Numb would be so much better
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
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Numb would be so much better
I wish I could just make this all go away. I want to be numb, I don't want to feel this hurt anymore. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want ot play this game...I just want to be numb. I've heard it said that when it rains it pours..well I'm about drowned. Life just keeps getting worse and worse, and I really see no point in it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Bumyd. Hang in there. I remember wanting everything you said, just someone make it all go away, or can I just run away. It's a tough walk, facing that life isn't wonderful and you are in some deep sh*t. Just know you are in the right place, that so many here have experienced these same feelings, and that from here on out, it can get better, a little at a time at first and not overnight, but it can get better.
Just wanted to let you know I hear you.
Just wanted to let you know I hear you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey bumyd, good to "see" you again.
Sounds like you've had an especially bad few days. Do you want to talk about it? What's been happening?
Remember, this room is full of people who've come through some pretty awful stretches of life too. There are lots of good ideas out here, and hugs, and people who give a damn. Tell us how we can help.
Sounds like you've had an especially bad few days. Do you want to talk about it? What's been happening?
Remember, this room is full of people who've come through some pretty awful stretches of life too. There are lots of good ideas out here, and hugs, and people who give a damn. Tell us how we can help.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome... boy do I know how you feel! It was not so long ago that I felt the very same things... after doing the same things over and over I honestly thought I was one of those people that just attracted bad things to happen... bad people in my life etc etc...
I can tell you today that I strongly believe that I had to go to that depth, I had to be in that much pain (and I have an extreemly high pain tolerance it seems) because sometimes it takes me being hit by a bus before Im in enough pain to change things.... be it my job, relationship, family dynamics... Im the type of person that will hold on to something/someone so tight I can choke the life out of it... regardless of if whatever it is is healthy for me or not.
Im so sorry your hurting ... and I would ask you to questions... are you in enough pain to change what is hurting you? To work toward the type of life you deserve and the senerity that we all can claim? I will pray that your solutions are just around the cornor.
I can tell you today that I strongly believe that I had to go to that depth, I had to be in that much pain (and I have an extreemly high pain tolerance it seems) because sometimes it takes me being hit by a bus before Im in enough pain to change things.... be it my job, relationship, family dynamics... Im the type of person that will hold on to something/someone so tight I can choke the life out of it... regardless of if whatever it is is healthy for me or not.
Im so sorry your hurting ... and I would ask you to questions... are you in enough pain to change what is hurting you? To work toward the type of life you deserve and the senerity that we all can claim? I will pray that your solutions are just around the cornor.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bumyd)))
Sorry that you're hurting so much. I've been there and it's hard. I promise, though, these feelings don't last.
When we hit bottom, we can only go up. It's not easy, but it's very much worth it.
When I got out of jail, I was feeling like you are. I was told to make a gratitude list. The only thing I could figure out to be grateful for, that day, was a soft pillow and bed (they certainly aren't soft in jail). There was a lot more I should have been grateful for, but that was all I could think of at the time. I did the gratitude list every day, and before long it was a really long list.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry that you're hurting so much. I've been there and it's hard. I promise, though, these feelings don't last.
When we hit bottom, we can only go up. It's not easy, but it's very much worth it.
When I got out of jail, I was feeling like you are. I was told to make a gratitude list. The only thing I could figure out to be grateful for, that day, was a soft pillow and bed (they certainly aren't soft in jail). There was a lot more I should have been grateful for, but that was all I could think of at the time. I did the gratitude list every day, and before long it was a really long list.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Apparently when I talk about it I'm whinning.
Everything seems to be my fault.
He got into my house Monday when I was gone and had gone through some papers on my desk. In september I went to the doctors, over the course of the following weeks, I had mammos, ultrasounds, and biopsies done. October 23,rd I was diagnosed with IBC.....I never told him, didn't want that to be an excuse to let him stay. He had been so abusive in the bedroom I just couldn't deal anymore....That's why I made him leave, so I didn't think I should let that affect my decision...I had to be able to take care of myself without worrying about when he was going to be home, how much he had to drink, and how bad it was gonna be at night. I just thought it was best. Well he found my reports and now It's all my fault. I brought this all on myself, and my kids. All I have heard since monday is how can I do this to them, He's called my mother, he's called my church..he's given them all his story and now I'm being bombarded with..why in the world would I keep something like this from him...did I not think about how this would change things, did I not think about the kids. who is gonna be there for them. My thoughts were..If he didn't care enough about me to not force me to do things in bed than why would I want pitty concern from him because of this. I thought I deserved to be happy and I thought my kids did too...and I thought the only way to accomplish that was to make him leave. But everyone else seems to think different. I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of being told I'm handeling it wrong and I need to give him another chance..I'm tired of being told I can't do it alone. I don't want pitty love. But everyone..and I mean everyone that hes told seems to think that I'm not gonna be able to do it without him...when what I need to hear is that I'm doing the right thing. I thought I was ready for the battle....I thought I had a church family that would be there to support me emotionally...not tell me I'm overreacting...I can't tell them that he basically raped me every night...and he did...he literally held me down and forced me....but he failed to tell them all that, so It's all my fault.
