Re: is this controlling behavior?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Re: is this controlling behavior?
Ladies,
I'm massively confused after reading that thread. As a guy in a difficult situation where the AW is having a relationship with someone else, is it a boundary or controlling if I say "Call or be with him if you want, but the next person you should call is the attorney of your choice".
Redd
I'm massively confused after reading that thread. As a guy in a difficult situation where the AW is having a relationship with someone else, is it a boundary or controlling if I say "Call or be with him if you want, but the next person you should call is the attorney of your choice".
Redd
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Redd,
From what you've told us, your AW is still having an emotional affair with her ex. That's worlds different from someone "forbidding" their partner from being friends with someone because they personally don't like them. Just my two cents.
GL
From what you've told us, your AW is still having an emotional affair with her ex. That's worlds different from someone "forbidding" their partner from being friends with someone because they personally don't like them. Just my two cents.
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Rebecca,
She spent the night with him, she spends hours on the phone with him, in her drunken rages she's said "I'm going to the only man that I ever truly loved"... etc.
Redd
She spent the night with him, she spends hours on the phone with him, in her drunken rages she's said "I'm going to the only man that I ever truly loved"... etc.
Redd
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Why not say, "I will not live with someone who chooses to spend the night with someone else, spends hours on the phone with him and tells me they love someone more than me. I deserve better." And then walk away.
That's what I finally woke up and did. Note the "finally."
That's what I finally woke up and did. Note the "finally."
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I didn't convey my boundaries to Richard. The boundaries I set were for me--not him. I simply decided what type of life I wanted to live, what type of behavior I was willing or not willing to put up with in a partner and what type of relationship I wanted to have.
When he broke those boundaries, I enforced them by walking away. No discussion was necessary because I didn't impose boundaries on him. I set them for myself.
When he broke those boundaries, I enforced them by walking away. No discussion was necessary because I didn't impose boundaries on him. I set them for myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Redd,
The boundary protects me, my space, my life or anything else that is mine.
Suppose that I draw a literal line in the sand between myself and another person and use that as my boundary...it's not a boundary at all because that other person is already standing over there on the do-not-cross side.
If I do this and expect them to hop back to my side of the line- I'm trying to control what they do and it just does not work that way.
People do what they want to, and they can do what they want to do to me unless and until I place a protective barrier around myself or do whatever else is necessary to stay out of harms way.
The boundary protects me, my space, my life or anything else that is mine.
Suppose that I draw a literal line in the sand between myself and another person and use that as my boundary...it's not a boundary at all because that other person is already standing over there on the do-not-cross side.
If I do this and expect them to hop back to my side of the line- I'm trying to control what they do and it just does not work that way.
People do what they want to, and they can do what they want to do to me unless and until I place a protective barrier around myself or do whatever else is necessary to stay out of harms way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Redd,
I'll be the callous one......I've read a lot of your posts and from what I hear your wife is not ready to take responsibility for her disease. Do you have children together? What is keeping you there together? You can always separate and if she works her program and still wants to work it out with you then you can do that.
Take care,
I'll be the callous one......I've read a lot of your posts and from what I hear your wife is not ready to take responsibility for her disease. Do you have children together? What is keeping you there together? You can always separate and if she works her program and still wants to work it out with you then you can do that.
Take care,
blue-eyed soul
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: south Louisiana
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
When he broke those boundaries, I enforced them by walking away. No discussion was necessary because I didn't impose boundaries on him. I set them for myself.
oh, that was so helpful for me! this is something i have been struggling with, and you just gave me the biggest moment of clarity. thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Reddmax
Ladies,
I'm massively confused after reading that thread. As a guy in a difficult situation where the AW is having a relationship with someone else, is it a boundary or controlling if I say "Call or be with him if you want, but the next person you should call is the attorney of your choice". Redd
I'm massively confused after reading that thread. As a guy in a difficult situation where the AW is having a relationship with someone else, is it a boundary or controlling if I say "Call or be with him if you want, but the next person you should call is the attorney of your choice". Redd
So you have read the responses. Are you still confused? I don't think your question has been answered, but I am interested in what you have to say. In the thread you refer to, I think there was a double standard at work. Hence, the confusion.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
I didn't convey my boundaries to Richard. The boundaries I set were for me--not him. I simply decided what type of life I wanted to live, what type of behavior I was willing or not willing to put up with in a partner and what type of relationship I wanted to have.
Why didn't you convey the boundaries you would have liked to have seen between the two of you?
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
When he broke those boundaries, I enforced them by walking away.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
I'm here to share my experience, strength, and hope and hopefully to answer Redd's question. I'm beginning to wonder if you're here to do the same or simply to stir up trouble.
