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New To This...I Need Advice

Old 11-05-2008, 09:14 AM
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New To This...I Need Advice

I am a 35-year-old woman who has never been around an alcoholic. To make a long story short, I fell in love with a wonderful, caring, incredible gentleman who is in recovery. He did not share this with me until I had accused him of cheating on me after he disappeared for a few days.

That was 6 months ago.

The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....

I think he's started up again and it's my fault. But that isn't what I'm worried about at this moment. I'm worried about him. I love him very much and can't imagine life without him.

He has disappeared again and I'm in fear that he has started drinking again. He called in sick at work and I'm scared he is putting his job in jeopardy.

I want to go check on him at his house, but I'm scared that isn't the right thing to do.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

likenoother
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Old 11-05-2008, 09:25 AM
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Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place, there are many wonderful people here to support/help you! :ghug3


I think he's started up again and it's my fault.
I couldn't tell from your post if HE thinks it's your fault, or YOU think it's your fault. Either way, I disagree with this 100%. If he is drinking again, it is entirely his choice.

Hang in there, keep posting/reading!
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Old 11-05-2008, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by likenoother View Post

The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....

I think he's started up again and it's my fault.

He has disappeared again and I'm in fear that he has started drinking again. He called in sick at work and I'm scared he is putting his job in jeopardy.

I want to go check on him at his house, but I'm scared that isn't the right thing to do.
Oh fudge

it's not "OK" for a recovering alcoholic to "have a glass of wine"

it's not "your fault"

you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it

I don't know if I would go check on him or not, actually I think I would, I just don't know if that's the healthiest idea, many of my "first ideas" are frequently wrong.

I don't have my "black belt" in Alanon yet, so I just wanted to offer you some support until "the girls" come rally
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:03 AM
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Usually when I question whether something is wrong with a relationship, it IS. And usually when I think some action I'm about to take may be the wrong thing to do, it IS. I've learned to trust that little voice inside my head. However, sometimes it has to yell at me until I listen....

Alanon helped me see that I need a disappearing, recovery-claiming, drinking alcoholic partner like I need a hole in my head. It also helped me redefine my idea of "wonderful."
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:36 AM
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Welcome, likenoother, glad you're here!

It's not your fault.

What kind of recovery is it where an alcoholic disappears for days on end and has the occasional glass of wine?

A great book for understanding the physiology of alcoholism is "Under the Influence."

I also highly recommend some Al Anon meetings for you. It is recommended trying 6 before deciding if it is right for you.

If you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, it can be quite the wild ride. I got off that ride, but it took me 18 years.

Keep posting!
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:40 AM
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Welcome to SR

Like others have said - no matter what he is doing - drinking or not

It is NOT your fault.

For me, Al-Anon meetings have helped me with how I have been affected by the A's in my life - it also helps me to figure out what is best for me and to give me the courage to make those choices.

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:53 AM
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The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
If he's an alcoholic it it NOT ok to do that every now and then.

I think he's started up again and it's my fault
How many times have we all heard this. It is not your fault, you are new so you are not familiar with the "Three C's" you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Good luck. Find a Al-Anon group. They can help you through this.
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:02 PM
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Update

Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

I drove to his house to check on him. His car was there. I knocked on the front and back door. Like an idiot, I threw rocks up at this bedroom window. I peeked in the windows and didn't see any bottles....that's what I was concerned I would see. After 20 minutes, I left. Then sent a text saying, "call or text so I know you're alive".

He just sent a text saying he was feeling better.

We've talked about marriage and I'm now having second thoughts. This is the second time he's done this...

I don't know what to say to him.

likenoother
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
The other night he had a glass of wine with me. He said that it was ok for him to do this every now and then....
If he's an alcoholic it it NOT ok to do that every now and then.
It's not OK IF he's an alcoholic in recovery. However, obviously he is not in recovery. What he is doing is NOT what an alcoholic in recovery does. Alcoholics in recovery don't drink.

ps - as a former crackhead my warning bells go off any time i hear about someone "disappearing" for a few days.......could be wrong tho........
I absolutely have to agree with Anvil 100%. If he lied to you about alcohol. What's to say that he hasn't lied to you about drugs and a whole host of other things. One thing is certain, he is not the man you thought he was. You've only known him 6 mos. Maybe it was a really intense 6 mos. But that's not a lot of time to really "know" someone. Especially if they have a tendency to twist the truth (which he has done.) Be very careful and decide if this kind of behavior is what you want to live with for the rest of your life. Because you can't change him. Love can't change him. And love won't protect you from alcoholics or drug addicts.
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by likenoother View Post
I peeked in the windows and didn't see any bottles....that's what I was concerned I would see.
What action do you believe you could have taken if you HAD seen bottles? My exAH would "check out" and have no contact with me after he'd had a night of hard drinking and was sleeping off a hangover.

Unfortunately, your concern about his drinking is not going to have any affect on his drinking. His addiction. He owns it. His choices.
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Old 11-05-2008, 05:50 PM
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It's NOT okay! My opinion is that if they can be sober and in recovery for 12 months that then you can CONSIDER a relationship or more. My wife has never been able to make the 1 year mark. It's no life to live with someone in recovery and relapse cycles. My AW is THE GREATEST person when she is sober....but she can never maintain it. It erodes your trust and love.
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