What is MY problem now?
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
What is MY problem now?
I finally got to a place where I let him go and came to terms with he is going to die right? Ok so now he up and puts himself in the hospital and is getting better.
One minute we are together and he's sober.......a year goes by with him sober and then he drinks again and fugs everything up.......fight fight, make up, argue, money issues, job issues......apologies....happy....happy......mad mad........(does this ever end?)
So I gave it all to God and said fug it, I'm done.....let him die and he goes and gets help after several years. Sooooooo do I get back on the ride again and see what happens?
I have a wonderful couple that just entered our lives who believes in our marriage and would love to see us mend this broken marriage and family unit. We all know he loves me and the kids, we know I am not in love with him but love him as a really bad friend. He gave me my children so I am there for him.
He drank away seven years while I've been sober for all of them. I grew up and he didn't.
So today while visiting him in the hospital he just kinda sat nonchalantly like everything was fine and dandy. I don't have a voice today (larangitis) so I couldn't talk to him much. Well, he acted like he was bored and walked out into the hallway.......wanted to walk downstairs (not to hang out with us but to smoke so I felt used) so I got ticked and said "ok kids it's time to go" We visited for an hour. He says (on a voice mail) that he didn't want us to leave and wished I didn't leave so quickly.
He's upset now because I said I was going to leave and left right then and there. I no longer play cat and mouse. When I'm done, I'm done so I left.
I'm totally lost in this "relationship" at this point. I don't know if I am coming or going. I can't pretend to be in love because I'm not, I can't pretend I'm happy he's sober because he's backed out before, I'm afraid to be too supportive and cushion him so it's easy, I don't want to make it too tough so he wants to drink again......I'm in limbo.
It's like relationship purgatory with someone I don't know anymore. I don't know how to talk to him because I believe everything is an alcoholic lie coming out of his mouth. I've heard it all before "daddy's coming home", "we are going to have a family" quack quack quack.......or is it?
My mother had a saying that I feel and that's "I don't know if I am supposed to shat, run or go blind"
What do I do?:wtf2
I want to believe him but can't. I'd love to have a full family life but can't get my hopes up. Where is Nostrodomus?
One minute we are together and he's sober.......a year goes by with him sober and then he drinks again and fugs everything up.......fight fight, make up, argue, money issues, job issues......apologies....happy....happy......mad mad........(does this ever end?)
So I gave it all to God and said fug it, I'm done.....let him die and he goes and gets help after several years. Sooooooo do I get back on the ride again and see what happens?
I have a wonderful couple that just entered our lives who believes in our marriage and would love to see us mend this broken marriage and family unit. We all know he loves me and the kids, we know I am not in love with him but love him as a really bad friend. He gave me my children so I am there for him.
He drank away seven years while I've been sober for all of them. I grew up and he didn't.
So today while visiting him in the hospital he just kinda sat nonchalantly like everything was fine and dandy. I don't have a voice today (larangitis) so I couldn't talk to him much. Well, he acted like he was bored and walked out into the hallway.......wanted to walk downstairs (not to hang out with us but to smoke so I felt used) so I got ticked and said "ok kids it's time to go" We visited for an hour. He says (on a voice mail) that he didn't want us to leave and wished I didn't leave so quickly.
He's upset now because I said I was going to leave and left right then and there. I no longer play cat and mouse. When I'm done, I'm done so I left.
I'm totally lost in this "relationship" at this point. I don't know if I am coming or going. I can't pretend to be in love because I'm not, I can't pretend I'm happy he's sober because he's backed out before, I'm afraid to be too supportive and cushion him so it's easy, I don't want to make it too tough so he wants to drink again......I'm in limbo.
It's like relationship purgatory with someone I don't know anymore. I don't know how to talk to him because I believe everything is an alcoholic lie coming out of his mouth. I've heard it all before "daddy's coming home", "we are going to have a family" quack quack quack.......or is it?
My mother had a saying that I feel and that's "I don't know if I am supposed to shat, run or go blind"
What do I do?:wtf2
I want to believe him but can't. I'd love to have a full family life but can't get my hopes up. Where is Nostrodomus?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
You have to do what's right for YOU. It's not an easy thing to do. I've been in a relationship where I was willing to go to any lengths just to fix it. Now I go to any length to keep my serenity.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 23
I'm sorry to here about your trouble.
My situation has not progressed to the stage of any possible recovery, attempt at, or failed redo.
I almost dread any attempt at recovery because of exactly what you are describing. I know that my comment is not helpful, however your information is helping me to understand what may come next.
Thank you
It sounds like
My situation has not progressed to the stage of any possible recovery, attempt at, or failed redo.
I almost dread any attempt at recovery because of exactly what you are describing. I know that my comment is not helpful, however your information is helping me to understand what may come next.