We are all adults here speaking freely. If I find some comments to be offensive, as I did in the thread that Reddmax refers to, am I not free to say so? For a guy to say that he doesn't want his GF hanging out in bars with a divorced woman who hangs out in bars, but she can go with her to the movies, go shopping, go to cafes, etc. I am sorry if your offended, but that doesn't sound like a control freak to me. The OP asked if that was controlling. I said no and you said yes. I can live with that, and that is what adults do in the real world every day. I don't see the need for finger pointing and insinuations that somebody is a trouble maker if they disagree. Obviously, it's not that clear to everybody if Reddmax is confused.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Reminder: Why don't we all let Redmaxx decide if his question was answered or not? I am not trying to be critical, however, there have been several responses that he has not responded to. He is an adult and if he doesn't understand, it's his choice to ask more questions or not.
Peace.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Reminder
The OP asked if that was controlling. I said no and you said yes.
He asked for opinions, and I think the opinions shared by the board were pretty clear. What Redd chooses to do with those opinions is up to him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
HI all,
I want to remind you of the purpose of SR. We come here to find help, wisdom, support and understanding in dealing with alcoholic loved ones. Alcoholism is a disease of relationships, and most of us have been profoundly affected.
The best we can do is to share our own experience, strength and hope. If someone posts a question or a concern, please try to respond with how you dealt with a similar situation. What worked, what didn't, what you might do differently now that you have had time to think about it.
If you're having a bad day or if there's a particular poster who just makes your brain screech like fingers on a chalkboard? You can put that person on "ignore". You won't have to read their posts at all.
There's really nothing to be gained by picking apart someone else's posts or sentences - at that point it's all semantics and no longer about the topic at hand.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
Please try to keep on topic, be respectful, and remember that all of us are at different places in our recovery.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or concerns.
Cats
Forum Moderator
The
I want to remind you of the purpose of SR. We come here to find help, wisdom, support and understanding in dealing with alcoholic loved ones. Alcoholism is a disease of relationships, and most of us have been profoundly affected.
The best we can do is to share our own experience, strength and hope. If someone posts a question or a concern, please try to respond with how you dealt with a similar situation. What worked, what didn't, what you might do differently now that you have had time to think about it.
If you're having a bad day or if there's a particular poster who just makes your brain screech like fingers on a chalkboard? You can put that person on "ignore". You won't have to read their posts at all.
There's really nothing to be gained by picking apart someone else's posts or sentences - at that point it's all semantics and no longer about the topic at hand.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
Please try to keep on topic, be respectful, and remember that all of us are at different places in our recovery.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or concerns.
Cats
Forum Moderator
The
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
HI all,
I want to remind you of the purpose of SR. We come here to find help, wisdom, support and understanding in dealing with alcoholic loved ones. Alcoholism is a disease of relationships, and most of us have been profoundly affected.
The best we can do is to share our own experience, strength and hope. If someone posts a question or a concern, please try to respond with how you dealt with a similar situation.
I want to remind you of the purpose of SR. We come here to find help, wisdom, support and understanding in dealing with alcoholic loved ones. Alcoholism is a disease of relationships, and most of us have been profoundly affected.
The best we can do is to share our own experience, strength and hope. If someone posts a question or a concern, please try to respond with how you dealt with a similar situation.
Peace.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Reddmax
As a guy in a difficult situation where the AW is having a relationship with someone else, is it a boundary or controlling if I say "Call or be with him if you want, but the next person you should call is the attorney of your choice".
I was sick and tired of being treated like crap. It's easy to be confused when you're in the thick of all the alcoholic drama BS, but my friend you are being treated like shite. You deserve better. When you come to the conclusion that you are worth more than the treatment you are accepting, you will make a change.
Her choices and behavior are hers to own. Your choices and your behavior is yours to own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Jazzman,
That's the clearest explanation I've gotten. My reasiong is this. I've set a boundary, that I'm not going to cross. I don't control what she does, I control what I do. I will not be a party to a triangle. Then I will go down my own path.
Redd
That's the clearest explanation I've gotten. My reasiong is this. I've set a boundary, that I'm not going to cross. I don't control what she does, I control what I do. I will not be a party to a triangle. Then I will go down my own path.
Redd
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 23
I tend to agree with jazzman. While I am not currently in your situation, I have thought about it. Part of my recovery is to not react, but rather make a choice.
What's difficult is to not personalize the A's destructive behavior. Is this straying a pattern? If it isn't, then perhaps this is part of her bottom. Detachment is a powerful tool that may help you recognize a pattern.
If you can, begin or continue the documentation process.
She is very I'll.
What's difficult is to not personalize the A's destructive behavior. Is this straying a pattern? If it isn't, then perhaps this is part of her bottom. Detachment is a powerful tool that may help you recognize a pattern.
If you can, begin or continue the documentation process.
She is very I'll.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
