Reddmax

Well, the AW is in detox, and its been strange. The AW had a lot of fear, resentment, and anxiety when we went. The detox center is not a Hilton, which the AW took exception to.

Anyway, the first two times I called for a condition update, the AW had not shown any symptoms. I was thinking that I must have lost my mind, and that she only had psychological symptoms, not physical dependence. That would really fuel the resentment and anger. Has anyone ever taken their loved one to detox and not had that response? I'm curious.

This morning's condition call at 10 AM, the nurse told me she started showing symptoms in the night. They had to medicate her for her detox safety.

This is a very difficult time for me. I know what happened was the right thing, in a moral sense, but I worry about the consequences to me. The AW gets phone priviledges this evening. I'm being codependent and worrying about what she's going to do.

I'm playing the tape through. If she decides not to communicate with me, that's fine. If she decides to have her ex pick her up when she's discharged, that's fine. Those are her choices, and tells me what I need to do for me. It's just very hard to wait and see what someone is going to do to you to hurt you. I'll be strong.

I don't know if this is a mind trick I'm playing on myself, but I truly believe that supporting her in going to detox was the right thing to do in a moral sense. Whether or not it helps my marriage, taking action to assist someone in saving their life is a good thing.

Any input all of you can give me would be helpful.

Redd

Freedom1990

I have found that when I am hurt, there's a good chance I have put myself in a position to be hurt.

Today I work hard at not putting expectations on someone else, and that has relieved a lot of the hurt I used to put myself through because of those expectations.

GiveLove

Redd,

Whatever she's going to do, she's going to do.

Advice? Get out and get yourself a life outside of this crisis today. Find other friends to be with, find something you want to be doing. Movies helped me too, for some strange reason....getting out of my head for a while, I guess. Exercise. Anything but staying there with the trappings of that toxic environment, stewing in the same soup all day long, waiting for something you can't control.

You can't affect the outcome here. All you can do is keep from driving yourself mad and making yourself sick between now and then. Can you meet with your counselor today?

Reddmax

I'm going to be working this afternoon and tomorrow. Unfortunately, because of what I'm doing, I'll have to be alone. Oh, well, this isn't the first time I've been alone during a stressful time. I'll get through it.

Redd

Ago

It is a good thing Redd, it's a wonderful thing, it's something to be proud of.

OK, this is just for me, this is just my opinion, but here is where is where it gets tricky for me:

I need to ask myself how invested I am in the outcome, If I can do "the next right thing" and then let go of the results, it's a healthy decision, but if I place conditions on the outcome, I get "sick" and "codependent" so if it was me I would know, that by helping her get into rehab was the right thing, but unless I "let go" of the result, I'm going to be a very sick puppy in a very short period of time.

I think you have done the right thing Redd, you are a good man, and the stuff I wrote "about me" is just that, "about me" and my experience.

/manly man hug

Reddmax

Thanks ago, givelove, and Freedom,

I have sorta made peace with the probability that my marriage may end. I know I have done the right thing, and I have a clear conscience.

What bothers me is that look I got as I was leaving, that look that promised that I was going to pay. Well, I think that I'm getting my reward in heaven, and have to pay my dues here first.

Fear is a funny thing.... alcoholics are strange people.

Redd

denny57

Yes, it is. That's why I don't do it anymore.

Never again will I give another person - addict or not - that much control over me.

Rebecca4

Redd

Can I ask you something and please don't get upset when I do, becasue it is not meant to cause you distress.

What has this woman got that keeps you there?

Is she that amazing that you honestly do not think you will ever meet anyone who matches her?

You sound like one of the worlds nicest guy's ever and yet you have already put up with so much.
Are you scared that if you leave, you will never meet anyone else or be lonely? Do you have a bit of a self esteem problem maybe that you think no-one else will want you?

Let me get this right, you are paying for rehab and she might ring her ex to come get her?

You deserve so much more, because at the moment she does not come across as Wonderwoman to me.

This is meant in the nicest possible way.
You sound like such a good caring man.

I do not want to speak for others, but I think you need to stand up for yourself.
Google Leeds UK, and come for a night out with me and my girlfriends. We will soon have you smiling.

B
x


Whatever you decide, you are too good for this.

Reddmax

Rebecca,

Thanks for the invitation. No, I have come to terms with the state of my being with respect to my AW.

She was nice to be around.

She has problems. Severe problems, and I could find someone better. The problem I have is with, believe it or not, doing the right thing. I guess I'm standing up for my principles. No offense to what other people have done in similar symptoms, but I have to live with myself. I do not, and have never valued myself by how other people think of me. I guess I'm the last rational man.

I'm the end result of being taught about honor. I believe that aiding those that are less fortunate than you is an honorable thing. Sometimes you have to pay for your beliefs.

