He is in Jail
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
He is in Jail
Everything seemed fine the past few weeks. We hung out last weekend and he was sober. It was nice. We talked briefly yesterday while he was at work and he sounded good then as well. I have been doing very well. I am getting work done, I just won an award (yay!), and I have been socializing more.
I just got home from class and there was a message on my answering machine - a collect call from an inmate. I called him at work, but he hasn't come into work yet, so it has to be him (who else would it be???). He was in jail before because of a DUI issue, so I have been here before.
I want to be mad and frantic and try to find his friends who might know what's up. Instead I made some coffee and came here. There is nothing I can do. I will go about my day as I had planned. I will not freak out over this because at this point I don't even know what's up. Of course I am thinking that he got paid yesterday and this has something to do with alcohol and drugs, but then what's the point of speculating.
I am upset (and crying), I am not going to lie and once I find out what is going on, I might turn into mother hen again who will fight them all to get the poor man out of trouble. Maybe I should not pick up the phone, but I won't be able to not find out what is going on.
I can't believe this. On the other hand, perhaps it's what was needed. But really, I cannot believe this.
I just got home from class and there was a message on my answering machine - a collect call from an inmate. I called him at work, but he hasn't come into work yet, so it has to be him (who else would it be???). He was in jail before because of a DUI issue, so I have been here before.
I want to be mad and frantic and try to find his friends who might know what's up. Instead I made some coffee and came here. There is nothing I can do. I will go about my day as I had planned. I will not freak out over this because at this point I don't even know what's up. Of course I am thinking that he got paid yesterday and this has something to do with alcohol and drugs, but then what's the point of speculating.
I am upset (and crying), I am not going to lie and once I find out what is going on, I might turn into mother hen again who will fight them all to get the poor man out of trouble. Maybe I should not pick up the phone, but I won't be able to not find out what is going on.
I can't believe this. On the other hand, perhaps it's what was needed. But really, I cannot believe this.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
As a fellow codie, I'm sure the urge to fix things is capable of consuming you. BUT, he may not learn the lessons he needs to learn if you do anything to make this easier for him or enable him, ya know?
Just take care of yourself and do the next right thing for YOU. I'm sure you'll know what happened soon enough.
(((((((((((((( Kimmie ))))))))))))))))
Just take care of yourself and do the next right thing for YOU. I'm sure you'll know what happened soon enough.
(((((((((((((( Kimmie ))))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you all so much for your encouragement! I just heard from him and the case has already been dismissed and he is about to go to work. He was at the bar and on his way home, he was harassed by a few drunk college kids (happens all the time here). The cop who came arrested him, but not the other guys. It went before the judge this morning and he dismissed the case.
So it's over and done with except that he will talk to his lawyer about suing the cop for arresting him and not the other party (it happens a lot in this town that college kids get away with lots of things while the cops are hard on black men). If there was injustice, I am all for addressing that. But he needs to own up to the fact that problems like this are usually a consequence of his drinking.
I AM proud of myself! I have come a long way. And it was a great relief to be able to come here and write and read instead of pacing and making phone calls. Thank you all! I am by no means out of the woods, but I am learning from all your stories and feel supported by the encouragement, so I can have the patience to take it one step at a time!
So it's over and done with except that he will talk to his lawyer about suing the cop for arresting him and not the other party (it happens a lot in this town that college kids get away with lots of things while the cops are hard on black men). If there was injustice, I am all for addressing that. But he needs to own up to the fact that problems like this are usually a consequence of his drinking.
I AM proud of myself! I have come a long way. And it was a great relief to be able to come here and write and read instead of pacing and making phone calls. Thank you all! I am by no means out of the woods, but I am learning from all your stories and feel supported by the encouragement, so I can have the patience to take it one step at a time!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It does not surprise me that he has painted this as not being his fault at all.
I have also lived in sucky towns that did racial profiling, but never heard of someone being arrested for walking on by his/her hecklers and going home. Sounds like he chose to engage with them, and that's never a good idea.....like you said, a consequence of his drinking.
That cranky thing said, I'm so proud you were able to just keep your head. This is not your doing, but his. I thank god every day for coffee and for SR.
Tell us about your award, KimmieH -- we want to know some GOOD stuff too :ghug3
I have also lived in sucky towns that did racial profiling, but never heard of someone being arrested for walking on by his/her hecklers and going home. Sounds like he chose to engage with them, and that's never a good idea.....like you said, a consequence of his drinking.
That cranky thing said, I'm so proud you were able to just keep your head. This is not your doing, but his. I thank god every day for coffee and for SR.
Tell us about your award, KimmieH -- we want to know some GOOD stuff too :ghug3
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Kimmieh my dear, well done.
