Pajarito

I am wondering if any of you have had to deal with this annoying situation? My STBXAH has been out of our house for well over a year and in his own apartment, but he will NOT change his address! I have been responsible for his mail, and I am tired of it. I am going through the process of trying to separate things- including car insurance, and other bills that may be in both our names. I'm finding most of what I want to separate isn't legally going to happen anyway until we are divorced, so getting separate mail seems to be impossible. We still have a joint account (sort of- he's now decided he's not going to put his whole paycheck into the account), because I need his financial help, and until our hearing in November, I am planning to keep it that way.

Really all I want to do is have my mail come to my house, and his mail go to his apartment without me having to be the one who "delivers" his mail. I have asked him numerous times to change his address- of course he won't. I called the post office and found the only thing I can do is write "return to sender" on his mail. I don't want to do anything for him- it's just like when we were together- me doing all the responsible crap. Can anyone tell how crabby I am??? I feel like this situation is just frustrating unless I suck it up and rise above it while I wait for us to be divorced.

Any advice would be great. I am at a loss right now. My account with him is shrinking, because he's keeping most of his money out of it, but I don't know if I should try to use my own account to pay for "our" bills. . . and the mail thing. . . BLAH! I just want to be rid of this man, but I am in limbo until our hearing when a judge will determine how we separate our money and how much I will have each month from STBXAH to work with. Unfortunately I am not able to pay for everything on my own as we have a big mortgage and bills to go with that. Until our house sells it is what it is. Mybe I just need to be patient?

Freedom1990

Return to sender on the envelope worked great for me!

When my ex-fiance walked out, the mail started pouring in later from attorneys and collection agencies and his past surfaced.

Of course he made sure no one knew where he was, and after enough times of me writing that on the envelope, all the people after him quit sending stuff to my house.

It takes a lot less effort to write that than to deliver the mail to him, which is exactly what he wants. He knows you'll deliver it; therefore he won't change what he's doing.

Pajarito

I want to do this, but I guess I have to tell him I'm doing it. Maybe that would light a fire under him. Maybe not. Whatever I do, I want to do it for me. I am so tired of being connected to him. I think it's a sign I am over it/done/fed up/etc.

laurie6781

As suggested put return to sender or

FORWARD TO: and then write his mail address on it. Those envelopes with address change requests on them will be notified. Well, the rest of the mail, he'll get it, in a few days, maybe a week and you don't have to play postmistress.

Just a thought.

Love and hugs,

ToughChoices

I am really curious as to why he is so hesitant to change his mailing address.
It's not hard!

From your posts, he sounds like he's never really wavered in his decision to "move on" (own apartment, dating the woman from work, etc...), but here he is, continuing to tie himself to you in this not-so-subtle way.

Weird.

Not that it matters. You'll never really know what he's thinking (or not thinking), but your role as the responsible one in the relationship really stands out here.

Sounds like he stays tied to you in ways that make his life easier (you take care of the house, raise DD, collect his mail) and extracts himself when it suits him.

"Return to sender" is my vote! Would he hand-deliver mail to you?

Sorry for the tough situation, Paj.
Keep your chin up!

-TC

denny57

Writing "return to sender" or the forwarding address isn't doing anything for him, in my opinion. How about considering it as a gift to yourself?

hadenoughnow

Oh boy do I hear you! My ex did the same stuff and worse, I will probably have to get a court order to make him close our joint checking that he insists on using(the bank refuses to take my name off without both signatures but I am going to try again today, sigh).

I had to threaten the insurance company to get him off my auto policy, every time they called him to confirm his new address he would lie and say we were not getting divorced and he still lives in the house! Finally someone was willing to listen to me and simply did it without his approval.

Getting him to sign the quit claim for the house was a nightmare.

I had to threaten to put return to sender or shred all his mail to get him to change his address.

The best one yet? He called me a few weeks ago and says "so we have to file joint taxes this year right? and you will take care of it and send me half the refund?" (our divorce was FINAL in July!)

I explain to him that NO we will BOTH be single on dec 31 (even in the alternate universe he lives in) and he has to file his own taxes..............

CatsPajamas

I used my computer and printed up 2 different labels - one set was Return to Sender and the other said NO LONGER AT THIS ADDRESS and his forwarding address. All I had to do was peel and stick. Each time I slapped on there was an affirmation for myself that he was GONE and I was better off.

Pajarito

No- really a lot of the things he's avoided are not hard- but that's what he does- takes the path of least resistance. I don't think it's his subtle way of staying tied to me either. I think it comes down to pure laziness. Whatever the reason- it doesn't even matter.

