nowinsituation

DD and I were talking the other night over dinner; and she asks an innocent question -- "how often do you go to the grocery store?".... "Well, Dad (my STBXAH we are separated) never has any food; he only goes every couple of weeks and doesn't ever buy things I like" etc., etc. I successfully hold my tongue, and just let her talk. It is like the dam has finally broken and she was free to tell me just how miserable she is spending time there (she goes 1 night/week & every other weekend). And finally she gets around to telling how he leaves his beer cans all over the place -- "It's so much worse than when you were still there Mom." And - "he stands at the kitchen counter drinking a beer, then when I look up sets the can down where he thinks I can't see it -- like I'm too stupid to notice". Then "He falls asleep early every evening watching TV". OK, I can't pass that one up and tell her "ummm -- it's called passing out, not falling asleep." Then she totally broke down into tears; and so did I.

I talked to her about Alateen -- she doesn't want to go because she's afraid she will cry the entire time. I told her that everybody cries the entire time; and they all would understand. So, I had her convinced then found the schedule and the only meeting is on the night she is at her Dad's. I am going to get her into therapy (way past due ....)

Now, I don't know what to do about continuing visitation. I told her she didn't have to spend time at her Dad's if she didn't want to. But, leaving that decision to her doesn't seem the best way to handle it. She does not want to hurt her Dad's feelings by letting him know she doesn't want to go there. I think it is my responsibility to remove her from that situation that is so emotionally damaging to her. But truly, I feel so beaten down by the whole divorce process (the financial settlement is turning into a nightmare) that I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me.

I will be talking to my lawyer today -- I don't expect much help from him. I don't know where else to turn?

justaboutus

Sounds like you're taking care of business. Good for you.

Since I doubt you'll be able to stop the visitation right away, I'd start sending her with some snacks, so she doesn't get hungry. I'd also send her with a book to read or beading kit... something that she can do while she's there, so she doesn't have to watch Dad pretending not to drink.

I really do feel for you ((((hugs)))) to you both.

Bernadette

Hiya Nowinsit--
Therapy for your daughter is such a great idea. Once she has opened up to to third party maybe you can enlist their help in legally changing the visitation issues...

I mean there is no question it is an unhealthy environment for your DD. And a teen is still too young to decide . But YOU KNOW it is unhealthy you HAVE to protect her from it - sends a strong message to her of what is unacceptable in this life. The difficulty is just w/ the legal issues: but no food and a passed out drunk father??? - will there BE much of a fight if you take this to your lawyer today???

Repeat & reassure her that nothing she does or no decision she makes will have ANY effect on whether ADad drinks or does not drink.

She may not have opened up earlier or put her foot down and said NO WAY I CANNOT GO ANYMORE because she thinks, maybe he drinks less because I am here...maybe he will drink so much he will get sick if I am not here, maybe I should be here to help him if he passes out, etc. The seeds of codie behavior are planted in this alcoholic parent/innocent child dynamic.....

Repeating the three C's was one of my early survival tactics when I got into AlAnon! I only wish I had them when I was a teenager and my Dad & homelife was such a mess.

She didn't Cause it.
She can't Control it.
She can't Cure it.

(((hugs))) to you nowinsit--and to your DD. Have you been attending AlAnon or counseling? What's your own emotional support strategy? Is it helping you at all?

Peace-
B.

blessed4x

:ghug3 hugs to you and your DD......Sounds like you are staying strong and have a plan. Visitation is probably one of my biggest fears about divorce. My attorney gave it to me pretty straight about how things work around here, and my AH would not be denied visitation until it was proven he did something dangerous. My kids (2 of them anyway) aren't old enough to know not get in a car with him, and he does have a history of drinking and driving.

Keep us posted on how things progress because there are a lot of us with kids and the same concerns.

Pajarito

(((Nowinsit))) I feel for you. Where I live, MN, the courts will listen to a child once she is old enough to decide if she wants to be with him. I'm not sure what that age is, but my dd is 10, and has already voiced her problem with spending scheduled visitations with STBXAH when he is with his girlfriend. My lawyer told me no court would force her be with him if she is distressed- at least not yet since we aren't divorced. I'm not sure what it all means for you, except that maybe your state has the same kind of plan in place for children who don't want to be with a neglectful, passed-out, alcoholic parent. Hopefully your lawyer can give you some good advice.

The other thing I realized in my situation is that dd should not have the pressure of trying to decide whether she wants to go with STBXAH or not. She has talked to me many times about frustrations with STBXAH, but the buck stops with me. I told him he cannot take dd on dates during scheduled visitation, and that if he had a problem with it he could have his lawyer talk to mine. That allowed dd to relax- she knew I was the one making the decision- not her. Now STBXAH spends his time alone with dd- which is all she wants. She doesn't want to have to share him at this early stage of the divorce process.

That was my long-winded way of saying, maybe you can figure out with your lawyer's help, whether you can be the one making the decision- not dd. She's voiced her sadness, her dislike of spending time with her dad, but maybe you can be the one who has the final say? That takes all the pressure off of her. . . Good luck with this, and please let us know what you find out.

Freedom1990

This really tugged at my heartstrings. Back before my oldest AD had lost custody of her children, my granddaughter had come to spend a few days, and the dam burst here too. We both cried. All her pain coming up was so overwhelming she was sobbing to the point of being nauseous. I told her that anytime she needed to talk, I was always here and my home was a safe place here where she could let it out, and it would stay between her and me.

I'm so glad your daughter has a safe place to fall with you! :ghug

Impurrfect

I'm sorry you're going through this. I totally agree with therapy, and they may be able to help you legally.

We went through a similar, but different situation with my niece, Brit. She was only 1 when her mom (my stepsister) died in a car wreck. We were given emergency custody as my stepmom is her grandmother.

Long story short, her sperm-donor's dad and stepmom tried to get custody of her, and put us through a lot in the courts. By the time Brit was 3, she was screaming "no, no, don't make me go" when we had to send her to the other grandparents (court ordered). She had a guardian ad litem and her own social worker. Brit was too young to tell us why she didn't want to go, but when the social worker saw her reaction to "do you want to go see mee-maw and pa-pa", the visitations were promptly stopped.

Her "dad" recently applied for custody (she's now 15) and the court told him he might as well withdraw his petition because there was "no way in he!! you'd ever get custody" (he's an A, still using and in/out of jail).

I would check to see if a guardian ad litem is an option - they're only concern is the best interests of the child. There may also be some kind of assistance in the court system..some states have people who advocate for the child.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad your DD has you and feels comfortable enough to open up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

brundle

So sorry you and DD are having to deal with this! I think having to watch the kids put up with all of this is the worst!

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs!