drained22

I posted here a few times ago, stopped recently because I thought it was getting better.

my AF (alco friend at this point) , I don't know what to do. obviously she isnt at the point of going to get help.

I was reading the al anon test and I answered most of the questions yes.

the one thing that caught my attention is the upsetting or canceling of plans.

here is the story, friday we were suppose to come to my house to watch a simple movie than I would bring her home.

she has the habit of making other plans and calling her friends when we are hanging out. and I told her that I'm not in the mood for any of that on friday. (told her on wednesday).

well I thought I made it clear yet when I picked her up, I had to drive her friend home who lives in the city which they don't have any money. most of her friends don't work or care about her. (most are of questionable character).

well she tells me she has to stop by a friends house to pick up 20 dollars because he owes her this money, I find this interesting and my rader goes up because I'm hoping its not one of her schemes and just hope she is telling the truth. (I also told her I'm not in the mood for one of her schemes.)

so she told me we have to go to his house, hang for 15 minutes and then she'll ask him for the money. well I'm like whatever, 15 minutes then we go watch a movie.

well we go there, he has friends over and she starts talking. half hour pass and she asked if its cool to go get some cocaine. meanwhile everyone else has been drinking and doing pot. long story short, we never went back to my place. went back to her house because she was wasted on beer, pot, cocaine and I tried driving her home because I didn't want her to continue this behavior. we got into a big scene because she still wanted to hang out with her friends meanwhile its 2am in the morning and I have to be up at 530am. I told everyone I have to be at home by 130 yet it fell on deaf ears.

well she didnt want to go home so I kept telling her to get out and go home, she didn't know what I was doing, she thinks I don't know how to act around her "friends". I almost got into fight with this hippie because he told me he didnt want to make a scene. luckily he got back into the car because it was either me protecting her or letting this piece of **** character telling me what to do with someone I love.

so she didn't go home, she crashed at this girls house who was with us til sunday. she called me saturday to come out to a bar but I think they just needed a ride because I heard laughing in the background. I told her I wasn't going out and hung up.

sunday comes around, I knew she was going to call me for a ride home. she gave me this lie that her mom heard what happened and felt bad and she wanted me to come over for dinner, I knew it was a total bs but I went along with it. I picked up her and it was 6pm and she was already drunk. I told these so called friends "why is my friend like this?" , no one answered.

its like no one cares about this girl but me, I thought people cared but non of these people care about what can happen to her.

so I drive her home and she cancels the dinner, I told her stop lying to me and I told her that I found 4 empty beer cans in the back seat and cocaine dust on the back. she told me I need to chill and relax and if she was like 15 cans than I should be pist.

her concept of what goes on around her is warped and her point of view on things is also questionable. she lies, is cold hearted. manipulative and uses people.

when will she ever get better? her mom told me she wants to kick her out but her dad doesnt want to but I think thats the only way.

she tells me I'm socially ignorant, I don't know how to act but its because her friends dont care and I'm the only one who questions her about her drinking. I know I can't help her but do I just let her do whatever she wants?

drained22

her problem is not in the realm of normal partying. I have previous posts about my "friend" which should help you see what I'm dealing with.

MissFixit

I'm sorry for your situation.

My EXABF used to say that someone was being "mean" whenever they called him out on his drinking. I was being "mean" prior to him cheating on me with a fellow drinker.

It was because of his thinking and behavior that he developed several levels of friends. The top level (good caring friends) keep a distance from him, because they know that his drinking is out of control. His next level of pals will coddle him so long as they profit (booze, parties, etc). He doesn't repsect many of them, but will spend time with them as healthy people keep distances from crazy people, even the ones they like. The last group of "friends" and I use that term loosely, completely use him. They are the ones to bring alcohol to his house, drive him to bars and manipulate him into buying them things.

Don't know what to tell you to do, but in my experiene alcoholics don't like to be challenged and will bark at you if you question them. Also, as long as they are determined to drink they will seek out anyone to do this with even bottomfeeders.

drained22

thank you anvilhead and MissFixIt.

Miss Fix It, last night she did say I was being mean when I drove her home. I just don't know what to do with her.

I read there are three people in this world, Sheeps, Sheep dogs and wolves. I see myself as a sheep dog, her "bottom feeders" as wolves. I know its the alcohol that controls her but what will it take?

thanks anvilhead, I realized I was a enabler a few weeks ago and tried to morph my way into not becoming one. I also called her on it.

I stopped buying her alcohol. but she would lie and tell me she would pay me back for certain things but I knew she wouldnt so I stopped buying her stuff, the money wasn't the issue, I like paying for her, when she wanted something I would always take my wallet out but now on friday she made this girl buy two 12 packs of beer when we were at her apartment. she bought a pack by herself yet she didnt have the money. it really hurts me to see her counting change and the cashier was waiting and got frustrated but I think it was better off for her to realize what she was doing.

I wanted to go, I told everyone I had to go at 130 because I had work at 530 but I don't want to leave her at someones house I didn't know. she told me the guy I almost got into a fight with got annoyed that I didnt hang out and chill that I kept telling people I had to go.

It felt kind of good because I realized I was more grown up than they were, I had responsibilities. while these people just did whatever they wanted to do.

