Startingover2

I have been following this post since yesterday and it really has hit home. It seems there are A's that just drink and there are A's that have affairs and infidelities along the way of their drinking. Mine is just like yours. He cannot be alone for whatever reason. He seems to need that ego stroke from another woman telling him he is not the POS he knows he is.

You can go back and read my stuff (I even still have a sticky at the top) but in a nutshell my AH cheated on me with another woman my whole pregnancy and even after our precious baby's birth. It was so upsetting it sent me into early labor and he promised no more alcohol or OW. Didn't last long. Shortly after our baby was born he started back with both and hiding them. Finally after a DUI and catching him texting her for the millionth time I kicked himout.

I still struggle like you do. He chose alcohol AND another woman over his family. We have a 7 month old daughter now that he sees 2 hours a week.

I try not to wonder too much what he is doing. Doesn't always work. Last night was tough. I kept imagining them together.

Keep busy. Keep busy. You are so much better than he is. You have the freedom to competely walk away with no strings and no way for him to continue to hurt you. I don't have that because of the baby and I really envy you.

Hang in there.

NYC_Chick

SC: I went through all of this too. I don't know if my ex was ever with anyone after because I never asked and didn't want to know, but I was convinced based on what I knew of his past.

It takes a while, but keep working on you and it will get better. I cried and cried, but you heal slowly.

Here's how I thought about it...if he's really that into her, then why maintain contact with me and try to work anything out. Who is the lucky one here? She might be with him physically, but what does she really have. If I were you, I would feel sorry for her because you know what her life will look like very soon if he stays with her.

laurie6781

Yep he would have responded with MORE manipulation and sucking you even dryer than he has.

Say a prayer every night for the 'new' girlfriend/victim he has found, she is going to need them.

Say a prayer for yourself every night, thanking HP that you got out.

Please know there is NOTHING you could have done that would have changed anything.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

The only person any of us can change is ourselves. That is where Alanon came in for me. Alanon helped me in that regard so much, gave me a whole 'different' perspective on the 12 Steps than my AA program, and really taught me how the only one I could take care of is ME.

I hope you find there what I found.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

(((((soconfused)))))
From my first hand observations watching 3 brothers destroy so many good opportunities/relationships for the past 20 yrs in their lives: things are NEVER great for an active alcoholic. The energy they expend in "making it look" like things are great is enormous. They are miserable inside. Guaranteed.

This "date" went out with him - he drove, and admitted he has no license and a drinking problem.

Ummmmmm. Boy, she's in for a long ugly road if she doesn't see the red flags. Her choice.

Yes he has a sweet side. WE ALL DO!! And all of the A's in our lives do to (or did at one time). And we all have our problems. My ex's problems, which he refused to acknowledge or change (his right after all) became issues I could no longer cope with, tolerate, detach from, deny and so I had to divorce. It breaks your heart yes. And I had the lonely pining nights all the while trying to keep the sprirt up around my boys. That's just how it goes. And within a year he was living out of the country and dating a 26 yr old dancer!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having left me behind w a 6 and 10 yr old. For me it was just "further evidence" even though it hurt, that I had done the right thing.

"I just wish I knew that he is hurting like I am hurting, that he feels a sense of loss."

So you just decide - because all your obsessing and trying to figure it out is keeping you sick.

Just decide - either way and then move forward with that belief:
Either he's dating as a way to forget about you and the pain, and your relationship was this great and important thing in his life (that is now over)
Or
He's dating so quickly because he is not in pain and he's already moved on from your relationship (which is now over).

Do you see it just doesn't matter?? So just pick one and let it go.
Your son is very wise - if you keep talking about him & obsessing about him you're hurting yourself! On purpose!!

I had a great friend who was a tireless shoulder during my divorce - one day she was probably sick of my teary speeches, she told me I had to try to stop obsessing about every little detail, and why did this happen, and how could he do that etc. And I remember wailing "I am trying!" and she said "Well, TRY HARDER!!" That was food for thought!

Therapy really helped me see the damage I was doing to myself and that I had a choice in the obsession game.

Hugs & prayers for some peace of mind and relief!! Hang in there.

Peace-
B.

sodetermined

Wow, it is now Sunday, and I feel so very thankful for the support I have gotten here, and from friends. I kind of feel like my world is so blurry right now, like everything is fake and I will wake up from a bad dream.

I no longer buy into the fact that everything is great with Chris. He hurts, and that is why he drinks. I spoke with his ex-wife today, and she quickly reminded me that when him and I started dating, he led her to believe that everything was great with me. But it wasn't. A week into the relationship, I saw the red flags and chose to ignore them. Well, I was addicted by then. He was so charming. And this new girl will get the same thing. 8 months. EIGHT LONG MONTHS, into our relationship, he would call his ex-wife and beg her back. He missed her, he might pretend all was well with me, but he was only hiding his pain with meth. and alcohol, and I didn't realize it at the time.

I feel just a slight bit better that I'm no longer obsessing that his life is perfect. I don't think that it is, and I know that he misses me. I just hope and pray that the day comes (when things don't go so swell with the new girl), when he rings my phone. And then I can proudly, with confidence say "Oh, I'm sorry, I have to go". But chances are, when that day comes, I could give a crap less how he feels, cuz it will be all about me.

LucyA

I don't know how long you've been with Chris, but at one time couldn't this 'strange woman' have been you?

Has anything changed for him?

Don't you think in however long it takes this 'strange woman' will be going through exactly what you're feeling now?

Knowing all that probably wont make you feel any better, but knowing you can change things to make them better for yourself maybe will. He hasn't changed if he's still doing the same things and saying the same things to women he meets. You can make changes though, you deserve better from yourself.

