Reddmax

Hey all,

I have a specific question on how to handle a situation that I know is coming. As you all know, the AW relapsed. She also went on a business trip yesterday, and will be returning today. Okay, we have a tradition that when one or the other of us is gone, we call at bedtime to discuss the day. She didn't call last night. While I don't have any proof, my guess is that she drank last night in quantities that would have been apparent to casual conversation.

So my question is, when I go home and see her, what do I do? Just ignore my gut feeling, do I try and discuss it, or ?

Any input would be nice.

Redd

ANGELINA243

If it is a "tradition" that you both have to speak with each other, then there would be no harm asking what happened last night....why didn't she call? You don't have to ask in an accusive manner--you can say you were really concerned when you didn't hear from her...thought something bad might have happened. I would ask. Any changes in a routine (which you both agreed upon previously) shouldn't be overlooked or ignored now.

LaTeeDa

What do you hope to accomplish by discussing it? Seems like an opportunity for detachment.

L

denny57

I got to a point where I felt ridiculous trying to talk about something (the alcoholism) that had been addressed a million times before. I eventually felt shame over allowing myself to be treated so disrespectfully.

I would consider I was being sent a very clear message from someone on just how much they respected "our tradition." In my case, I now believe xAH was looking for me to end the relationship because he would or could not.

Good luck, Redd.

laurie6781

What would be the point?

I thought you were moving the rest of your things to your new place and leaving.

You know she's relapsed. You know the detox was just to 'appease' you. You know she is not ready to commit to sobriety.......................................... so why are you still there???

Love and hugs,

sslusser

I agree with Denny. If it is a known tradition and she stepped all over it like that her actions show where her head lies.

A discussion would at best bring an apology and at worst an argument. It seems to me that neither would bring the peace you hope for.

Reddmax

All,

Great advice. She has made her choices, and I'll have to make mine.

Redd

MsPINKAcres

Redd

I agree with lots of the stuff mention here - what helps me to know whether I should discuss things is I ask myself -

am I going to believe the answers?

will I spend more time trying to disprove the excuses?

will the questions lead to inner peace for me or stir up more doubt and disgust?

Depending on the answers to those questions - then usually I know whether I need to discuss the topic or not.

Usually I never get past the 1st one, why ask if I'm never going to believe what they say anyway.

Wishing you Serenity, Love & Joy as you walk your path to a life that is Happy, Joyous and Free,
Rita

blessed4x

Are you wanting to ask in an effort to control her? Obviously by now you know that there just is no "figuring out" why they do what they do. Maybe she was drunk, maybe she was with someone else, maybe she got busy watching a TV show, maybe she was being passive-agressive.......you'll likely never know the truth, and would it change anything for you if you did?

It has been a struggle, and I still occasionally backslide, but I have gotten to the place where I don't even ask. My AH left the other night and did not come back until the next day. I went on about my business. I didn't call (even though I admit he never answers his cell anyway), didn't ask where he was when I got home from work and he was there. It's his business and he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions......which will ultimately be losing his wife, kids, and if he continues to drink and drive his liscense and job.

I think it's time for you to start focusing on wonderful you.

hello-kitty

Have you heard the saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?"

We only get one life and we can choose to lead it however we want. Focus on being who you are and doing what you want to do. And let your wife do what she wants to do. You can't force her to change or make her be someone other than who she is. The only person you can change is you.

Silverberry1331

((REDD)))

I am inclined to agree with our dear friends above. There is no point in rehashing this with her. If she is active again, there is nothing that will await you except more lies, manipulations, and crappy feelings. I speak from experience.