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Old 11-08-2008, 01:44 PM
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New to Forum

I'm very grateful to have found this Forum! I just happened to google "Living with an Alcoholic" and I was lucky enough to find you. In reading some of the posts, I don't feel quite so alone.

I was with my alcoholic husband for 16 years and we split up 5 months ago. This has been the most difficult break-up I've ever gone through, because I'm still missing him so much, but I realize I'm missing the dream of how I wanted our relationship to be and not the reality of how it actually was for the last few years.

I initiated the break-up, but because he would never leave in the past, or he would leave and come back, I was very shocked when he actually did and even more surprised when he moved thousands of miles away to live with his brother and wife. Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself and think that there might have been one more thing I could have done to get him to give up the alcohol and put our relationship first. But my logical self knows that I tried everything possible and more and I did all the wrong things, that only ended up enabling him more. It didn't matter what I did; none of it worked.

I just hope the pain and self-blame stop one day. In my heart of hearts, I want him back but I also know it won't work unless he quits drinking.

Thanks for having me here.

prairiegirl
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:27 PM
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Hi Prarie girl...Welcome. Weekends can be slow around here. More people will be along soon. Have you heard of the thre C's? They are:
1. You didn't cause his drinking
2. You can't control his drinking
3. You can't cure his drinking

What you can do is take care of you, and you just did by posting here. Many people here have been through breakups of long tern marriages, and I am one of them.. I agree this is about the hardest thing I have ever been through. Read around, read the stickies found at the top of the forum. You are among friends!
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:38 PM
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prairiegirl,
Welcome.
Yes, you will find support here. Quite a lot of support.
It sounds like you have made many good decisions, even thought it must have been very hard to end a 16 year relationship. It will take time to grieve, and that is the right word for it, for the loss of the marriage. I am sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you made the best choice. There are no easy decisions in relationships with alcoholics - they are all difficult, painful, and all result in regrets, 20/20 hindsight, and guilt. With time, the pain will diminish and you will feel better about the direction you chose.
There is no 'one thing you could have done'. Alcoholism takes over a person's will, and to some degree the will of those who care for them, and only they can make the decision to recover.
Be clear on this - the solution to alcoholism is entirely in the hands and the will of the alcoholic. Read the 12 steps of AA. Nothing in there says anything - not a single hint or suggestion of the possibility - about another person making the addiction go away. The only outside help is a Higher Power - a relationship that is formed and strengthened, or lost, by the alcoholic. In our attempts to help alcoholics (in my case my parents) we are either enabling the addiction or having no effect whatsoever.
You can show your husband that you care for his health and for his recovery, but the care has to have boundaries, for the sake of your mental and emotional health as well as his recovery. Only they can put down the drink.
Work on your own peace of mind - that is the best way forward. There are several lines of good advice in the 'stickies' posts, and those may include some good books on co-dependency. Alanon meetings are also a great resource if there are any in your area. It does not matter that your husband is no longer there, as you need help in recovering some peace of mind. Opening up to others who know what you have endured is a step, actually lots of small steps, in the right direction.
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:48 PM
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Read around, read the stickies found at the top of the forum. You are among friends!
Wow, Chrysalis beat me to it there.
Weekends can be slow around here. More people will be along soon.
But she is wrong there. There are at least 16 people in this forum alone right now. You will get lots of great insight here, prairiegirl, and comfort.
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Old 11-08-2008, 06:03 PM
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Prairiegirl, hugs to you!

Regrets were part of my breakup too, at first, but we both have to keep remembering: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. He simply would not stop drinking, from the sound of it. NOTHING YOU COULD DO COULD CHANGE THAT...he would have to make that choice. The fact that you were unwilling to live with an active alcoholic and made a decision to protect yourself should be a source of pride (even amid the melancholy)

It takes a long time, sometimes, for our logical mind to overcome years and years of habit. For all the terrible things we often have to put up with, there's a certain comfort at having someone around who's known you for a long time. I missed things like having someone to hug me (though half the time it was hollow), someone sleeping in the bed next to me (snoring), the adrenalin rush of all the high drama, etc.

All I can say is that, for me, those things did fade in time. But I had to make a very conscious effort to look to other relationships (family, good friendships, others) to get back the pieces of goodness that the ruined relationship took with it. Trust, great conversations, great social times, hugs, physical touch, laughter ---- all of these are things that you can obtain from other sources, and doing so really helped me. Even having a regular massage once a month really helped fill that gut-level need to be touched, so I wasn't so mournful.