I'm sorry about all this..I know that so many go through so much worse, I'm just so tired and not seeing the point. I came home from having the port put in today to an answering machine full of messages from him..my mother..my pastor...saying Michelle...you really need to reconsider..you need him....What I need is a friend that understands..not a husband that does what he does. I need a shoulder and arms to tell me it's gonna be okay...not a voice telling me I'm ruining my kids lives.
Everything seems to be my fault.
He got into my house Monday when I was gone and had gone through some papers on my desk. In september I went to the doctors, over the course of the following weeks, I had mammos, ultrasounds, and biopsies done. October 23,rd I was diagnosed with IBC.....I never told him, didn't want that to be an excuse to let him stay. He had been so abusive in the bedroom I just couldn't deal anymore....That's why I made him leave, so I didn't think I should let that affect my decision...I had to be able to take care of myself without worrying about when he was going to be home, how much he had to drink, and how bad it was gonna be at night. I just thought it was best. Well he found my reports and now It's all my fault. I brought this all on myself, and my kids. All I have heard since monday is how can I do this to them, He's called my mother, he's called my church..he's given them all his story and now I'm being bombarded with..why in the world would I keep something like this from him...did I not think about how this would change things, did I not think about the kids. who is gonna be there for them. My thoughts were..If he didn't care enough about me to not force me to do things in bed than why would I want pitty concern from him because of this. I thought I deserved to be happy and I thought my kids did too...and I thought the only way to accomplish that was to make him leave. But everyone else seems to think different. I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of being told I'm handeling it wrong and I need to give him another chance..I'm tired of being told I can't do it alone. I don't want pitty love. But everyone..and I mean everyone that hes told seems to think that I'm not gonna be able to do it without him...when what I need to hear is that I'm doing the right thing. I thought I was ready for the battle....I thought I had a church family that would be there to support me emotionally...not tell me I'm overreacting...I can't tell them that he basically raped me every night...and he did...he literally held me down and forced me....but he failed to tell them all that, so It's all my fault.
I'm sorry about all this..I know that so many go through so much worse, I'm just so tired and not seeing the point. I came home from having the port put in today to an answering machine full of messages from him..my mother..my pastor...saying Michelle...you really need to reconsider..you need him....What I need is a friend that understands..not a husband that does what he does. I need a shoulder and arms to tell me it's gonna be okay...not a voice telling me I'm ruining my kids lives.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
sweetie, you're not whining. You have every right to be frustrated and I'm sorry you're getting no help from those who should be supporting you.
You, absolutely, have every right to have a happy life WITHOUT him. It's hard as he!! to not tell everyone intimate details that they don't know about, and have to hear them responding to only his side.
Is there anyone you can get support from for just you? Even a counselor? If I were you, I know I'd be furious, having to listen to all that you are being bombarded with. I would also feel very overwhelmed. You are having to deal with a lot.
Please keep posting...we do care.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You, absolutely, have every right to have a happy life WITHOUT him. It's hard as he!! to not tell everyone intimate details that they don't know about, and have to hear them responding to only his side.
Is there anyone you can get support from for just you? Even a counselor? If I were you, I know I'd be furious, having to listen to all that you are being bombarded with. I would also feel very overwhelmed. You are having to deal with a lot.
Please keep posting...we do care.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs*
My husband also raped me, I completely understand where your coming from... and I also had people tell me I needed to work the marriage out, that I was wrong to break up my family, that my daughter deserved to live with her father and mother.... I was drug through the mud over my decision to divorce my husband... when he ran out of truths to push me with he started lying.... he actually convienced his family that I preferred women and was having an affair with a women... it was horrible. Not to mention I was broke and struggling....
Im sorry to her of your illness, and my prayers are with you... and your children.
My daughter was 2 when I made that decision and today she is 19 and it was the best decision I ever made. I wanted to keep the details of why I was leaving to myself and not tell everyone but when push came to shove I finally just told my truth. Then I let it go.
