prodigal

Just do your best to remember she's going to get his unattractive A side as well.

sodetermined

I had to talk with him this week about the rabbits (that he was raising) at my house. He just cleverly slipped that in (about his date) and so the conversation turned into much more than just the rabbits.

She asked me if I wanted to know. I am seriously considering telling her that I don't want to know anything, unless it's bad.


Oh, many times he wanted to go bowling with me, but I quickly caught on that bowling was his way of "doing a family thing" and getting drunk at the same time. I really hope he is bs'ing her, and I mean I guess I know that deep down, it is just seeming that things are just to great for him right now.

Hmmm, I might just have to do that.

I have been told that she is a nice girl, but that she just got out of an abusive relationship. And that she said she wouldn't put up with any bull crap, she's picked herself back up from a bad relationship. Of course, I've told myself a thousand times that I won't put up with any crap anymore, but found myself sucked back in. He will get her to fall for him, I have no doubt about that at all. And it won't take long. But also knowing from experience, if she is fresh out of this other relationship that was abusive, there is a lot of healing to be done yet.

sodetermined

I guess this is where I'm thinking, well maybe he will do better with her, maybe he learned from us and will do his best to do better this time.

prodigal

Then if he does, he DOES. He may decide to get sober, clean up his act, and have 10 kids with this woman. I truly doubt that, but it's HIS life. He can choose to do whatever he wants with it.

You have the freedom to choose to obsess about this guy and let it keep you down in the dumps. That is your right. You can focus on his wonderful side and miss that. Melodie Beattie addresses that in her book as "magical thinking."

His life, his choices. Your life, your choices. I'm sorry that breakups hurt. I've certainly had my fair share of them in this lifetime. The thing that finally got me over the obsession hurdle was looking at myself. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed. I glommed onto men for my identity and feelings of self-worth.

It did not work. However, this is your life and I respect your right to think about your ex any way you choose. But you may want to keep in mind that you ARE getting support here. It's just that it starts to get to the point that you continue to obsess about him.

And as that continues, I am at a loss as to what I can say to you that might help. So, I'll just sign off and pray that you get through the grieving process and are able, in time, to move on ...

denny57

I don't think it means that at all. I think it might mean he is someone who HAS to have someone is his life, and doing so helps avoid dealing with the pain of losing someone else. To not have someone else to focus on means I have to sit and look at myself. I tried to avoid addressing my own issues for YEARS. Here it is all those years later that I am dealing with them.

I just don't make the connection that because someone is with another person means what we had meant nothing.

In the end, wondering and trying to figure out someone else did me no good and I stayed stuck.

lovesmenot74

I don't think it's any coincidence that our experiences with our A's are similar AND our feelings about their actions are similar either ... I know I keep telling myself that if so many people have similar stories, then the likelihood of the outcomes being the same is very high ...

Having said that, I am right where you are with what you wrote above ... I guess I sort of feel he's going to take the lessons from our relationship and just as you said "do better this time" and I'll have invested all of this time, energy, and emotion so that he can break my heart and go off and find happiness with someone else while I'm still here licking my wounds ... that maybe with his experience from our relationship under his belt and someone better able to accept/understand him (or whatever else would make her better than me somehow) that he'll have the relationship that we had in the beginning and could have continued to have if we'd both been putting the same effort into the relationship. Does that sound familiar??

beaglebaby

SC11 -- my almost-ex AH has lined up so many women in the past few weeks -- it would make your head spin.

I've been through every type of pain, confusion, and humiliation that you could imagine.

Through friends, family and a great therapist -- here's what I've come to understand.

1. My AH began to sleep around, date women, and posted a profile on a singles website -- all while we were actively married. It was actually pretty classic advanced alcoholism -- devalue personal relationships, a decline in moral values, and hanging out with people who don't expect you to live up to being a father, son, husband, partner. Even sexual performance can be impacted -- so hang out with strangers in case you can't perform.

2. Yes the guy I married is still around sometimes, but his evil personna -- and I mean evil -- is visiting for longer stretches, and will continue to do that until it takes over completely. I could still see my husband sometimes, but for less time and longer in between. It would make me hang on and hope things would change --- but it ain't gonna happen until he gets into recovery. So it's time for me to RUN!

