New To This...I Need Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 2
New To This...I Need Advice
I am a 35-year-old woman who has never been around an alcoholic. To make a long story short, I fell in love with a wonderful, caring, incredible gentleman who is in recovery. He did not share this with me until I had accused him of cheating on me after he disappeared for a few days.
That was 6 months ago.
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
I think he's started up again and it's my fault. But that isn't what I'm worried about at this moment. I'm worried about him. I love him very much and can't imagine life without him.
He has disappeared again and I'm in fear that he has started drinking again. He called in sick at work and I'm scared he is putting his job in jeopardy.
I want to go check on him at his house, but I'm scared that isn't the right thing to do.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
likenoother
That was 6 months ago.
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
I think he's started up again and it's my fault. But that isn't what I'm worried about at this moment. I'm worried about him. I love him very much and can't imagine life without him.
He has disappeared again and I'm in fear that he has started drinking again. He called in sick at work and I'm scared he is putting his job in jeopardy.
I want to go check on him at his house, but I'm scared that isn't the right thing to do.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
likenoother
Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place, there are many wonderful people here to support/help you! :ghug3
I couldn't tell from your post if HE thinks it's your fault, or YOU think it's your fault. Either way, I disagree with this 100%. If he is drinking again, it is entirely his choice.
Hang in there, keep posting/reading!
I think he's started up again and it's my fault.
Hang in there, keep posting/reading!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
I think he's started up again and it's my fault.
He has disappeared again and I'm in fear that he has started drinking again. He called in sick at work and I'm scared he is putting his job in jeopardy.
I want to go check on him at his house, but I'm scared that isn't the right thing to do.
it's not "OK" for a recovering alcoholic to "have a glass of wine"
it's not "your fault"
you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it
I don't know if I would go check on him or not, actually I think I would, I just don't know if that's the healthiest idea, many of my "first ideas" are frequently wrong.
I don't have my "black belt" in Alanon yet, so I just wanted to offer you some support until "the girls" come rally
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Usually when I question whether something is wrong with a relationship, it IS. And usually when I think some action I'm about to take may be the wrong thing to do, it IS. I've learned to trust that little voice inside my head. However, sometimes it has to yell at me until I listen....
Alanon helped me see that I need a disappearing, recovery-claiming, drinking alcoholic partner like I need a hole in my head. It also helped me redefine my idea of "wonderful."
Alanon helped me see that I need a disappearing, recovery-claiming, drinking alcoholic partner like I need a hole in my head. It also helped me redefine my idea of "wonderful."
Welcome, likenoother, glad you're here!
It's not your fault.
What kind of recovery is it where an alcoholic disappears for days on end and has the occasional glass of wine?
A great book for understanding the physiology of alcoholism is "Under the Influence."
I also highly recommend some Al Anon meetings for you. It is recommended trying 6 before deciding if it is right for you.
If you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, it can be quite the wild ride. I got off that ride, but it took me 18 years.
Keep posting!
It's not your fault.
What kind of recovery is it where an alcoholic disappears for days on end and has the occasional glass of wine?
A great book for understanding the physiology of alcoholism is "Under the Influence."
I also highly recommend some Al Anon meetings for you. It is recommended trying 6 before deciding if it is right for you.
If you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, it can be quite the wild ride. I got off that ride, but it took me 18 years.
Keep posting!
Welcome to SR
Like others have said - no matter what he is doing - drinking or not
It is NOT your fault.
For me, Al-Anon meetings have helped me with how I have been affected by the A's in my life - it also helps me to figure out what is best for me and to give me the courage to make those choices.
HUGS,
Rita
Like others have said - no matter what he is doing - drinking or not
It is NOT your fault.
For me, Al-Anon meetings have helped me with how I have been affected by the A's in my life - it also helps me to figure out what is best for me and to give me the courage to make those choices.
HUGS,
Rita
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
I think he's started up again and it's my fault
Good luck. Find a Al-Anon group. They can help you through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 2
Update
Thank you for your kind and supportive words.
I drove to his house to check on him. His car was there. I knocked on the front and back door. Like an idiot, I threw rocks up at this bedroom window. I peeked in the windows and didn't see any bottles....that's what I was concerned I would see. After 20 minutes, I left. Then sent a text saying, "call or text so I know you're alive".
He just sent a text saying he was feeling better.
We've talked about marriage and I'm now having second thoughts. This is the second time he's done this...
I don't know what to say to him.
likenoother
I drove to his house to check on him. His car was there. I knocked on the front and back door. Like an idiot, I threw rocks up at this bedroom window. I peeked in the windows and didn't see any bottles....that's what I was concerned I would see. After 20 minutes, I left. Then sent a text saying, "call or text so I know you're alive".
He just sent a text saying he was feeling better.
We've talked about marriage and I'm now having second thoughts. This is the second time he's done this...
I don't know what to say to him.
likenoother
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Quote:
If he's an alcoholic it it NOT ok to do that every now and then.
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
ps - as a former crackhead my warning bells go off any time i hear about someone "disappearing" for a few days.......could be wrong tho........
Unfortunately, your concern about his drinking is not going to have any affect on his drinking. His addiction. He owns it. His choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
It's NOT okay! My opinion is that if they can be sober and in recovery for 12 months that then you can CONSIDER a relationship or more. My wife has never been able to make the 1 year mark. It's no life to live with someone in recovery and relapse cycles. My AW is THE GREATEST person when she is sober....but she can never maintain it. It erodes your trust and love.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)