You stopped yourself from preventing a crisis. That is so crucial for your recovery. Well Done. You should be proud of yourself.
When i had a moment of strength, I used that a launch pad for more healthy behavior...REMEMBER you getting healthy is the BEST thing you can do for you and him...even if he is not in your life.
Like some here have said, you could rescue someone to death if you don't.
Hugs!
You stopped yourself from preventing a crisis. That is so crucial for your recovery. Well Done. You should be proud of yourself.
When i had a moment of strength, I used that a launch pad for more healthy behavior...REMEMBER you getting healthy is the BEST thing you can do for you and him...even if he is not in your life.
Like some here have said, you could rescue someone to death if you don't.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you for being so encouraging! It really really means a lot!
Oh, I am not surprised either that he puts the blame on others. Absolutely right, He engaged in the drama and had he been sober, he wouldn't have or would have done it differently. I agree that they should have arrested both, but this shouldn't have happened in the first place. But he does not see it that way. And the first thing on his mind when he got out was alcohol.
I picked him up from jail because his ride fell through (not out of the woods yet...) and he asked me to stop to get cigarettes. He also picked up a can of jim beam and coke and opened it in the car. I told him that he is not going to drink it in my car. I said I do not pick him up from jail for him to do something illegal in my car with me driving it. It's just so frustrating to see how this freaking disease makes him a selfish jerk - had I told him three months ago that he would put me at risk legally with no second thoughts, he would have said I am nuts. He left the car, finished the can in less than a minute and came back in.
I dropped him off at home. I told him that I don't want to be around him and asked why he kept telling me how he wants pot when he knows that I don't like it. I am so glad I have my home to go to. He will get wasted tonight and feel justified in doing so. He wants to take me out for dinner tomorrow, but I don't see that yet. I don't know if I want to. I couldn't stand the dry drunk in my car today. And I suppose that this is another little step. I can say that I couldn't stand him without trying to make excuses. He was rude and selfish and I freaking deserve better.
Ok, one thing at a time. I don't have to make big decisions right now because I am in my little home bubble, lit a vanilla candle, had yummy Thai food and will now read a book.
Thank you all so much! You are always there for the rescue! :ghug3
PS: Aw, thanks for asking about the award, GiveLove! I am in grad school and the award is for outstanding achievements. I am so happy about it! I can't wait to tell my parents because they wonder why I am STILL in school!
Oh, I am not surprised either that he puts the blame on others. Absolutely right, He engaged in the drama and had he been sober, he wouldn't have or would have done it differently. I agree that they should have arrested both, but this shouldn't have happened in the first place. But he does not see it that way. And the first thing on his mind when he got out was alcohol.
I picked him up from jail because his ride fell through (not out of the woods yet...) and he asked me to stop to get cigarettes. He also picked up a can of jim beam and coke and opened it in the car. I told him that he is not going to drink it in my car. I said I do not pick him up from jail for him to do something illegal in my car with me driving it. It's just so frustrating to see how this freaking disease makes him a selfish jerk - had I told him three months ago that he would put me at risk legally with no second thoughts, he would have said I am nuts. He left the car, finished the can in less than a minute and came back in.
I dropped him off at home. I told him that I don't want to be around him and asked why he kept telling me how he wants pot when he knows that I don't like it. I am so glad I have my home to go to. He will get wasted tonight and feel justified in doing so. He wants to take me out for dinner tomorrow, but I don't see that yet. I don't know if I want to. I couldn't stand the dry drunk in my car today. And I suppose that this is another little step. I can say that I couldn't stand him without trying to make excuses. He was rude and selfish and I freaking deserve better.
Ok, one thing at a time. I don't have to make big decisions right now because I am in my little home bubble, lit a vanilla candle, had yummy Thai food and will now read a book.
Thank you all so much! You are always there for the rescue! :ghug3
PS: Aw, thanks for asking about the award, GiveLove! I am in grad school and the award is for outstanding achievements. I am so happy about it! I can't wait to tell my parents because they wonder why I am STILL in school!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Shoot, kimmie, I'll still be in grad school in my 50's..... I'm enrolled in Freedom1990's School of Hot Mama Mature College Graduates 
Way to go. You rock.
p.s. if he's drinking beam, he's no dry drunk. Sigh.
Way to go. You rock.
p.s. if he's drinking beam, he's no dry drunk. Sigh.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Shoot, kimmie, I'll still be in grad school in my 50's..... I'm enrolled in Freedom1990's School of Hot Mama Mature College Graduates
Way to go. You rock.
p.s. if he's drinking beam, he's no dry drunk. Sigh.
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