miss communicat

hi everyone,

I am writing for my AA friend, who doesn't have a computer. he has a troubling situation and has asked me for input, and in turn I am going to ask for input from people here, because you are the experts on stuff like this.

in a nutshell:

my AA friend has 2 teenaged sons, and they both drink and drug. there are other deep family problems, its very toxic. as a result of the now sober AA guy's divorce, and conditions he ended up in, the children live (in the same town) at their maternal grandparents' home, who also drink, smoke pot, are dysfunctional and condone the drinking/drugging behavior. in fact, their home is a gathering place for ongoing partying. and, the mother is active in alcoholism.

my friend is sober in AA and wants to intervene, in the hopes that he can somehow get his kids to turn around. he said that, if his youngest son (15) gets drunk one more time, he will call the police and have him arrested for underaged drinking. which will trickle up to the adults in charge, which he also hopes will happen.

the boys fight all the time, there is verbal abuse and, in general, a world of hurt. his own relationship with his boys is only slowly mending after much strain from his years of untreated alcoholism.

3 nights ago he called the police because youngest son (drunk) got verbally abusive and threatened to harm the family. The police took him away and he spent a night at the hospital under observation. Now the whole sick family is angry at him for turning them in. His boys will not speak to him.

His question to you all:

1. Did he do the right thing?
2. Did he betray their trust?
3. Was there any other alternative for him?

now.

I hear you. I am also in AlAnon, and realise its very codie of me to even be writing this for my friend. i'm aware of that.

I have drawn a clear boundary for myself that, after this posting, he is on his own,(!) and he will be reading this thread and responding to your replies. I will not.

Thank you all. Miss C

Stubborn1

He should find a library and post himself. I can't answer because I would so far up my young sons butt that he wouldn't be able to drink alcohol or he would be in a program so fast his head would spend. I don't think I would have called the police but I for sure would have put in a facility for teens with issues.
This child apparently has things going on that are too much for him.

laurie6781

Okay Miss C, you did do the right thing......................you asked.

Early in recovery and up to about 5 years or so, even after being in Alanon for over 2 years, I heard over and over........ that we DON'T 12 STEP THOSE WE ARE EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO. Today I live by that for obvious and not so obvious reasons.

So, yes He did the correct thing. The next correct thing is for him to get to Alanon in addition to his AA. Most here know that I am a long timer in both, rofl and there are many more besides me.

I truly understand his deep concern about his children, and the next step may just be to call CPS. I hate doing that, but have done it, and will do it again, if a child is in jeopardy and it sounds like these boys are.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

I agree with Laurie-- he could really use the support of AlAnon!

His intention is to get help for his son. Can he communicate that directly to his son without all the anger? Can he engage his son at all in seeing that he is heading down an unhealthy road? Ask his son what HIS plans are?

Before he turns 18 your friend might have certain avenues available to him to force his son into treatment - after 18 that window of opportunity is gone. As we all know we can lead a horse to water but he may not drink- so a stint in rehab might or might not help this child - your friend can only do his best and then...step off and work on not being an enabler...

very sad -
his continued recovery is a great example for his boys - they just might not be ready to emulate it yet.
peace-
B.

deezaldog

Your friend has a very bothersome problem. If he does not intervene how will he feel later on? When a person threatens harm it should never be taken lightly. I would have called the police as well. As a recovering alcoholic speaking, I really would not give two hoots if another practicing alcoholic was upset with me. They are not thinking with a clear head. He is dealing with immature teens who are incapable of making rational decisions. He is the father and he wants to do what is right, then he should do it while he can. After 18 they are on their own. I hope his head takes over and guides him in the right direction. Most of all I hope those boys get the healthy environment they desperately need. If it was me, I would turn those adults in for contributing to a minor, no matter who these adults are. God bless.

CatsPajamas

I had similar experience a few years ago. I realized I couldn't do anything about the situation away from my house, but I set very firm boundaries for my home and my property.

I also made it VERY clear that I don't do bail for drugs or drunken driving.

My sons learned to work fairly well within the boundaries.

Good luck,this is a difficult situation for all.

Cats

denny57

In my opinion:

1. Yes
2. No
3. There are always a number of ways to do something. What matters is picking what seems to be the right one at the time. Sometimes I don't know if it was right until I'm farther down the road.

I also recommend Al Anon.

Jazzman

1) I believe that as parents our first responsibility to our children is their safety so yes, I think he did the right thing. A parent must insert them selves in between underage drinking or illegal drug use, regardless if the outcome results in ruffled relationship feathers.

2) see answer to 1

3) see answer to 1

londonvanpelt

Your friend did the right thing. I worked with a recovering alcoholic a few years ago. He told me he son did something illegal, so he called the police and had him arrested. He said he did it to not enable his son. His son later thanked him for making him see the light. I guess it's the codependency that doesn't want our children to hate us parents, but they will love us later when they realize we may have saved them from more dangerous paths down the road. A "healthy" minded person would thank the other for not enabling and seeing that their own behavior caused the consequences not the person reporting.

miss communicat

I am the friend of Miss C.

Thank you everyone. I was feeling very unsure after the fact of what I did. Some AA men supported it but the people I love inmy family are very hurt by me now. I know I need to go to AlAnon. I went once and have not gone back because my AA program takes up all my time these days. I hit at least 1 AA meeting a day now.

I think I will come here to SR more.

Thanks again.

the friend