genrs123

my ex and i broke up when i found out he was still doing coke, and already going to al anon because i knew he was also an alcoholic. we had problems in our relationship before our breakup because he was always flaking on me and wasted- all the time affecting our sex life. he said there were a million reasons it wouldnt work- and seemed to have broken up with me when we talked. we have been together off and on 8 years- and he is the only one i have "been" with. he says he cant give me or promise me what i want and isnt going to make promises to.

he still really wants to be friends, and we have hooked up 3 times and he still tells me he loves me (a lot of times). WHY would he want to be friends - but it hurts that he just doesnt view me as a girlfriend. i have a lot of regret that i was too hard on him or gave him to much crap but a lot of that was in response to him.

also when i asked him if he thought we'd date in the future he said he didnt know.
he said im needier than most girls when i asked if it would work with someone else. im afraid he is going to move on and find someone he loves more .
it seems he has.

Recently he emailed me (i changed my phone number) and asked if we could do lunch. i said i wasnt there yet. he said he understood, to let him know if i change my mind and that he "really just wanted to do an innocent lunch". im STILL IN love with him so it wouldnt be. i didnt reply. the next day he wrote me and said "either way. he would like to see me soon" i didnt know what "either way" was- since i never had responded.

anyway when we broke up he changed his emoticon to nostalgic. he just changed it to mellow, and now it says he "is content with it" i wonder if he means us. or if im so egocentrical.

either way, i dont know how to move on. sometimes i think maybe it would be better if we stayed together. i think he was a better boyfriend than i was girlfriend, sometimes. i wonder if i should try to get back together or what.

prodigal

Welcome, I'm glad you are here. Please take some time to read the stickies posted above our forum.

I will share with you my ES&H (experience, strength, and hope). I would suggest you give Al-Anon a try. If you find after six meetings (the number they suggest you try), you don't like it, fine. Finding a good counselor who works with codependents could help too.

I will also share with you what it is like to stay together with an active addict. I have been married to TWO A's (alcoholics). It is awful. The disease is progressive. The insanity is progressive. The chaos is progressive. And addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The addict will take you down with them if they can.

I've lived through this TWICE. I didn't learn the first time because I didn't work on my codependency issues. I got serious about recovery in 2004. I am active on this board, in counseling, and I attend Al-Anon.

I spent years doubting myself: "Is it ME? Is he right that I'm a nag? Is he on-spot that I'm the cause of his drinking?"

I spent years driving myself NUTS: "Why did he say that? Why did he do that? What did he mean by that? Why did he say one thing yesterday and a different thing today?"

I was dependent on an addict to validate my worth. But inside, I felt worthless. I did not know who I was. I did not know how to live inside my own skin. I was on the verge of physical and emotional collapse.

THAT is what it is like to live with, and remain involved in, the life of an addict. At least, that is what is was like for me.

AmpHusky

You read enough on SR, you will know.

veryrestless722

everybody makes their own choices so these are just opinions on what i think you should do

first i would cut ties with him, and have no contact what so ever, seems he wants to keep you on a string in case he doesnt find anything else, if he truly loved you then he would be with you, ive learned most addicts arent capable of loving anyone

i still love my Xah and i know i could never do an innocent lunch with him, it would hurt me horribly and set me back so far and it wouldnt bother him one bit, im not going to put myself in a situation where im only going to be hurt even more

I personally wouldnt try to get back together, i did that everytime my Xah left me, i convinced myself that he was right and everything was my fault, he wouldnt do these things if i was so bad, if i would just learn to quit nagging, etc etc etc... ive learned if i believed every bad thing he says about me then i would end up in a mental hospital just sitting there twitching, im not as "bi-polar" as my xah would like me to believe

ive went through so many thoughts on things, my biggest is that i think all guys are crazy or cheat or are psycho, i should just stay with the one that i know, which is crazy thoughts for me, my xah will never change and im not dragging my soon to be born son through all that, i would rather be alone than deal with another addict

ive had to take a good long look at my relationship, and i realize we've had problems from the very begining, my mind tries to only remember the good times and completely ignores all the bad, alot of people recommend writing down everything bad hes done so you dont forget because we seem to develop "selective memory" or make a pro's and con's list and i bet the con's column will be way long than the pro's

i cant tell you how to move on, because i dont know how to do that either, but its been almost 7 months since my xah ran off, we've only had limited contact and now i dont have any contact, im sure after the baby is born ill get hassled by him but i do ten times better with no contact, believe me that sounds painful but it actually helps out the most for me, you just get through it somehow, time really does help, try to keep yourself busy, read everything you can on co-dependancy, alcoholism, and drug addicts

i wish you the best

HealthyLimits

My first advice to you is to get the book "If the Buddha dated" and read that before you even think of getting into a relationship. It should be standard reading in the schools! It's dirt cheap, $5 or less shipped on half or a used bookstore.