Point is, I am TIRED of him. TIRED. In my experience with him I have most always been the responsible one. In this situation I AM the responsible one- for the house, dd, all the paperwork, etc. I look forward to the day when we are no longer tied together legally. And I decided today to change my name back to my maiden name!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! THAT, Denny- is my gift to myself!

nowinsituation

I agree -- return to sender. IMO it is not "helping" him; but it is removing you as the middleman. I can so relate to your entire situation. Change a few circumstances, but that is exactly where I am right now. I moved out, but I have still been paying ALL of our bills (for A YEAR now!!!). We have had meetings to work out a financial settlement, and his lawyer accuses me of subverting money from him -- WTF? While we were married I would give him $200 cash each month -- always told him that if he needed/wanted more to let me know. He also had full access to credit card and joint checking account - still does. So, since he never asked for any other arrangement that has still been the arrangement (again for the last YEAR). At our last meeting there was a snide comment from his lawyer about how I "only" give him $200 a month and wanted to make sure I was still paying his bills (only because I took my name off the electric account -- but have still been paying it). I came unglued and pointed out that he has access to the credit card and joint account and blah blah blah. It is maddening.

Sending good vibes your way, "this too shall pass" is my constant mantra these days. I remember when I was pregnant (and feeling very miserable) I would wonder if it was going to last forever. There was no way it could (ha ha). I feel the same now -- wondering if this is going to last forever -- there's no way it can, right????

Pajarito

LOL!!!!! Oh, don't get me started on taxes. I've taken care of them for years. No more! If only I could be single by Dec. 31st. . .

Pajarito

I need to remember that this isn't going to last forever. Right now I just feel in limbo. Our hearing is next month, I have no idea where I'll be financially, I have a house to sell in our fabulous housing market- he's conveniently walked away from all responsibilities to that, I have to find a new place to live, and I just want it to be O-V-E-R. I know, I know. . . patience.

Bernadette

Can't you just file a single Change of Address card with your post office? That seems like way less time and effort than returning to sender every stinkin' piece of his mail!!

Anything that is still joint betw you, create an online acct. so you can access that stuff online. That way even if the paper statements start to go to him you still can keep track of stuff.

I also had to maintain access to a joint account w/ my ex for a few years until our divorce was finalized because he had moved out of the country and there was no easier way to get dollars to me for child support- it was a constant headache! Eventually the account was seized because of some lien that came after him. Classic. But it was a tangle there for a while, Naturally I had my own account and as soon as the child support money showed up (usually 90-120 days late) I would grab it and put it in my own account. At the time I needed that money so badly for my kids to eat!! It was very little for 2 kids too - like $320 A MONTH!!

Ugh.

Yeah, I guess patience is always good. And punching pillows and screaming in the car!!!

Peace-
B.

Pajarito

Reading about all of your situations makes me think I can't imagine ever being married again. Even if I find a healthy person to have a relationship with down the line, I'd rather be in charge of myself in every way. I don't think I have a bad attitude about marriage- in general. I think I'm just feeling like this headache is not something I'd want to repeat.

wooforever

I have been dealing with this for over 5 years, I still get my Exah mail. Doing a return to sender only works for so long, then they stop and after about 6 months they start up again. Forwarding the mail will work but only for 6 months. I could not do a change of address for him because you now have to show proof of who you are. He still has his drivers liciense to my house and I cannot get that changed either, I have asked the courts, asked the cops, and asked so many peope how I get him off my address, their reply was that I cannot do it he has to. So when they come looking for him my place is the first place they come. Or if he gets arrested I get all the mail. It is a mess, so I just started throwing the mail away. It was not my problem if he did not get his mail.

If you are going to court to get divorced you need to make sure that he is paying the bills. If they are joint accounts like credit cards, telephone bills, cable, cell phones you can take your name off them just call the companies and tell them what you want done and they will help you.

FormerDoormat

I had the same issue with Richard. I took care of the problem by going to the post office and filling out a change of address for him. Problem solved.

Pajarito

I wish it was that easy FD. I called the post office and was told he has to do that- and sign it.

I just emailed him and let him know I am giving him a week to change his address and then putting "return to sender" on everything and putting them back in the mail. We'll see. He can deal with all his overdue bills and parking violations if they take longer to get to him.

FormerDoormat

I didn't ask them. I just filled out the form and returned it. Give it a try.

Bernadette

Exactly! No one sees you fill this form out you justk fill it out and drop it in the mailbox!! Just sign the damn thing. If he's too lazy to do it himself what is he gonna do go down and PROTEST that it was done for him!!

Peace-
B.

denny57

It can also be done on line; that's what I did for myself and nothing was asked for as far as ID.