Maybe if you would explain to the minister he would understand and your close family? Besides that though.... one thing to alway remember. Be true to yourself because when push comes to shove.... you will only spend the rest of your live with you... you have to protect, love and trust yourself.
My husband also raped me, I completely understand where your coming from... and I also had people tell me I needed to work the marriage out, that I was wrong to break up my family, that my daughter deserved to live with her father and mother.... I was drug through the mud over my decision to divorce my husband... when he ran out of truths to push me with he started lying.... he actually convienced his family that I preferred women and was having an affair with a women... it was horrible. Not to mention I was broke and struggling....
Im sorry to her of your illness, and my prayers are with you... and your children.
My daughter was 2 when I made that decision and today she is 19 and it was the best decision I ever made. I wanted to keep the details of why I was leaving to myself and not tell everyone but when push came to shove I finally just told my truth. Then I let it go.
Maybe if you would explain to the minister he would understand and your close family? Besides that though.... one thing to alway remember. Be true to yourself because when push comes to shove.... you will only spend the rest of your live with you... you have to protect, love and trust yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Church is...was...my only outlet, I have no friends, was never allowed to make any. I'm the youth director and I guessI 've got it in my head that if anyone found out just how unstable I am right now..I would loose that too...but then do I even deserve to be there...I feel like I'm being fake with the. I tell them they can trust me and turn to me if ever they need it...They look at me as a comfort...a strength and I just don't want to loose that. Thoses kids are my safe place. So I feel like I have to keep this strong face....around them and my boys. How could someone that lets these things happen be a good example to the youth...Ijust don't know what to do
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by bumyd 
I need a shoulder and arms to tell me it's gonna be okay.
You got it.....cyber shoulders, a big ((((hug))), and confirmation that not only is it GOING TO BE okay, it IS okay. Sounds like you are following your heart for the first time in a long time. People are used to seeing you as the pleaser, the one who won't make rifts and (if you're like me) you've been a really good actress. So good, in fact, that people will have a hard time seeing the true life you've been hiding. And you know what, they don't need to see it at all. It's your reality and not theirs.
And I used to think that "numb would be so much better" too. The more I am learning about myself and my codependency, the more I feel.....the anger, sadness, frustration, and at times even the joy. I am praying for a miracle for you. Know that here you are free from judgement and will always have a fellow traveler to bounce things off of.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Until these people have walked in your shoes, they really can't judge what is right or wrong for you, can they? It's not even their fault. They just don't know, and they don't need to know if you don't want them to. You don't have to tell others anything you don't want to, but you also know best what is right for you, and what is right for your children. This man sounds toxic, you sound level-headed enough to know that, and your decision has been made. You do not have to go back on that decision, IBC or not. Look yourself in the mirror tonight and tell yourself you've made your decision, the one that YOU can live with and survive with for your boys. You don't need to second guess yourself anymore, sweetie. Have faith that your HP is standing right beside you, holding you up and giving you strength, perhaps through us on this board tonight. I believe in you.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((((((((((((((bumyd)))))))))))))))))))
Sending you a prayer for strength, health, and peace of mind.
Sounds to me like you are taking responsibility for your own health.
You have kicked the abuser out.
Now you are gearing up to battle IBC - to kick THAT abuser out!
Stay the course- you don' t have to listen to ANYONE but that small voice inside of YOU. She knows what she wants...she may not know, right now, how to get there from here, but she knows to keep moving in the right direction.
If your family (your mom, etc.) knew the truth about why you do not want your ex in your life would they rally around you and stop pushing your ex on you? I understand if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable - or if they are not capable of supportiveness, only you know what will feel safe--- but for me, keeping secrets which protect bad people from real consequences, or prevented me from facing reality was a block to my serenity and mental health.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting?
Or find some local one-on-one private therapy?
Ask your doctor about a cancer support group - they are free, you might meet some potential new friends there.
Also your hospital should have a social worker you can speak to - who might be able to guide you to some therapy....
Most therapists offer a sliding scale if money is an issue.
I just wish there was one rational person in your world you could be honest with and who could counter those voices harassing you. Try to keep up your courage and reach out to someone safe around you for help!
You're not alone!! More (((hugs))) to you--
Peace-
B.
Sending you a prayer for strength, health, and peace of mind.
Sounds to me like you are taking responsibility for your own health.
You have kicked the abuser out.
Now you are gearing up to battle IBC - to kick THAT abuser out!
Stay the course- you don' t have to listen to ANYONE but that small voice inside of YOU. She knows what she wants...she may not know, right now, how to get there from here, but she knows to keep moving in the right direction.
