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I am at a loss for words or what to do

Old 11-06-2008, 07:20 AM
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I am at a loss for words or what to do

As some of you will know my AH is a binge alcoholic that has even got into cocaine... We have been married for 5 years and I finally got the strength to kick him out .... he was out for a month and I let him back in on the fact that he was to go to his classes and no alcohol in our house or in his work truck... It has been since last Friday and he has yet to go to any classes and I havent seen any alcohol ..one point for him... I dont feel like I need to be reminding him to go to AA so I have been biting my tongue...

It is just so hard to believe w/o seeing bc he has been so sweet to me but that isnt anything new.. am I wrong to want to kick him back out bc he may not be drinking but he isnt showing me he wants to help himslef with his AA classes .. He went for about a month 6 months ago so I know they help him ... Is him not going to classes showing me he doesnt want to or isnt ready to change..... the harsh truth hurts but it is the only thing that opened my eyes... please help with any words of wisdom I am at a loss for words or what to feel
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Old 11-06-2008, 10:07 AM
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When you set boundaries, and then you back off, it's not very effective in the long run. At least it wasn't for me.

The chemical abuse is just a symptom of the bigger picture.

Even if he is abstaining, he is no way in recovery.

You have the right to change your mind, and tell him that he didn't follow through on everything, and back out the door he goes.

Just my two cents! :ghug
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Old 11-06-2008, 10:32 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. it's very common for alcoholics to weasel their way back into our lives with promises and then not follow through.

What was your boundary, precisely? You will let him move back home if he goes to AA regularly and stops drinking. And if he broke either of those boundaries.....what repercussions did you tell him would happen? Was there any sort of time limit -- he has to start AA within a week, a month?

If none of that was ever truly clarified for him, maybe now is the time to do it. Specific actions, specific times, specific boundaries, i.e. what you will be forced to do to protect yourself if he doesn't follow through. It will then be his choice how to proceed.
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:52 PM
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sick with sadness

I called my AH on my lunch to tell him I felt bad and I tell him it s for the same reasons of his addictions and I havent seen him do what I asked... He replies " Its only been a week and I know now that this isnt gonna work bc ur not ready to make it work"... and he says" even if I go t omy classes I know ur gonna be the same and this is gonna be the same" I replied with when you were going to ur classes last November I SAW and FELT the difference and I had a completely different outlook...
How can he so simply just say its not gonna work you need more time so quickly when I just called to talk and I wasnt being mean I was crying most of the time..
The month he was out he admitted to being the last time he drank was the week before he moved back in..
I asked him why he didnt go to AA this week at all and all he said was the week isnt over!! and he said he was gonna go tonight WAS is the key word

I am at a loss as what to think or even say to him tonight.. Am I being to harsh thinking he should have been going to his classes???

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Old 11-06-2008, 02:21 PM
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So it is fair to think if he really wanted to show me he would have already went ... bc he is going on the it hasnt even been a week thing and that even if he did go he thinks I will still be the same....

I am physically making myself sick of the situation
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Old 11-06-2008, 02:53 PM
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Funny you should so that bc the weekend after I kicked him out we went out to dinner and he ordered a Corona and he said he was going to his classes... and he said he drank the weekend before he moced back in but yet he says he was going to the classes... Am I missing something here I thought AA was for ppl to be completely free of alcohol not to just try to drink one here and there and try to control it yourself... I should have opened my eyes when he was kicked out and we were talking on the phone and he tells me im still gonna drink but I will control it and then the next week it was ok im only gonna drink at family parties and then the next week when I cried in front of him he was ok ok im not gonna drink at all...

Just to get himself by for the time being and to get me off his back.... I have told him not to come back until he was 100% happy to be with me and not have alcohol in his life.... but with his bad attitude today I dont think he is ready.... and it was I had changed and I was acting differently and I was always gonna be the same even if he went to classes...
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Old 11-06-2008, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by waiting551 View Post
I called my AH on my lunch to tell him I felt bad and I tell him it s for the same reasons of his addictions and I havent seen him do what I asked... He replies " Its only been a week and I know now that this isnt gonna work bc ur not ready to make it work"... and he says" even if I go t omy classes I know ur gonna be the same and this is gonna be the same" I replied with when you were going to ur classes last November I SAW and FELT the difference and I had a completely different outlook...
How can he so simply just say its not gonna work you need more time so quickly when I just called to talk and I wasnt being mean I was crying most of the time..
The month he was out he admitted to being the last time he drank was the week before he moved back in..
I asked him why he didnt go to AA this week at all and all he said was the week isnt over!! and he said he was gonna go tonight WAS is the key word

I am at a loss as what to think or even say to him tonight.. Am I being to harsh thinking he should have been going to his classes???

:wtf2

OH.MY.GOSH.

He sounds like my AH WORD FOR WORD.

I can tell you this much from my own experience...it has not gotten any better. My AH doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do. I'm not supposed to say a bad word about anything he's done, is doing or not doing. I was supposed to STFU and smile and pretend everything was hunky dory.

Please note that as soon as you called him on his failure to follow through, he IMMEDIATELY put the focus on you.

Denial much?

(((((((((( big, huge hugs )))))))))))
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Old 11-06-2008, 04:38 PM
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Please RUN, not walk to an Al anon meeting!!!!!

Your way too wrapped up in what he is or isn't doing. Try and start wrapping yourself up in what you should or shouldn't be doing, it will make life much easier for you in the long run.

I feel bad for you as I know what your going through, but you can only control you, not anyone else.

God Bless and Good Luck
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