can it be real
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: british columbia
Posts: 3
can it be real
As there is no al-anon in the northern community where I live (there was but they don't meet anymore and the other closest one is half an hour away on Wednesday's at 7:00 which doesnt leave me time to get there after work) I have been reading posts as my own personal al-anon.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hiya howdoitrustnow--
Time is the only way to know the answer. More will be revealed to you in time and help you know what steps you want to take.
Instead of wondering if HIS recovery is real and lasting, keep the focus on YOUR recovery 100% - spend time writing down and meditating on what you want your life to look like: your dreams, your goals, your problems.
You sound strong - keep going one day at a time - and keep untying those codie knots!!
peace-
B.
Time is the only way to know the answer. More will be revealed to you in time and help you know what steps you want to take.
Instead of wondering if HIS recovery is real and lasting, keep the focus on YOUR recovery 100% - spend time writing down and meditating on what you want your life to look like: your dreams, your goals, your problems.
You sound strong - keep going one day at a time - and keep untying those codie knots!!
peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, howdoitrustnow, glad you're here!
I know people who did it. All of them agreed it was working their separate programs that helped it happen. Keep the focus on you. As he grows in his program, you can be right there alongside him; and if the honeymoon ends once again, you'll be further along than when it started.
Good luck and keep posting!
I know people who did it. All of them agreed it was working their separate programs that helped it happen. Keep the focus on you. As he grows in his program, you can be right there alongside him; and if the honeymoon ends once again, you'll be further along than when it started.
Good luck and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I too was married to an alcoholic for 19 years. Every day heavy drinking, binges, the whole works. My husband started AA in June for the first time in our marriage. It took some serious things to go wrong and him getting into legal trouble. He has been in AA for almost 4 months now and is doing great. I have been in Alanon for the same amount of time. I'm not sure we would have come this far if we weren't both working our own program. I can't tell you that it's over but I can tell you that he is 4 months sober and I see things in him now that I never thought I would see. So far, it's working.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: british columbia
Posts: 3
Thanks so much for the help. I am trying to work on myself, and I can see differences in him everyday. He actually called me at work and apologized for being condesending in the morning as I was on my way out the door to work. Over something silly, but his first reaction was to make fun of my response to something he had said. Silly, but it hurt. And apologizing is something he wasnt the best at before.
I am trying to look after myself, but habits are hard to break. I have been told that his recovery is none of my business and I am trying really hard not to monitor his actions and just look after my own. And because of his alcoholism I kinda had "control" of everything here...finances, the kids, the house etc.... and now I am trying to give up some of that control and let him take some of it on and do it his way, not my way done by him. Tricky.
Again, thanks for the help, You all are awesome!!!!
I am trying to look after myself, but habits are hard to break. I have been told that his recovery is none of my business and I am trying really hard not to monitor his actions and just look after my own. And because of his alcoholism I kinda had "control" of everything here...finances, the kids, the house etc.... and now I am trying to give up some of that control and let him take some of it on and do it his way, not my way done by him. Tricky.
Again, thanks for the help, You all are awesome!!!!
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