What is MY problem now?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
((((((Stubborn))))))
There is absolutely NO reason, NOT one for you to change your attitude or your routine.
You have and are making a good life for you and your children. IF and that's a big IF he chooses to stay sober and clean and work on HIS recovery, all well and good, but still no reason for you to get back on the roller coaster.
If he wants to visit the children and they have something else planned, oh well, so sad, guess he has to pick another time. These are just minor consequences he will have to pay for HIS ACTIONS.
Nothing you do or don't do will 'make' him drink again. Oh, he might try and use something obscure as 'an excuse' but you don't have to buy into it. No one but himself is ever responsible for if he does or does not drink.
Stick to your new ways, go on with your life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
There is absolutely NO reason, NOT one for you to change your attitude or your routine.
You have and are making a good life for you and your children. IF and that's a big IF he chooses to stay sober and clean and work on HIS recovery, all well and good, but still no reason for you to get back on the roller coaster.
If he wants to visit the children and they have something else planned, oh well, so sad, guess he has to pick another time. These are just minor consequences he will have to pay for HIS ACTIONS.
Nothing you do or don't do will 'make' him drink again. Oh, he might try and use something obscure as 'an excuse' but you don't have to buy into it. No one but himself is ever responsible for if he does or does not drink.
Stick to your new ways, go on with your life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I sometimes think that people with addictions are so use to taking and giving so little that they just "use up" a relationship. I think that's why the partner stops loving them. They suck out joy, trust, intimacy ect.... We can maybe pity our addict, but that's not love.
You mentioned that line in your regular post and I have to say after two marriages to two different addicts their drinking isn't your responsibility. They just use you as an excuse. They always want to do it again! If you didn't make it too tough on him he would tell you it was because you where "too nice" and he wasn't good enough for you!!!
Hugs...
I don't want to make it too tough so he wants to drink again
Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 23
Brundle-
They just use you as an excuse. Well said.
That's exactly how I feel, except that I'm all used up.
Some days are just bad, other days are considerably
worse.
I have to remind myself by the minute to only look inward for happiness. Never to him.
He is strickly a source of considerable self hatred projected 24/7 in my direction. Can you imagine blaming one person for everything that is wrong in your life?
I can't fathom such sick, distorted thinking.
The shock has begun to wear off and I feel exposed. I feel formless, a pedators next meal.
I wonder about the trail he leaves behind, resentment, wounded spouse and unreconsiled children.
They just use you as an excuse. Well said.
That's exactly how I feel, except that I'm all used up.
Some days are just bad, other days are considerably
worse.
I have to remind myself by the minute to only look inward for happiness. Never to him.
He is strickly a source of considerable self hatred projected 24/7 in my direction. Can you imagine blaming one person for everything that is wrong in your life?
I can't fathom such sick, distorted thinking.
The shock has begun to wear off and I feel exposed. I feel formless, a pedators next meal.
I wonder about the trail he leaves behind, resentment, wounded spouse and unreconsiled children.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I have a wonderful couple that just entered our lives who believes in our marriage and would love to see us mend this broken marriage and family unit.
I no longer care what other folks want for me. The only thing that matters is what I want for myself. Today I want a life free from the chaos and pain caused by another person's drinking. Today I want a responsible, loving partner that I care about and trust. Today I want a full-time parent for my children, not one who chooses alcoholism over their needs and well being.
Today I realize an active alcoholic is not an equal partner. Today I realize that folks who try to meddle in my life are not friends.
Two years ago I eliminated all the things that weren't working in my life and today I'm much happier as a result. Two things that topped my list: any active addict and friends who weren't actually friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere Abroad
Posts: 12
Stubborn -
I feel for you, as I am going through shades of the same thing. I've been married 14 years, the first 7 were great. As for the last 7 years, it has been 3 years of active secret vodka drinking, 2 years good recovery post re-hab (fell back in love, forgave past offenses, had a baby, the whole nine yards). And finally I've lived the last 2 years with a dry drunk (at least I think he's dry....who knows since he was such a top secret vodka drinker...it doesn't matter because the selfish addictive thinking traits are in full swing).
The Experience, Strength and Hope I can offer you is to guard your heart (you can still love him from a distance) and look at his actions, do not listen to words. It's hard because my AH is charming, handsome, and tells me exactly what I want to hear (don't they all!). For the past two years I have listened to his words (yes, I will get another sponsor, yes, I will return to counseling) and I went into my own world of denial even though I knew better since I had attended the family program at the rehab center. I KNEW to always look at his actions, not listen to words. It's also hard because in a normal, healthy relationship, you can listen and trust words, as one should. But not in this f** up alcoholic world that I am fighting to get out of. I wish I had been stronger and put him out of the house as soon as I realized he was rejecting his program of recovery. But I didn't and I can't go back and re-do things and I did still love him at that point in time. But I do kick myself every day because of this. IMHO, when the alcoholic decides to stop drinking, it is only the first step. Active recovery is another roller coaster ride that is not impossible, but, well, too much of a roller coaster ride for me.
I had a complete "shift" last spring and I realized that I no longer love my AH. Too much damage had been done to the relationship - damage that he mostly caused and damage that continued since he was not willing to change and mature like most of us are. Finally, I woke up one day and I changed. I was waiting around for him to "get it" - for him to see how wonderful his wife and daughter are and instead I finally "got" it. Without that "shift", I am certain I would still be hanging on.
I wish you the best in your difficult journey.
I feel for you, as I am going through shades of the same thing. I've been married 14 years, the first 7 were great. As for the last 7 years, it has been 3 years of active secret vodka drinking, 2 years good recovery post re-hab (fell back in love, forgave past offenses, had a baby, the whole nine yards). And finally I've lived the last 2 years with a dry drunk (at least I think he's dry....who knows since he was such a top secret vodka drinker...it doesn't matter because the selfish addictive thinking traits are in full swing).
The Experience, Strength and Hope I can offer you is to guard your heart (you can still love him from a distance) and look at his actions, do not listen to words. It's hard because my AH is charming, handsome, and tells me exactly what I want to hear (don't they all!). For the past two years I have listened to his words (yes, I will get another sponsor, yes, I will return to counseling) and I went into my own world of denial even though I knew better since I had attended the family program at the rehab center. I KNEW to always look at his actions, not listen to words. It's also hard because in a normal, healthy relationship, you can listen and trust words, as one should. But not in this f** up alcoholic world that I am fighting to get out of. I wish I had been stronger and put him out of the house as soon as I realized he was rejecting his program of recovery. But I didn't and I can't go back and re-do things and I did still love him at that point in time. But I do kick myself every day because of this. IMHO, when the alcoholic decides to stop drinking, it is only the first step. Active recovery is another roller coaster ride that is not impossible, but, well, too much of a roller coaster ride for me.
I had a complete "shift" last spring and I realized that I no longer love my AH. Too much damage had been done to the relationship - damage that he mostly caused and damage that continued since he was not willing to change and mature like most of us are. Finally, I woke up one day and I changed. I was waiting around for him to "get it" - for him to see how wonderful his wife and daughter are and instead I finally "got" it. Without that "shift", I am certain I would still be hanging on.
I wish you the best in your difficult journey.
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