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Old 11-01-2008, 08:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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the absence of light


I hate talking about my feelings, especially with other people. Because for the most part, they don't understand what it's like. And those that do understand they're they're already got it bad enough. My father's an alcoholic, I can say it on this forum but if a friend came and asked me, I'd lie my ass off and then make up some lame ass excuse (which unfortunately have gotten better) as to why they can't come over. Or I get all defensive with my best friends and pretty much tell them to f off, and leave me alone when they insist on coming over. And then when his stupid music starts and the floor shakes from the bass, which I must include that it's Bob Dyland he's listening too. Not a hip hop song where bass is, but freakin' Bob Dyland! And then he sneaks up into my room and takes my guitar down back to his drinking room and plays...all f.ing night. And it comes back to me with dents that I didn't cause, and he's so drunk that he's grey! And all I want to do sometimes is kick and yell and scream at him, not because he's ruining my stuff but because He's ruining me. He's going to do what he wants with his body, but he doesn't realize what he's been doing to me for years. You would think after your own daughter tried to kill herself that you'd get the hint. But nope...he instead goes away for weekends down at the trailor where he drinks more 24 cases in one weekend then anyone should in their life. And then he comes home being a total ******* and is shaking from detoxing. I hate him....I cannot wait to leave. My own house, I can't wait to go as far away from. How twisted is that? And I have all these friggin emotions pouring out of me and I'm still trying to find the hope inside the Pandora's Box that I've become. I feel empty inside, like if you opened me up you would find black--no colors, black the absence of light.
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Old 11-01-2008, 08:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't know how old you are but you should report him to DCF. This cycle has to stop with you. Bob Dylan isn't so bad if listened to in the right way. If he is hurting you then you need to talk to someone.
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Old 11-01-2008, 08:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Not all parents are good ones i know that ... ive been through it and have years of meantal scaring that still needs to heal. Everlong from the land of chicken (lol i luv it) maybe u should seek some counselling, it may help u learn of ways to deal with this and understand ur dads putting himself and u through all this.

Bob Dyland .... lol - its really not cool huh.

oh n yes im going to counselling for myself regarding drug n family issues n i find that it really helps.

=]
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Old 11-01-2008, 09:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Growing up with alcoholic parents stinks. Lots of things helped me (finding a therapist to talk to, learning about adult children of alcoholics--there's a whole forum here just for people like you and me--Al-Anon, journaling, this place, etc.)

But the thing that changed everything for me was finding a way to get out and get away from the chaos. I did it at 17, and it was hard, but nothing like the horror of living in the mess for so many years.

Do you have a plan? Do you have somewhere else you could go, or a plan to escape it? Even before I could leave, just having a PLAN made things more tolerable.

Good luck
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Old 11-02-2008, 10:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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hey Everlong--
I also grew up with an alcoholic father (thank God no Bob Dylan though, that might have done me in!). I also lied constantly to my friends - it became second nature for a while and something I had to work hard to unlearn...

The first thing I learned about lying was that when I stopped and opened up to people about what the real deal was amazing things started to happen- like many hands reached out to help me...

How old are you? Can you try AlaTeen or AlAnon? If you are in Buffalo (just a guess "chicken wings!") there are many many meetings, they are all anonymous, and you might find some help there to begin the road to your own peace of mind.

http://www.upstate.edu/al-anon/buffalo2006.pdf
24hr hotline (716) 856 2520

I didn't get into AlAnon until I was in my 20's but it was a real life-saver, I wish I'd found it when I was a teenager.

I agree w/ GiveLove - making a plan to get out is a real good start. I couldn't wait to get away from my family and my small town - I got out at 19 and it was so great to be FREEEEEEEEEEEE! Even if you can't leave town - if your home life is unbearable is there any other family members you could live with while you make your plan?

Even if right now you can't physically get away- it is great you have found this board to post on - try "getting away" mentally every day - a little quiet time to meditate on YOU and your plans will help you!