Stick around with us - lots of wisdom and compassion here to share!
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:36 PM
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I haven't quite figured out how this works yet, so I apologize. I've never been part of a Forum before and so I don't know if I do a general Reply or respond this way or if there is a particular method to posting. Please let me know if you can simplify this for me.

Anyway, thank you so much everyone for the advice and GiveLove in particular for your comments! I have alot of guilt because it wasn't really clear what exactly happened when my AH and I broke up. When we used to talk or argue, as the case may be, I used to say things like, "If you don't want to do anything with me, than why don't you get out of my way so I can go forward with my life." We used to joke with each other how neither one of us had the guts to leave. But things had been getting worse for the past year and his drinking was escalating, even though he was a functional A. We'd talked about him moving out a few times in the past months and then one day he just announced that he was going in a month's time and that he would be moving to Texas, where his brother & family live. That shocked me. I thought if we separated, he’d just move around the corner and we’d have a chance to work on things.

I still have thoughts like why didn't I just shut up and he'd still be here. Mind you, I wasn't happy, my friends remind me and I think it's more about having the warm body there, the person that knows you so well, knows your family & friends, is there to give you support through alot of things and to talk to, because we did talk alot. He used to drive for a living and we’d be on the phone 3 times a day.

But as someone commented, when he was laying beside me, the snoring drove me crazy so we'd often sleep in separate rooms; he stunk of alcohol and it turned me right off; he'd never sit down and eat with me, though he did most of the cooking, because he'd have to wait until he got the maximum buzz from the alcohol and then eat just before passing out, which he often did in front of the computer, drooling no less. I would be so disgusted with all of this.

Yet, like everyone says, when he was sober he was such an amazing guy. But the verbal abuse was getting out of control when he drank and he'd rarely apologize the next day, unless I forced him to. After awhile you just start feeling like a roommate or a mother and that's not what I signed up for.

I like the suggestions that we can get most of our needs met from friends & family and I've come to realize what good friends I have and how they have been there for me through all of this, thank God! The massage is a good idea as well and I have been doing things like that. It’s true that alot of the sadness is because there was somebody there and we get so used to them being there, even if they weren't contributing much to our life.

Anyway, thank you very much for all of your kind words. They are much appreciated!
_______________
"The only way out is through." Author Unknown

Last edited by prairiegirl; 11-11-2008 at 02:46 PM. Reason: Wanted to ad a quote.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:08 PM
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Welcome! :ghug3

We didn't cause it,
We can't control it,
We can't cure it!

I have been saying this ALOT lately!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You will get alot of good support here from people with experiences that you have / are going through.

Keep posting prairiegirl.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:21 PM
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I Could Use Your Feedback

[COLOR="purple"]Thank you for welcoming me! I definitely feel like I'm in the right place and my only regret is that I didn't find this Forum sooner.

My AH and I were together 16 years. Hard to believe! I didn't realize he had a problem until about two years of being with him. He says he'd been hiding it up until then. During the time I was with him, I'm ashamed to say that I went to a transition house for a month because he was scaring me, he went to treatment twice, stopped drinking for 2 years but wouldn't do the follow-up work so relapsed, went to a D & A counsellor on and off, which was good but he would never follow their suggestions for treatment, meetings, support of some kind. Meetings were for losers, not him. He didn't want to quit drinking completely, he wanted to learn how to control it because he really believed you couldn't have a good time without alcohol. I went to Alanon, counselling, turned myself inside out trying this and that to get him to stop drinking and see his potential. It just made things worse and he resented me for being like a mother or "nag." It's amazing how we can do all our codependant behavior from a place of love and wanting to help the other person get well, but in the end it is just seen as interference and they hate us for it. Anyway, I think I tried everything and nothing helped.

So, I started saying things along the lines of if you don't want to spend time with me,make any plans together to take vacations, spend time together his days off, buy anything for our place, go out for dinner once in awhile or just do anything together, what are you doing here? Why are you standing in my way of having a fulfilling life? He'd say that he was happy just working, cooking a nice meal, watching a movie at home and drinking and that he could do that every day, which is what he did do our whole relationship. What I wanted to do did not matter. It was always an argument to go anywhere.

He shocked me when I kept it up and he actually did leave, only I didn't expect him to go thousands of miles away where there was no hope of working anything out.

