NeedHelp81

HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got in touch with a treatment center. T always whines and cries about how he really wants inpatient and to be sober.

This man called me and talked to me about everything and gave a woman my number who is going to call so she can send me papers on where there are open beds as well as financing information.

This sounds like a great program. It has a flat rate of $15,000 but is a MINIMUM of 45 - 60 days. If you need to stay longer than 60 days, the fee is a flat rate. Never increases.

My question is this : I would like to present his mom with these papers. (She would be the financial support in this). She needs to see that it must be WAY worse than she sees - WHICH IT IS. I want her to know, and I want to see if she would be willing to pay, if he would be willing to attend.

So I guess I want to know this : SHould I tell T about these papers and see how reacts before telling his mom? Or should I ask her and talk to her about everything and then we both can approach him about the subject?

Thank you in advance!

denny57

How is presenting her these papers going to convince her it's worse than it is?

NeedHelp81

I don't want to convince her. I just want her to know. She just doesn't know how bad it is because they (he and his bro) hide EVERYTHING from her. I don't think that she knows that they need help as bad as they do. They are on the brink of death and she has no idea.

I just think that showing her that if I am pursuing this as much as I am then maybe there is something she doesn't know. She is our only answer. He has the worst credit I have ever seen - there is no way he could get the financing himself....

denny57

I wish you luck with it - I truly do. It does occur to me she's known him a whole lot longer. It might be more effective if he took her the papers saying he needed help.

JMHO

NeedHelp81

That is true denny. I just am a VERY nervous about handing him or her these papers. What do you say to someone? The only reason I wanted to approach her is because if she won't do it, then there is no point in pissing him off or hurting him or feeling all of his A characteristics come back to me.

denny57

I attend Al Anon, so that's where I come from on these matters. Today I would keep my hands off of this situation, so I wouldn't say anything - hasn't it all been said, really? I would consider spending the time on my own issues - my motivations - and my actions. I would think it highly likely even if you go around him to his mom, he'll find out.

Play the tape all the way through. Consider ALL scenarios and outcomes, not just the one hoped for - and plan what to do for each scenario. I'd weigh them all, ask myself what I hoped to gain from it, and then proceed.

((( )))

NeedHelp81

UGH!!!!!

Ok. Thank you. I was just reading another post about how they are making people stop their relationships while they are in rehab and for a year thereafter. Wanna know how codie I am? I thought myself for a split second - "Fine, he isn't going to rehab. We'll keep it this way!"

OMG! Can you say SELFISH?!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeez I scare myself sometimes. Phew. Glad I recognized it. That couldv'e been BAD.

GiveLove

Hey NeedHelp,

I'm thinking this, off the top of my head: You presenting these papers to his mom really doesn't convince her of anything except that YOU think he should go to rehab. She already pretends she's not seeing any of the damage he's doing, or maybe she really doesn't, who knows, but you showing her some papers isn't going to prove anything to her, you know?

Maybe, keep them aside. It's great research. If you ever have a conversation with T in which he (SOBER) comes out and says he really wants to enter rehab and would you help him to locate a few options, you'll already have them in hand.

Until then......this may not do what you're hoping it would do, sad as that is. He's got to find his own bottom first, and it doesn't sound like he's there. But you're a good person for trying.

You're getting better at catching yourself before you have a "codie moment", have you noticed that? "Progress, not perfection" is what they say.....that's progress.

lizw

I would probably give the papers to him, voice my concerns and leave it at that, leaving the entire outcome up to God/my HP.

As a codie I tend to do nothing, stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening, or do everything, try and force a solution by taking control of the situation.

Balance is a fine line to walk.

If you are not happy with the situation you are part of, you have a right to say so but at the same time he also has the right to refuse to do anything about it, as it is his own life no matter how sick he is.

prodigal

NeedsHelp, I did the same thing myself - twice. I understand where you're coming from. You want his mom to open her eyes and see what's become of her son. The problem is, people only see what they want to see.

I tried dealing with AH's family once. Got nowhere. Alcoholism is a disease of denial for all concerned.

You mean well, but try a wait-and-see stance. Perhaps your bf will come to the realization that he needs help. Until that time, I don't think giving his mom the information would make him see the light.

NeedHelp81

Hi thank you everyone for your responses.

This weekend sort of made my decision for me. He did a bunch of stupid stuff yadda, yadda, yadda - texted me Sunday morning "I can't live like this anymore, I'm too far gone. I'm sorry."

So I decided to take a shower and go talk to him. I went over to find him in his bed in a homemade cave of pillows and blankets and tears. He was crying, sober on a sunday morning. This I have never seen. Generally it is when he is drunk and has just said hurtful things to someone or done something he is not proud of.

So I took the opportunity to just tell him. I said "I have been in contact with this place and there are papers one their way to me. They have financing options and a list of open beds and locations." I then told him about the pricing and how I wanted to go to his mom, but now I think that it is better for me to get the papers myself, give them to him, and he can go to her if he wants help. I will also provide him with the counselors phone number, and see if he would like to call and talk. To my absolute AMAZEMENT he didn't decline.

I thought that he would get angry and embarassed. He shed ONE single tear and rolled over for a minute. I asked him if it was something to reconsider. Before he could answer I told him not to worry about his job, and that his brother wouldbe ok - and most likely follow in his "big brothers" footsteps. He said he would take a look because it's time for him to get help.

This is a big step. Only because his SOBER mind is starting to agree with his DRUNKEN DEPRESSED mind that usually says these words.

Now I just have to call that woman back at the place to give her my address......

denny57

I hope it works, needhelp

How awesome it might have been if he said "give me the number I'll call."

Protect your heart ((( )))

NeedHelp81

That would have been WAY more awesome, but yeah right! Haha. Nothing ever goes that simple, does it?

I am very excited just at the thought of this. I know it's on his mind now. No, I'm not getting my hopes up, but for now I am happy with the direction things SEEM to be heading!

littlebird77

I think you should go to HIM with these figures and ask if he is willing to do this... Then the BOTH of you ask HER... He is the one putting in the work. Try not to do all this running around and thinking. It's up to HIM to recover, not you. It is so very kind that you are looking into this, but he needs to be involved.

littlebird77

I just read this after I put the intial response. This is such good news!!! I am really happy for you! I pray this path contiunes!