I don't mean to sound 'mean', but it sounds like the way he operates, tell em how it is and hook em into thinking they can cure me.

sodetermined

I think I have finally realized that this is pretty accurate. It is a cycle of his. He's not stupid. He figures that if he admits it up front, they will think he is going to change. He doesn't want to change. He has no desire to stop drinking, and before long, she will go through what I did. I know that the first few weeks of being with Chris, I was hurting, I saw tons of red flags. She can either ignore them, and suffer through, or she will kick him to the curb. Either way, I will be on my way to recovery.

Freedom1990

Lexi, I'm thinking of taking Randy to AA with me. What do you think? Hangover?


(Did I make you smile??)

sodetermined

Yes, you did.....and my smiles are few and far between lately.

Freedom1990

:ghug :ghug

I'll have to watch my shoes real close now that I posted that unflattering picture of Dandy Randy!

Rainbowsend

That's one way of looking at it, the other is you knew what I was, I've always been honest about my problems so it's your own fault. By admitting it they can also suss out if the new partner is a nice sympathetic little codie from the off.

FormerDoormat

So let me get this straight: Your XAB went on a date with a woman two days after breaking up with you, he explained to her that he's an active A and because of that he has no license and she not only still went on the date with him but she let him drive AND yet she claims that she won't put up with abuse.

Well, for an A that's the PERFECT answer and the reason he was attracted to her in the first place. When the fog lifts from the former codependent partner and he/she begins to see the light, it's time for the A to move on to a new codependent partner. And in one simple answer, this woman gave him the GREEN LIGHT.

As Laurie said, your exA did you a huge favor in moving on and this woman needs your prayers because she's in for a nightmare--of her own making I might add....

Bernadette

OMG!! LOL.
Is Randy a Deer or a Dog???
Hilarious-- thanks freedom for the giggle...I think it's the lolling tongue that sends this picture over the edge!!

SoConfused - you sound.....less confused!
((((hugs))) to you. These are hard days. Keep reclaiming each minute at a time if you have to for YOU (and Dear Son!).
B.

sunshinebluesky

yeah....what the hell was SHE thinkin???? actually,they may stay together for a long time....which,though you may not feel it now, will be good for you.
trust me,i was in a similar situation....all hurt by the replacement,and all obsessed with her getting a better him than i did.....but ya know what? i finally got over it. maybe them staying together made me get over it,but thats ok...... it just takes time. and when you let that time take care of it, you will realize that you are worth so much more and you learn respect for yourself which leads you down much better paths.

Reminder

SC:

This type of thinking is very self-destructive, but it's your life. Is it really that black and white? If you are anything like me, and I suspect that you are, you are a mess in some ways, and in other ways you are not. You can't fix his self-destructive behavior, but you can fix your self-destructive thinking. The choice is yours. I know that you know this already, so just take it as a friendly reminder. Your son deserves to have a healthy mom, even though he doesn't have a healthy Dad.

Peace.

Silverberry1331

(((hugs)))...I know exactly how you feel, but I want to let you in on something I have recently found out...There is no other Chris. Just like for me there is no "other" Don.

When I think back, the better part of Don might have surfaced, but him in his entirety was always there in the background. I do not apologize for loving this entire person, but I have to recognize it...that there is no "other" Don in the same way that there is no "other" Gina (which is me by the way)

This helps me not to romanticize and thus perpetuate my agony. These feelings about the other woman I am having are real, but I can put them into perspective when I know that NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING has changed in this man. The same stuff, baggage, issues, problems, and so on will follow him from relationship to relationship until he deals with them properly....no magic wands, "perfect" women, or fairy dust is going to change that.

(((hugs))) and love...

gns

For me I did ultimately realize that I meant very little to my ex ABF. Pretending I meant the world to him, just kept me deluded and allowed me to keep obsessing. When I realized I didn't mean that much to him I could let go.

It also made me realize people are who they are in relationships. His inability to fully love me had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with his limitations as a person. That was so liberating! He is just as charming, and selfish with his now victim (ahem, I mean girlfriend) as he was with me.

I would just ask - assume the worst is true - what if you didn't mean anything to your ex - why is that so scary? For me I realized I put my entire self-worth into whether my ex loved me and so it was devastating to think he didn't. I should have loved myself and believed in my slef-worth regardless of whether he did or not.

lovesmenot74

My heart jumped into my throat when I read this post ... the thought that I meant nothing to my ex has been haunting me ... I feel so cheated and robbed.

I am trying VERY hard to remember that he is who he is and he's shown no real desire to change anything about himself - sure he whines and complains and feels sorry for himself ... but ultimately, as with the above poster, my ex is still who he is - selfish, deceitful, manipulative, needy, insecure. I really can't expect that finding a new girlfriend would change those things about him overnight, right?? I guess this post reminded me to look at who I am and I really haven't changed that much except in areas I've consciously made an effort to change - and that has been a slow process with many slips backward along the way - the biggest slip for me was getting into this relationship with him - in the beginning I was still very independent and self-assured, but I allowed him to coax me back into that person who makes my relationship my whole world, and when that happened, it all went for a crap.

"what if you didn't mean anything to your ex - why is that so scary?" Hmmm ... food for thought. To me, I guess it feels like a huge betrayal of trust. He made promises (to love me, honour our relationship, work on things when they got tough instead of running away) and he LIED about it all ... so I guess it makes me feel foolish and gullible to have invested so much into something that ultimately turned out to be a complete and utter lie on his end. I also question whether I really am able to every truly trust anyone but myself ... and at this point, I really don't think I can and that really sucks.

denny57

gns, you are living proof that recovery does happen, every day. You've come a long way since your first days here. Congrats!

steve11694

The woman he is seeing has my sympathy