I so new to this, I realized she was a alcoholic a while back but didnt think nothing of it as when I didn't know how to explain her behavior. your description of your exabf totally fits my situation with my "Friend".

she was not just my friend, but I told myself that I was too good for her, it helped alittle but now I'm just lost and this forum is giving me insight on certain situations that I have no idea on.

Bernadette

Hiya drained--
What are you getting out of this friendship except a headache and a possible arrest?

I don't hang out in houses where people are doing coke. Cocaine is the #1 drug that brings people into the criminal justice system in a serious way, and YOU don't even have to be doing the coke! Just your presence at a dealer's house can get you busted. A criminal record and incarceration are not on my "bright future plans" list!! You seem too smart for them to be on yours either!!

Take care of YOURSELF!!
B.

LaTeeDa

These two statements really jumped out at me from your post. After spending over a year in therapy, I discovered that one of the reasons I stayed married to an alcoholic for 18 years is because it made me feel better about myself.

1) I felt superior because his problems were so much "worse" than mine.
2) I convinced myself that I was a good person because I wanted to "help" him do better.

It was difficult to take my focus off trying to figure him out and refocus on trying to figure me out. It has made all the difference in my life, though.

L

Redheadsusie

She will take from you and use you if you allow her to. Her parents seeming to not care may be deceiving. Maybe they are just not enabling her. I am sorry you are dealing with this. You sound pretty resonsible- she seems to bring you down. You deserve better!

drained22

They are not enabling her, I could see that. her mom said alcoholicism has been in the family with her grandfather who lives in Pa in the sticks.

parents don't give her any money, nor have a trust fund. they don't even pay for her tuition. she went to a very upper level university in NY and got kicked out her freshmen year. she gave one reason but she covers up so thats questionable.

her mom won't let her get a license because she told me she doesnt want to loose her house if anything happens.

her family is a well to do but they don't give her money. I'm learning how to stop being used but she is too manipulative that it takes time to understand when its happening.

I was hanging out with one of her friends who also questions her drinking. I found out she needed a ride from school so I picked her up and we hung out. before of course she wanted to buy a 12 pack of course,she only had 8 dollars. asked me for 6. before I knew it I helped her buy beer.

she didnt get as drunk as usual because it was only beer but she had like 6 beers but she was buzzed. towards the end of the night she wanted to goto a bar but I told her I didnt want to see her drunk. I could see statements like these don't make me her favorite person. she wanted to goto a bar afterwards on a monday night at 130am so if I took her that would finish her off.

hey redheadsusie, the problem is not enabling her but still being her friend. being on her case hasnt made me the favorite person, it has hurt our relationship because she is getting the hint that I won't pay for her alcohol.I stopped being the cool friend, I'm suppose to drink alcohol yet with her moderation problem it stopped being fun. we're in our 20s. I'm older, I'm the youngest child of three, she is the oldest of three yet she suppose to be more responsible than me.


she wanted to goto a bar afterwards, she said you want to goto a bar or go home. I told her I would like to take her home. I could sense this wasnt to her likening but will she understand that I'm not enabling her anymore or think I just don't like what she wants to do or dont want to pay for her anymore?

do alcoholics understand when the jig is up, should I even say statements like "I don't want to see you drunk tonight?" because they sound mean, insulting because it might sound I'm trying to degrade her.

I think I'm going to distance myself from her activities and just take her to quiet places. but on a somewhat decent note, she wasn't drunk when I drove her home but the question is killing 1000 people vs 1 person any difference because she'll just get wasted with someone else.

GiveLove

Take two steps back, drained.

What is it about this relationship that is good for your life?

If someone you loved told YOU this story -- of a "friend" who is alcoholic, drug user, liar, manipulator, user, awful social group, too irresponsible to go to school or hold a driver's license, obviously not capable of being a friend to you -- what would you tell they they should do?

You can't change her behavior and you can't change her choices.

All YOU have the power to do is decide whether you want to take a front row seat to it or not. If you're getting something out of all this (feeling like a savior?) then you have to be prepared for the repercussions, like the psychosis of alcoholics' behavior, getting a ticket for having an open container in your car, middle-of-the-night phone calls, etc.

As we often say here, the choice is either to "let go or be dragged."

You have the right to choose. You can't save her - you can only save yourself.

Good luck,
GL

Kimmieh

It just seems like you are only worried about her and not yourself by asking if you are enabling her or not. What you describe sounds really stressful to me...

I think that enabling is not only giving them money or rescuing them from harm, but also engaging in these little games. I once described an evening with my ABF on here where he came home drunk and instead of yelling and bitching and crying, I just completely ignored him. He HATED it. He WANTED me to react to him, even if it meant yelling and crying.

I can't speak for alcoholics, but to me it sounds condescending and believe me, I have said it many many times to no avail. Now I say "if you want to drink, could you please let me know because then I would rather stay home and see you another time because I feel uncomfortable around you when you are drunk."

And as someone has already said, please be careful not to get in trouble with the law or in any sort of danger because of her.

drained22

Now I say "if you want to drink, could you please let me know because then I would rather stay home and see you another time because I feel uncomfortable around you when you are drunk."

Thank you, that sounds more civil and would have more impact than my constant "nagging."

TakingCharge999

Bump for drained.