It's been 5 months that I've been grieving. The first 2 months, it was like nothing had even changed. After he left and went to Texas, he called me every day, 2-3 times per day. This was no different than when he was visiting in Texas or away on the road for work. So I felt like nothing had changed and that there was a hope of getting back together. He would even put our nephew on the phone telling me how much he missed me and wanted to come and visit me. He had the nephew write me a letter and so really it was like it had always been. But after two months of this, one day he told me how his brother was so upset that he had run up all these phone bills. Of course he had run out of money and was/is relying on the brother to look after him now. Because his brother is very well-off, that won't be a problem and he also still thinks that giving him anything he wants and setting him up in a business and place to live will cure him of drinking. Good luck! I tried for 16 years to no avail.

So I said to him, "I never asked you to call me every day," as it sounded like he was blaming me for the bill. I can't remember exactly what was said, but he denied calling me every day and when I said I was feeling like there was a chance of working it out. He told me that that wasn't his intention of calling all the time, but that he didn't want to be a jerk because we'd been together for all those years. I was surprised and told him he had been misleading me and that if he was calling me out of pity, I didn't need it and I certainly didn't need to be updated daily on his wonderful life and the details of his family. I didn't hear from him for a month after that. That's when the real grieving began. I've never been through so much pain, even though I didn't want to keep living like that.

He called again after a month and asked how I was and asked about the pets and my family. The very next day he called and told me it was the luckiest day of his life. When I asked why, he said he had just gotten a work visa for the US. When I acted surprised and disappointed, and told him I wasn't even aware he'd applied for one, he said, "I should have known you would ruin this for me." I told him very clearly that I was missing him, dealing with the mess he left behind, living in the same apartment we'd moved into together, dealing with the pets, the bills and everything else. I told him I still loved him and had hoped we could work things out. He said that wasn't going to happen. So, I told him that I was not his best friend and had no right thinking I had gone from wife and lover to friend overnight. Also, it was a contradiction for me to be supportive of him starting a new life without me and grieving my own loss at the same time. Not to mention how inappropriate it is. He got really angry and said he'd call me later.

When he called later he asked if we were done arguing. We had been talking about emotions, not arguing. He was very condecending, told me his sister-in-law had kicked him out of his brother's house, and that even though she was begging him to come back the next day, he refused; that he was living with a co-worker and that he'd call me in a day or two and give me his new numbers. He never called back, just like I was some woman he'd met at a bar and said "I'll call you," then never does. It was so disrespectful, especially because I insisted we break-up in a friendly way. I knew for a month that he was leaving and insisted that there was no need to be cruel to each other. The fact is that the last couple of weeks were like a honeymoon - going out together, getting together with friends/family so he could say good-bye, sleeping together, and doing all the things that I had wanted during the relationship. At that point, I couldn't even understand why we were going apart, but I keep forgetting the alcohol factor.

It's a funny thing...... I initiated this break-up but then he's the one who did the leaving so I feel like the one who has been abandoned. What's wrong with this picture? Any thoughts and advice would be welcomed.

I'm so glad I've found you all here on this Forum. Sorry I went on so long.




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Old 11-11-2008, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by prairiegirl View Post
I realize I'm missing the dream of how I wanted our relationship to be and not the reality of how it actually was for the last few years.
prairiegirl
This is key, once you truely get this it gets easier. The A knows we have been living on ifs and buts and will generaly use this to manipulate.

I think many of us have had the "no one will ever love you like I do" "When I get well we'll have such a good life" conversations initiated by exA's

Keep the focus on the reality not the dream and you'll do fine
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:06 PM
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Welcome prairiegirl!

I read your post and can relate alot to what you are saying.

I too kicked out the EXA and he left and I did feel like we were abandoned. Me and my kids. I really felt bad when I realized that I had just given him what he wanted. Time to do drugs.

I still talk to him because of the kids and about once a week I make the mistake of talking to much to him and here I am on this forum typing my heart out about how I thought he was gonna blah blah.....

Its hurts yes, especially if you still have the thinking that you can work things out if he addresses his problems. But like I have been told here many times think about the way he is NOW. Not then.

Of course he was great you had alot of great times together. 16 years is a long time to invest in a marriage/relationship. But that person is no longer there. It hurts but keep posting and reading on here and little by little the hurt will stop.

Today I tried to cry but I guess I am all cryed out. Getting better. He has been gone for over a month now. I feel like I am getting stronger and soon you will to......
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:54 PM
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That is good advice. I know it's important to keep focused on how they are NOW, not what they are like when they are sober, or what they were like in the beginning of the relationship, or before the drinking escalated. It is easy to get caught up in the illusion or dream of how we wanted it to be, not the reality of how it actually was.

The pain is not as agonizing, I must admit as it was; as I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing things I want to do and things that I know are good for me. But there are days......where I just wish I could have him back again one last time, so that I can try to change the outcome. It's crazy, I know because I do realize this is a problem that is beyond my control.

