herewego

I tend to agree with jazzman. While I am not currently in your situation, I have thought about it. Part of my recovery is to not react, but rather make a choice.
What's difficult is to not personalize the A's destructive behavior. Is this straying a pattern? If it isn't, then perhaps this is part of her bottom. Detachment is a powerful tool that may help you recognize a pattern.
If you can, begin or continue the documentation process.
She sounds quite ill and out of control.
Just for today

Kimmieh

Personally, I find it much easier to accept a partner's deal breaker when I know why he does not want me to do a certain thing. For example:

I don't ever want a gun in my house. I am afraid of them and would not feel comfortable. I will not say "it's the gun or me," but I will tell my partner how I feel and a respectful and considerate partner will not bring a gun to my house. Note that of course we all have different perceptions of where "considerate" starts and ends.

The same goes for drugs and in addiction, I will not be involved, even indirectly in anything illegal that could get me in trouble. I cannot deal with the stress. Again, it's not a matter of "that or me." I just can't and I make that clear from the beginning.

Another deal breaker is cheating. I cannot be a with a man knowing he is with someone else. I might be codependent, but that is not happening because it throws me into panic mode so badly that I even broke up with my ex who I was obsessed with because being with him and being cheated on was worse than being without him.

Abuse is another one.

I don't see these things as "telling him what to do," but rather as letting him know what I cannot handle and also WHY I cannot handle it. There are reasons for every single one of them.

If my partner told me not to go out to the bars with a gf, I would want to know why and see from there. If he refused to explain, I would feel controlled. If he gives me a reasonable explanation, we can see about that. If the explanation is "I am afraid that you make bad choices," then he has trust issues and I will say that he needs to work on those. If he feels uncomfortable knowing that I will drink while he can't, then I have to figure out if I want to participate in his recovery to that degree.

Boundaries need to have clear and reasonable reasons and negotiating what is acceptable and non-acceptable for partners in a relationship is not exclusive to alcoholism, recovery, etc. There have been boundaries in all of my relationships and they were discussed, explained and either a compromise was found or not.

Reminder

Hi Kimmieh:

Negotiating boundaries is what it's all about. Just because somebody is an alcoholic doesn't mean that she has forfeited all rights to negotiate boundaries. I have my deal breakers (alcoholism being one of them) and I am sure she has hers. I don't set boundaries; I negotiate them.

Peace.