To address your other question. I'm a man who's only vice is women so I can tell you for fact what to do here and why he's making the choices he is.

One, women are emotional and the only way for you to combat that is to not put yourself in situations you're going to make choices based on emotion. I'm not saying men aren't emotional I'm just telling you a man will use your emotion and his lack of it to prey on you.

Second, his actions are ego driven. When a man and woman break up a man lets a woman move on and heal. That takes some time for each to do and it's hard to accept a person has gotten over you. When you're with a boy that hasn't grown into a man yet and may never for that matter. It's a blow to the ego and him being able to "hook up" with you still shows him he still has some control. That you can't say no because you still want him.

My bet is if you were in person he would try to take things there and if you were able to stand up for yourself and tell him no he would resort to some childish act.

Best bet for you is to read the book, get a clear understand of what love is really about and don't ever "chase" a man as a healthy relationship is made up of a team, two people walking side by side.

veryrestless722

i have to just say thanks for your post healthylimits, i like getting a man's perspective on things, kinda opened my eyes even more with this statement

Second, his actions are ego driven. When a man and woman break up a man lets a woman move on and heal. That takes some time for each to do and it's hard to accept a person has gotten over you. When you're with a boy that hasn't grown into a man yet and may never for that matter. It's a blow to the ego and him being able to "hook up" with you still shows him he still has some control. That you can't say no because you still want him.

that explains why my idiot x is always trying to keep some kind of hook into me, and as long as he knows im still in love with him then hes ok and continues his pathetic lifestyle

thanks again :ghug3

genrs123

Thank you for sharing. I am going to start a list of all the reasons why we are not or should not get back together (even if it's just him that doesnt want to). It still hurts. hes still my first love and this is my first broken heart. i am completely obsessed.

i have been going to alanon since before we broke up, (may, breakup in june- but still seeing each other although i had no initial contact, until mid august). i have been in counseling weekly since june. i also go to CODA. my therapist doesn't think im codependent. i have seen this person off and on for 2 years, so i'm not sure if i should stay with this counselor or not????? she said im just grieving the loss of the relationship. that is true. but i think im pretty codependent. not to mention still stalking my ex via the internet . ..:codiepolice

genrs123

This is extremely helpful. I looked at the book at borders (i am broke it is 12 dollars but i did want to read it immediately)last night, and will either order it offline or get it at the library. whichevers sooner. not to mention someone else in my al-anon group just mentioned the book.

i know that this situation is ego driven but its hard. he is my first love. i don't want him to move on either, and him asking me for lunch was like a small window of hope that he still loves me. i read these posts and try to remember that i am better off without him- but its hard. he was a functional alcoholic/addict and a functional boyfriend. ive never felt the same way about anyone. i am 23 and weve been doing this since i was 15. i have dated in between.

anyway, although i have told him not to contact me, it does hurt that our breakup seemed for him, because of my issues (which i am working on and willing to work on), and that i wasnt a good girlfriend. although its hard to say what wouldve happened if i did everything right. meanwhile it hurt after the breakup that he just wanted to be friends and didnt want to be together. or wanted to be friends and still hook up- not taking enough responsibility or emotion in the relationship just wanted to meet his own physical needs.

genrs123

[QUOTE=veryrestless722;1956939]everybody makes their own choices so these are just opinions on what i think you should do

first i would cut ties with him, and have no contact what so ever, seems he wants to keep you on a string in case he doesnt find anything else, if he truly loved you then he would be with you, ive learned most addicts arent capable of loving anyone

i still love my Xah and i know i could never do an innocent lunch with him, it would hurt me horribly and set me back so far and it wouldnt bother him one bit, im not going to put myself in a situation where im only going to be hurt even more


i dont know if he loved me if he would be with me- i mean i told him i couldnt be withsomeone who did coke and he said that he couldnt promise me that right now.do you think he would be with me if he loved me? i dont think he wants to change for himself.

but its true hes not capable of loving anyone , i guess, although i do fear hes going to be as charming to other girls as to me and be happier. but i try to remember anyone that accepts him destroying himself is either a user too or doesnt care about him.

also i do NC. he emailed me and i responded once but not to the 2 others. i also changed my phone number.... which ive had as long as ive dated him!

thanks, this is really helpful. youre right.
its true about the selective memory, but i think the pros and cons were equal. with more on the pros. butttt, i do think he is going to get worse and i would still try to control him and try to prevent that.

prodigal

I got nowhere until I hooked up with a counselor who was a specialist in dealing with codies/addicts. Just different sides of the same coin. And that counselor really got me to focus on ME.

