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Any book suggestions?

Old 11-05-2008, 10:54 AM
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Any book suggestions?

I posted my update this morning, but since then, I have gone from feeling strong to missing Chris again, feeling hopeless that I will never find love again, and even wondering if I made a mistake and regretted kicking him out (since it just pushed him into the arms of another woman). I just feel like I'm all over the place, and also I am trying to make sense of men like Chris, trying to understand the mind of controlling men who are addicts. Why they do the things to do.

I thought maybe Friday night or Saturday afternoon I would take my son to see a movie, at the mall, and while I was at it maybe stop at Barnes and Noble for a self-help book....oh and maybe a stop at Bath and Body Works. I don't have the extra money, but I sure would like to go in and browse the smelly good stuff.

Book suggestions, anyone?
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 View Post
I am trying to make sense of men like Chris, trying to understand the mind of controlling men who are addicts. Why they do the things to do.
I've been having a hard time these last few days, and I noticed something.
Lately my emotional pain is almost always accompanied by the strong scent of vodka and my husband's aftershave.

I'm not saying that he causes my pain - but there is definitely a correlation in the amount of tears that I cry and the amount of time that I spend with him.
Sometimes he behaves so callously to me, with so little appreciation or concern for my well-being that I am astounded.

This morning I spent a little while on the phone with my best friend running through some of the "How could he say that to me?! It doesn't make sense!" routine.

She said, "There's no sense to it right now, Mel. Best to quit looking."

Trying to analyze and understand another person's motives and intentions is always tricky (questionable) business - trying to analyze and understand an active addict's motives and intentions is pointless. I just keep running around in circles.

Soooooo.... I don't have any good books for understanding controlling, addict men.
I'm reading the Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps and Smart Women Finish Rich - they help me feel like I'm getting somewhere!

Hugs to you, Wendy!
Hope your day is bright.
-TC
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:36 AM
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A book that helped me was "How Al-Anon works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics"

and the 3 c's . . .

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
and
I can't cure it.

Please know, sweetie that nothing you did pushed him into anything or anyone.

((hugs))

Rita
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Old 11-05-2008, 05:39 PM
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I agree with TC. The things that helped me the most were NOT staying in the cycle of obsession by studying things that were HIS PROBLEM, NOT MINE. The first few weeks I spent reading up on his disorder, his behaviors, his stuff. The first few weeks I didn't get any better, aside from learning how to get through a day without crying.

Turning to my hopes and dreams for the future -- figuring out what kind of job I loved, how to have a little more money, learning how to be a stronger person -- these are the things that ultimately helped me break my obsession and helped me (eventually!) start meeting people that I could truly love, and who could love me. Some great, life-BUILDING books I read were:

Your Money or Your Life (Dominguez/Robin)
The Joy Diet: Ten Daily Practices for a Happier Life (Martha Beck)
Wishcraft: How to Get What You Truly Want (Barbara Sher)
Prince Charming Isn't Coming (Barbara Stanny)
Women and the Blues: Passions that Hurt, Passions that Heal (Jennifer James)
Making a Living Without a Job (Barbara Winter)
When Things Fall Apart (Pema Chodron)

As long as I was still in "his" sick world, I wasn't moving any closer to that love I was hoping for. I was still stuck. When I started flipping off his image on my brain's TV screen and focusing on MY dreams, MY life, then I started to heal.

There's a lot of joy and love out here, Wendy, and Chris isn't in control of whether you find it or not. You are.

Hugs,
gl
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Old 11-05-2008, 06:48 PM
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Thanks for the book suggestions. You actually might be on to something there. I keep telling myself that I need to use this time, that he is preoccupied with OW to get strong, so that when/if things go south, and he does try contacting me like everyone says....I will be strong enough to resist the charm/sadness. At the same time, I do feel like I am still spending a lot of time trying to figure out why he does the things he does. And I think I am doing it to make sense of it, which will never happen. But I know that I am BETTER than what I was as far as being able to function/not cry all the time, and I also know it's important to not get stuck.
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Old 11-05-2008, 07:16 PM
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I know you know the right things to do, and I know how far you've come -- a looooooong way :ghug3

In my own little world, the way that I got to where a reaction was "natural" to me was to practice, practice, practice. Meaning: if I wanted to be ready when my X called, I had to practice healthy behaviors over and over, until they felt natural, second-nature.

You're still holding out hope that his thing with the other woman doesn't work out, it sounds like? Is there a healthier set of thoughts you can think instead? Like "I will never be taken advantage of again." Or "THIS is the life I want my child to have, and I won't put him through any more pain." ?
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Old 11-05-2008, 07:35 PM
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Women who love too much and confusing love with obsession, are the ones I found helpful.

If it makes you feel any better, in one of those books it says something like 'when addictive relationships end it is normal to doubt one self, as this is the nature of addiction.'

That's probably not word perfect but it helped me seperate the grief that I felt (which is normal) and that overwhelming desire to go back to him/get him back (which is the addiction).

Take it easy
:ghug3
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