3. Either way -- I have to stay far, far away from both sides of him. If I give him just a crack to get back into my life, he will try to consume, manipulate, and hurt me again. There is no chance for a happier ending, as long as he remains stuck in his life like it is now.

4. There is no way in HELL that he will be faithful to ANY of these women. Once he starts to think one is getting close -- there's no doubt in my mind that he will move onto another. Fidelity and a relationship is the furthest thing from his mind.

What you CAN control -- is your life, your attitude, and your happiness. I am desparately trying to live that -- and planning a life, once and for all, WITHOUT the AH!

:codiepolice

sodetermined

Painfully familiar.

I have often wondered, time and time again, if I could just have gotten rid of the anger and bitterness, and forgive him for all his mistakes, and if I would have been nicer to him in the end, that maybe he would have responded differently to me. I know that my codependency contributed to his alcholism. And that hurts. This new girl gives him a chance to start fresh. But then I have to remember, I couldn't get rid of anger, and bitterness, no matter how hard I tried, because he was not willing to change. And, he kept repeating behaviors. He may have improved, but he was only doing whatever it took to try and keep my happy. I mean he would lie to my face, and even after I confronted him, he would blame me for the lying. He never wanted to take any responsibility for anything. And I had no problem admitting that I am flawed, and it was no secret that I was working on recovery, or trying to the best I could. I mean, just 3 nights ago when we talked, and I brought up the drinking, he said "you would get mad just because I wanted a 40 oz. beer after work", his minimizing his problem. No, that isn't accurate. When he first got out of jail, he drank none. Then just a 28 oz. beer here and there, then six only on the weekend, then six every day of the weekend, and a 40 oz. after work, anyway it was escalating, the Friday before I kicked him out, he had snuck to the store to get liquor. He lied to me about it (my fault, because he knew I would be mad). But he denied his drinking problem. Then he tells her "I have a drinking problem". I'm puzzled by this. And Chris (and his family) would always say to me, you knew he drank when you met. And maybe that he feels by confessing to her he has a problem, he can justify his own alcholism in his mind, I don't know. I did know he drank, but I had no idea all of the other stuff that came along with it, and I honestly thought I could change him. I really did.

I guess when I am thinking like this, I just have to remember when him and I met, 3 1/2 years ago. He seemed perfect. I knew he drank a lot, but he openly admitted to me (like he did this girl) of his problems. So I thought, ok, he knows he screwed up, and he will change. But I ended up with the same crap that his ex-wife had. I mean, maybe this new girl won't care if he leaves her sitting home while he's out at the bar (she might do this until she sees how he is with other women when he is drinking). Or maybe she'll go with him. Maybe she is more independent/less clingy than me, and doesn't mind being left alone on Christmas Day so he can go drink, or maybe she will buy him alcohol so that he can drink at home. But those things were not acceptable to me, it hurt me. And I know how Chris acts when he is drunk, and none of that is me.....that is all his junk....it seemed like nothing I could do was pleasing to Chris, nothing was every good enough to make him happy (and he often said the same about me). He was manipulative, controlling, and an unhappy person, that could be good if he wanted, enough to reel me back in.

I realize that I am obsessing over Chris, I am not to the point where I want to stop. I am working through this stuff, but I can't just ignore my thoughts, either. I'm still love him. And it's all very fresh. I mean it was only one week ago today that we broke up. He waited 2 days. 2 DAYS, to ask someone out.

lovesmenot74

Don't feel bad ... mine has been gone from our home since July and I haven't talked to him for over a month now - when I found out about the new girlfriend - and I tell ya, it hasn't really gotten any better for me yet.

Rebecca4

You know what honey, I am not old enough (35 years old) to give you a lot of wisdom, especially with men.
All I know is that for all those years my mum said all those cliches, like a leopard never changes its spots, or plenty more fish in the sea, they turned out right. I hope some other mummies/mommies can offer good advice.

If he rings and he says, I had the most fabulous kiss. Say Hmm Okay, what with your stale breath?

She ran her fingers through my hair? Hmm what with your dandruff?

Dont't call him. If he calls you answer, maybe after his fifth missed call, then just humour him.

You are worth so much more.
It might be that you get back with him in the future, but I think you should just try to play him at his own game.

Whose to say you have not just had the most fabulous kiss.

