Help me understand?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Help me understand?
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I stumbled upon it and thought maybe it could help me...
2 years ago I made an online friend with whom I immediately became very close. 6 months into our friendship, he revealed to me that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know much about alcoholism, and he seemed pretty normal to me so I didn't think much of it. We only kept in touch during his working hours and so I never saw the impact that alcohol really had on him "after-hours"...
Over the course of the next year, through constant email contact, I began understanding the depth of the grip that alcoholism can have on somebody. Terrible stories were relayed to me, all of which had alcohol involved.
A year and a half into our friendship, we decided to meet in person. I flew out to spend a week with him this past summer (he lives thousands of miles away from me, in another country). This was my first real exposure to the reality of alcoholism. My friend couldn't even look at me or relax around me unless he had alcohol in his system. It was devastating for me.
Since then, I have really struggled between pity and anger towards him. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic; yet all of his extra money goes into alcohol and it's eating up his life. But he doesn't want to live a life without alcohol because he views it as the only way he can relax and/or have fun. He's become incredibly depressed in part due to the alcoholism. But does nothing to fix it except dull his pain with a drink.
From a distance, all I can do is watch him flail around in despair. And it hurts me tremendously to see him in anguish over it because I care so much. But I also know to keep a safe distance because getting too involved with alcoholism could easily suck the life out of me, too.
Sometimes I consider going to alcohol anonymous meetings myself. Just to understand. But then I get angry about it, because even he won't go to a meeting. Why should I.
*sigh*
I'm rambling. I just need some sort of support and understanding. I fear my dearest friend is going to drink himself to death. And I don't know what to do.
2 years ago I made an online friend with whom I immediately became very close. 6 months into our friendship, he revealed to me that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know much about alcoholism, and he seemed pretty normal to me so I didn't think much of it. We only kept in touch during his working hours and so I never saw the impact that alcohol really had on him "after-hours"...
Over the course of the next year, through constant email contact, I began understanding the depth of the grip that alcoholism can have on somebody. Terrible stories were relayed to me, all of which had alcohol involved.
A year and a half into our friendship, we decided to meet in person. I flew out to spend a week with him this past summer (he lives thousands of miles away from me, in another country). This was my first real exposure to the reality of alcoholism. My friend couldn't even look at me or relax around me unless he had alcohol in his system. It was devastating for me.
Since then, I have really struggled between pity and anger towards him. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic; yet all of his extra money goes into alcohol and it's eating up his life. But he doesn't want to live a life without alcohol because he views it as the only way he can relax and/or have fun. He's become incredibly depressed in part due to the alcoholism. But does nothing to fix it except dull his pain with a drink.
From a distance, all I can do is watch him flail around in despair. And it hurts me tremendously to see him in anguish over it because I care so much. But I also know to keep a safe distance because getting too involved with alcoholism could easily suck the life out of me, too.
Sometimes I consider going to alcohol anonymous meetings myself. Just to understand. But then I get angry about it, because even he won't go to a meeting. Why should I.
*sigh*
I'm rambling. I just need some sort of support and understanding. I fear my dearest friend is going to drink himself to death. And I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yellowfish,
I wish I knew some great advice to give you.
The fact is, his choices are his choices. He has the ability any day, any hour, to enter a program of recovery and turn his life around, but he doesn't.
Something we try to learn & practice a lot here is detachment. There are some great "sticky" posts on detaching with love...watching things from the balcony, I think Martha Beck calls it. Are you able to love him anyway, from your safe distance, even if he makes poor choices? Or is it just too stressful, too disturbing for your soul to continue to hear his tales of woe?
Sometimes, friendships become more of an emotional burden than they were intended to be, and we have to decide whether they are taking more OUT of our lives than they are adding TO our lives.
There's nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. Not a single thing. Are you okay living with the fact that he's making poor choices and will probably continue to get worse as time goes on? Can you let go of any "outcomes" and just enjoy your correspondence with him? (Is this a romantic relationship? that would complicate things considerably....)
Please keep posting here.......there are a ton of very wise and compassionate people (more of them on the weekdays, actually) and they'll happily share their experiences and idea.
Hugs,
GL
I wish I knew some great advice to give you.
The fact is, his choices are his choices. He has the ability any day, any hour, to enter a program of recovery and turn his life around, but he doesn't.
Something we try to learn & practice a lot here is detachment. There are some great "sticky" posts on detaching with love...watching things from the balcony, I think Martha Beck calls it. Are you able to love him anyway, from your safe distance, even if he makes poor choices? Or is it just too stressful, too disturbing for your soul to continue to hear his tales of woe?
Sometimes, friendships become more of an emotional burden than they were intended to be, and we have to decide whether they are taking more OUT of our lives than they are adding TO our lives.
There's nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. Not a single thing. Are you okay living with the fact that he's making poor choices and will probably continue to get worse as time goes on? Can you let go of any "outcomes" and just enjoy your correspondence with him? (Is this a romantic relationship? that would complicate things considerably....)
Please keep posting here.......there are a ton of very wise and compassionate people (more of them on the weekdays, actually) and they'll happily share their experiences and idea.
Hugs,
GL
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Originally Posted by Yellowfish 
From a distance, all I can do is watch him flail around in despair. And it hurts me tremendously to see him in anguish over it because I care so much. But I also know to keep a safe distance because getting too involved with alcoholism could easily suck the life out of me, too.
Living a long way a way is probably a very good thing as there is nothing you can do for him. If he doesn't want to stop drinking, then he doesn't want to stop drinking. If he did want to stop then he probably would have.
But welcome to the forum! And I hope you do stick around as it also isn't about denying 'that you love an alcoholic'.
Take it easy
:ghug3
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You are not "powerful" enough to make him see the the devastation he is causing.
You are right that he isn't caring about his recovery then why should you. You shouldn't. You can not change him.
Count yourself lucky he's that many miles away and live in peace. Save yourself while you can and leave him be. You will be happier in life without that toxic relationship. It's all up to you.
You are right that he isn't caring about his recovery then why should you. You shouldn't. You can not change him.
Count yourself lucky he's that many miles away and live in peace. Save yourself while you can and leave him be. You will be happier in life without that toxic relationship. It's all up to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Thank you for the responses... They brought tears to my eyes. This is a very emotional place, isn't it.
To answer your question, GiveLove, I suppose that yes our relationship could be described as romantic. Although there are boundaries in place that prevent us from ever being together. Ultimately that's a good thing. I do not want to get involved with an alcoholic -- I've learned that much. But it makes it hard for the giver in me because I wish I could help more. That said, it is great practice for me to build new habits of not always stepping in and helping others. I'm learning a lot from our relationship.
I have another friend who is a recovered addict for 8 years and he's guided me through the toughest parts (the ones where my alcoholic friend was on the brink of suicide). I learned to let go and love him from afar, flaws and all, and accept whatever fate he brings upon himself.
Some days, though, are harder than others to do that of course.
I like the 3 C's, lizw. Those will stick in my head when those tough days come. And Stubborn1, you're right that I'm not powerful enough to make him see the devastation he causes. Thank you for pointing that out.
He watches a show called Intervention and often talks about that -- seeing the devastation his alcoholism causes to others. He also goes to an anger management class on and off, and that often helps pick him up off the floor. But I've taken a stance of just letting him tell me whether he's going or not, rather than my pushing or asking/encouraging. These need to be his decisions, not mine.
Yesterday he wrote and asked for "some space" because he realized that his depression was damaging all of his valued relationships and he needs to do some reflecting. I was proud of him and gave it. Thing is, I've seen this in the past and he'll often tackle lots of other issues within himself (anger, depression, etc.) but not the alcoholism.
For me I guess I don't know how much a role it plays in the intertwining. But reading through so many of the other threads, I can see it plays a huge one. He is those other alcoholics...
To answer your question, GiveLove, I suppose that yes our relationship could be described as romantic. Although there are boundaries in place that prevent us from ever being together. Ultimately that's a good thing. I do not want to get involved with an alcoholic -- I've learned that much. But it makes it hard for the giver in me because I wish I could help more. That said, it is great practice for me to build new habits of not always stepping in and helping others. I'm learning a lot from our relationship.
I have another friend who is a recovered addict for 8 years and he's guided me through the toughest parts (the ones where my alcoholic friend was on the brink of suicide). I learned to let go and love him from afar, flaws and all, and accept whatever fate he brings upon himself.
Some days, though, are harder than others to do that of course.
I like the 3 C's, lizw. Those will stick in my head when those tough days come. And Stubborn1, you're right that I'm not powerful enough to make him see the devastation he causes. Thank you for pointing that out.