If your family (your mom, etc.) knew the truth about why you do not want your ex in your life would they rally around you and stop pushing your ex on you? I understand if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable - or if they are not capable of supportiveness, only you know what will feel safe--- but for me, keeping secrets which protect bad people from real consequences, or prevented me from facing reality was a block to my serenity and mental health.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting?
Or find some local one-on-one private therapy?
Ask your doctor about a cancer support group - they are free, you might meet some potential new friends there.
Also your hospital should have a social worker you can speak to - who might be able to guide you to some therapy....
Most therapists offer a sliding scale if money is an issue.
I just wish there was one rational person in your world you could be honest with and who could counter those voices harassing you. Try to keep up your courage and reach out to someone safe around you for help!
You're not alone!! More (((hugs))) to you--
Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I believe in you too, bumyd.
You are doing the right thing, and you know it.
Your kids will grow up with a mom who stood up for herself, even when everyone around her seemed to believe the lies being told by her so-called husband.
I know you think you need to keep your secrets, but there is a nagging feeling in me about that. These people need to know that you broke off the marriage because you were abused. You don't need to go into detail. If they're all as cowardly as they seem to ME, they won't ask for details. But it might be really freeing for you to answer them with the truth, in a quick note, an email, or a voicemail of your own:
That you were abused for many years and suffered in silence,
that you thought for a long time you had to stay regardless,
that you finally found the strength to end it, and
that YOU STAND BY YOUR DECISION AND DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE.
That means, no more messages, no more calls, no more ANYTHING unless they're ready to be supportive. You need these people like you need a hole in the head.
Ahhh, that's unfair of me. They are pressuring you because they believe a lie they've been told. And because they are meddlers.
Only you can dispel that lie.
But do what you feel you must.......a counselor can help you sort all of this out, and I'd really suggest you do that sooner rather than later. Women's shelters also have great counseling for women who've lived through the trauma of abuse. It will help you SO much with this ugly stress. Stress kills. And we want you to LIVE.
I would want my kids counseled by someone who is as strong as you (thought it doesn't feel like it at this very moment)
Hope, hugs, and strength to you, bumyd. There is life beyond this. I swear there is.
You are doing the right thing, and you know it.
Your kids will grow up with a mom who stood up for herself, even when everyone around her seemed to believe the lies being told by her so-called husband.
I know you think you need to keep your secrets, but there is a nagging feeling in me about that. These people need to know that you broke off the marriage because you were abused. You don't need to go into detail. If they're all as cowardly as they seem to ME, they won't ask for details. But it might be really freeing for you to answer them with the truth, in a quick note, an email, or a voicemail of your own:
That you were abused for many years and suffered in silence,
that you thought for a long time you had to stay regardless,
that you finally found the strength to end it, and
that YOU STAND BY YOUR DECISION AND DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE.
That means, no more messages, no more calls, no more ANYTHING unless they're ready to be supportive. You need these people like you need a hole in the head.
Ahhh, that's unfair of me. They are pressuring you because they believe a lie they've been told. And because they are meddlers.
Only you can dispel that lie.
But do what you feel you must.......a counselor can help you sort all of this out, and I'd really suggest you do that sooner rather than later. Women's shelters also have great counseling for women who've lived through the trauma of abuse. It will help you SO much with this ugly stress. Stress kills. And we want you to LIVE.
I would want my kids counseled by someone who is as strong as you (thought it doesn't feel like it at this very moment)
Hope, hugs, and strength to you, bumyd. There is life beyond this. I swear there is.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Please don't apologize, dear, for your suffering. You have been violently abused and now you are facing the fears for your health. And you have two children you are trying to raise alone. And you have no one to confide in and trust. Sweetie, that is an enormous amount of suffering. It is no wonder you want to be numb, to give up. It is almost to much to bear.
Please don't give up. Send up prayers for God's help and intervention in your life. Ask for angels to hold you through this.
In my life, the worse times of all were the times my relationship with God became deeper than ever, and it changed me and it changed my life. I was broken and I needed a power greater than myself to make it through. I do not understand why we need to taste hell before we find heaven, but for me the darkest times were the times right before life was about to take a turn for the better. And I would be freed of what was poisoning me.
Do not give up. Find a new church, a new pastor, if you feel you need to. There is much love out there in many churches, and open arms for one who is suffering. Do not be afraid to make a change. God will be there in whatever church you step into seeking support and love, if you need to make a change.
Your children are lucky to have a mother with such dignity and courage. You do not yet know it, but you are a very special woman, and I believe God has great plans for your life and will turn this suffering to a light that you will shine on others.
Keep reading this site. You will not feel so alone, and in time, you will know just what you want and what you need to do.
