DAISY66

My dh would have been sober 3 years this December. Last night he drank and it was as though we went back in time. I forgot everything I had learned from this forum in the months prior to his getting sober. To put it bluntly, I reacted very badly, I was completely blindsided.
Question is, how do I react to this? After 3 years of normalcy and having my husband back, what now? I really don't think I can go through this again. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this summer and life has been soo good, or so it has been for me.

Freedom1990

Do you attend Alanon? I've found it has helped me tremendously in not reacting to the A's in my life, and focusing on my own recovery.

Jadmack25

Yes, I know that gut wrenching feeling very well. I also exploded and thru any ideas of detachment and keeping cool right out the window. All it did was make every day a living nightmare. I felt stunned that after all his past rotten experiences when drunk, and the hard time spent getting sober he had gone back to the cursed stuff. Afraid of repeating the past years of hell, and wondering where I had gone wrong to start him off. I was also angry at having my life turned inside out yet again and my hopes for a quiet life dashed for the umpteenth time. I also thought how dumb and stupid he was, knowing how bad the past drinking times had been for him, and he wanted to go back there yet again. Living thru it, over and over is sheer hell and I still have nightmares and flashbacks of some events that caused me utter agony. He is sober, for the 9th time this year, has been for a month now, but each time he goes to town I think to myself "is he going to drink today"?
He goes away soon to visit friends interstate, and although he has business to do there and "should" be kept busy, I dread him going, because I fear he will drink with them and call me for money if he's broke, as he's done before. I hope your man stops very soon and you can get back to some normality and happiness again.
God bless you.

DII

Daisy,

Mt AW and I argue over this all the time. With each relapse my trust and love for my AW diminishes. I can't trust her and she can't guarantee anything will change. She sees progress and I see a consistent pattern. She is much more aware of the disease, it's effects and the things she needs to do to work her program........but inevitably she repeats the process and relapses! I too get to the point where I don't want to WAIT and put my life on hold forever!

Go with your heart. A good friend once told me that you are either all in or all out with your relationship. I got to a point where I knew even if my AW was sober forever I would still not be all in with her because of the things we had been through. It is a simple but straightforward way to look at it...

MsPINKAcres

((Daisy))

my thoughts & prayers go out to you & your loved one. Any relapse is difficult, but for me after that 3 yrs of sobriety - it was devasting.

It did of course do wonders for my personal recovery in al-anon and my spiritual growth. I become very close to my HP, read lots of literature, attended meetings and spoke with many recovering al-anons.

I can't tell you that I am grateful for the relapse but I am grateful the growth in me.

You can still take care of you - no matter your loved ones path.
HUGS,
Rita

FormerDoormat

I'll never forget that gut-wrenching feeling. That's why I took action to never feel that feeling or live that type of life again. My suffering ended when I ended my relationship. I've never regretted my decision.

Reminder

You admitted that you reacted very badly. The more important question here is how you are going to react to your own bad behavior rather than his.

Secondly, if you are asking people here how you should react, the moderator has made it quite clear that this isn't the place for people to give advice to others. Only personal ESH (experience, strength, hope) is allowed. I would also add the following to mix: I take other people's ESH with a grain of salt. Their personal experience may be right for them, but that doesn't mean it's right for everybody else.

Congratulations on your 3 years of normalcy and having your husband back. Many people who were married to A's never experienced what you have just experienced. I really appreciate you sharing your experience because it reinforces my belief that there are success stories out there of A's recovering and family life returning to normal. It's not all doom and gloom.

Having said all of that, you have hit a pothole in the road. The question before you is whether or not this relapse is a deal breaker for you or not, and only you can answer that. I can't answer that question and neither can anybody else here. You didn't mention whether or not you asked him if he wanted to talk about it. That's always a good place to start.

Peace.

denny57

Welcome, Daisy66, glad you're here!

I also recommend Al Anon. I have been to meetings in your area, as a friend has a cabin there. If that's not possible for you, maybe start by obtaining some of its literature. In my area, there is a meeting devoted to the subject of living with sobriety.

Does your husband work any kind of program, or get outside support? One relapse does not a disaster make.

I try today to not beat myself up over my own mistakes, including loss of temper. I make amends and move on.

Keep posting!

CatsPajamas

One of the things I have learned in my own recovery is Progress Not Perfection.

I know that I have slipped more than once. My Anon slip is not quite as obvious as an A's - it's not like I take a drink and can say "yep, that's the moment I slipped."

No, my slips are more insidious I think. I start to know what everyone else should be doing.... I start to keep tabs on my loved ones instead of remembering to keep the focus on me and let them make their own choices and let them have their own consequences.

If I am hungry, angry, lonely, tired - I tend to slip more easily.(they call that HALT- a time to check in with yourself) If life is going along smoothly and I don't continue to go to meetings and continue to do my reading etc? I am more likely to slip when something happens.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I have slipped, and it felt pretty yukky. Fortunately, my recovery friends were right there to pick me up, dust the brambles out of my hair and off my behind and help me get right back on my path.

I'm only responsible for my program, and for my own recovery. My loved ones will succeed ~ or not ~ without my help. Their lives and their recoveries are theirs to deal with.

BIG hugs
Cats

veryrestless722

dont feel bad about reacting badly, everyone has been there, im the worlds worst about it, my exah can bring out the worst in me every time, i wanted to leave things on a good note and i failed miserably at it, i walked out of his apartment screaming, ripped up his scratch off that he had where he won ten dollars (wasnt much but hes broke) , drove off didnt look back, then today i caved and sent a bunch of text messages being very petty and vindictive, of course i get no response from him cause he thinks im so mean all the time and i get mad too easily , im the cause for the divorce and i played right into that and acted exactly like that

but i forgive myself, i was striving to be perfect and let him convince me that i was the one who needed to change so much, i simply cant be perfect and anyone that really loves me will stick by me, he simply doesnt and pretty much told me he loves me but not in love with me, i think thats what set me off to begin with, but onward i go, im getting better everyday, i dont go nuts about anything but him or the things he does, hes my trigger point and its my own fault for becoming a nutcase around him lol

if hes been sober for 3 years, maybe this slip isnt the end of the world, if he realizes what he did and gets help for it immediately

i hope things work out for you and for him

DAISY66

Thank-you for all your responces. I have plenty to think about. AH has returned to AA and received his 24 hr chip. He too is riddled with guilt and remorse. I did tell him that if he was not actively seeking recovery that I would not subject myself or my children to his behaviour when drinking, he would have to leave. He understands the pain he has caused us and agrees with my decision. I will continue to work on myself and prepare for the worse but most importantly I will be more greatful for every sober day I have with him knowing it could end any time. I will live for today and today I have hope.

Jadmack25

God bless you and your family.

sslusser

That seems encouraging that he went to AA. I pray for you and your family.