LaTeeDa

I’ve been thinking about this lately, plus there have been some threads on the topic, so I decided to put my thoughts out here for discussion.

In my mind, the question is not why do I attract unhealthy people, but why am I attracted to unhealthy people? When I decided to start dating, I was still seeing my therapist, so I think that helped me sort through things in some ways. I remember catching myself thinking about things like: “what will my friends think of this guy?” So, not only was I worried about pleasing someone I hardly knew yet, I was worried about how dating him would please the people I already knew. What about me? Why wasn’t I thinking about what would please me?

Now, I admit that I am one of those people who really likes to have someone special in my life. I prefer it to being alone, so that probably explains why I started dating only a few months after officially deciding that my marriage was over. I don’t really think there is a standard amount of time that’s required to get healthy enough to move on. It definitely varies from person to person. There are many variables. In my case, I think I began the process of detachment and moving on long before I actually did it. I also believe that my recovery was somewhat accelerated both by a really good therapist, and an intense desire to figure out what went wrong—with me, not him. And in some ways, dating, and looking inward to my thoughts and reactions as I was doing it, helped me grow.

In any case, I still found myself falling back into the same thinking patterns that got me into trouble in the first place. So, now that I’ve been seeing the same guy for more than a year, I’ve been contemplating a little about how I managed to find myself in a relationship with a loving, respectful, non-addicted person, and also how it’s lasted this long and still remained enjoyable and fulfilling.

So, at least for me, I think the main thing that’s changed is that, while I like having someone special in my life, I don’t feel a desperate need. I prefer it, but I can honestly say that if the person I am seeing turns out not to be the person I want in my life, I could let him go. I would not even hesitate to move on. Now, to some, this may seem cold, but I know in my heart that I will not try to make him into what I want him to be, or spend any of my precious life trying to control someone to meet my needs. If our paths diverge, I will have some wonderful, warm, fun, tender memories and be grateful for that. If we continue to be good together, I will continue to be grateful every day for the gifts he brings to my life. This, I think is the difference in me now.

I hope others will share their thoughts on this important topic.

L

blessed4x

Thanks for posting this. I sometimes feel like I left this relationship a while back. I read others post about their unending love and committment for their partners and think there must be something wrong with me that I couldn't love "until death do us part". In a way though we were parted by death, just not the physical kind.

I'm anxious to read others input about moving on after divorce. I can't envision growing old alone. Not because I need someone else to feel whole, but because, like you, I enjoy companionship.....something I haven't consistently had in the 21 years I've invested with my AH.

lizw

I've never married an A but all my relationships have been with them (3).
My last one was with a guy addicted to internet porn, which in some way was an improvement as he was the only man I ever dated who wasn't an alkie.

I've been single a year now and I'm not back dating nor do I have any plans to.

The biggest change for me is that I don't see a relationship as the most important thing in my life anymore. I've wasted a lot of my life in sick relationships and my daughter is now a teenager so IMO now I get to kick back and do things I've always wanted to do.

And, yep, I am still going to Al Anon and always plan to be.
I don't think there will ever come a day when I will be 'cured' of my codependency.

peaceteach

Hi LTD,

I think I know what you are trying to share. For me, I have been involved (finally!) with a very wonderful and nice man whom I knew from way back in high school. He is not an addict or alcoholic, and was divorced over a year ago.

I worry sometimes that I also feel like you, that this is a really great relationship I'm having, but that I would not fall apart or feel like life was over if it didn't work out. I believe that it is part maturity/part holding a piece of myself back due to my bad experience with my alcoholic exhusband. The mature woman in me knows that you can't maintain that crazy-fun, can't wait to be together intensity in a long-term relationship, and that it is okay to not lose yourself in someone else. The history-damaged part of me knows that I am only cheating myself if I hold back from allowing myself to just let go and love again, that life is risky sometimes but can be full of rewards if I just let go of the past. Even my boyfriend says that if for some reason we stopped seeing each other tomorrow, he'd always be grateful for what a great time we've had so far. I think we both are approaching this with a level of calm, rational-thinking and maturity. I still have that youthful "wow" going on so far with him, but it is always tempered with memories and, well, just life.

This is my first relationship since getting divorced over 4 years ago and being separated before that. I knew my picker was badly broken .... so I really wasn't even looking and this guy came and found me and it really did seem to be like a gift from my HP. That is where I am going with my life at this point, just trying to recognize the hand of my HP and be grateful and open to trusting Him, trusting the Universe, and trusting myself to know what is right for ME. I figure as long as I'm enjoying the relationship, I must be on the right path.

embraced2000

thanks for the post, L. i reckon that since the experience of alcoholism, i will always wonder about my choices now. it's interesting to also consider what part the addiction played into my choice with my ex. what if it had just been a not so good relationship??? would i still be just as skittish?

good topic.....am anxious to read others replies.

jeri

Jazzman

I've had many relationships with many types of women. I've had periods of long terms and periods of being single. Over the years I've learned there are certain personality types I mix well with, and other types that are not such a good mix. For me, I do better with the independent type that isn't needy or suffocating. I just had learn that lesson a couple times before it sunk in! LOL!!!

