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First time dealing with alcoholism - help

Old 11-11-2008, 06:20 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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throw in the towel after 8 months? It just seems like I wouldn't have given us a chance...
As you are finding out, you never had a fighting chance. I'm sorry to say that the addiction will always come first. You can give and give and give, but it will always remain the same. We take back seat to our loved ones addiction. Unless he is serious about changing his life and willingly works at it, that will never change.
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:21 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I've always understood why the Catholic Church (I'm catholic) says birth control is wrong.
Arrgh! This is why I haven't attended church in years. I decide what's right for my body and my life--not the church. Sorry for the tirade. This really pushes my buttons. Back to you all.
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Old 11-12-2008, 09:29 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Deliverance, I don't think that what Ssljuser is saying should be discounted as sarcasm that easily. Take what you want, leave the rest is a common saying in recovery.

Obviously there is more to a healthy marriage and family than just holding down a job, not running the streets and being involved in the kids school work. Oviously there is a huge problem in your relationship. That's why you found this site. Your husband has addiction and alcoholism problems. Those things don't get better on their own. They just get worse. And all the love in the world or hope for a normal family life is not going to help him get better. He must do it on his own. You can't make him seek help and you can't make him get better.

Figure out what your values are regarding drugs and alcohol. Determine if what he is doing right now fits in with those values. Accept who he is and then decide if you can live with things the way they are. You are still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. Things don't get much better than the way they are right now. Unfortunately, with an alcholic/addict, you can be guaranteed, they will get worse unless he chooses to quit using right now.
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:23 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I can relate. I met my husband and fell head over heels in love. I was pg within four months and then soon married. When my son was four months old I got pg with twins. My husband alcoholism became progressivly worse. I was scared but I had him leave the house. We had several times he came in and out of the house trying to better things but to no avail. The time before this he did stay sober for a year but had to move due to a job and on his own he started drinking again.
Recently he decided to quit drinking because he was having health problems and hated who he saw in the mirror. Our children are 8,7 and 7 and are just now getting to know him.
I protected them against him. I didn't want them to see daddy sick. It got to the point I had to educate them on alcoholism. I was careful not to put down their dad. I thank God for church because that's what got us through. My kids had a safe place to pray. They knew they were safe with me and they were structured. When I law down my rules I follow through.
There were times when he came to visit and I had to have him leave and the kids were hysterically crying but in the end they knew I was protecting them. Those were tough.

The thing is......only HE can stop drinking. Nothing you do, say or offer him will make that happen. I have learned that by us sticking around that we are only enabling them to have their cake and eat it to.
It's hard because you don't want to stop the relationship with their father.
I chose the days and times my husband could speak to the kids and I listen to their conversation. Him and I no longer spoke towards the end.
We have been married eight years.
He is newly sober again for two 1/2 weeks. I can never say that he will or will not drink again. I don't know. For now, he is back in our home. My boundaries are written in concrete. You can not threaten and not go through with things, it only shows them that we are weak and will not follow through.
Make you and your kids first priority!
My husband isn't a violent man either. While drinking he did accidentally hit me so it can happen. I do not trust alcohol in him and I do not want it around my children for that reason. If I can detour an accident then I will.
There's so much when dealing with alcohol that I can't write everything. Time unfortunatly teaches you.

The main rule of thumb when you have children is to get them out of any situation where there is alcohol being abused by a parent no matter what you have to do. It is your job as a parent to keep them safe.
You are a victim or a volenteer. Which are you?

You can pm me anytime. I know your situation and it seems like a black hole when you are living it. I have been out of the fog for close to two years now. It was a long road but I pulled myself out.
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