prodigal

He told me if I go out with her again, I will no longer have a boyfriend.

He claims to not mind if I were to go to a bar with a different friend.

He refused any compromise.

When I talk to him about it he somehow manages to confuse me until I myself am almost convinced that I am wrong

I told him I might try alanon, and he was happy at first but later told me his sponsor hated when his wife went to alanon.

If he threatens to end the relationship, he can get me to do what he wants.

... him acting rude to me on the phone ... I called him on it and he got defensive.

... we got in a short conversation which ended with him telling me he would call me the next day. He does that. I believe it was to punish me.

I cannot go out with my friend, but he can go out ALL NIGHT with his band and not even call me.

It's a double standard.

He also has chosen two of my male friends and told me I cannot speak to either anymore.

... he should delete this girl from his phone, myspace, etc. He refuses to do so. He says he'll do it eventually when I quit bringing it up.

I am trying to understand him and how his mind works.



Sometimes I just see it for what it is and I am too old and too tired to parse words. This is control. This is abuse. This is not a relationship of peers who respect one another and work as a team to iron out their differences.

If you wish to remain in this relationship, I respect your choice. I'm just posting exactly what you wrote in numerous posts.

I'd bet the farm you are a loving, caring woman. You deserve a man who respects you and listens with respect to your concerns. As far as trying to understand how anyone's mind works.... well, I think we have enough of a challenge figuring out our own minds.

I wish you well and I pray that you will read what you have written and see it for what it is. This is not a difference of opinion you're posting about ....

Ago

Well, thank you from me Prodigal, taken all together, there is definitely a pattern emerging, it's not up to me to "label" it, but I recognize more then half of these from my last relationship, or forms thereof;

the "stickies" and "links" I found most helpful when I came here wondering if I was in fact involved with an emotional abuser were:

Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html

I also found these helpful however, to look at myself and my part:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sive-love.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-matter.html

Although my "ex" displayed about 90% of the traits of an "emotional abuser" in "worth reading and reposting" I still hesitate to call her "abusive" although...she....is......and was....very abusive, I have this nearly overwhelming ... hmmm...I guess ....I'm so "solution oriented" I always want to see "what my part" is, to the point of unhealthyness and allowing people (family and relationship) to completely walk all over me, abuse me, take advantage of me....to where it completely destroyed my self esteem and my "inner sense" of who I am/was and there was this large part of me that said to myself if this person is treating me like this I must deserve it.

It can be so confusing because she was so nice and loving, said all the right things, and seemed to try so hard in between the abusive episodes.

I was just completely unprepared and completely lacked the tools to protect myself, I had surrounded myself with healthy people for so long that I didn't recognize what was happening until I was hopelessly in love with her, hell I'm still in love with her.... I just finally realized I couldn't have that in my life any more and that she was quite literally harmful to me.

Anyway, that's why I was so hard nosed in that last thread, my exA would send me emails and twist and distort the truth and paint me out to be the abuser if I so much as wanted an apology for the slightest thing, or asked her to "own her part" in any situation, or when I caught her in another mans arms, or when I caught her lying right to my face, her method of communication was to attack and confuse and name call and distort and sandbag....but her emails were...incredibly abusive....but they seemed to make sense and ....just twisted and distorted the truth just enough to seem like they made sense...it was very confusing, it was literally "crazy-making".

One of the only things that has helped me retain my sanity (other then every single one of my friends that was trying to drag me away from that toxic relationship for over a year) was communicating with my ex GF's from the last twenty years that all still love me, consider me among their best friends, and while they all have remarkably similar accounts of my character defects, it doesn't at all match what this woman was saying about me.

Everytime I left her, it was looking exactly like my old avatar, actually that's why I am thankful I got that last chance, because I WAS finally able to go in and "do everything right" and "be supportive" and even leave gently and she got uglier and nastier then she ever had, so I finally realized it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, she acts that way because she's a deeply damaged and hurt human being, she can't help but to hurt those around her because she was hurt so very very badly as a child, but it's not my fault, nor is it my responsibility, nor is it my job to save her, it's my job to look after me now.

anyway, thank you again Prodigal, and, Notsofast, I hope you get as much out of this as I did.

cagefree

My hesitation to admit XABF was abusive was due to the humiliation and self loathing I felt admitting I allowed someone to abuse me.

I remember it so clearly when he yelled at me in front of his team and a stand full of people when I went to see him play baseball - I had put in a 14 hour shift at work, then went straight to his game...to be yelled at. Word got back to me that several female spectators wondered why I was with someone like that and that I could do so much better. That hurt - and my self esteem sank even lower.

In the same way that I could not control XABF's drinking, no one could make me see the light about who I was letting in my life, and what I needed to do about it.

Lord knows enough people tried. I finally "got it" when I had had enough.