Pajarito

I don't think this is abnormal at all. My therapist brought this up with me a while ago. I hadn't realized it, but I was slowly withdrawing from STBXAH maybe a year before he decided he wanted to separate. It was a year that was especially bad. It's sad, but in some ways I see I was giving up. I had put so much energy into "us" that was not being reciprocated, that I was exhausted. I don't think there was anything wrong with me- I was responding to a situation that was becoming increasingly hard to live in- and I suppose he was too. I chose to get off the merry-go-round. He chose to move on with another woman.

I personally am choosing not to date- not that I've had any offers! ;o) But, I do one day hope to be involved with someone who is what I am trying to cultivate in myself- confidence, kindness, compassion, respect, etc. Right now I just don't feel ready. I'd like to repair my picker first!

Thank you for sharing LTD- I'm always interested in how people are moving on after divorce from an alcoholic.

LaTeeDa

I guess what I was trying to communicate is that my view of what an intimate relationship is has changed. I am past that giddy phase and maybe that's why I've been so instrospective about it lately. I no longer see a relationship as something I need, or something I would turn myself inside out over. It's a wonderful luxury, like artwork or antiques, that enhances my life. It's optional, not mandatory. And I don't have the desire to control it and force my expectations on it.

And I am content to see him for who he is, rather than try to make him into who I might want him to be. All the while knowing that I have a choice.

L

Bernadette

I was so lost in codie-mania in my marriage I didn't have a clue what a healthy relationship was. I just knew: mine ain't it - mine was a recreation of the codie/alkie dynamic I learned from my parents. And 7 years of trying to "fix" my exH or get him to "just see!" had led me to a black hole of misery and loneliness.

AlAnon gave me the perspective I so desperately needed and the tools to step way the f&*^ off of exH's side of the street. Once I had that perspective (hello REALITY!) and could see and accept him for exactly who he was - who he had always been - and who, it turns out 10 years later, HE STILL IS (so glad I got out!) I started to have the room in my brain to get better for me.

Also CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) changed some BIG bad habits of thinking for me. I highly recommend it. I found a low-cost clinic at a University near my kids school. Lifesaver.

Once I did this REAL work, like seriously disciplined myself to change those codie habits of mind (and it is not a destination as we know but a journey with sometimes daily struggles!!!) I noticed I was looking at men way differently. As I changed my thinking and consciousness I noticed I was attracted to guys who were not "my type." A girlfriend said "Good for you! If your type has always screwed you over it's time to date against your type!"

I had a year and half relationship with a wonderful guy, a healthy, responsible, emotionally available guy. It helped to restore my coinfidence- both in my attractiveness & sexuality and in my new found judgement of what I wanted in a man. And I think because like LTD and PeaceTeach I wasn't clinging onto the relationship or the idea of the relationship or trying to make it into something or believe it was something other than a daily interest and commitment to enjoying this other person, just as he was, it was a very healthy and healing experience.

He took a job across the country. We tried a little long distance stuff but we could see our lives were diverging. Broke up. Very sad. Very blue. But not a wreck.. Mature. Philisophical. Grateful more than anything to know that I was capable of accepting a man for who he was exactly and not who I wanted him to be. I was really changing!

Then I met my current partner. We were friends for about 5 months before we dated. I realized during my divorce that my friends were so amazing and supportive and loving, and so I had an excellent judgement about friendship. I discussed this in therapy and the therapist gave me some great advice and guidelines for looking at potential romantic partners in a similar way.

So as my relationship progresses with my current BF I pay attention to two things above all:
Am I working towards my own goals, every day, even if in baby steps?
Am I being a good friend?

And because I fixed my way of thinking about relationships I was attracted to a man who is present, always, as my friend! So he responds when I say something. I can come to him and say this or that is bothering me about us or you and he actually listens and he responds!! And vice versa. We are equally responsive, we are present and available, and like good friends we do things frequently to make each other happy and to make each other laugh. It is awesome. He is such a godsend to me and the boys.

It is because of who he is as well- naturally there are things about him that annoy me - but OMG they are things I can accept 100% and just deal with cuz I know he is doing the same for me. My healthier brain chose someone who I CAN be my better self with.

I never could have done this with my ExH - it wasn't just that I needed to get off the codie merry-go-round it was that he was a really, really unconscious, unwilling to change, inconsiderate, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. He brought out the worst, the very worst, in me: the controlling codie.

And if I chose to give my heart to another guy like my ExH - I guarantee - even with all the work I have done on myself, even if I could muster all the dtachment in the world, it would make me sick to live with a person like that. I just would not do that to myself ever again.

My current relationship is working because I am trying, taking care of myself and doing things that make my partner happy and me happy, and then reaping the benefits of his positive responses and his trying to make me happy. He is present, engaged and responsive. Something that no amount of time or wishful thinking on my part could have made my Ex. And once I got serious with myself and said B, what you seem to want in your life is a good friend, loyal, responsive, emotionally engaged, fun to be with, kind....well that's when I found that attractive!

