justaboutus

My attorney has officially given me the ok to rock the boat again. I want to lay down some boundaries and see what happens. All I want is 'normal', but being a codie, I can't seem to remember what normal is. I know 'no drinking', 'no cursing', 'no throwing', and 'no porn' are on my list, but I can't see any further than that because... a relationship beyond that is somehow unimaginable to me. :help [Don't ya hate it when you realize how sick you really are?] Come on, help me remember what normal is.

Silverberry1331

Hi my dear one!

I do not know what normal is...I never ever grew up with normal. I can only know a little about what my recovery is teaching me. So don't feel bad--p.s. I think normal is only on T.V.

I see you have no cursing...this is excellent! When I have to write a paper on a particular topic, I brainstorm...so in this case, I have communication in the middle of the page, circled...what do I associate with good communication....low tones...topic talk (no past instances)...honesty...accountability...listening. ..feedback...appropriate time and place...responsibility for my words...assertive but non aggressive body language.

Now is the A going to follow this? Maybe not, but to me, it is more about me than about the A...

Hope this helps...

good_luck

This is an interesting post. Personally, I found it impossible to create "normal" with my ex. And, yeah, I also forgot what it was.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but a year out of the relationship, I totally remember and live normal. About a month ago, I was struck by the fact that I recognize my life again.

So, I guess I don't have any advice. Just encouragement. Normalcy, peace, sanity -- they are all still waiting for you! And I didn't had to relearn anything, really, I just had to get myself out of a situation that was literally making me crazy.

((((()))))))

justaboutus

You're right, I may never have 'normal' with my AH, but I'm going to get closer.

prodigal

Living with an A, for me, pretty much expunges "normal" from the relationship itself. I suppose it has to do with the fact that AH lives inside his own head, in his own world, and does not recognize other people as .... well, as people!

"Normal" at this point is what I make of my own life. I seek out the company of people who have recovery, who are honest about themselves, who do their best to face life on life's terms one day at a time.

I guess that sounds rather trite, but the only "normal" I can own is that which I possess. I ignore AH and go about my business. He, in turn, ignores me. No yelling, no name-calling, no "discussions," no arguments. Far from perfect, but at least I no longer have him as a dance partner!

Rebecca4

To me Normal is a cycle on my washing machine.
Thats as near as I get to it.

B
x

Silverberry1331

HA! I agree! When I try to obtain normal, I find myself "permanently pressed"

blue-eyed soul

i can probably define "normal" better by what it is not ...

normal is not ... refusing to take your spouse to the emergency room because it will interrupt your game of horseshoes

normal is not ... calling a real estate agent to sell the house because you've had an argument (well, one of you, anyway ...)

normal is not ... falling out of your truck and gashing open your head and cracking your ribs

normal is not ... telling your spouse that she "pushed the wrong buttons" and made you act that way

normal is not ... driving faster and more erratically when your spouse tells you that your driving is scaring her

normal is not ... refusing to take your spouse anywhere but then criticizing her when she wants to go somewhere without you

normal is not ... telling your wife you can have sex with her whenever you feel like it

normal is not ... charging hundreds of dollars to your company credit card for cigarettes and alcohol and then expecting your wife to pay for it along with the other bills

normal is not ... sitting in a little room off your garage, smoking, drinking, and watching TV for every waking moment you are not at work

normal is not ... crawling around on your hands and knees in the back yard/falling off the couch/falling into the shower/running into the wall

(phew -- can't decide if i feel better or worse now! but at least i haven't forgotten what "normal" is!

prodigal

Thanks, blue-eyed for a honest look at what normalcy is NOT. I lived with all of those antics and then some. And I got roped into the insanity many times.

I finally decided that my definition of "normal" and AH's definition of "normal" would never end in a meeting-of-the-minds.

Thus, I remain in pursuit of my own sense of normalcy and strictly leave AH's as whatever-his-may-be for him to pursue ...

LaTeeDa

I have to admit I spent the better part of my life pursuing "normal." It's all I ever wanted. I judged what normal was based on what others had, or appeared to have, that I didn't. And there were almost no limits to what I would do to get it, in terms of trying to control others, the world, outside circumstances. I nearly exterminated the beautiful, unique, so-much-better-than-normal individual I am in my drive to get to "normal."

I gave up on trying to force myself and my life into some mold labeled "normal," and accepted my own idividual gifts, my very own exceptionally unique path in life, and finally I was free! Free to live my life and let others live theirs as they see fit. Never again will I settle for some societally defined idea of normal.

L

coyote21

EXACTLY!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

herewego

Go to wikipedia and type in normal. it's the lack of significant deviation from the average and is often described in the negative-I.e. Abnormality.
abnormality varies greatly depending on how unpleasant the behavior is to you.
Given that, it makes perfect sense that you have forgotten what that is.
the bottom of the page are links to categories of the presence and absence of normality. Read the one on peace

cagefree

I've always felt I am rather "normal". It's just my definition of what "normal" is that keeps changing (for the better - Ha!)

brundle

I'm with Prodigal; I use to fight with him. Now we don't really talk.

Normal is not: ignoring the elephant in the room.

Normal is not: saying you "love" some one and treating them with disrespect.

Normal is not: being able to talk about anything because you fear what may follow or having to listen to excuses or down right lies.

Normal is not: having to live with lies in place of the truth.

Normal is not: one person emotionally damaging everyone else in the household.

I agree with who ever said with an A there is no "normal". Great post though!

CatsPajamas

I realized that I really had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like... and when I was at the bookstore I found The Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship. (Idiot's Guides are a line of books much like the For Dummies series)

It really opened my eyes to many things. It seems what I consider "normal" or familiar due to my past etc may not be the least bit healthy.

Good reading if you can find it. I also agree with the others - a healthy relationship involves dignity, respect, no yelling, no name calling, no blaming... owning your own responsibility for things that you do etc.

lovtolaff

What is this "normal" you speak of? ha ha Seriously though, I totally forgot what "normal" was. Honestly, right after our breakup I couldn't do "normal" -too boring, too low key, too well uh "normal". But that feeling passes eventually, these days I'm creating and finding my OWN normal and I like it.

denny57

I'm living as normal as normal's going to get for me. Like LTD, I have learned to again embrace the real, not "normal" me. The difference this time, is I know I will never diminish myself again to participate in someone else's, or society's, normal.

I have recovered my inner freak and I love it.

Freedom1990

Gads, that tickled my funny bone!

Who wants normal anyway? My youngest AD was sitting on the sofa the other day, and Riley kitty (aka Riley Retardo, aka Captain Pinknose) was acting like a spaz, AD got to laughing, and so did I.

We often both comment on how our household never ends up with 'normal' animals, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

We also have farting contests, and she's been known to draw purple eyebrows on me when I am sound asleep!

guiab

I have heard of these 2 guys, Norm and Al, never met em'. They don't live in this neighborhood.
To carry forward with what Herewego, Lateeda, and Denny57 say, Normal is the absence of the negative stuff that was there before.
You are free, then, to define the positive stuff as you wish!
My vote would be for the Gentle Cycle. But I don't want to get hung out to dry.

GiveLove

justaboutus,

How about ditching "normal" and just focusing on what you want out of living with someone else?

Do you remember what you hoped for out of a relationship before you got involved with your AH? Do you have any kind of sense of the life you want?

GL