Thank you
It sounds like
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Protect myself how? I've lived without him for six to seven years. I quit talking to him on the phone, I cut myself off from him. He strolls right in going to get sober and now it feels like I have to undo all I've learned to protect myself against his active addiction.
So now I have to change MY attitude to suit a recovering addict who may or may not stick with it. WTF.........
I can't imagine being all cute and cuddly at this point or even introducing him as my husband. It's all just so sudden.
It's like having someone die and then find out they are back from the dead.
So now I have to change MY attitude to suit a recovering addict who may or may not stick with it. WTF.........
I can't imagine being all cute and cuddly at this point or even introducing him as my husband. It's all just so sudden.
It's like having someone die and then find out they are back from the dead.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
(((Stubborn))) I've kinda been where you are now. My husband and I have been together over 23 years, during which time he was sober for over 14/15 years without a single relpase. He relapsed several years ago (for years straight!). Anyway, last May he went to rehab. I, like you, didn't believe him cause it was always the same old cycle, like you said. But, what gave me hope was that the only other time he went to rehab, he stayed sober over 14 years, so I thought maybe, just maybe, it could happen again. I changed my attitude to "help" his recovery, I tried to make things run smoothly so he wouldn't relapse. Anything he ever said that bothered him when he was drinking, I tried to change so he wouldn't relapse and things would be "calm" for his. He relapsed after 3 months (and in those sober 3 months I had fallen back in love w/him). He kept drinking another 10 months straight, spiraled totally out of control, lost his job and like your's almost lost his life. He wound up in the hospital after I put him out of the house and had no contact with him (except when he called me telling me he was gonna die, and I took him to the hospital). Promptly afterward, he went to inpatient rehab and wanted to work on things. We have taken things really slowly, and he's still sober and working a program, so far. But I've been there, done that, many times before. I'm not in love with him, I love him as a friend. This time though, I absolutely refuse to change my attitude to suit a recovering alcoholic. I am who I am. Life is what it is. My recovery belongs to me. His recovery is his. I don't change a thing in my life. Either he deals with it or he doesn't. And I don't worry that it may cause a relapse. As we all know, I'm not that powerful. You've done great so far (for all these years), I know you have the mindset and the tools to do what you need to do for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Stubborn,
I am right there with you. My AW is almost the same as your AH! When you described your "limbo" relationship, I'm right there with you! I'll give you my experience. People who tell you that they want to help you "save" your marriage may mean well but if they don't understand the disease they are no help at all. Only YOU know what's right for you and your children. I waited too long to make the decision to divorce and now my children think a sober Mom and the uncertainty of relapse is normal and relapse is bad. They have a confused sense of what a normal family is. That will most likely be worse than a one parent nurturing and relaxed household.
A fried once told me "you're either all in or you're all out" in a relationship. When I looked at my marriage I coyuld never be "all in" gain because of the damage she created. So I chose to be "all out".
Keep posting!
I am right there with you. My AW is almost the same as your AH! When you described your "limbo" relationship, I'm right there with you! I'll give you my experience. People who tell you that they want to help you "save" your marriage may mean well but if they don't understand the disease they are no help at all. Only YOU know what's right for you and your children. I waited too long to make the decision to divorce and now my children think a sober Mom and the uncertainty of relapse is normal and relapse is bad. They have a confused sense of what a normal family is. That will most likely be worse than a one parent nurturing and relaxed household.
A fried once told me "you're either all in or you're all out" in a relationship. When I looked at my marriage I coyuld never be "all in" gain because of the damage she created. So I chose to be "all out".
Keep posting!
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by queenteree 
(((Stubborn))) I've kinda been where you are now. My husband and I have been together over 23 years, during which time he was sober for over 14/15 years without a single relpase. He relapsed several years ago (for years straight!). Anyway, last May he went to rehab. I, like you, didn't believe him cause it was always the same old cycle, like you said. But, what gave me hope was that the only other time he went to rehab, he stayed sober over 14 years, so I thought maybe, just maybe, it could happen again. I changed my attitude to "help" his recovery, I tried to make things run smoothly so he wouldn't relapse. Anything he ever said that bothered him when he was drinking, I tried to change so he wouldn't relapse and things would be "calm" for his. He relapsed after 3 months (and in those sober 3 months I had fallen back in love w/him). He kept drinking another 10 months straight, spiraled totally out of control, lost his job and like your's almost lost his life. He wound up in the hospital after I put him out of the house and had no contact with him (except when he called me telling me he was gonna die, and I took him to the hospital). Promptly afterward, he went to inpatient rehab and wanted to work on things. We have taken things really slowly, and he's still sober and working a program, so far. But I've been there, done that, many times before. I'm not in love with him, I love him as a friend. This time though, I absolutely refuse to change my attitude to suit a recovering alcoholic. I am who I am. Life is what it is. My recovery belongs to me. His recovery is his. I don't change a thing in my life. Either he deals with it or he doesn't. And I don't worry that it may cause a relapse. As we all know, I'm not that powerful. You've done great so far (for all these years), I know you have the mindset and the tools to do what you need to do for you.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by DII
Stubborn,
I am right there with you. My AW is almost the same as your AH! When you described your "limbo" relationship, I'm right there with you! I'll give you my experience. People who tell you that they want to help you "save" your marriage may mean well but if they don't understand the disease they are no help at all. Only YOU know what's right for you and your children. I waited too long to make the decision to divorce and now my children think a sober Mom and the uncertainty of relapse is normal and relapse is bad. They have a confused sense of what a normal family is. That will most likely be worse than a one parent nurturing and relaxed household.