He watches a show called Intervention and often talks about that -- seeing the devastation his alcoholism causes to others. He also goes to an anger management class on and off, and that often helps pick him up off the floor. But I've taken a stance of just letting him tell me whether he's going or not, rather than my pushing or asking/encouraging. These need to be his decisions, not mine.
Yesterday he wrote and asked for "some space" because he realized that his depression was damaging all of his valued relationships and he needs to do some reflecting. I was proud of him and gave it. Thing is, I've seen this in the past and he'll often tackle lots of other issues within himself (anger, depression, etc.) but not the alcoholism.
For me I guess I don't know how much a role it plays in the intertwining. But reading through so many of the other threads, I can see it plays a huge one. He is those other alcoholics...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It's a vicious circle of anger, guilt, remorse, depression, and drinking. He is the only one who can jump out of it, not you or anybody else.
It is hard to have to stand back and let someone you really care about do so much harm to themselves, but you are lucky in that you are not there in the middle of it, watching it or worse.
God bless
It is hard to have to stand back and let someone you really care about do so much harm to themselves, but you are lucky in that you are not there in the middle of it, watching it or worse.
God bless
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I hear your pain and understand it so much. I loved my bestfriend so much unconditionally as you say. I saw through the alcoholism, I saw her for who she was. Same goes for my husband. I couldn't save my best friend. When they are that deep in alcoholism it's sooooooo hard for them to pull out of it. I understand you wanting to help in some way but if you do..........you will help him to the point you honestly may lose yourself in the process.
I lost myself trying to help my husband so fast I didn't even know what hit me. This is why the disease makes those around it sick too.
Maybe tell him if he decides to go into a program that you will be a faithful pen pal. Maybe that's all he needs to give him a push. I know it's hard to sit back and watch them die a slow death when you can see a light. They don't see that light.
When it all comes down to it sweetness there are free programs everywhere that will take a desperate man who wants to get better. If he has excuses then he is standing in his own way.
Even if he does get sober you have to understand that his attitude is part of who he is now. They don't stop drinking and become nice people. They have to learn to be kind and take on things. Thats a whole new scary for them and it's usually done with other AA peeps.
It is a long journey he has ahead of him "IF" he choices to quit.
I know how long one can live on the "what if's" and "if only's"
You're in my prayers.
I lost myself trying to help my husband so fast I didn't even know what hit me. This is why the disease makes those around it sick too.
Maybe tell him if he decides to go into a program that you will be a faithful pen pal. Maybe that's all he needs to give him a push. I know it's hard to sit back and watch them die a slow death when you can see a light. They don't see that light.
When it all comes down to it sweetness there are free programs everywhere that will take a desperate man who wants to get better. If he has excuses then he is standing in his own way.
Even if he does get sober you have to understand that his attitude is part of who he is now. They don't stop drinking and become nice people. They have to learn to be kind and take on things. Thats a whole new scary for them and it's usually done with other AA peeps.
It is a long journey he has ahead of him "IF" he choices to quit.
I know how long one can live on the "what if's" and "if only's"
You're in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
I have to tell you that while I was drinking it WAS the only way I knew to keep functioning. I don't think it's easy to understand if you've never been there. That stuff really gets a hold of you and it really is a big "lie".
Someone (like myself) doesn't realize that all those bad feelings while sober are really a lot of the after affects that alcohol does to you physically and psychologically. When I first went to meetings I shared with others about my anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, nightmares and they told me to just stay away from drinking for a week or more and that it would get better. I didn't believe them because it had been such a crutch for me for so long and you know what? They were right. After a week plus I was feeling tons better. I had no idea.
It's a learning process. Pray for him. Put a seed in his head. It's all on him though. If he wants to be sober, if he gets sick enough, hopefully your friend will get better.
Someone (like myself) doesn't realize that all those bad feelings while sober are really a lot of the after affects that alcohol does to you physically and psychologically. When I first went to meetings I shared with others about my anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, nightmares and they told me to just stay away from drinking for a week or more and that it would get better. I didn't believe them because it had been such a crutch for me for so long and you know what? They were right. After a week plus I was feeling tons better. I had no idea.
It's a learning process. Pray for him. Put a seed in his head. It's all on him though. If he wants to be sober, if he gets sick enough, hopefully your friend will get better.
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