Honestly, I'm whining about the future that I know nothing about. Like Silverberry's Friday post, I know what's going on. Most people want their life to be constant, but it isn't. I'm complaining and bitching about a situation where I don't have control. You all are right, but it doesn't keep it from being painful. What I want is for this situation to end with a certain amount of dignity. It's probably not going to happen, but I hope it does work out that way.

My dream is pretty simple. Let it go on in a healthy and productive way, or let it end simply, without drama.

The thing that sucks about being an adult is you have to accept you don't always get what you want.

Redd

Rebecca4

Was she nicer before she had the gastric band?
Did you find that she replaced food with alchohol at all?
What I mean is did she drink as much before the procedure or did she start to drink more after the procedure and eat a lot less?
I know it is not possible to eat a lot with a gastric band, but I am just wondering if she is avoiding food then drinking as her reward for doing without food. Then becuase she has not eaten or lined her stomach with anything, she gets very drunk?

Sorry if I offended, the invite was only meant as a joke.
I wish you nothing but happiness and think you could teach a few of our young men of today some lessons in life.

B
x

Reddmax

She didn't drink very much at all before the gastric bypass, and she has the older version, which is surgical, not prosthetic.

Yes, she replaced food with alcohol, and then because of the way it was done, alcohol had a huge impact on her. The only way she could get alcohol into her blood stream faster is if she had an IV. Add that to the malnutrition that alcoholics tend to have, and yes, she gets drunk very fast.

No, no offense intended. I've always had a prediliction for english girls..

Thanks for boosting my self-esteem..... I appreciate it, and it made me smile.

Redd

sslusser

Reddmax, doing the right thing while knowing what pain it may bring to you is the noblest of things. Not many people will do that for another human being. Wife or not. I hope that I can

But your right, you still have to deal with the pain itself. I wish you the best.

I had the conversation with my Son this morning about getting what you want.

LucyA

Hey Redd, when you've been to Leeds, head on down to Manchester

denny57

I believe I did the right thing. It brought me pain. I believe it was an act of love for xAH, too.

I would not measure noble love by staying or going. I have actually come to consider the time I stayed, wallowing in pain and misery, as martyrdom, not pain. It made me feel good - people telling me how noble and loving I was.

Today I believe it helped xAH stay sick and get sicker. What's love got to do with that?

LucyA

That's how my mum is with my brother, from the outside you can see how sick it is, but I guess for her right now she can't see past what she wants to believe and she believes she's doing the right thing.

Reddmax

I don't think I'm being noble. I believe that I have a chance to affect someone else's life positively. This may not be in my best interest, but its no different than stopping at the scene of an accident. That's what I'm doing now.... I'm just worried about the victim getting up and punching me in the mouth.

Redd

DII

Red,

I've taken my AW to detox....about 6 times. My AW is a little different because she acts so sorry, sad and.....sick! My AW needs IV's immediately and it takes 3-4 days for her to physically recover. Sure, she is going longer between the detox events but the process is always the same. Healthy, then I suspect she's drinking, then denial then full blown sickness and detox. I used to take her to an alcohol treatment center now we just go to the ER. She's tried AA, therapy, religion and now she just doing AA. Before she left today I told her I can't keep going on like this for another 5, 10 or however many years. I can't expect a promise of sobriety and she can't give one. This disease affects your love, friendship, sex life and just plain trust.

Hang in there but know that this thing is the DEVIL. I didn't want to give up[ on her and at times you see the "light" only to be disappointed in the end result. I know that we could split and she could figure it out and be sober tomorrow. I am 46 years old and I don't want to wait.......wait...wait and never know. THAT is my disease.....waiting for change that might never come.

Hang in there...

denny57

I was in Manchester last year and loved it. Took my nephew to Old Trafford. I was there for the Christmas market, which was fun and I loved the vintage stores.

Rebecca4

Denny, you make me lol.
I live about 50 miles down the road, would you say Lucy, and I have never been to Old Trafford, yet you have and you live in the States!!!!!!!!! Small world eh?
Denny did you go to Yorkshire at all? What made you visit Manchester?
Lucy, I have to say, I have read your posts and I think you should be commended for what you are doing with your nephew.

B
x

Rebecca4

Redd

Excuse me if I am being silly, but have these eating issues been addressed?
I am only saying that becuase I think my problems started with my weight, food and booze. I would go all day without eating, in the hope of loosing weight, then have two large glasses of wine and feel out of it, which was what I wanted.
Fast forward a few months, I was having to drink more and more to get the woozy effect. My mood swings were horrendous, some of which I was sure was down to lack of nutrients. Vitamin B is so important for nervous health, especially women.

By the way Redd, what do you do to switch off and enjoy?

B
x