AHA Moment
 

I was able to fit in 2 therapy sessions this week. At the first session earlier in the week, I was able to admit that when I was in the relationship with and living with my EXABF that there were 2 codependent, drama seeking, addicts (I’m addicted to food and my EXABF is addicted to alcohol) involved in that relationship. Later in the week at the second session, I was such a mess and couldn’t quit crying. I now understand that I am not only dealing with codepency issues, a food addiction, a drama addiction....but was also addicted to my EXABF and his rollar coaster emotional ride from hell. The last one was really hard for me to admit and literally caused me to break down in front of my psychologist. Anyway, my psychologist asked me…..”Have you been compulsively overeating lately?” I told her no, that I hadn’t done so since I went to my first OA meeting back in September. Now, every time I even think about abusing myself by compulsively overeating, the image of my EXABF hiding vodka in a liter water bottle and drinking it like it was water in front of me stops me in my tracks. I refuse to abuse myself any longer. My psychologist then tells me….."It is no wonder that you are freaking out right now. For the first time in your life you are actually FEELING and DEALING with your problems without using food to numb out.” I’ve never been at a place in my life in which I could actually really love myself enough not to abuse myself with food, but I am now. I now understand why we addicts use our substance of choice (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) to numb out and until we are ready to learn how to love ourselves and to learn how to face our feelings and problems without the extra help of our substance of choice…..the unhealthy cycle will continue. The difference for me is….I’m finally at a place where I am determined to break my insane cycle of self abuse. Just had to share my "Aha Moment".

:ghug :ghug

Those aha moments can be pretty overwhelming, can't they?! I know how uncomfortable it can be to have all those emotions come flooding out.

Be proud of yourself for the progress you have made! :ghug

Thank you for sharing that. I, too, am finding that the healthier I get, the more emotions I'm having. It seems like I went for a couple YEARS without a good cry. Now I see that I was just numb.

When I'm really breaking through on something, I feel like my heart is soft and opened up. I know that this is the form love of myself is taking, so I no longer freak out about it. And I cry a lot. It gets all of the poisons out of me, and I can stand in the morning light fresh and hopeful.

Hugs to you for this post, CNMC2C. I really needed it this morning. (I'm having one of those days too!!)