It's just that sometimes, when I let my imagination get the best of me, I tell myself stories of how he's probably got this great life happening, a fresh start and that maybe he's met someone that's so wonderful he would be willing to go and get help for his problem. I know that the last time I talked to him he told me the drinking hadn't stopped, so it's not likely he's having this wildly exciting life that I have imagined.

Again, I'm so grateful to be included in this forum where it's obvious that others understand and have gone through similar experiences. It helps to keep things in perspective.
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:26 PM
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Again I can relate. Except my exabf was TELLING me how great his life was. How happy his was and what a fresh start he has now. And that was almost as bad as if he had spit in my face.

That was the reason I had to stop talking to him. Its almost as if he enjoyed hurting me like that. Then I made the mistake of telling him that he hurt me by saying those things and he said he said them out of anger.

It really doesnt matter they are only trying to convince themselves that they are happy. We know that not to be true because otherwise they wouldnt be using/drinking. I know that its been said before but I will say it again because its so true.

Dont believe a word that comes out of their mouths. QUACK QUACK QUACK....Thats all it is. Until their ACTIONS prove what they are saying then its all just BS. Keep telling yourself that. I have to keep telling myself that everyday every word that keeps quacking out of his mouth is all bs.......
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:42 PM
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So true, so true. At the time that you are listening to them talk about their wonderful life, it's so believable, but as you say.....if they were so damn happy, why would they be needing a painkiller like alcohol? I finally stopped answering the calls, because after the last call that was so disrespectful, I couldn't chance having him devastate me like that again. I felt like I'd gone right back to square one in the grieving process. After 3-4 weeks he started calling again, but not leaving messages. I could recognize the number on call display. As much as part of me wanted to talk to him, just in case...... I refused to let myself take the chance of him venting his anger. I had been so respectful throughout the break-up, and there hadn't been a harsh word spoken during the 2 months that he called me daily, so there was no excuse for that last nasty call; he just ruined it all with the total lack of respect and by being very crude. I knew he was drinking at the time, but there was no excuse for the way he talked to me. I figure if he really has something important to say, he can leave a message, write an email or a letter. And the only reason I want to hear from him is if he's cleaned up his act.
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:43 AM
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Keep that up. No contact is protecting YOURSELF. When my exabf left he told everyone in the family that we just didnt get along. And I have tried to maintain a friendly relationship for the kids' sake and because I was hoping that somewhere in all of this he would get help and we could rebuild our family.

But now he has become so mean and nasty that I cant even talk nicely to him. That is rage. From what I have been told addicts on pills are extremely angry.

My mother was a raging alcoholic and would say the nastiest things to me. So I can understand how it feels. But also know that they on some level wanna bring everyone down to where they are. They are misreable and they know it that is why they continue to use/drink. I think in my ex's case its much easier to hold onto the rage because otherwise he wouldnt even be able to deal with it.

Today is the day he says he is going to rehab. They was he talks about it you would think he was going on vacation.

The best advice I can give you is not to accept any phone calls FOR ANY REASON. Send him a message loud and clear that you will not accept that kind of behavior. Send yourself a message loud and clear that you will not accept being treated like that and you deserve more.

Good luck...Keep posting....
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:40 AM
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I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I'm not sure where I'm getting the strength from but it must be my HP because in the past, I would have picked up on the first rinig, if it was from him. I would have been sitting there waiting for it to ring. However, I finally learned that the calls only bring more pain. I've finally come to the place where I do feel like I deserve so much more than verbal abuse and a few moments here and there when he treats me with respect.

A counsellor once said to me: "Do you want the crumbs under the table or the full banquet." That has really stuck with me.

As much as we want to magically think they could come back and things could be different, unless they decide to get help, they are full of rage. They are angry because they can't get a handle on their problem and we only remind them of that fact. They can't stand up to the plate and be the person they were intended to be. And they feel helpless.

I will feel a little less sad today because of all the support I am finding in this Forum. It helps to know I'm not alone and how all of our lives have been so impacted by living with this disease.
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Old 11-12-2008, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by prairiegirl View Post
A counsellor once said to me: "Do you want the crumbs under the table or the full banquet." That has really stuck with me.



Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today!
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Old 11-12-2008, 09:01 AM
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Welcome PrairieGirl, Sorry for what you are going through right now. But things have a way of working out for the best, but it does take time. I still feel sad that things didn't work out in my first marriage to an alcoholic. I so wanted the live happily ever after. That was many years ago now, I have survived, it was hard on my children, their Dad not being there for them. The program has really helped all my family with acceptance.
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