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So far so good for both of us

Old 11-04-2008, 10:08 AM
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Ph.D in insanity!!
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Thumbs up So far so good for both of us

Ah is still in the hospital recovering from his surgery (diverticulitis) and they removed part of his colon. He's been in there for about ten days. He says there is no way he will touch alcohol again. He said he didn't see how sick he really was until now. When I ask him about going back to his old job he quickly says "no fkn way". He says he doesn't want to be alone and he is way better off staying with us and it's not a chance he is even willing to take. He knows if there is a next time he will die.
I'm still sick from visiting him (go figure).....note to self....do not breath in a hospital. I will probably go visit him again tomorrow. I'm not bringing up meetings or making a plan. He knows what he has to do and I really think he just may do it.
He knows he has to ease back into the family for my sake and for the kids.
I'm not sure of the road ahead but I've found if I have no expectations of anything the world works better for me. So for today.....we have recovery.
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:03 AM
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Hi Stubborn I'm glad you are feeling upbeat about how things are going today. I would encourage you to focus on setting boundaries for the kind of behavior you are going to be willing to accept in your life once he gets out of the hospital, and what you will do for yourself and your children if the boundaries are violated. I know it will be hard because he will use the "sick and injured" card but boundaries can protect you and your children.

It's good not to have expectations about the outcome of a situation, but it is good to have expectations for how YOU are going to react in a specific situation. It is definitely ok to have expectations for how you will be treated by people and how you will respond if people dont treat you the way you expect. Personal boundaries are a KEY ingredient in your recovery from his problems.

For example:

I expect people to treat me with respect in my house. Therefore, if someone is disrespectful to me, I will ask them to leave my house immediately. If they don't do as I ask, that person can expect me to respond by .....
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:33 AM
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(((Stubborn))) Having been where you are now only 4 mons. ago (and I mean almost exactly), I truly wish you and your AH the best, and I will be keeping you both in my prayers that it works out for you.
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:56 AM
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Thank you queenteree.

Hellokitty. I have been down this road before. He was sober for a year a long while ago. He knows without a doubt my boundaries and that's why he hasn't been here for several years.
I was speaking of expectations and not in the common sense form. I'm far from new at this. Respect is demanded not expected in my home.
Expectations as far as changing my life to cater to his. Not in the way you are trying to explain. If he is sober......great. If not, life goes on.
I don't play "victm" cards.
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Old 11-04-2008, 12:16 PM
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You sound really good! :ghug :ghug

I have faith that you will continue to do what you need to do for you and your kids!
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Old 11-04-2008, 12:29 PM
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Just speaking from my own experience. When I was involved with my ex, I was absolutely delusional about expectations. I told myself that if I never expected anything from him, I wouldn't be surprised if he let me down. It was a miserable way to live. And it didn't last very long either. What I learned is that it is ok for me to have boundaries/expectations when it comes to how others behave towards me. It's just not ok for me to expect them to change the way they behave because I don't like it. But I don't have to accept their behavior. I can walk away or tell them to leave.
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Old 11-04-2008, 12:33 PM
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Yea, it can be that way sometimes. I love myself too much to play games.
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Old 11-04-2008, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
When I ask him about going back to his old job he quickly says "no fkn way". He says he doesn't want to be alone and he is way better off staying with us and it's not a chance he is even willing to take.
"Not a chance he's willing to take???" So.....he gets to decide this? That he doesn't feel like working any more, that you can support him physically and financially now? Now that he needs you, he gets to move back in without a plan of recovery, any steps, anything?

Not to be all negative or anything but.....why is moving back in with you his decision and not yours?

My sister was hospitalized for a long spell and spent four days of it in a coma, abdominal surgery, the whole nine yards. She came out sure she'd never drink again. She was drinking two days later, and gone a year after that, leaving hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

I hope your boundaries are clear and your plan is a good one. Do you have kids? How do they feel about things?
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Old 11-04-2008, 02:47 PM
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Stubborn, you are probably feeling raked over the coals here and I can see why. I think most folks are taking the fact that you said "for now it's recovery" when there isn't any yet. They are just words.....possibly manipulative ones.

