My big, fat relapse
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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My big, fat relapse
Yes- me the codie- I had a relapse over the weekend, but I am learning something from it- thank goodness.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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That's not a big fat relapse, that is big fat growth IMHO!
It's hard, Paj, but trust me, one day you will see that he isn't replacing you at all, because YOU are not replaceable.
During the last year or so of my marriage, I taped an acronym to my computer screen "ACSFW." Only once did xAH ask what it was and I said a password.
It stands for "All cruelty stems from weakness." I was reading some stuff from Seneca and that line jumped from the page and was one of my moments of clarity on the way to embracing recovery.
In simpler terms, try to remember he isn't doing it TO you, he's just doing it. (and that's a quote from Minnie LOL)
((( )))
It's hard, Paj, but trust me, one day you will see that he isn't replacing you at all, because YOU are not replaceable.
During the last year or so of my marriage, I taped an acronym to my computer screen "ACSFW." Only once did xAH ask what it was and I said a password.
It stands for "All cruelty stems from weakness." I was reading some stuff from Seneca and that line jumped from the page and was one of my moments of clarity on the way to embracing recovery.
In simpler terms, try to remember he isn't doing it TO you, he's just doing it. (and that's a quote from Minnie LOL)
((( )))
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
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I am sorry you are going through this. Ugh. I can so understand that anxiety/panic, just a phone call can trigger so many other feelings. But I would also say that's growth, you are human and allowed to feel sad sometimes.
Keep taking care of yourself.
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I love that acronym denny. I have been amazed at his cruelty- the things he said about his girlfriend, about me, he walked away from us (me and dd) and all responsibilities for our house- which I am getting ready to sell alone, and now he's cutting me off financially. Hard to believe. Intellectually I get he's not doing it to me- he's just doing it, but emotionally it's hard to feel that. 18 years. Wow. . .
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power.
When I first saw your thread, I thought you were going to tell us about your big, fat wedding. I'm so relieved....
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
I can so understand that anxiety/panic, just a phone call can trigger so many other feelings.
What also helped me was reading Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More, and Getting Better all the Time." She has a chapter in it on boundaries and one on emotional relapse.
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
I love that acronym denny. I have been amazed at his cruelty- the things he said about his girlfriend, about me, he walked away from us (me and dd) and all responsibilities for our house- which I am getting ready to sell alone, and now he's cutting me off financially. Hard to believe. Intellectually I get he's not doing it to me- he's just doing it, but emotionally it's hard to feel that. 18 years. Wow. . .
I haven't seen this analogy used here for awhile. I've heard it often, including from our doctor. When I look at (or think of in my case), xAH picture him in a hospital gown and hope the best for him. That is for my inner peace and it works for me.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
When I first saw your thread, I thought you were going to tell us about your big, fat wedding. I'm so relieved....
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I see growth, not relapse
I see pain, normal pain to something hurtful
I prefer to look at things like that as "unskilled"
it may minimize the person, but it minimizes the pain, like "oooh, that was unskilled, ooof, /walk away"
:ghug
I see pain, normal pain to something hurtful
I prefer to look at things like that as "unskilled"
it may minimize the person, but it minimizes the pain, like "oooh, that was unskilled, ooof, /walk away"
People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can achieve true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can achieve true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
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"I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years."
Oh yes he has done lots of nasty things to your feelings and your heart.
He's treated your feelings as of no importance, as rubbish, fantasy, and c**p. As for your heart, it seems to me he's trying to smash it to pieces.
Fancy anyone inviting you to go and witness him and new woman in family circles hat once you belonged in. I doubt he expected you to go at all. All he wanted was to cause you pain and upset you as much as he could.
I can't possibly use the words I would like to on this site,or I would be banned from SR for foul language.
Your answer to his playing with your mind and emotions is to heal yourself, and put him where he belongs, out of sight and out of mind.
God bless
Oh yes he has done lots of nasty things to your feelings and your heart.
He's treated your feelings as of no importance, as rubbish, fantasy, and c**p. As for your heart, it seems to me he's trying to smash it to pieces.
Fancy anyone inviting you to go and witness him and new woman in family circles hat once you belonged in. I doubt he expected you to go at all. All he wanted was to cause you pain and upset you as much as he could.
I can't possibly use the words I would like to on this site,or I would be banned from SR for foul language.
Your answer to his playing with your mind and emotions is to heal yourself, and put him where he belongs, out of sight and out of mind.
God bless
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Thank you all for being so kind. I spent 2 hours last night with my lawyer outlining some paperwork for our hearing coming up in 2 weeks. It feels "dirty" to be talking about STBXAH's issues, but I know I have to in order to get what I/dd need out of this divorce. I'm tired of hiding his bad behavior. This is not what I wanted, but he left me with no choice, and every day I feel stronger and more grateful to be on this path-even when I relapse! ;o) And a lot of it is because of people like you who inspire me everyday.
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Your posts have been an inspiratin to me many times. I love reading your honest/well thought responses. The next 2 weeks will be trying, no doubt. I'm sure you will get back as much wisdom and support as you have given.
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
Why are these lessons so hard?
Hugs to you - you are doing great.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
. It feels "dirty" to be talking about STBXAH's issues, but I know I have to in order to get what I/dd need out of this divorce. I'm tired of hiding his bad behavior. This is not what I wanted, but he left me with no choice, and every day I feel stronger and more grateful to be on this path-even when I relapse! ;o) And a lot of it is because of people like you who inspire me everyday.
Hugs to you dear one! I know exactly how you feel about that "dirty" feeling...Isn't it funny how we internalize the shame and embarrassment of others? I feel exactly the same way with Don. I too am tired of hiding his bad behavior...I believe that this is the essense of my illness-holding onto all these sick secrets...
I think you are so strong and so brave...I think you handled the situation beautifully. You are learning and growing...what a wonderful example for your DD! Hugs love!
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Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
Isn't it funny how we internalize the shame and embarrassment of others? I feel exactly the same way with Don. I too am tired of hiding his bad behavior...I believe that this is the essense of my illness-holding onto all these sick secrets...
For me, I now realize there is no talking to STBXAH. I learned my lesson the hard way over the weekend- finally!!!
There are friends and family too who get an earful from him, I'm sure, but I have to realize it's not my job to "teach" them. His mom- for instance- is in denial about her precious son. If she really knew what he's been up to, she would probably not believe it- just as I didn't for years. It takes so much strength to let things like that go.
I thought I had really done a big backslide saturday, but now I'm realizing it was necessary- like you said Givelove- there's no learning without some pain. Now I just need some sleep!
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"I thought I had really done a big backslide saturday, but now I'm realizing it was necessary-"
Not a backslide, you just did a slalom to the line. Well done.
Feel sorry for his mum and others still stuck in denial and in his manipulation, but as you say NOT YOUR BUSINESS. They have to learn, just as you did.
It is so hard when we have finally learnt, and others are still muddling around, not to put our hands on it anymore. But we must stand back.
Best wishes and God bless
Not a backslide, you just did a slalom to the line. Well done.
Feel sorry for his mum and others still stuck in denial and in his manipulation, but as you say NOT YOUR BUSINESS. They have to learn, just as you did.
It is so hard when we have finally learnt, and others are still muddling around, not to put our hands on it anymore. But we must stand back.
Best wishes and God bless
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