herewego

Death of the spirit. That's where my ah is.
After I realized the depths of hid addiction I spoke to his brother and expressed my concerns about his drinking and his anger.
The wagons circled quickly.
The family called me a liar. The family said if he was that bad I should leave.
Easier said than done. Ah husband's career would be over if this got out. Coulpled with the violence, I have to be careful moving forward.
I too am lonely and isolated. I do not burden friends or family with the devistation caused by alcohol.
In my situation I don't believe an intervention would work and could very well endanger me.
Mine is sick, vomiting daily, red faced, constantly drinking water, smells horrible. Sometimes I see him clammy, complains of racing heart and sadly enough he has asked me to take the kids and leave for a few days. Then he calls my cell and threatens suicide. He is depressed, angry, stunted emotionally and at times threatens to take me with him.
I try my best to not view it as a defect of character
Thats the only way I can blow off his increasingly self destructive behavior

denny57

I hope you will take this threat seriously and call a women's shelter; if not for you, then for your children.

((( )))

babsywabsy

Again, I appreciate everyone's input and support. AH left today on a fishing trip and I am enjoying this peaceful time. I have a lot of things to think about and decisions to make. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and two kids. I have a lot of information about local treatment centers that I am hoping to share w/AH when he returns and am still knocking around the idea of an intervention. My feelings seem mirror those of you who commented. Part of me thinks, if done properly, an intervention could work and help him get on the road to a recovery that would benefit not just him, but our whole family. The other part of me feels that it's best to just try and get myself healthy and let him find his way to recovery (or not) on his own.

I'd also like to say, for any of you who are curious, that my husband is not an abusive man (physically or verbally). He is definitely angry and frustrated, but the person he seems to want to hurt the most is himself. I'm sure many of you can relate to the fact that, as his spouse, this is very painful to watch.

I'm sending out healing thoughts to him and all of our loved ones who suffer from this brutal disease and to each of you to ease the pain of loving them.

Peace,
Babs

hadenoughnow

This is exactly where I was a year ago, my exah's family wanted to do an intervention. Like you I knew that there would be consequences for me (they get to walk away and I get to take a humilated, angry, in denial, A home) if he refused to go to inpatient treatment. I was not yet in a position to make him leave our home legally so my options were:

1.participate in an intervention that had a very low chance of success due to lack of professional involvement and be prepared to pack up our son and whatever I could grab and run to get away from him.

2.refuse to participate, avoid upsetting the A until I could get the divorce papers filed and get him out of the house.

I choose option 2, I decided to do what was best for me and my son not the A and his disease. If he really wants help he can get it without my involvement. His family decided not to do the intervention (probably because without me there was no "fall guy").

steve11694

Many of the researchers and doctors have dealt with addiction first hand. If not with family, patients, then as addicts themselves. I personally know at least 2 physicians that have recovered from alcohol/drugs and are actively involved in helping others recover. One is even an addictionologist.

Statistics and research can help to better our understanding. The thing is that statistics may show X% of addicts get better from being forced into treatment however if you do not fall into that X% (by probability) then it will not work for you.

I believe it is better to look at research and statistics in a positive rather than a resentful way.
Although alanon and AA have helped many recover it clearly does not help everyone or probably not even a majority of those entering(AA)
AA and its offshoot Alanon, are still based upon work and theories from decades ago and correct me if I am wrong, have not been updated to reflect new insight on addiction.

DesertEyes

Ok gang, another reminder about the purpose of this forum and how to post.

1- This forum is for sharing experience, strength and hope. Nothing else. If you do _not_ have direct personal experience with the subject of the thread kindly keep your fingers off the keyboard.

2- As far as Dr. Volkow's comments, she is a friend of the family. Her Mother and I went to high school together, so kindly do not take her comments out of context. You guys have no idea what her background is in real life, so please do not lump her in with generic comments about doctors in general.

3- The beliefs, principles and program of Al-anon are found in the 12 steps of al-anon, as printed in their literature. It is a basic principle of al-anon that _nobody_ in al-anon gives advice to somebody else. Al-anon also instructs people not to spread around what other peoples beliefs may be. Many of the posts in this thread are a clear violatoin of those principles.

4- AA and al-anon update continuously. There are a number of pamphlets published by them which address changes over the decades; such as use of medication in treatment, participation and cooperation with treatment centers, etc. You can find a complete list in their websites. If you want to actually become familiar with the _organization_ of AA and al-anon, as opposed to just hanging out at a few meetings now and then, you can volunteer to help with the various districts, areas, conferences and other such management efforts.

Mike
Moderator, Sober Recovery

strongerwoman

In my job as a psych nurse I've learned that if a person is threatening self harm or harm to others that you can (anyone can) go and file an emergency petition (in my state its a 202A petition) stating that the person if a danger to themselves and/or others, if a judge signs the order (and they usually do no problem) the police go and apprehend the individual and bring them into a facility for an assessment. The facility doctors then decide if the person is unstable enough to need to be held for a minimum 72 hour hold in the facility for treatment and monitoring. A large number of our patients arrive on our unit this way, most of them being alcohol/drug dependent mixed with various mental problems such as major depressive disorder, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, (which have never been diagnosed previously,) ect....

If you feel a person is unstable and/or a person is threatening self or harm to others, PLEASE contact local authorities.
If I were in your situation, I would not hesitate to call the authorities.

Janitw

Hello Babs.......My children and I had an intervention with my XAH......which didn't help one bit. But then I had never talked to anyone about our "situation" either. The only thing the man did was say: "Do you think a sober AH will love you any more than this drunk one?" I told him that I would take my chances. After that he went on a mission to find a "girlfriend" and 9 months later he left us and moved in with her. We had been married for 22 yrs at that time. If I had known the importance of a professional interventionist I would have maybe had a better chance of "reaching" him. But I didn't have the tools or the knowledge back in 2005. He simply left us for someone who drank with him. (Amongst other things...)

Be careful...do your homework if you plan to have an intervention - its not for the novice.

And as the others have already stated he will accept the help ONLY if and when he is ready. But at least you will know that you have tried everything.

Stand strong hun.

Janitw