I don't see any recovery on your h's part. In fact you have been pretty hard on folks here for believing what you would like to believe now.

I am not being judgemental but after my h's suicide attempt he even said he was going to be an example of recovery to other struggling alcoholics. Can you hear me laughing??? That didn't happen and my AH is back to drinking in a big way.

I would want to see some ACTION before I believed a word he says. You deserve it and so do your kids.

(((( stubborn ))))
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Old 11-06-2008, 07:55 PM
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Wow......first, let me say I am not a fool. This is his home as it is mine. He will not have a long stay if there is not a program started. He just had major surgery so I do not expect him to run to the local AA meeting. Yes he is coming here and he will heal.
If he up and leaves then so be it. If he decides to quit drinking that's great to.
I have complete confidence in myself and my boundaries.
Everyones situation is different, everyones bottom is different. There ARE recovery stories. If this isn't one in the end then so be it, I'm fine with that.
If there is........then it's all been worth it.
Yes he has a choice not to live hours away from us and back to the old job. He is an adult and has choices. He will work here.
He's not weaseling anything. I told him when he was ready I would support him (in his recovery), not support him financially. Some how, some way he has put a roof over our heads for eight years. I did not allow him here for many years.
Yes I have three children with him. They are educated in alcoholism. They know what's going on as much as they need to know.
I've had years of manipulations, and all the things that an award winning alcoholic would pull so this isn't going to take me by surprise.
I'm not going to be a victim of alcoholism and I'm taking it for what it's worth and for today it's all good.
Obviously I can not sum up nine years of our history to strangers. My post was to share the possibilty of good news..........it's sad to me that so many are bitter and so cold.
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Old 11-06-2008, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
then why is your world suddenly turned upside down because of his actions? is he leaving the hospital and coming home with you?Yes i believe the concern and caution here was that addicts are fabulous manipulators and can sound more sincere than Jesus Christ himself.....and that once they've wormed their way back inadmitting himself to detox, two week hospital stay is not his idea of manipulation hun, it's much tougher to extricate yourself from the situationBeen there done that already. he's already kinda playing the sympathy card, isn't he?No He says he doesn't want to be alone and he is way better off staying with us and it's not a chance he is even willing to takeI can totally understand why he wouldn't want to be alone.....who would? He's coming home to me and also his home AA group that kept him sober before. He wants his life back. No crime there..
Huh?
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Old 11-06-2008, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
"Not a chance he's willing to take???"That job in particular is a trigger and bad memories. So.....he gets to decide this?We both decided that but yes it was his choice to make that move. That he doesn't feel like working any more, that you can support him physically and financially now?Ummm who said that? Now that he needs you, he gets to move back in without a plan of recovery, any steps, anything?Who said that too? He has his plan and will follow it or he'll leave

Not to be all negative (you are)or anything but.....why is moving back in with you his decision and not yours? It was both of our decision and discussed for a period of time

My sister was hospitalized for a long spell and spent four days of it in a coma, abdominal surgery, the whole nine yards. She came out sure she'd never drink again. She was drinking two days later, and gone a year after that, leaving hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

I hope your boundaries are clear and your plan is a good one. Do you have kids? How do they feel about things?
Sorry to hear that about your sister. However your sisters situation is not my husband. Thank you for your reply
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Old 11-07-2008, 03:21 AM
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Dear Stubborn, as you say you have set the boundaries and your AH knows what they are. If you are ok with caring for him whilst he heals from surgery that is your decision, after all you know all that is involved and I don't.

My xAH is still a part vegie in hospital, and if he doesn't die there in next few days will be back in Nursing home again.

I am still with ABF, who has been sober for 37 days Praise God.
This morning he flew 3000 ks to visit friends and do some business, and as the plane took off I prayed that whatever happened, if he drank, I would have the strength to say enough. And stick to it.

He rang me just before boarding the last plane and it was the first time he had been alone for hours travelling, and not had any beer. He was tired, not feeling too good but was sober.
Like you I can only hope and trust that he stays that way, hard as that will be with drinking friends, but hope I will.

God bless you and your family and your husband at this time.
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