A fried once told me "you're either all in or you're all out" in a relationship. When I looked at my marriage I coyuld never be "all in" gain because of the damage she created. So I chose to be "all out".
Keep posting!
I am right there with you. My AW is almost the same as your AH! When you described your "limbo" relationship, I'm right there with you! I'll give you my experience. People who tell you that they want to help you "save" your marriage may mean well but if they don't understand the disease they are no help at all. Only YOU know what's right for you and your children. I waited too long to make the decision to divorce and now my children think a sober Mom and the uncertainty of relapse is normal and relapse is bad. They have a confused sense of what a normal family is. That will most likely be worse than a one parent nurturing and relaxed household.
A fried once told me "you're either all in or you're all out" in a relationship. When I looked at my marriage I coyuld never be "all in" gain because of the damage she created. So I chose to be "all out".
Keep posting!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 66
"So I gave it all to God and said fug it, I'm done.....let him die and he goes and gets help after several years."
I swear, everytime I get frustrated with something and give it to God. God takes care of it. I was trying to control the problem and always made a mess. I read in one of the Alanon books about a wife going to a liquor store telling the owner that she would not cover anymore of her husband's bounced checks. The owner said, "Maybe that husband of yours needs to go to AA". She replied, "I've been trying for years". The owner replied back, "Maybe you've been trying too hard".
I swear, everytime I get frustrated with something and give it to God. God takes care of it. I was trying to control the problem and always made a mess. I read in one of the Alanon books about a wife going to a liquor store telling the owner that she would not cover anymore of her husband's bounced checks. The owner said, "Maybe that husband of yours needs to go to AA". She replied, "I've been trying for years". The owner replied back, "Maybe you've been trying too hard".
Ph.D in insanity!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Originally Posted by londonvanpelt
"So I gave it all to God and said fug it, I'm done.....let him die and he goes and gets help after several years."
I swear, everytime I get frustrated with something and give it to God. God takes care of it. I was trying to control the problem and always made a mess. I read in one of the Alanon books about a wife going to a liquor store telling the owner that she would not cover anymore of her husband's bounced checks. The owner said, "Maybe that husband of yours needs to go to AA". She replied, "I've been trying for years". The owner replied back, "Maybe you've been trying too hard".
I swear, everytime I get frustrated with something and give it to God. God takes care of it. I was trying to control the problem and always made a mess. I read in one of the Alanon books about a wife going to a liquor store telling the owner that she would not cover anymore of her husband's bounced checks. The owner said, "Maybe that husband of yours needs to go to AA". She replied, "I've been trying for years". The owner replied back, "Maybe you've been trying too hard".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I guess protecting yourself would be not allowing him back in your life anymore. I know, it is easier said than done.
I don't have all of the answers, but I have to put my sobriety first. Anything I've ever tried to put in front of it, I've lost.
I don't have all of the answers, but I have to put my sobriety first. Anything I've ever tried to put in front of it, I've lost.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
{Stubborn}
I think I tried to talk myself into loving him again.
After the 4th rehab I thought he couldn't go any lower and he did.
I wanted a family and my husband wanted to drink.
When I finally realized that {it took me over 20 years}
I made decisions I should have made a long time ago.
My kids are happier now without him,the youngest still misses her
Dad.
I tried to keep it all together thinking it was best for them if
we all stayed together,and I bent over backwards trying to keep
him happy.That didn't work. He now sits in jail for the 3rd time.
Do what you have to do,I fell out of love and those feelings
will not come back.
I am now concerned about how this mess will affect my children down the road.
Thinking of you... Take care.
I think I tried to talk myself into loving him again.
After the 4th rehab I thought he couldn't go any lower and he did.
I wanted a family and my husband wanted to drink.
When I finally realized that {it took me over 20 years}
I made decisions I should have made a long time ago.
My kids are happier now without him,the youngest still misses her
Dad.
I tried to keep it all together thinking it was best for them if
we all stayed together,and I bent over backwards trying to keep
him happy.That didn't work. He now sits in jail for the 3rd time.
Do what you have to do,I fell out of love and those feelings
will not come back.
I am now concerned about how this mess will affect my children down the road.
Thinking of you... Take care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
