tiredlady2006

Does that sound dramatic? I feel like I have become a dramatic person now that I'm dealing with an alcholic husband. I think my life used to be somewhat normal.

My husband has started drinking again, every single night! This morning I counted 11 beers. Almost back up to his normal 18 beers a night from 2 years ago. The other morning I went to the store, at 8am, and when I came back home he had a 24 ounce can of beer while he was watching our two little children, 4 and 14 months.

The fact that he's drinking again, of course upsets me, but also the sneaking around, hiding his stash in the basement, saying he needs to go to the store for snacks but really buying beer. This is really bothering me. Being so nice to my face and then when I go to bed, he lives his other life.

Everyone tells me I need to talk to him. I feel like, what for? So I can be told how wrong I am and then argue for 3 weeks? Why would I want to make life harder for myself.

ugh, just needed to get that out.

Ago

Why are you counting his beers?

tiredlady2006

I don't know! Its like I'm trying to convince myself that he's drinking again. Man, talk aout a one line question really getting to a point. haha.

lost411

Yea, I count the beers too. He doesnt like it when I get mad when he throws the empties in the trash rather than the recycle bin. Oh well.

queenteree

For every rat you see, there's 50 you don't, so why count the beers? Is it helping anything? Having been there, done that, it didn't! Only made me more crazy. My opinion, work on you and leave the beer drinking and hiding to him.

inahaze

I've counted before, says he'll quit and slowly builds back up within 6 months to a year.

He won't change what he doens't think is wrong.

Rella927

Exactly! Drinking or no drinking when a problem arises that someone does not want to deal with for whatever reason that you see they may not see as being wrong so holding our breathe and waiting to see if they do IMHO is not worth the heart ache that is encountered along with it!

Counting beers.....putting the line on the vodka bottle...all a waste of energy! I know I did it too-I finally walked away and started to take care of myself

to you!

Barbara52

So his behaviors is unacceptable to you. What do you want to do about it? You cannot change him but you can make changes in yourself and your life to make it better.

Still Waters

tiredlady, if you don't feel that you can talk to him - or feel that it would make the situation even worse for you, perhaps you can find a counselor to speak with?

justaboutus

This is how I look at it: When you cheat, you're choosing someone over your spouse... priorities are shifted. It's the same thing when someone chooses beer over their spouse.

tiredlady2006

Yes, I have been seeing someone for a year. I don't know how many people I need to tell me that I need to leave, before I actually do it. Its that same old "he was nice to me today" deal that I'm falling into over and over.

laurie6781

Maybe it's time to focus on your CHILDREN. This is AFFECTING them even if you don't think so.

Children are little sponges and they absorb everything, the tension in the house, the smell of alcohol, your stress. Is this what you really want for the Children? I doubt it.

You need to work with your counselor to figure out what is BEST for YOU and the CHILDREN and then do it.

I know its sound like a humongous chore but taking it in baby steps it won't be. Alanon is great for this. Helps us with taking small baby steps and slowly growing and changing until we can make a decision and stick to it.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

freya

Well, personally, I think it's perfectly natural to feel like you're being cheated on in the situation that you've described. When my partner had her dry-drunk relapse I most certainly felt like I was being cheated on.....because I was!

Here is another passage from the "Addiction, Lies and Relationships" article that has been discussed recently in the thread about addicts and truthfullness:

As the addictive process consumes more of the addict's self and lifeworld, his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst –and far more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

As far as I can tell, the idea that only sexual infidelity constitutes "cheating" is pure bunk and says more about our culture's bizarre attitudes towards sex than it says about what is truly important and necessary in the context of a primary, committed, love relationship.

So, perhaps some questions to consider might be: If you got up in the morning and found 11 other women in your bed, would you be wondering if you were overreacting? If you came home to find him scre*wing another woman in the bedroom while he was supposedly babysitting your 2 kids, would you be asking us if your feelings about that -- however extreme they might be -- were too "dramatic"?????

I kinda doubt it.

I've learned that my feelings are an important and powerful gift because they are there to direct my attention toward things I need to work on, take care of, or do to protect myself. Instead of trying to dismiss your feelings as a "over-reaction," what do you suppose might happen if you feel them through, honor them, and figure out what they're trying to tell you?????

freya

tiredlady2006

Freya! you are so right. I mean, I'd like to think that if I came home and saw him with 11 other women I would leave immediately. Sometimes I just make so many freaking excuses for everything its pathetic!

Thank you all so much for your advice. I just need someone to just smack me in the face and wake me up, but the people close to you are too worried about saying something mean.

Tarheel

TL,

Sounds like you are "letting the reality in" and beginning to accept what you see. Such a hard thing to do!!

Trust the feeling in your belly. There's a whole lot of information about your truth in there.

Take good care.

TH

equinessa

Well I must be one of the people who see infidelity as quite a separate issue from alcoholism. I say that because it affects me quite differently, both badly I might add, but infidelity to significantly deeper levels. The intensity of my emotions and the sickness of the thinking.....the paranoia, the betrayal, the jealousy, the murderous thoughts a la Othello, Medea, the basis of some of our most brutal tragedies.

brundle

I must admit that my bitterness, anger and resentment have gotten to a place that even Othello may have feared to tread. For my AH has scorned me without ever having let one other living soul into our bedroom; although I must admit I'm not sure with his declining moral code how far off that is. I could easily think of murder; but so as not to feel like a monster I pray for a simple hear attack...

Alcohol is my husband dark mistress and he bends to her call.

blessed4x

tiredlady.......I used to count my AH's beer cans, too. It wore me out, and I'm not sure what good the information did because he went from a 6-pack a day to a 12-pack, then an 18-pack, and finally last winter a 30-pack plus I started finding vodka bottles. I never told anyone until last spring, and when I did I was so far in denial that I really thought that might be "normal drinking", until I saw the shock on their faces. Now I know I was just as sick as him........except he continues to drink however much he is drinking and I have started the hard work of my recovery.

He still denies he is an alcoholic, or even has "a problem". I KNOW I have a problem, and I'm the only one that can fix it. There are some very smart and experienced people here. You will be shocked at how much you grow personally if you stick around and keep posting!