Also one-on-one counseling helped me alot to finally come to terms with my childhood...just take it one day at a time - don't hurt yourself, reach out locally and DO NOT BE ASHAMED! You didn't Cause it- You can't Control it, and You can't Cure it...it is HIS problem not yours and is not a reflection on you in any way!

Peace-
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Old 11-02-2008, 11:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Everlong,

I'm sorry for your pain, honey. I also had an alcoholic father, and an alcoholic husband (now ex). Please listen to all the excellent advice.

Please also know how excellent of a writer I think you are. This writing you spilled, so full of emotion and angst and knowledge and insight, is brilliant. I would love to know your age, I would love to know that you submitted this to a teacher who might keep your confidence and not force you to say anymore, but to just have someone to acknowledge you personally and to also commend you for your skill at written communication. Hopefully you are considering college, and may see yourself as someone who can help others someday. Definitely keep a journal if you aren't already, and put this in as your first entry. You have talent.
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Old 11-02-2008, 12:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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wow

been there, done that, ran away from home.

Black, the absence of colors...jesus God I know that feeling....

For me, what I did was apply myself in school so I could get afternoons off and got a job and saved $$$ until I had enough to run away from home, actually I put my "electives" in the afternoon and just went to work instead and told the vice principle and my counselor what I was doing and why, they actually helped me, and the vice principle actually had me working in his office in the AM entering "attendance" for all the classes every day. I should track those two down and thank them one day actually.

I also spent every moment I could at some friends with a "healthy" home, spending the night there, having dinner there, until they just about "adopted" me, that was 33 years ago when I met them they are still my "best friends" today.

Have you tried alateen? I never went so I know nothing about it, but I found AA and alanon helpful, maybe talking to other people who have similar situations might be helpful, it was for me.

Good luck, keep posting.
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Old 11-02-2008, 01:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Everlong,
No question - you Dad's behavior sucks and it is harmful to you, even if he does like Dylan. There is no excuse. I had two alcoholic parents, plus a few uncles. I hated and feared my father when he was drunk, and my mother just drank to withdraw from the world.
So what to do? You didn't cause your Dad's drinking but you can't cure it either. That is his road to travel.
You are in your parents' house until you can find a way to leave. You can take GiveLove's advice and make a plan (where to go, what to do, who to go to). Just running away won't help.
There are adults you can trust and talk to. I have worked with a lot of teachers and they really really hate it when they can see a kid suffering from a rotten home life, but you HAVE to go them first. Even the toughest coldest ones will go to to great lengths to listen and help out a kid IF that kid asks for help. There may be helpful relatives too.
Ala-teen is a GREAT resource. I wish it was around when I grew up.
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Old 12-01-2008, 09:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
I don't know how old you are but you should report him to DCF. This cycle has to stop with you. Bob Dylan isn't so bad if listened to in the right way. If he is hurting you then you need to talk to someone.
OMG! That Bob Dylan certainly has a lot to answer for. MY AH's binges centre on Bob Dylan's music - he's totally obsessive about him! Friday and Sat nights are the worst - he comes home from work, sends me to the bedroom ('cause I'm pretty well over BD), puts the BD videos on and starts drinking and doesn't really stop until Sunday night. If I protest he goes into a terrible rage and nearly wrecks the house (not me yet, luckily). We have lost nearly all our friends and can't go anywhere 'cause he has embarrassed me so many times (the Bob Dylan concerts were the worst - I'm never going to another one with him!). And just recently he flew into one of his rages in front of my sister and her friends - I nearly died from the humiliation. My sister was terrified by the look in his eyes.

His son has also banned him from seeing his new granddaughter because he "doesn't want a drunk around her". So that depresses him and he drinks more. His mother is the only person he will listen to but she won't help 'cause she's in total denial and thinks I'm making things up.

Lots more to say, but I'll spare you all - it's just that the "Bob Dylan" reference jumped out at me!
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