Enabling
God's Kid
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Enabling
When I first began attending Al Anon, I thought it was my job to put people in my life straight. I had to tell them were they were wrong (and I was right of course) and then I expected them to amend their behaviour to suit me.
After awhile I noticed Al Anon wasn't about our group getting together and discussing 'the alcoholic' but rather a place to talk about what I can do for myself so I can get well. And learn tools that help me to become independent, rather than co dependent.
Enabling is a word used a lot when it comes to alcoholics and family members and at times I think it is used with a lot of confusion.
Enabling (for me) is when I do things for other people that they could do for themselves.
A good example would be trying to help the alcoholic keep their job if they were too drunk to go by ringing their boss and saying they were 'sick'. I.e. lying to cover up their drinking.
Other examples would be covering the bad cq's they were writing or overdrafts at the bank, paying their rent or giving them money to cover other expenses since they were spending all their money on booze.
Enabling (IMO) is not 'allowing them to drink at home' or 'going out with them if they are drinking, even when I asked them not too.' I would define this kind of behavior as controling.
I say this because while having an alcoholic spouse, son/daughter or other family member is a problem, as an Al Anoner my real problem is my own life was so entangled with theirs that their every move affected me.
Recovery from co dependence for me is about living in away that my life is not 'entangled' with another persons. It's about me living independently and allowing other people to do the same. It's about learning to walk along side another person, loving more and fearing less.
Al Anon have a great phamplet about detachment that says " In Al-Anon we learn not to create a crisis," and, "In Al-Anon we learn not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
For me, the person who thought it was my job to set people straight, it is a relief for me to learn I can leave that job up to my HP.
After awhile I noticed Al Anon wasn't about our group getting together and discussing 'the alcoholic' but rather a place to talk about what I can do for myself so I can get well. And learn tools that help me to become independent, rather than co dependent.
Enabling is a word used a lot when it comes to alcoholics and family members and at times I think it is used with a lot of confusion.
Enabling (for me) is when I do things for other people that they could do for themselves.
A good example would be trying to help the alcoholic keep their job if they were too drunk to go by ringing their boss and saying they were 'sick'. I.e. lying to cover up their drinking.
Other examples would be covering the bad cq's they were writing or overdrafts at the bank, paying their rent or giving them money to cover other expenses since they were spending all their money on booze.
Enabling (IMO) is not 'allowing them to drink at home' or 'going out with them if they are drinking, even when I asked them not too.' I would define this kind of behavior as controling.
I say this because while having an alcoholic spouse, son/daughter or other family member is a problem, as an Al Anoner my real problem is my own life was so entangled with theirs that their every move affected me.
Recovery from co dependence for me is about living in away that my life is not 'entangled' with another persons. It's about me living independently and allowing other people to do the same. It's about learning to walk along side another person, loving more and fearing less.
Al Anon have a great phamplet about detachment that says " In Al-Anon we learn not to create a crisis," and, "In Al-Anon we learn not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
For me, the person who thought it was my job to set people straight, it is a relief for me to learn I can leave that job up to my HP.
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