It's easy to follow the comings and goings of your ex via the Internet. I would suggest you might try to find other things to do when the urge hits. It's very similar to the drunk wanting a drink or the addict wanting a fix, isn't it?

sunshinebluesky

read,read,read....here,books wherever. as hard as it is,as tempting as it is, you have to cut ALL the contact. and i do mean ALL. I was where you are,at one time-and as long as you continue to do that,even in the smallest way...like checking his moods on his webpage....you WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. people here tried to tell me,and i would not listen. it was only when i was forced to not know anything,see anything,hear anything...for months on end that i finally got over the whole useless thing!! i honestly never thought i would ever see the day,when i could see him and not be upset (im talkin from a distance,not getting together),or KNOW in my heart that no matter what,i will never ever let myself be involved with him again,and mean it. he was a part of your life,for a long time. it will take time,lots of it- for him to not be. and it cant happen unless you let it not be. can he ever change? will he ever change? its possible,but let him do that on his own.....................

left4lonely

i tried to be friends w/my aex and expected him to be honest with me about his relationship status. he cant be honest with himself, how could I expect that of him? I wasn't being honest with my self either... not thru the entire relationship. i just kept hanging on. and as described above, he used my love for him to get what he was looking for from me, nothing more, nothing less. he disappeared and didnt return my calls. i had to guess what happened. eventually he txt me but not before he made sure his current girlfriend was aware someone else "wanted him." He admitted to me once that he uses some girls to make other girls jealous. so i guess you could say i was used to the bitter end. and boy was i BITTER! i said some really nasty things. then i changed my phone number... but hoped he would try to contact me thru the internet. he has moved on as if i never existed. there were times, perhaps only glimpses of the man i wanted to spend my life with. but he never sticks around for long. he always decides there is something better, whether it be other women, drugs, alc, or some combination.

Pelican

Welcome to SR left4lonely!

I hope you will start a new thread and introduce yourself. You will find lots of support and wisdom at this forum.

I'm sorry your broken heart is what brings you here. Pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home.

I gently want to point out that this thread was pulled up from a search. Most of the original posters are not active at this time. You'll get more feedback and support from a current thread of conversation.

Welcome!

TakingCharge999

genrs I remember you well, :ghug3 I arrived to SR when you were just moving to Atlanta. My nickname was Dreamer999.

I am sorry to hear you feel so bad.

I went no contact in December.

Its very tough, its accepting its over, but it has been the best thing for myself.

We also agreed on being friends while I "settled" on the city, etc etc... after months of stressful interactions a "friend" told me he had had a gf for 3 months then...

So all that time he was acting nice, asking about my plans, he was just feeding his ego and making sure a door was open.

I asked him never to contact me again. Again.. it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I needed this time to know myself more and see what I looked for in a partner... I hope you start loving yourself more and realizing interactions with an alcoholic are the best way to go mad.. that there are people that DO love you and want to see you happy... that what you are looking for... is not there, an alcoholic can't provide any love, not to you, not to anyone......

Jadmack25

I can only strongly suggest you take to mind the excellent ideas and words of those who have posted. These suggestions and ideas for coping come from the experiences of those who have been there and done that. ((Often also been there and been done.))

Let me tell you that it will get better, but only if you want it to, and work towards that.

God bless

astockwell

If it's any consolation my exA did exactly the same and taunted me with his new girlfriend, moved on in a split second as if we never even had a relationship and branded my as some kind of pyscho who had all the problems rather than accepting his addiction and mental health problems. He was in the navy and the drinking/lads culture made it 100% worse, he'd be throwing up bile in his room on Sundays and telling his psychiatrist that he was taking his anti-depressants and not touching alcohol. All lies and decipt and I put up with it for just 7 months before ending up on diazepan and mirtazipine for extreme stress. I went to counselling and got off the drugs but even 4 months later I am still recoiling from the experience which I found so shocking. He also used to try and hang himself and threaten suicide regularly. He also punched himself in the face frequently which I found very disturbing and upsetting. If I tried to help I was a control freak and if I gave him a free rein he said I wasn't helping him, no win situation.

In my view it is very difficult to be in a relationship with anyone with addictions - they need professional help and unless they find it in themselves to do so it is only going to be a destructive and painful relationship. As women we desperately want to nurture and think we can 'change' people.. fact is only they can change themselves in their own time if they ever decide that's what they want to do.

I am writing songs now to release the emotion I feel and have thrown myself into work. I also recommend reading books. 'Women Who Love Too Much' is great as are some of the confidence books 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway'.

Most of all start loving yourself again whether it be taking a day spa, retail therapy, a holiday, a new fitness programme, anything to re-focus that energy back to yourself.