Don't give up. Something good is on the way in your life. Hold on and pray.
Much love.
Please don't give up. Send up prayers for God's help and intervention in your life. Ask for angels to hold you through this.
In my life, the worse times of all were the times my relationship with God became deeper than ever, and it changed me and it changed my life. I was broken and I needed a power greater than myself to make it through. I do not understand why we need to taste hell before we find heaven, but for me the darkest times were the times right before life was about to take a turn for the better. And I would be freed of what was poisoning me.
Do not give up. Find a new church, a new pastor, if you feel you need to. There is much love out there in many churches, and open arms for one who is suffering. Do not be afraid to make a change. God will be there in whatever church you step into seeking support and love, if you need to make a change.
Your children are lucky to have a mother with such dignity and courage. You do not yet know it, but you are a very special woman, and I believe God has great plans for your life and will turn this suffering to a light that you will shine on others.
Keep reading this site. You will not feel so alone, and in time, you will know just what you want and what you need to do.
Don't give up. Something good is on the way in your life. Hold on and pray.
Much love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by blessed4x
. People are used to seeing you as the pleaser, the one who won't make rifts and (if you're like me) you've been a really good actress. So good, in fact, that people will have a hard time seeing the true life you've been hiding. And you know what, they don't need to see it at all. It's your reality and not theirs.
........Ask your doctor about a cancer support group - they are free, you might meet some potential new friends there.
Also your hospital should have a social worker you can speak to - who might be able to guide you to some therapy....
I have been on the verge..it's been right on the tip of my tongue, Then the shame takes over...at times I feel like it's my fault..I've let it happen for so long that I guess I just think someone would tell me I deserve it...I know better when I'm thinking level headed, but when that not so literal knife twists in a little deeper, it's hard to think clearly.
Thank you all so much. It feels ...I can't say good..nothing feels good right now, but more.....breathable, doable this morning....Thank you all!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
(((((Hugs)))))
I'm numb most of the time and I would rather be angry. Numb is a place beyond sad... You just keep going forward! Your my inspiration for today!
I wanted to write yesterday about wishing something would happen to my AH on the way home so he wouldn't get here. He had warned me that he expected sex. I've never been raped. I've always given in. He's hurt me, humiliated me and said things that if I never had to be touched again it would be a good thing.
I have a biopsy today. Anyway, I'm rambling...
All that said... I think your right; no one else knows what you have to live with! That great guy everyone else knows can be a monster behind closed doors!
I John 4( in the bible)says perfect love casts out fear. That's what your teaching your youth. Casting out fear is having the courage to do what you want to do (need to do) while you still feel afraid. Your doing that!
Hugs and Prayers!!
I'm numb most of the time and I would rather be angry. Numb is a place beyond sad... You just keep going forward! Your my inspiration for today!
I wanted to write yesterday about wishing something would happen to my AH on the way home so he wouldn't get here. He had warned me that he expected sex. I've never been raped. I've always given in. He's hurt me, humiliated me and said things that if I never had to be touched again it would be a good thing.
I have a biopsy today. Anyway, I'm rambling...
All that said... I think your right; no one else knows what you have to live with! That great guy everyone else knows can be a monster behind closed doors!
I John 4( in the bible)says perfect love casts out fear. That's what your teaching your youth. Casting out fear is having the courage to do what you want to do (need to do) while you still feel afraid. Your doing that!
Hugs and Prayers!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by bumyd
Have you read my book?
Today bumyed, you are not alone. You have a whole army of people wrapping their arms around you and lifting you up in prayer. Stay strong....and in the moments when you don't even have the strength to post (I think we've all had 'em) know we are still here rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 7
you are doing great
I admire the space you are in mentally. It took alot of hard work to get there. You have moved beyond the denial and have finally said "enough" I am better than this. You are not whining, you are not weak. You are truly strong. You have reached the step many of us haven't reached-telling him to move out. That took courage and alot of inner strength. Believe it or not-I see so much strength in you by your decisions. I wish I could give you a big hug and say-You are strong and wonderful and a good person. You know what-I think we get so beaten down sometimes that just a kind word would throw us into uncontrollable tears. I truly think you are strong and brave. Stay strong and brave you are an inspiration to others. I will think of you often today and hope each day brings you a little more peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((bumyd))) I feel for you. You are such a strong woman. I hope you listen to your inner voice. Stay strong, and believe that when you are honest with yourself and with others who are safe, you will continue to heal. It's taken me a long time to be honest, but I realize now how amazing it is to open up and find myself surrounded by people who care. We are here for you too!
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