I wish you all the best.
Go get what you want
B
x

CNMC2C

Soconfused11,
I'm new to posting on SR, but have been checking out the forum for a few weeks now and finally have the courage to step in and say a few words.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru this! I have been going thru a similar experience with my EXABF. The difference is, he didn't wait until we had officially broken up and I had moved out to begin his next relationship,he chose to start a relationship with another woman behind my back for the last few months of our relationship. She is a really pretty waitress at one of the bars that he frequents, who just happens to now be his new girlfriend, now that I am gone. Now, I'm not going to lie....I have thought of 80 different ways to "mess up" their sick little world, but by the grace of God, my family, my psychologist, and my Al-Anon meetings, I have avoided making the mistake of reacting to any of his insanity!

I was with him for a year before I was willing to admit that his liter a day vodka habit might be a problem and when I finally saw how badly it was affecting him and our life togehter, I confronted him and begged him to get help. Now I look back at the day that I addressed the issue and I realize two things: #1) that was when I entered into my "fix it" mode in full force and #2) that was the day that he realized that I was no longer going to put up with his driniking and he had to find my codependent replacement....quick.

There are some really wise people in this forum who have said some really profound things. The only way that I will ever get any better is for me to focus on myself and to learn how to love myself enough to realize that I deserve to be treated much, much better and to know the warning signs of when I am slipping back into my codependent ways. It is easy for me to sit here and think at times.....I bet he is treating my "codependent replacement" so much better than me...but in all reality I know in my mind and heart that he isn't. He is just playing his games and biding his time until he has to find her replacement. He doesn't love himself, so how in the hell can he love someone else! He is using her to avoid having to deal with any feelings that he might have about anything. You deserve better and the only way that you are going to get there is to hurt, hate, and heal, but you have to be willing to focus completely on taking care of you and try really hard to put him out of your mind. I wish you nothing but the best and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

sodetermined

CNMC2C,

Welcome to SR!:ghug3 This place has been wonderful to me, and hopefully one day I can be far enough into my recovery to give back and help others.

I know that you are right, I do need to focus less on him. And I think it's just going to take a little bit, ya know? It's so fresh. I mean I am surrounded by memories of him (I have been told that staying a weekend at a friends might help), and I know that he just got paid yesterday, so not only did he have a date but I'm sure he is drinking and "pretending" to have a great time.

And I would be really surprised if he never tries to contact me again, just because when him and I first met (when I was the codependent replacement), he tried for the first 8 months, to get his ex-wife back. Especially when we would have problems. So I honestly, in a very sick frame of mind, hope and pray to God that he does come crawling back, ringing my phone of the hook. But I know in my heart, by the grace of God and SR, and friends, I am going to be strong and confident enough to tell him that it's too late, and I'm moving on with my life. But until that day comes, I am suffering through all the hurt. My whole body hurts. I am physically sick, I can't eat. But I know that all this pain is going to bring me closer to being healthy. I know that I have to feel this pain in order to get healthy.

GiveLove

Soconfused,

I don't think you're confused any longer. I think you're just hurting, but not confused. You know that this just how he is.....and I think you already know how it's going to turn out for this girl.

I thought about it this way, when I was flat on the floor with pain from the same thing: I am going to get better. But first it's going to hurt. It's like having surgery to remove a tumor. As soon as the anesthesia wears off, it's gonna hurt like he\\ for a while, but after that I'm going to be twice as strong, and I'll be on my way to living, not dying.

The alternative is not having the surgery, not suffering the pain, but surrendering myself to a short, unhappy life , all because I didn't want to go through it to the other side.

You are going to be fine. This is just a very bad day, and you just have to put your head down and push through it. Is it time to make brownies yet? Can we have some?

sodetermined

GiveLove,

It is a bad day, and you know it's funny, this whole time I was afraid of setting boundaries, afraid of what might happen, so I just kept settling and became more unhappy as the days went by. And sure enough, as soon as I stick to my boundary, he runs the other direction. And that is his choice. But now I am left to deal with the pain of my addiction...or rather of going through the withdrawals. The extra woman, well that's just an extra knife in the heart.

And the brownie making is just beginning. I just took my son and his friend to our local "spook house". They turned an old house into a haunted house, and I'm telling ya, for $2 a person, it was pretty scary. My son clung to me the whole time, and his friend to him. As soon as we hit the exit, they let go and said "that was fun, that wasn't that bad". (of course they couldn't let anyone know how scared they really were). They had people throughout the house, touching your leg, your arms, they even had kids being the scary guys. I think the kids scared us the most!

