being. I'm not a frigid cold Victorian woman but I am a woman who has been severely hurt and needs time to develop trust in a relationship, especially the physical side. I'm not a woman to jump into bed or anything like that after such a short period of time, we have known each less than one week. My ex did a huge emotional number on my head and heart. Am I mending yes most definitely, am I totally "fixed" no, how long will it take, don't know, as long as it takes I guess.

I really enjoy your company, I find you physically attractive, you
make me laugh, I think we have lots in common. I know you really want
the physical side of a relationship, I do too but the time has to be
right. And that time isn't right now. I'm not sure what I'm feeling
right now. I do have to get back to work though, I have far too much
on my plate this morning so I'll put this aside to later in the day.

So, we'll see, thanks again everyone!
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:07 AM
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I really enjoy your company, I find you physically attractive, you
make me laugh, I think we have lots in common. I know you really want
the physical side of a relationship, I do too but the time has to be
right. And that time isn't right now
that would have left the door open for me a little bit as well given me hope, is that what you want? Do you want him to just "slow down" a bit or "back off" entirely

That says to me the time may be right eventually if I keep coming around, which is fine, I'm just asking for clarification.

I get a mixed message, but once again I'm a male, i need stuff CLEAR and succinct, ex; Come closer, Go away, prepare to stand by, let's just be friends, are all clear enough, I don't know is also a perfectly acceptable thing to say, I don't know but in the meantime keep yer greasy meathooks to yourself is also acceptable.

I'm not saying you did anything "wrong" by the way, I'm just giving you my first impression as a single man.

Last edited by Ago; 11-11-2008 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:12 AM
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If it were me, I would appreciate the straight, no BS email you sent.

P.S. Way to take care of yourself!
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:18 AM
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What I am saying is to slow down with the physical stuff, give both of us some time to get to know each other.

First time for me to ask for the things that I need and not be "afraid" of the outcome. I HAVE to take care of myself now and be aware of my needs. If I can't be honest at this stage of a relationship, wow I'd be in the same mess that I was in with my X - and I'm never going down that road again.

Thanks again, K.
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:24 AM
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OK, that is exactly what I got, thank you for clarifying that.

I was just stating that I felt you "left the door open" a bit for "his" future prospects and I wanted to make sure that's what you in fact wanted to say.
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:36 AM
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Terrific email, Kingston!
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:37 AM
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I think the red flag may be one you are carrying, not him. If you're not ready, you're not. Are you having thoughts in that direction?

It seems you were able to tell him what you wanted the first time. So how about another honest, direct conversation?

Good luck!
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:29 PM
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Hi Kingston...

Dropping you a line from North Carolina...and boy, I wish I had an electric blanket.

Quite honestly, since you asked...I see it as a red flag. To me, he seems to be pushy. I certainly would not write such a thing in an email, even if I was ready for more action. If he is wanting an emotionally healthy relationship, I would think he would want to get to know you first rather than making references to jumping in the sack. I have met alot of guys who show restrain even when a woman is driving them crazy. This is my opinion. Question is, how do you feel about it? Perhaps if you are asking, you already know? JMHO...hugs and love!
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