My Mother is dead

Old 11-10-2008, 09:31 PM
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My Mother is dead

Hello,

I happened to stumble upon this site because I typed the words "My Mother died of Alcoholism" into the Google browser. I'm at so much of a loss that I expect Google to find some answers for me. Ha.

My Mother has been dead now for 13 years, since just after my 14th birthday. I never saw her dead body. We never had a funeral. She was cremated and my family opted to not receive her ashes. My Mother vanished, and 13 years later I am still trying to make sense of it.

All I know about my Mother is that her Father sexually abused her, and her Mother (the woman who raised me) has always been a vehement denier of this fact. I believe my Mother, even though I know she lied about many, many things. I believe her because she went on to molest me and my sisters, and my Grandmother and Father have never believed me. Needless to say, I come from a long line of denial, enabling and codependence.

My Mother married several times. Somewhere in between husbands she found my Father who was already married and had a son; I was their love child. So, because my Mother was a chronic alcoholic and my Father already had a wife and family, my parents legally gave up custody of my two sisters and I to the state of California. Unfortunately, my sisters remained in the custody of our Grandmother, and we endured years of terrible sexual abuse, neglect, and violence.

Because we were still in custody of a family member, even though my Mother was court ordered to stay away from my sisters and I, she came around very often, and sometimes lived with us (why my Grandmother let her stay is beyond me...codependence, I know...but really...). She was always VERY drunk. I remember her running over one of her boyfriends with her car, trying to stab my Grandmother with scissors, and attempting to kill my sister (who was then 5 or 6) with a kitchen knife. Once when I was 13 she tried to quit drinking and during detox she guzzled Isopropyl Alcohol and had several Grand Mal seizures, during which I was her sole care giver.

In all honesty, when she died, I was relieved. I was finally granted permission to be a kid, and to not be in constant worry over where my mom was, what she was getting herself into, and what she might subject me to next.

Obviously, over the years I've been able to get in touch with my deep grief over having lost my Mother. The cycle of abuse is very vicious---I have had to work very hard to heal myself so that I don't become an alcoholic or an aggressive person. It is our responsibility to seek help and heal ourselves and to protect our children.

I know that alcoholism is a disease, and that my Mother was also chronically depressed and probably bipolar. But, I believe that all of those things are completely treatable. I believe that her treatments failed her, not that she failed them. I believe that she wasn't offered adequate resources in the early stages of her disease, and eventually she gave up.

If there are any Mothers who are alcoholics who are reading this: I want you to know that I am certain your children love and need you beyond any comprehension. They accept and love you no matter who you are and what you have done and their forgiveness is boundless. They offer you each day a new opportunity to be the fabulous Mother that you absolutely ARE. I understand the fear, grief and even terror that accompanies changing your actions, letting go of the addiction, and stepping into the field of vulnerability that is Sobriety and Motherhood.

I will never get to know my Mother and this is a terrible tragedy. She violated me in MANY ways, but she was very ill, and I believe that if she had put earnest effort forth, we could have healed the things she had done, even though they were of the most heinous nature. I would have worked with her.

My deepest wish is that someone will read this and think about their future instead of their past. Learn to forgive yourself and everything will follow. Believe that you can change and experience the love that you yearn for so deeply. Perhaps then my Mother's life will not have been a tragedy, but a gift that teaches us all to be careful with our young ones and each other.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:26 AM
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Welcome, Melina, and thank you for sharing a story that touched my heart.

I never experienced the abuse you did nor was my mother anything less than the kindest, wisest person I have ever known. But yours is a story of survival, of working our way past the obstacles of our past and healing.

Thank you for the inspiration and reminder that our past cannot be changed, but our future is all ours for the making.

Hugs
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:00 AM
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Dear Melina,
I thought I was in a hard place right now, but my hearts cries for your lost childhood. Thanks for your courage to share this so others may benefit.
God bless you for your future
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:34 AM
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Welcome to SR MelinaA!

Thank you for sharing your story...it has touched my heart in many ways! The courage and strength that shines in you now is truly amazing.

Glad to see that "Google" led you to us! I hope that you stick around as there are a lot of people here with support to share.

Sending you prayers and more strength to go with that courage that you have!

Keep posting-
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:21 AM
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Welcome to SR and thank you so much for sharing that! I am sober today for me but I love that my children never have to see me drunk again and trust their mom with everything.
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:17 AM
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any of us can still be children, again, or for the first time.

Big hug
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:26 AM
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God cares less about who and where we were than about the person we are in the process of becoming....Melina, welcome to SR!
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:53 AM
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Welcome, Melina. I too am a child of alcoholic abuse (there are many here) and your words ring so true.

I have found a way to finally have the childhood I was denied, through counseling, coaching, Al-Anon, self-help, and journaling. Though I came out of a cauldron of horrors, I can now say with 100% honesty that I am an extremely happy and well-adjusted person, very positive and stable.

I know that you too can have a life like this, one where you can look back and say, "I know those things happened TO me, but they are NOT me. I want something different for myself and I will have it or die trying."

Hugs to you -- and thanks for finding us!
GL
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:05 AM
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Welcome, Melina. I too am a child of alcoholic abuse (there are many here) and your words ring so true.

I have found a way to finally have the childhood I was denied, through counseling, coaching, Al-Anon, self-help, and journaling. Though I came out of a cauldron of horrors, I can now say with 100% honesty that I am an extremely happy and well-adjusted person, very positive and stable.

I know that you too can have a life like this, one where you can look back and say, "I know those things happened TO me, but they are NOT me. I want something different for myself and I will have it or die trying."

Hugs to you -- and thanks for finding us!
GL
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:05 AM
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Welcome to SR. I am an alcoholic with grown children. I thank god every day that I didn't start drinking until my children were older, I know that I would have hurt them in ways that would be hard to accept now. The things we do and say when we are under the influence, some of which we never remember. Thank you for sharing your story, it took courage, my heart goes out to you. There is alot of support here. hope you keep coming back. God bless
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:06 AM
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My heart goes out to you Melina
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Old 11-11-2008, 10:12 AM
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adding...

Thanks everyone for your wonderful responses. I just want you all to know that I didn't intend for the last part of this post to seem like I know what Alcoholic Mothers and parents need to hear. In truth, it's what I wish I had a chance to say to my Mom. I don't expect that it's enough for everyone to know that their children love them. Addiction is really tough like that. But whatever helps a person to know that they are WORTH regaining health and a sense of purpose, pursue that!!!

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Melina
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Old 11-11-2008, 10:29 AM
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Melina I love what you said...

But whatever helps a person to know that they are WORTH regaining health and a sense of purpose, pursue that!!!
This is hard for some to do as we all have different situations but, IMHO I wish that I had that chance with my father who also died from this horrible disease-I did however and probably due to my recovery am one of the only one's in my family who has stood by my A brother-

Thank you for sharing and Glad that you are here with us!
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:15 PM
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((((((hugs to you Melina))))))))

Thanks for sharing.

Love,

Lenina
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