So the two things work together - I did need to do the heavy lifting of getting out of my impossible marriage - it simply WAS NOT GOING TO WORK - and of fixing my warped codie ways of thinking - and then as important EYES WIDE OPEN choosing to date men who I could accept just the way they are and who posess those qualities I realize I need so I don't become my own worst nightmare in a relationship! I need to stay AWAY from people who are toxic and bring out the worst in me, I owe that to myself and my kids.

If time and tide should lead us apart I will work on having the grace to accept that and to be grateful for each marvelous day we've shared and for our struggles too, and not get nutty clinging to something as it goes over a cliff! I don't think that is cold LTD- it is essential to living in the present moment, in REALITY!

Peace-
B.

LaTeeDa

Exactly.

L

GiveLove

LTD,

I had some similar things happen to me, and it is easily the biggest relief of my life not to "crave" romantic relationships as though my entire life depended on them.

My picker was broken in this way: I felt that the only people who could truly understand me, truly love me without judgment, were the people who had gone through the same bad childhood and traumas that I had.

They were strong, interesting, fun, and "got" me because they were just as damaged as me, but were still alive and going. I found "normal" people boring and unattractive. How could they ever understand me?

I didn't realize that by pre-selecting people who'd been through bad things, I was only attracting people who were damaged, and most of them dependent on drugs, alcohol, sex, or other substances to get through their day.

I also had no idea of my own dealbreakers until I was probably 35. Because I was so terrified of being alone all my life, I was willing to tolerate a host of lousy stuff like verbal abuse, cheating, irresponsibility, lying, and overall dishonesty. I figured: even being with a bad person was better than being alone.

I'm no longer in that mindset, having come through a lot of different recovery activities, among them Al-Anon, good counseling, volunteer work, self-knowledge and self-help books, journaling, etc.

I'm in a relationship now, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if it were to go bad, or if I were to be rejected by him, sure, I would be sad for a while but then would be able to pick up and move on with no problems.

My life is bigger than that now. There are a lot of things and people I love. I have lots of reasons for having been put here on this planet, and they keep me busy. I already don't have enough time to get it all done before I die -- I sure don't have time for pining

That's my two cents....

prodigal

Excellent topic, LTD. I'm glad OUR recovery is being addressed here. I "separated" from AH a year ago. I moved all my belongings over to the other side of our home. No fanfare, No drama. Kinda like that poem that goes, "This is the way the world shall end; not with a bang, but a whimper."

However, I wasn't whimpering. I just let it all go. On Tuesday, I start a job as a pharmacy tech. Getting ANY job in a town with a 20 percent unemployment rate is a feat. I pay my own bills. I pursue my own interests. I have my own friends. And I stay on my side of the street.

Will I choose, somewhere in the future, to have another relationship? I don't think so. And I don't say that out of bitterness or a lack of confidence. I enjoy living alone. Heck, I've gone on trips, out to dinner, the movies, etc. alone for over two years.

I agree with you that a good therapist and taking time to be introspective is very important. I realized in this failed relationship, I was recreating the same dynamics I lived with in my childhood home. And I wasn't going to fix that ancient history, nor was I going to fix current history.

However, I WAS going to fix me, with the tools available. I still have residual anger over some of the insane stuff AH pulled. But today I realize I took part in the insanity by remaining in "victim mode" for many, many years.

My main focus today is to pay down as much credit card debt as possible in the next 12 months. In May, I will receive my bachelor's degree. Even in this rotten economy, I plan to work with the job counselors, who offer their services for free to University of Maryland grads. It may take 3-6 months for me to get gainful, full-time employment, even in the greater D.C. area. But I have a plan in place to do so.

Looking back over my life, I had a boatload of unhealthy relationships, some more so than others. Regardless, I feel good about my decision to move on, move out, and take time just to enjoy my own company.

LaTeeDa

Thank you for bringing up the R word, lol. It is a very important part of why I accepted the unacceptable, and did crazy things trying to hold things together. Fear of rejection. I'm not saying I've completely come to terms with it, but the thought of being rejected no longer makes me question who I am.

L

denny57

I've had two "serious" relationships in my life. The first, from age 21 to 24. He was lovely, but drank and did coke. All my friends did then so I didn't think much of it. Today I know he was an addict. The relationship died a natural death. Didn't have contact for years, but recently spoke and he has been sober about 14 years.

From 24 to 31 I dated a lot of really wonderful men. Didn't "pick" any of them to have a serious relationship with, though. Wasn't interested in settling down, getting married.

At 31 I met xAH and spent the next 18 years with him.

So, yeah, I think my picker was broken LOL!

For the last year and a half or so I have again dated some wonderful men. Thank god, this time I've appreciated them.

Today I am very happy with the love I have in my life.

I am still working on why I chose 2 addicts for my serious relationships yet casually dated super nice guys; my guess at this point is I thought love relationships had to involve high drama; who knows. Truth is, though, it's starting to not matter - the why of that. What matters today is that I not do it again. I can't imagine it.