Reminder

The above sentence says it all for me. What are you gaining by obsessing? What are you losing? Only you can figure it out for yourself, so I am not going to tell you what you should do.

Peace.

sodetermined

Reminder,

I honestly feel as though I have been brainwashed, by Chris, in many ways. I believe a lot of what he has told me, it's all my fault, if I was a better woman I would have...., he is this great prize, etc.

I am trying to brainwash myself the other way, if this makes any sense. Each time I think a negative thought (which just pops into my mind, my heart), I have to talk myself out of it.

I guess that was a poor choice of words. If I could stop, I would. I am trying to refocus, trying to switch my thoughts over, but at the same time I have to feel them, work through them....go through the motions.

At this point, I'm probably not making any sense at all, and my emotions might seem all over the place, and they ARE. I am all over the place, I am a complete and utter mess. I need to go to bed soon, I need to escape my own mind.

But first, I'm watching a movie with the boys!

CNMC2C

SCII,
I just wanted to tell you that I think that your idea of going and spending a few days away at your friends is a great idea. It was exaclty 4 weeks ago that I found out about all of the digusting things that my EXABF had been doing behind my back during our relationship. I had a major breakdown right after that for a few days b/c it was too much information to handle all at once. Luckily, some of my friends said..."enough, come hang out with us for a few days and let us keep you busy". Those few days were not easy, but they did allow me to slowly start learning how to "block" him out of my thoughts. Each day I take a few more minutes away from thinking about him and put it toward thinking about me and my future. It's not easy and it hurts like hell. I've had to face some really hurtful truths in the last few months, especially realizing that I wasn't the first woman he has done this to nor will I be the last, but I know that he is an addict and until he sincerely gets clean and sober...he will continue his destructive cycle....and I am way better off without him. Take Care!

Live

My experience has been...yes, they tell you they have problems...shows honesty right? And we assume that they want to do something about their problems. Sometimes they say they do, but it may not be what you are thinking.

AND mainly if they didn't develop some kind of extra charm, every woman in the world would kick them to the curb first date, so yes, they woo you and then over time things gradually change and change and change.

I can't even count the number of girlfriends, live-ins and fiancess my Xabf has had since we finally stopped the merry go round and games and I went no contact. AND he tries to make them jealous of me, to get them to compete at being better girlfriends!

He is still alcoholic and abusive, I hear things from time to time.

And he had so much POTENTIAL talent, he could have done so much. Potential is not to be confused with reality.

genrs123

I understand . when i broke up with my ABF, i realized it was more him that wanted to break up than me. and it hurt. a lot. he was apparently checked out of our relationship long before i was. it still hurts especially when he wants to be "friends" (this is a whole nother topic in which i posted, on not being able to get over him). Anyway, here are two things that have stuck out for me others or i have concluded.


1. -ofcourse- you are grieving and going through the emotions and he is "moving on like im not even a thought on his mind" --- *****thats what the alcohol is for. so that he doesnt have to feel emotions like you or me. if he did, i assure you he would be at home typing to a recovery group about his losses (like i am doing on a saturday night )******

2. as it has been said, anyone that would be with him is also sick or truly doesn't care about his destructive behavior. (or both). so hes not exactly getting a great catch here, either.

anyway, i feel your pain. this is my biggest fear and it hurts although i dont have official proof (and hopefully i wont if i can stop my internet stalking and keep up NC and staying across the city frm him). but youre not replaceable even if it seems that way. feelings are not facts.

take care.

resentful wife

SC11,Please don't take this the wrong way, it's meant with kindness.
You said you ONLY broke up 2 wks ago, but you've been on these boards almost a year and it's sad that you keep letting him live inside your head and your heart.
Make a list of everything good that you've done or been for this man and know that there is someone out there that would love to have some one like you, and would give back to you on the same level.If he didn't change for you and all the goodness you showed him all the forgiveness you gave him he's not going to change for someone else.
You deserve to be happy and from reading your old post you haven't been happy in a long time, you have given him all your power, it's time to take it back and wait for the real love and happiness to find you. You Do Deserve It!
Linda